ThirtyTwo

My new days of being thirty two, captured in here.
Enjoy!

:)

32

"Have you ever woke up in the morning and you feel it is no longer yesterday?"

The sun is not coming out of a sudden with the brightest shine,
but it is slowly coming out of the clouds and gently kiss your cheek with its warmth.
Birds are not beautifully sing your favorite song,
but they chirp wildly as your natural alarm to wake you up and tell you to go to the office.
Hearing the little guy beside me calling my name and asking for milk,
and it is a natural call to wake me up from my dream.

I am a dreamer, and I guess I will always be.
But now I realize, that my dreams now are not only about me.
There is a little creature who has bigger dreams,
and my dream now is him.

Who thought I will get through of these things in the age of 32?
But you know what, ... I love it so far.. 
I thank you God, for your countless bless especially for those people who loves me up to this moment.
Yes, that includes you.

Hello, today.

April

Bright lights. Morning drive. Sun shine and blue sky. Patterns. Turquoise. Light blue. Orange. Pink. Lime green. Yellow. Widely spread. Fly. Fall with pride. Tree house. Chalkboard not whiteboard. Pencil not pen. Oil painting not drawing. New environment. Sunday English and math class for children in the neighborhood. My satellite. The promise (Ost When in Rome).  Questions (now with answers). Get closer with you. Random thoughts (when was the last time you feel proud of what you are doing? When was the last time you do something all your heart?). More workouts and work things out. Welcome, April.

Cinderella

One day in an urban life, when most people needed at least three hours to reach their office and back home and worked for almost eleven hours per day. The sky was dusky with a little lilac drapery.  As flying dragons back to their castle and replaced by the shadow dementors who are ready to suck your tired soul residue, there we saw a princess talking to her hope-to-be prince in the dim light. 

Like other princess who believes she lives in the fantasy world she can only control and understand, and like Cinderella who came to the party with a ticking-clock  insecure feeling, she asked him. “Why are you here with me and loving me with all your breath?”

“Because I believe, this is my chance.” said the guy firm. 

“Do you love me that much?” asked the girl back. 

“No. I just love you. Because if I love you that much, by this time you should be at your happiest moment and I would not know how to make you even more happier in the future.” Said the guy as he sipped his 16 years old sauvignon.    

The girl looked disappointed. “Do you love me?” she said in reluctant. But she knows, whatever what the guy would say, she would rather believe in what she wanted to believe. 

“I do.” Said the guy in a single breath.

“Will you stay?” another doubts came out. 

“I will. In whatever form you want me to be.” He answered. 

The girl took a deep breath. A final question was about to burst out. Is it ‘Will you marry me?’ No, the question is way too easy to be answered. Instead, she asked him: “Will you love me forever?”

Ouch. 

The guy got silent. Sixteen years old sauvignon suddenly tasted like urine and you needed to swallow nonetheless. It took him a few minutes, few flashback sand few premonitions for the future. But he realized that he is here. Now, at this very moment, and can’t ever get away to where ever he wanted him to be. 

“No, I cannot promise you that.” The guy said. 

The girl’s visions got blurred, tears started running down her face. Of course, in a very dramatic slow motion like it took the tears forever to finally dropping down. 

“Knowing myself very much, I cannot promise you whatever things in forever time. But my lady, I can promise you I will love you today … and tomorrow.  And by the time tomorrow comes, I hope I can  promise you I will love you today and tomorrow again until it fulfills your forever, forever.”

Suddenly the girl forgot she was a princess. She forgot her castle. She forgot she wore shoes that were made of glass. She forgot the pixie dust. For the first time in her life she realized one thing, that when the midnight comes, she would never ever change to someone she was never be.  

Life in the next level

Once I wrote about love, my invisible spines, my possible hero, my satellite, flesh and blood, my deadly dreams and everything that made me who I am today; and not a single thing I am regret of what happened. I am grateful. And you know what, I realized this when my 3,5 years old son got into his first day of school. And I was like … amazingly stunned. He cried in most of his classes, but he survived until the bell rang. First cut is always the deeper my boy; and we will always have those moments in every fragment of our life.

I have been through a lot, and of all the things I have lost; I realized that I may not and should not and cannot lose myself. Since your own shadow would leave you in the dark, you are what you got therefore you should get a grip on yourself. Then, you could see other things you got in life.  Those people who will support you all along, people who stay, new people you met, or sometimes with any luck … people in the past who then gives you hope for the future.  In contrary, when things got blurred and you could not even see yourself clearly, bigger chance is that you would lose people you love as well.

As my little guy entered his class, I looked at him from afar. “How he grew so fast. From breast milk to lollipops, from midnight crying to warm laughs, from nagging to songs he sang me, … look at him now!” My heart murmured. He has grown and so have I.   

I realized that everything in this world had its expiry date: age, love, job, our sadness or happiness, even a lousy meeting with nasty clients. When things are bad, I should have remembered that it will not last forever. When things are wonderful, I should have realized as well; it will be gone soon and so I should have enjoyed every bits and stop worrying.

So here I am now, with a life in the next level. Never at once I doubt on love, because it is the thing that gives you courage and that include the love of yourself. Getting hurt? Yes, that is one of my biggest fear. But you know what, … we are going to get hurt someday anyway.“Nothing comes later or sooner. Things are just have to happen just the way they should be.” My lovely mother said.

Cinta

*tok tok

            Siapa?

            Aku

            Oh. Kamu. Lagi

            Kenapa? Kamu kecewa?

            Tidak. Aku tidak akan pernah lelah untuk kecewa. Apalagi dengan kamu

            Itulah kamu. Dan itulah sebabnya kenapa …

Kenapa?... itulah sebabnya kamu datang lagi dan lagi?

Kamu keberatan?

Tidak. Sama sekali tidak. Karena aku tahu

Tahu apa?

Kamu butuh aku

Dan karena itu, aku masih ada. Hingga saat ini

*gemericik

Ayo, silakan

Kenapa kamu melakukan ini?

Kan sudah aku bilang, … karena kamu butuh aku

Walau aku menggerogoti setiap jengkal tubuh kamu?

Untuk itu aku ada, sayang. Sudahlah. Dinikmati saja

Kali ini aku tidak mau

Lalu untuk apa kamu ke sini?

Untuk mencari tahu apakah aku bisa jadi kamu

Lalu?

Agar kita bisa bersatu

Lalu?

Tidak tahu

Sayang, kamu adalah kamu. Dan aku adalah aku

Aku ingin jadi kamu

Itu karena kamu melihat aku dalam versi kamu

Maksud kamu?

Bukan aku dalam versi aku

*tetes

            Kamu tahu, setiap aku mendengar tetesmu. Rasanya selalu berbeda

            Oh ya?

            Kadang kamu seperti menetes di tenggorokan yang teriris pisau

            Oh, menyakitkan?

            Kadang. Tapi untuk membersihkan

            Hmmm

            Kadang kamu seperti menetes di kaki perempuan yang retak menjejak panas

            Mendinginkan?

            Ya, dan menenangkan

            Kadang kamu tak ampunnya menetes di awan gelap, membuatku terlelap

            Hahaha

            Kadang kamu menetes di ruang sunyi

            Hmmm

            Dan saat itu kamu hanya ingin menemani

*debur

            Kenapa kamu hanya ingin sendiri?

            Kata siapa?

            Kataku. Bahkan saat bersama kaummu, pun kamu pun memilih untuk menyendiri

            Tapi aku tahu, bahkan saat itu pun kamu ada di sana

            Dimana?

            Di tepian, menungguku untuk menghampirimu

            Hmmmm

            Sekarang kamu tahu kan, … kita adalah satu

            Tapi bukan ini yang aku mau

            Aku tahu. Kamu api

            Dan kamu … air

            Dan kita saling mencinta dengan cara sederhana

            Seperti saat kamu menetes di panasku yang menjelaga

            Seperti kamu menghangatkanku di titik bekuku

            Seperti kamu menemaniku dengan tetesmu di keheningan

            Seperti kamu menungguku di tepian

            Kamulah pengingat

            Dan kamulah harapan

           

           

             

  

Flesh and Blood

Beberapa waktu yang lalu, semesta memperlihatkan aku sebuah fragmen kehidupan yang jarang-jarang aku temui. Saat itu, aku lagi menunggu taksi di sebuah gedung. Kira-kira jam tiga sore. Enggak lama, menepilah sebuah mobil Toyota Altis. Dari pintu supir, keluarlah seorang pria usia awal empat puluhan memakai kemeja tangan dan dasi. Sangat rapi. Dia keluar lalu membukakan pintu belakang. Dan keluarlah seorang anak laki-laki umur sembilan tahunan. Enggak lama, dari pintu yang sebelah lagi juga keluar anak laki-laki dengan wajah yang sangat mirip. “Oh, anak kembar” bathin aku. Keduanya membawa kotak alat musik. Yang satu membawa biola, yang satu lagi bisa aku tebak sedang membawa instrument tiup. Dari ukuran kotaknya sih kayanya flute atau clarinet. Di lantai atas, memang ada sekolah musik korea. Si ayah memperhatikan kedua anak sampai mereka benar-benar masuk ke dalam gedung Tak peduli udah diklaksonin mobil yang antri di belakangnya, si ayah benar-benar menunggu sampai kedua anak lelakinya hilang dari pandangan. Tak lama, ia pun melaju pergi.

Jam tiga sore, masih pakai baju kantor yang rapih. Dari tongkrongannya, level manager sih masuk lah. Kebayang hidupnya yang sibuk meeting sana sini, tapi masih sempat mengantar kedua anak kembarnya les musik. Yea, I know. Maybe it was one of his days. But who knows? Sosok ayah yang sangat memperhatikan anak-anaknya memang terbukti sangat ‘unyu’ di mata perempuan. Tepatnya, perempuan kaya aku :p

Masih menunggu taksi, lalu menepilah mobil berikutnya. Sebuah Alphard hitam. Dari pintu belakang, keluarlah perempuan cantik dengan potongan tubuh yang amat sangat langsing dan well-maintained. “Yummy mommy” bathin aku. Dan ternyata benar, nggak lama pintu supir pun terbuka lalu seorang mbak yang (maaf) tampak lusuh segera mengejar pintu pak supir. Ternyata, dari balik setir ada seorang bayi cowok kira-kira umur 8 bulan, kumel, duduk di pangkuan supir dan ikut menyetir sepanjang jalan. Lalu si Mbak segera menggendong si bayi sementara ibu majikannya udah jalan duluan entah kemana.

And I was like … taking a deep breath. Seriously, I felt envy and pathetic. Envy because of not every woman has the luxury to be a house wife and have most of their days being with their babies. And I felt pathetic because the lady passed me took her luxury for granted.

Why do people decided to have a kid in the first place? Is it because it is the next step after you got married, AND THAT’S IT? Is having a kid is like your achievement to be acknowledged as capable couple; as in financially capable and literally fertile? Is having a kid is one of the way to get your assurance, to have someone takes care of you in your old days? Or having a kid is to accompany you while you have no one beside you? For whatever reason, … can we set aside our selfish reasons?

Before we decided to have a kid, have we ever asked our self: are we strong enough to never quit and will never tired to do anything for them? Have we ever promised our future baby that we will never give up on them EVEN when we are broken? Did you ask yourself how powerful having a baby is to boost your life? Do you have the faith that your baby can be your magic pills?

Have you ever imagined, having a baby is like having a second chance for you? The chance when you are able to create a better life, a happier you, a better upbringing, a healthier you, a smarter you, a better you, and not a copy of you.

Maybe you are wondering why I am making a fuss about this topic. No, I'm not judging why you have kids and how you raise them. The thing is, I see people out there took granted for their kids. In the sense of, how a lovely kid is not enough to be their magic pill to keep them moving and striving the world. The cry of a baby can’t alarm and wake them up from their ego-maniac sleep. And to you, every single husband in the world, your task is actually only one: that is to make your wife, the mother of your kids, to be happy. Happy mom happy family.

LOVE

If the universe is a giant matrix that keeps busily clicking rearranging its numbers, i cannot hear any clicking sound at the moment. It is just so quiet. Very quiet you can even hear your own heart beat. Your own breath. The gurgling sound of your own blood running in your vein. So quiet you can even hear your heart for now she roars louder than the sea.

At first, you will be scared of this darkness. Limbo darkness. But then you will know, this is the only way you would notice a little light.

At first, you will be scared of being alone. But then you will know this is the only way you would realize that even your shadow will leave you in the dark.

At first you would feel imbalance. But then you would realize that to keep moving is the only way to keep your balance.

And when the world is shutting down, there is one little thing that keeps trying to exist even if you have unplugged the chord. It knocks your heart softly you barely feels. But it keeps knocking as if it is the only thing that wants you to be alive no matter what. 

And once you opened your door for it to get in, it is hard for you to let it go.  And it starts to give you a little warmth. Yes, only a little. But since you were all alone and frozen, a little warmth is perfect enough to save you from the longest winter. And its little wings start fluttering around you. Tickle your ear with its lovely whispers of how you are not alone.

You can't look for love. It will find you.

Takut 2

imaji seribu satu mimpi.
bayang seribu satu nyata.
dan aku berdiri diantara.

Takut

Kangen rasanya jadi anak-anak lagi. Mahluk kecil yang tidak kenal rasa takut. Karena tidak tahu dan tidak berharap yang muluk-muluk. Sampai suatu hari anak kecil itu dihadapkan dengan sesuatu yang dia rasakan jauh lebih besar dari dirinya. Maka dia akan berlari mencari seseorang, mencari terang, mencari apapun yang bisa dia temukan sehingga dia tidak lagi hanya seorang. 

Hingga saatnya anak itu menjadi besar, dia harus mengerti bahwa saat takut itu datang kembali; yang harus dia cari dan peluk adalah dirinya sendiri.