Tentang kamu di suatu pagi

Saat itu. Aku, aki dan dirimu; La Luna. 

Naik motor di pagi hari, mengantarmu bersekolah untuk belajar dan berlari-lari. 

Kamu di paling depan dan aku di paling belakang. 

Kamu pegang erat batang spion motor dan menikmati pemandangan. 

Melihat ke kiri, ke kanan, mengintip spion ke belakang. 

Aku peluk kamu erat. Jemariku merapat erat.

Terasa degupmu yang berdetak-detak. Karena ingin bertemu teman-teman? Atau karena kami bertiga mengantarmu ke sekolah dengan sepenuh hati, sepenuh doa? 

Kamu lepaskan satu tanganmu dari batang spion. 

Dan kamu genggam tanganku, menyatu dengan degup jantungmu. 

Saat itu aku bertanya-tanya, kenapa kamu melakukan itu? 

Tapi kemudian aku menghentikan semua tanya dan hanya merasa. 

Bahwa kamu senang, ada aku. 

#ndaluna

Three hours late.

2 AM and I stepped in to the house. Hubby was waiting for me. This was not the first time, and not the latest hour I had ever experienced with over time.

"See you soon Bunda. Or at 8, or at 9, or at 10, or at 11 like you said you would be late." Said my son.

I smiled as I entered the house. I smelled home. I saw my beautiful mess. As I picked up some toys on the floor, I imagined what games the kids had played today. There was a drawing, mini ceramics pots, not too chaotic for kids who were left with nini and aki without nannies.

I also saw their time tables, with some check marks on the list. Those that they weren't checked was the responsibility to wash their own dishes. I saw some dirty cups piling up. I saw the microwave's door left half-opened, a baking sheet and a knife. I wonder what they have cooked.
I also saw minecraft was in active window and some search on youtube and google.

Getting home in this hour and not seeing their faces but seeing all the mess they made today, somehow relieved me. As I cleaned them up, I felt like taking a detour of what happened today. As if I was there with them, and those are the reasons why I am smiling though I felt sleepy and tired.

"Sorry babies, I was three hours late. I will make up some other time."

october.

october is still in the beginning. it was wet and i could smell the fresh smell of the grass, even if it was not raining. october  used to be my favorite month. it was autumn, it was dry and the cold breeze can easily breaks my nose membrane and i got nose bleed. the day i found you.

it has been years ago. now i feel october in new breeze. this time, october felt a bit rush.

earliest october was the day of a mega pitch. three pitch presentations in a day. it was like our blood and flesh were torn apart preparing the whole things. one of the pitches was also one of the backbone clients, that also brought the feeling of having the pitch felt like a burden. i could not imagine how many cut offs there would be if we lose.

the second day, was also one of the biggest day for my son and also for me. the day my one and only son got circumcised. at his 9 years of age, he decided to surrender himself to one of the deepest pain in life. his cry resembled the day he lost his eyang and also resembled the night he missed his father when there were just the two of us. i took a hold on him. i hugged him tight and looked deep into his eyes. telling him to be patient and how proud i am to have such a brave kid like him. i could not see what the doctor did to his thing, i prefered to look just into his eyes. from the beginning to the end.

the eleventh day, would also be one of the big day. having a kid went to school everyday was already such a production. i just could imagine having two. but yes, i will.
little luna could wait to go to school. the day we got the acceptance letter, the swimming bag, the t-shirt, she wore them all together and handed out the letter i needed to sign. what would happen next, i could imagine. would she get cranky, would the separation anxiety rise, would she refused to have breakfast, would there be another imaginary friend coming out as a self defense just like titan did, would there be a problem since she is a kind of aggressive girl. oh boy, i really could not imagine.

i hope everything would be just fine. another steps to be a better mom, better parent and a better me.
bismillah.

The terrible two

La Luna is two years and four months now. Day by day, I am starting to realize how drama queen she has become. Sometimes I got easily ticked off. Sometimes, I pretend being a deaf when she tantrums. Here are some lists.

"The world revolves around me"
This is the first drama of all. When she talks, she will not allow you look at other spot. She would just pull off your jaw so you can see her in the eye. And watch she talks, sings or do something.

"If I am upset, I will make sure your life is miserable too."
She cried and cried and will not let you do your things. She will try harder to make you upset too. Like screaming while stepping on your toe, or throw your things to the trash bin, everything but a peaceful you.

"Everything needs to be done, my way. "
If you get wrong doing it, she would ask you to do it again.
Or, a tantrum.

"If I don't get what I want, so does everyone else. "
She is not getting an ice cream because she is having fever. Then she would grab anyone's ice cream and throw them away.

I wonder whether these things happen to La Luna only, or it is so typical of raising a daughter. Sadly and luckily, these also happen to most moms with daughters. I asked a friend when I will get through this phase. She laughed. Hard. Apparently the drama will always come up. In another form as our daughter grows.

Good God!

"Guys, how can you fall in love with us?"

"Jadi orang tua itu, harus mau repot lho!"

-Dr. Waldi, Spa-

His Facebook status today. Of course, with a story behind it. 

The story of a parent who gave their son homeopathy sedative, because they think their son is hyperactive. Dr. Waldi thinks that the child have so much energy and his parents need to channel it instead of giving him sedatives. 

Jleb moment for me. 

I am too lazy to take Luna for a walk, everyday. 

I am too lazy to take her bounce a ball or ride a tricycle, every afternoon.

I prefer her to squeeze playdough and paint, everyday.

And so I can watch her under aircon, and so I could peep my mobile, and so I could play the music on, and so I don't need to make nonsense conversations with the neighbour. 

Oh, two years and I haven't been a better parent.

Maaf ya Titan, La Luna, bunda janji akan jadi lebih baik.
Dan lebih sabar.
Bear with me. 

Vitamin Sea

Bubu pengen ngabisin cuti.
Luna lagi seneng nonton Ponyo.
Titan, masih juga keranjingan sama perahu.
Jadi rasanya memang tepat kalau tema liburan kita kali ini adalah P A N T A I

Awalnya, kita berencana untuk ke Belitung. Tapi ternyata setelah tanya-tanya, fasilitas water sport di sana masih kurang mumpuni dan island hoppingnya pun lumayan agak jauh, kurang cocok buat Luna yang masih umur 2 tahun dan takutnya panik saat naik perahu.

Pilihan ke dua sempet tanya-tanya ke roemah pulomanuk  yang ternyata punya si director iklan Isaac Wee. Udah sempat imel-imelan, tapi setelah dipikir-pikir, situasi pantai selatan terlalu hardcore buat anak-anak karena berbatu dan berkarang. Ombaknya yang besar pun lebih cocok untuk para surfer ketimbang bocah-bocah yang kangen laut.

Akhirnya, kita memutuskan untuk pergi ke Pulau Umang. Jauh sih naik mobilnya, tapi Luna bisa survive waktu road trip ke jawa tengah. So, perjalanan 6 jam kayanya sih bakalan aman-aman aja. Naik perahu ke pulaunya pun enggak lama, cuma sekitar 10 menit. Jadi cukup amanlah ya buat Luna dan kayanya cukup mengakomodir keinginan semua pihak. Bisa main pasir, bisa berenang, bisa mancing, bisa naik perahu, bisa water sport.

Dua hari setelah Luna sembuh, kita berangkat. Jam enam pagi dari rumah. Sengaja berangkat pagi supaya anak-anak masih bobo jadi bisa melanjutkan tidur di mobil. Selalu lebih aman begitu daripada nungguin mereka bangun, sarapan trus berangkat. Kemungkinan cranky lebih kecil kalau mereka berangkat tidur malam udah siap dengan baju pergi dan paginya kita angkut sama bantal-bantalnya ke mobil hahaha! Bagian belakang mobil pun sudah disulap jadi empuk dengan tumpukan bed cover.

Bener aja. Anak-anak mulai bangun jam sepuluhan saat kita sudah menembus Pandeglang. Bangun dengan segar lalu asyik ngemil arem-arem dan bloeder bekalan sambil lihat-lihat pemandangan.

Sampai di daerah Sumur sekitar jam 11. Sempat menunggu sebentar sebelum akhirnya kita menyeberang dengan motor boat. Untungnya lagi si pulau umang ini ada parking lot nya dan dijagain 24 jam sama security. Yah, nggak perlu khawatir lah ya.

Pulau Umang memang langitnya enggak sebiru Belitung. Tapi kalau untuk bawa anak-anak, buat saya sih cukup. Anak-anak juga happy banget. Bisa main pasir, bisa berburu kerang cantik, bisa melihat ikan-ikan lucu dari dermaga yang cuma 50 meter dari pantai. Luna juga kesampean liat 'Ponyo' dalam bentuk ubur-ubur mungil. Kita juga sempat main ke Pulau Oar juga yang letaknya bersebelahan dengan pulau Umang.

Untuk resortnya sendiri, maintenancenya memang sudah kendor. Tapi masih terlihat sisa-sisa kejayaan mereka. Agak sayang sih. Tapi buat saya selama ac masih OK dan ada water heater, itu udah cukup.

Buat biaya, kemarin kita dapat harga paket. Untuk 2 orang dewasa 1 anak dan 1 balita; kita kena sekitar 3,2 juta rupiah. Sudah termasuk makan 6 kali dan penjemputan kapal. Untuk trip ke pulau Oar, kita dikenakan harga 50.000 per orang dewasa dan 30.000 untuk anak (batita enggak dihitung). Untuk snorkling, 75.000 per orang.

Yang menyenangkan lagi adalah, stafnya ramah-ramah banget! Di hari keberangkatan kita rajin banget di SMS untuk update posisi, didoain semoga lancar dan juga diingetin untuk makan siang plus dikasih tau spot makan siang yang OK di perjalanan. Sampai di sana pun mereka memantau terus kegiatan kita dan setiap waktu makan kita pasti di SMS kalau makanannya sudah siap. Personal banget, ya. Dan kemarin itu kita beruntung banget memutuskan untuk pergi saat weekdays, karena begitu kita check out datanglah rombongan perusahaan sebanyak 150 orang ha ha ha!

Well, happy happy happy ... kapan-kapan mau kok balik lagi.

Settingannya cocok untuk honeymooners ya hahaha 

Rumahnya sebenarnya terlalu besar untuk kita ber-4 yang senengnya bobo usel-uselan 

Pulau Oar, the snorkeling spot

Sulit dikatakan Luna ngantuk atau khawatir

Kakak Titan's thingy. 

Belajar survival, bagaimana membuat api. 

Bikin kandang umang-umang. Pantes namanya pulau umang, banyak umang dimana-mana. 

Ada botol whiskey nyamperin, kita isilah dengan doa.  

Pulangnya mampir ke Mercu Suar di Carita

All in all, it was happiness for all. Setelah dipikir-pikir, kayanya ini trip liburan pertama yang isinya cuma kita berempat aja. Karena biasanya kalau jalan-jalan kita selalu ajakin aki-nini atau uwak dan ponakan-ponakan.

Ternyata, perlu juga sering-sering pergi liburan berempat aja.

Akhirnya, saat itu datang juga.

Kali ke dua mencoba menyapih Luna. Malam ini tepat malam ke tujuh Luna bisa bobo malam tanpa nenen. Perlahan mulai hilang crankynya, walau masih kebangun tengah malam mencari sudut kenyamanannya di dadaku.

Ternyata benar, menyapih itu butuh kekuatan dan keberanian bagi keduanya. Like it takes two to tango, masing-masing saling menguatkan. Terima kasih pada alam, yang membuat semua ini terjadi. Karena kalau enggak ada edisi muntah-muntah lagi seperti Juli lalu; mungkin saat ini Luna masih nenen juga.

Aku enggak pernah nge-set timing kapan Luna harus berhenti menyusu, karena seperti yang pernah aku ceritain di sini beberapa bulan lalu; kegiatan ini sama-sama menyenangkan buat kita berdua. Jadi mau sampai 3 tahun atau 4 tahun pun aku enggak keberatan. Tapi, terima kasih sama dokter rossie yang mengingatkan, kalau umur 3 tahun fase oral harus sudah selesai. Itu artinya, fase nenen dan coba-coba semua masuk ke mulut udah harus selesai. Luna sudah harus bisa dididik untuk berhenti itu semua. Plus, toilet training. Wah, ... tugas yang berat untuk umur 2 tahun ya.

And I am so proud, my baby girl is getting through them so very well. Kalau mau ke belakang, udah bilang dan langsung lari sambil copot celana sendiri. Walaupun masih suka ketuker mau poop atau mau pee. And for the weaning part, ... it is gorgeous.

Betapa hebatnya masa menyusui, namun enggak kalah hebat juga masa-masa menyapih. Setelah seminggu ini disapih, mamnya makin lahap dan semua mau dicobain. She gained another 500 grams within a week. Dan yang paling signifikan adalah, dia makin berani mengeksplorasi lingkungan sekitar. Bangun tidur sendiri, buka pintu dan mencari sendiri dimana ibunya. Kalau dibawa ke tempat umum pun dia sudah mau jalan-jalan sendiri dan menyapa orang-orang asing. Mau bobo pun sekarang mau di sekitar bubunya instead of under my armpit hehehe.

So what are the tips for this lovely weaning with love?
1. Understanding. Understand that both mom and kid needs time and follow your motherly intuition to notice which time is the right time.
2. Talk talk and talk. Give her understanding in a way she understands. Di kasus Luna, kayanya anaknya tipe benefit oriented. Jadi, daripada aku kasih tau dia soal sekarang udah gede dan anak gede enggak menyusu lagi; aku kasih tau dia kalau menyusu takutnya akan muntah-muntah lagi (dan memang itu kejadiannya, bukan bohong) ... and it works.
3. Load some more lots of activities to distract her from thinking of leyeh-leyeh sambil nenen
4. Introduce more variants of taste and textures to the tongue.
5. Some 'old school' tricks like putting band aids or even lipstick to your breast might needed, never be ashamed or feeling guilty just because of that.

And it's all folks!

Put up lots of activities ... 

... I mean LOTS!!! 

These are the series of persuading face 'Minta Nenen' 

Tree House Project weekend #1

Kita sekeluarga hampir memiliki mimpi-mimpi yang sama. Misalnya aja,  teropong bintang. Ariawan masih ingat saya sudah menyebut-sebut soal pengen punya teropong bintang sejak SMA. Dan Titan, karena sejak awal memang diperkenalkan dengan semesta angkasa, dia juga pengen punya teropong bintang saat dia mengerti apa arti namanya. Buat saya sendiri, kadang mimpi ya cuma mimpi. Jarang dijadikan tujuan. Tapi setelah ada motivasi lebih seperti misalnya Titan mulai meminta dibelikan teropong, saya jadi lebih semangat untuk mewujudkan mimpi saya itu yang juga menjadi mimpi orang-orang yang saya sayang.

 Nah, begitu juga dengan rumah pohon. Saya pertama kali jatuh cinta dengan rumah pohon waktu jaman SD nonton Hansel and Gretel. Mungkin, berbeda dengan teman-teman saya yang lagi suka Barbie and everything glitter, saya langsung jatuh cinta sama compang-campingnya mereka dan indahnya gubug permen di tengah hutan. Not literally a tree house for sure. But I like the nuance. The ambience. Sayangnya, punya rumah di Jakarta enggak memungkinkan untuk bikin rumah pohon. Baru setelah ayah dipindahtugaskan ke Palembang dan rumah kami kebetulan memiliki dua pohon besar dan kolam ikan di bawahnya, kami punya platform di atas pohon. Sebenarnya platform itu juga bukan buat rumah pohon. Tapi saya suka duduk di sana, sharing sama monyet peliharaan kami ha ha ha!

Nah, kejadian berulang kembali di akhir tahun 2011 ketika Ariawan membuatkan rumah pohon di atas pohon mangga di belakang rumah. Tapi bentuknya masih enggak mumpuni walaupun lumayan banget bisa nampung kita bertiga nonton kembang api di akhir tahun itu. Sampai tiba-tiba pohon terserang semut rang-rang dan bikin kita bubar dan enggak pernah nginjak rumah pohon itu lagi sampai sekarang, di 2015.

Untungnya, fondasi utama penyanggah rumah pohon terbuat dari kayu besi yang enggak lekang dimakan panas dan hujan. Jadi, ketika Titan minta kado ulang tahun yang ke-8 berupa rumah pohon, Ariawan tinggal menambah fondasi dan memperpanjang ukuran rumah tersebut mengingat sudah ada La Luna dan besar kemungkinan untuk berebut space di atas sana.

So, tanpa rencana (seperti biasa mengandalkan mood yang sedang berkobar), pergilah ariawan ke tukang kayu dan memesan beberapa kayu kaso dan reng. Iya, mulai dari yang murah dulu deh ya. Nanti kalau prototype ini sudah jadi dan ada rejeki, kita ganti pakai kayu jati. Janji deh, Titan :)

Lalu mulai deh potong-potong dan serut-serut. Untuk projek ini Ariawan sengaja beli serutan kayu, maksudnya supaya setelah projek ini jadi kali-kali dia bisa lanjut bikinin saya stool di meja makan mungil kami hihihi ... amiiiiiiiin :)

Sayangnya, agak kurang perhitungan untuk kayu reng dan toko bangunan pun tutup di hari minggu. So, karena memang ngerjainnya bisanya hanya di hari sabtu dan minggu, lanjut lagi deh minggu depan. Untuk minggu ini, udah bagus banget karena sudah jadi platform utama dan kita udah bisa manjat-manjat. La Luna? Wah, bukan main dia senangnya. Enggak ada takut-takutnya berada di ketinggian tiga meter.

Masih banyak yang harus dilakukan. Pagar, bagaimana cara memanjat (kan nggak seru ya kalau pakai tangga) plus saya juga minta dibuatkan hammock yang membentang dari pohon ke tembok samping. Plus, ayunan tarzan. Dasar bunda banyak mau! Hahaha ...

Well, kita lihat aja ya gimana next step-nya. Sampai ketemu minggu depan!

Aki menyumbangkan kayu besi lagi dan ikut sibuk kordinasi

Hello, Me! Tetep ya bawa sapu buat bersih-bersih

Bocah lanang lagi menatap ke kejauhan

Uwak Ary si jago ngebor, Trust me, ngebor kayu besi itu enggak gampang!

Cah wedhok pengennya duduk-duduk di pinggir, bundanya sereeeeeem 

Weekend Getaway

Well, I need to warn you that his post will be cheesy. 
You can stop now, or enjoy my cheesiness. And laugh on it. 


I forgot the last time I visited Bandung.
Maybe, four years ago; if I am not mistaken.
I came with a rumble heart.
I did not do much, and nothing could make me feel missing that town for the next couple of years.
Until last weekend.
When we had to, because of a wedding.

For me, it was more like becoming a chaperone for my parents who insisted to go to Bandung.
Sounds boring, I know.
But it turned out fun, for we treated it like having a holiday.

First thing first for a holiday is, that we all need to have fun. All happy & tired at the same level. Therefore, we decided not to take a car and let the tiredness goes to the driver (only).

Second first thing first is that we all need to explore, trying out new things we never had before. So we delisted the option of renting a car from Jakarta and decided to go by train. Afterall, four out of six people in the house never had the train experience to Bandung before.
Thanks to tiket.com, we finally managed to book the ticket for the long weekend. There was a bit mistake in booking the seats, that we (me, bubu, titan and la luna) went to different compartment with aki and nini. But hey, it turned out to be a bless. When La Luna and Titan got bored, they could walk around to visit aki and nini. Big yeay for Bunda. It is going to be my trick on travelling with toddlers.

Third first thing first for a holiday is that we all want comforts. Since we are six, we need to hire two cabs anyway. So, why don't we all seat together comfortably in an Alphard silver bird and watch the Mayday strike from the big window? The cost is slightly the same with the double blue bird. I feel like a winner for being luxurious and mreki at the same time.
In Bandung, there was a driver who had already waiting for us. He was a very good one. He took small streets and alley ways to avoid the hellish Bandung on weekend so we managed to keep track on our plans. Two thumbs up! You can have his number, just ask me.

Last but not least, that it is very important to make everybody happy. Elders got to the wedding, youngsters got to new places. Since our time was very limited, we could only go to Floating market. But kids got the climax for the holiday: the becak ride!

We were so happy! Tired, but yes ... happy.
The train ride was so exciting and there was a tour guide who told us about the ancient sites like Sasaksaat tunnel (the third longest train tunnel in the world) and Cisomang Bridge (the highest train bridge in Indonesia). The foods were so so, and the cleanliness was a bit poor. But it was okay for a tree hours ride. Still it hurt when the train reached Bekasi and we could start smelling the carbon monoxide.

It had been 17 months since our last holiday, a road trip to Yogya - Solo.
Now I am craving for more.

O, finally! That one particular word!

I don't believe in Kartini. 
But yes, April 21st 2015 was one of the wonderful days I had. 


la luna udah mau dua tahun.
anak itu lagi lucu-lucunya. ampun!
Meniru, disuruh joget atau apa aja mau. setelah beberapa kata seperti:

yoyo (meyong), poop, pis (pipis), papah (jerapah), moi (doraemon), kitty (hello kitty), koko (ayam jago yang berkokok), baba (laba-laba / lumba-lumba), egg, fish, sho sho (dinosaurus), so (bakso), huhu (tahu), pipi, mam, numnum (minum), maaaa (mau), mamah (nini), tu (satu / sepatu), duwa (dua), ka! (buka), ba! (baju), bubu, kaka, mah (rumah), ciap-ciap (burung kenari binatang peliharaannya), gogoh (jatuh), kit (sakit), kut (takut), iyyaaaa, bobbo, bebbe (bebek), buwwah (buah), pig, bipbip (mobil), 


... dan akhirnya kata yang aku tunggu-tunggu keluar juga.

"Daaaaaa!"

Yes! Itu kata yang luna ucap kalau manggil bunda :)
tepatnya, tanggal 21 April 2015 kata itu tercipta hahaha.

Gara-garanya, dia lagi berbuat sesuatu yang bandel banget (dan aku lupa apa itu. entah ngelelepin kucing ke mangkok tempat minum, entah panjat-panjat meja, entah menabur-tabur beras, entah menduduki si anak kucing dan masih banyak lagi.) ... lalu aku bilang gini

"Masya allah lunaaaaaa nakal amat siiih, anak siapa iniiiii?"
"Daaaaaaa!" jawabnya spontan.

Oalah, antara kaget dan mau ketawa dengernya.
Jadi lupa deh mau marah.

About Us

to titan and la luna.

i want to tell you a little story about the love bubu and I have. neither the sweetest nor the coolest love tale you will ever known, but i hope it can give you two a little up when you are feeling down.

if ever someone asked me, your mom, how much i love your bubu; i would say ... i do. though i found it hard to express my love for him, but i do. though i found it hard to remember when i have thought of him, but i still do. and i know he loves me too.

our love does not come in a form of fancy dinner or having a wefie in instagram. our love does not go through a journey in the background of a beautiful landscape. our love does not told in a long scripted messages through whatsapp or a bombastic 'nocturnal' activity. neither a fancy birthday gifts, surprise parties, big feasts, "have a nice day or lunch or dinner or meeting" texts.

our love just come in a more humble and reachable way. like late-at-night-wake-ups to bring a glass of water when I or him caught a cough. comes in an always-alert sleeping and woken up just to feel one of us is moving though it was just a little bit. comes in an acceptance of the surround snores. comes in a lunch box he brings to work everyday and eats whatever inside. comes in a working so hard he hardly cut his nails and I did it for him when he was asleep.

boring as it may sound, but if you two ever experience this feelings; you two will know how comforting it is. though sometimes i think bubu does not need a wife. he cooks, he plants, he repairs, he builds, he works, he can take care of himself, and these make me learn a lot from him.

when you know you are loved by someone who can enjoy life by himself, you know you can live with him and love life together. 

The Best

"are you happy to have me as your mom?"

"yes, I am."

"have you ever think of a better mom? 
and you wish her to be your mom? 

"no, you are the best mom."

"you are the best kid also. 
you and la luna are my precious."



we kissed and went to bed. 

A Little Note

Let me take you to one of my emotional post.

Never at once; someone who got married with the reason of building life together, wanted a divorce. But who knows things that would came up along the marriage? A divorce is the last thing someone would do. Not because they are not strong enough. It is because they are tired to wake up on the same day everyday. Maybe, it is because they urge the need of moving on their life.

And so I did.

The best thing of the worst things happened was, we decided it together. We got to the court together. We wrote the testimony together, consulted every lines to each other and made sure they are accepted by both parties.

What we started well must end well.

And here comes the saddest part, our son. God knows the regrets we had, and still having, for what he has been through.  We did mistakes for our marriage, we cannot do mistake to our son.  If anyone would ever asked how me and my ex could still meet each other nicely and peacefully, the answer will only be one: it is because the love for our son is so great. Even greater than the love we have for ourselves that we need to lower down our ego, to be stronger to keep catering the past to the present.

And as everyone wanted, our life moves on. But the past can never be forgotten, can never be erased. For now our past have merged together with the present. I am blessed for having a husband who is open minded to accept my ex to come over to our house for a Fridate with our son. To find someone who loves you and wanted to marry you might be hard. But I can tell you, finding someone who wanted to marry you and love not only you but also the ones you love, is way harder. And I am blessed once again for finding one.

I remember the letter my son wrote for his step father on father's day last year.
"Terima kasih Bubu, sudah kasih tahu Titan kalau Titan salah. Terima Kasih. Happy Bubu's day"

:')

Today, I found he wrote another letter. Not for me or his bubu, it was for his cousin. But he showed me and he made me smile.  He wrote about what he likes, what makes him feel bored, what the weird things happening, and most important is how he live a happy life and live a happy family.

Our life might not perfect, Malicca. But your happiness is what I can always promise you that I will try my best. Let's be happy with our limitations. Let's make peace with ourselves and all the things or people we ever hate.

7 y.o big brother lulled her 1,5 y.o little sister while mom was driving.

The little note.

What I always witness before bed time. 

...

I am blessed.
Thank you God, for giving such kind and wonderful people in my life.
Having them makes me think that no such little hatred deserves a space in my brain.

Karma

have you ever wonder what kind of life you and your kids will have when you get old?
i mean ... those rhetorical questions like would the kids be a good boy and girl in the future? would they be useful for the community? would they be useful for themselves? would they have a good job or career? would they survive the world? what would they think of you, their parents? would they take care of you as you will have a gradual hearing loss, memory loss and live as a retiree with limited amount of money? would they be happy? would you be happy seeing them?

well, i do. and i am sure you do too.

and having said that, since i would never be able to answer that, i reflect myself to what is happening to me now and my relation with my parents and other family members. have i been a good child? have they fed me with halal? what mistakes and goods they have made, all the deeds that make me what i am today: a karma for my parents.

and my children, will be my karma too.

then suddenly i am in a deep mourn, because the big question arise: have i been a good mother? have i done the right thing for them? because i think, i have not. i could have been better and want to be better. but how? what is a better mom in criteria? i don't have the checklists. would it be no more bribes? would it be no more toys? would it be giving all they want? would it be letting them do what makes them happy?

then what if they asks the mistakes i have done? the obvious ones? the path i have taken? and if i answer them, what if they cannot accept my reasons? would i be the one to blame? would they know that i only got one chance to be a parent? and in this case, their parent. would they understand, that many times, i also do not know what to do.

to my kids, malicca and la luna.
you are the chance that i have, and the only chance god gives me to be a mother. there is no way you can get back to my tummy and god definitely did not do a mistake sending you two to me. because we are made for each other.
and if i do something wrong, ever, and i am sure i will (or did), would you please forgive me? because as you grow each day, i also learn new things about you and about myself. because we all change every single day, it is just sometimes we forget to tell what the changes are.

i love you satellites.
how many times i have told you that it is not you who runs around me, it is you two that has been the centre of my gravity.

Rule #1

Yes, rule #1 is to love yourself, and accept who you really are.
Diets are for those who hate themselves. A lot.

I love you, babycakes.

the power of waiting

hello, it is been a while.
well, big boy is having a long holiday and little girl has been exercising her little steps. hence, cellphone is away most of the times and laptop has been occupied for the past week. yes, that would include night time; the time slot I used to blog.

so, what's new?

la luna is 11 and 2 weeks already. yesterday, june 26th 2014 was her official day of the ability to walk herself. started with four or five little steps and she gets scared sometimes, but i am sure she will walk independently real soon.

while mum, is officially having her back-ache back. maybe 6 years is a tad long for having a second child. I completely forget every phases of child development and body needs longer time to adjust. yet the joints start clanking and energy has lessen.

yes, in other words: i am aging. 

hitting her first year in a few weeks, there has been a significant emotional leap with la luna. she screams and nags more often than she used to. it is like she is showing the world that there are two queens in the house and she gotta be the number one. ow, chill baby chill. you can be the queen even the mightiest queen, but i - am - your - boss *thunder striking*

while practising her walk, she often finger-points to direct where we should go. but many times, i also have another direction to go just to turn off the lights or get some drink, then comes the conflict: where should we go then?

when it happens, i usually tell her to go with me first and we can go anywhere she likes after. but as predicted she would throw tantrums. so i let myself go off her grip and tell she can go there herself and i will catch her up soon. or, if she wants, she could wait for me. i said i would only take a while and i would be back.

of course, she would cry to see me leaving her. but i hope she will get my point someday: that people have other things to do and she is not the centre of the universe that everyone must evolve around her all the time. and also i hope she would learn that waiting for a moment would not hurt at all. 

anyways,
i said about my laptop has been occupied. did i say it was all about minecraft? hahaha. well yes, for the past year titan has been focussing in two things: titanic and minecraft. i don't mind with the first one, but minecraft was a bit draggy for me because it brought so many problems.

titan knew the game from his cousin, dinda, who is now 12 years old. ariawan downloaded it the first time on his tab, with a demo version. but then problem came along: titan could not get his eyes off the tab the whole weekend, forgetting his meal and shower,  then ariawan erased it off. people are disappointed.

having another style of parenting, dinda's parent bought her a tab that of course has a minecraft apps. at first, titan was so patient looking at dinda building things but then he lost his patient and came another problem : cousins fight.

me and ariawan stayed to our decision, that no matter what happens there will be no minecraft in the house. but then big boy got another solution for his minecraft cravings: he asked his uwak to install minecraft on his computer. so dinda can play on her tab and he can play on uwak's computer. the world was peaceful for a while. of course, because my lovely satellite was missing for hours and days. his eyes were tuned on a computer i could not supervise, because he played it on his uwak's computer at nini's house.

one day, i checked out uwak's computer just to find out what had been going with the minecraft thingy. well, titan built so many amazing things; actually. but my worries came to life, i found that the computer was not protected and was not prepared to share with the kids. so i tell titan not to play again with other people's computer and i promise i will buy him the licensed minecraft so he can go online and build a proper minecraft city with other friends. he looked happy and asked me:

"when?" 

of course, i said "later. but not now". 

"when is later?" he pushed. 

"on june, while you are having a long holiday. but with agreements." 

"like always ya, Bunda."

"like always."

"what are those?"

"there is a time for everything. when is for playing minecraft, when is to have your meals, when is to take shower, and to balance your eyes that has would be tortured; you have to eat veggies and fruits. to balance your right brain in making buildings, you would also have to do the worksheets i will give you be it math or english. in school days, mineraft is only available of weekend; 6 hours a day."

he took a deep breath and said nothing for a while. but then he answered "ok, bismillah. i hope i can do all of those."

"remember, it will only take a little click to uninstall your imaginary world"

"iyaaaaa ... jangan dong!" 

 *hand shake* 

preparing this minecraft thingy was a bit of production. i asked a lot to my friends who are real gamers, because, honestly; i am not a gamer at all. but then the best advice came from titan's other cousin who lives in adelaide: anindya, she is 10 years old and has been playing minecraft for years even for school project. thanks to her, now we got a family-friendly server that has complicated forms just to make sure my son will behave nicely and are waiting for its joining approval (good god, what took them so long to approve us?!) and to add with, i also have my personal minecraft pro handy to catch-up with today's world. 

on june 23rd 2014, after a long waiting phase, titan finally got his own licensed minecraft. his eyes widened when he saw me typed the credit card number on minecraft.net that was ... on sale! *lol, mom will always be mom*  and he screamed as the download done. i promised him that i would learn to play it too as a gratitude for him for putting his top-notch-patient on the highest level. 

i hope someday you will learn that good things comes for those who wait. and i hope you will also respect my effort to learn new things of your generation's.

I feel happy today

I think I have just written about this a few days ago.
Today I had the chance to de-list my uh-so-lazy-to-get-out-of-the-house and meet my besties yana and lita , of course with Luna.

And the moment finally came, when Luna threw tantrums and just could-not-stop-crying and refused to seat in her carseat. She cried almost the whole journey from Matari to Puri Indah Mall, ... and back! I tried to stay calm though, thanks to Yana and Lita who stayed calm too. The only thing I regretted was to let her off her carseat, yet she kept crying anyway.

I knew this day would come. So tomorrow hopefully I am well-trained enough to hear her nags, annoying I-want-my-mommy-tantrums-and-cry... while I am driving. And hopefully, she will learn too that I will never give up.

Thank you Yana for the lovely pic!
Oh, and do you see the beautiful doll in polkadot? Its name is Luna, by @kuklagram (instagram)
Go check their instagram feeds and be prepared to fall in love with their handmade hugs :)

Luna's first few steps

O'o ...
welcoming another sleep walker in the family!

Tadi malam, saya lagi menidurkan Luna sambil disusui. Tiba-tiba dia terbangun dan langsung berdiri tegak lalu melangkah tegap sebanyak empat langkah ke kepala tempat tidur.

Karena takut, saya tangkap dia dan segera susukan kembali. Luna pun tidur. Dan saya masih terbengong-bengong.

Pertama, Luna belum bisa berjalan dengan lancar. Apakah kejadian tadi berarti dia sudah bisa berjalan tapi alam sadarnya membuatnya takut terjatuh?

Ke dua, kira-kira dia sedang mengejar apa ya, dalam mimpinya? Itukah yang harus saya temukan supaya dia lebih cepat berjalan? *mulai ambisius*

Ke tiga, apakah ini berarti Luna juga akan memiliki kebiasaan sleep walking seperti saya dan kakak sepupunya?

Ah tauk ah

*bobo*

every family has its story

dear titan and la luna,
now let me tell you about family.

well, a family is people you see and know for the first time.
those people around who watch you grow.
they see you get bigger, get taller, but not necessarily they make you stronger.
you see them, you know them, but your understanding toward them doesn't come instantly, or easily.
sometimes it takes forever to understand the character of each member of your family.
those are the people you see most often, but sometimes, not the one you seek for the first time.
either when you are in good or bad.

there are times when you feel you hate your family.
you hate your mom, your dad, your sister or brother,
but then you will realise that a family, just like any other things in the world,  can not always be nice.
and when that day come, just remember that there is no perfect family.
there is always the nicest, the worst, the most generous, the most stingy, those who make you feel happy the most or many times, those who makes you cry and pissed off the whole day.
but your family, is your family.
no matter what.
by then I hope you will realise that you will just have to accept your family.
the way they are.

and you, my children, you are a pair of angels god gave me.
because god knows having each other will make your life easier as brother and sister.
because god wants you to be stronger by having each other.
because god wants you to be always in his path, so god gave one as a reminder to the other.

and I want nothing in this world except you grow healthy and happy and to be grateful for having each other and taking care of each other.
promise me that,
one day.

... until you become one.

to my children:
you will never know how becoming a parent will make you stronger, until you are one.


la luna,

until you become a mother, you will not know how finger tips on your feet can be lengthened and be very flexible to reach things in the corner of the bed be it a pen, a warming oil, a hand towel, anything bigger or smaller, ... just to keep your baby calm while you are nursing her.

until you become a mother, you do not know you can do juggling until you put your clothes on while nursing.

you will also not know that you are even smarter than einstein until you realise you can easily tweak your brain to distract your baby and sneakily take things off her hands just to avoid her from choking or get suffocated.

until you become a mother, you do not know how hurt it is to see your kids turn back on you. or pick their friends over you. and until you become a mother, you do not know that you are a superhero because you will always do anything to protect your children.

until you become a mother, you do now know that you do not need a time capsule. because all you want is the time to stay still so you will have much time to watch your children grow and be with them more.

malicca,

until you become a father, you do not know that to be capable is much more important than to be the best. by the time, you will know that no one is perfect and the best thing in the world is to be beside your children when they need you, and you are capable to help them.

until you become a father, you will not know how eager you can be to get better jobs, get more money, and so you can provide all the luxuries your children needs.

you will also get the point why lying is never a good thing.

only until you become a father, you will know what worry is. to see your half-part is not getting back from school or to see your daughter seeing a guy.

to both of you,
until you become a parent, you will not realise what your parents say all along are true.
until you become a parent, you will not realise how strong you can be,  and i am sure, you two are going to be strong. and stronger.
and until you become a parent; you will not know how big my love for you both.