Malicca, you are my 'malaika'

Malaikat

Malaikatku mungkin tidak sepintar manusia seusianya.

Ia tidak sempurna, dan seringkali berbuat semau-maunya.

Kadang ia berbohong, untuk menutupi kesalahannya.

Atau, hanya karena merasa takut kepada manusia-manusia yang lebih besar dan lebih pintar darinya.

Kadang, apapun pertanyaan yang diajukan kepadanya; ia menjawab "Tidak tahu."

Antara benar-benar tidak tahu atau supaya cepat saja dan tidak ingin berlama-lama ditanya.

Tapi malaikatku selalu ada.

Ia menemaniku di saat-saat susahku.

Di saat-saat sendiriku.

Jemarinya yang mungil pernah menghapus air mataku saat ia tak sengaja meleleh di pipiku.

Bahkan jiwanya yang berani pernah membela seorang wanita tua yang dihardik oleh kakek.

Dan hatinya yang besar, yang tak menyisakan dendam bagaimanapun kami manusia melukainya.

Bagi sebagian manusia, hal yang dilakukan malaikatku hanyalah hal yang biasa.

Saat ini, aku mengandung lagi di dalam rahimku

Dan malaikatku membuktikan sekali lagi bahwa ialah yang paling bahagia menyambut kedatangan saudaranya

Memeluknya saat tidur,

membacakannya cerita,

mengambilkanku tissue saat isi perut tak tertahankan ingin meronta

Dan salahkah jika aku selalu membelanya,

hanya karena aku adalah ibunya?

Suddenly...

There are 9 more rabbits in our house.
Oh, well ....
You can read the complete story here

Hujan malam ini

Rintik yang meniti detik

Titik-titik yang menggenjot tirai malam,

Menyelimuti dunia dengan dinginnya

Dan menggelitik dengan embunnya, titik demi titik

Apa yang paling menyenangkan dari hujan? Untukku, saat bulirnya pertama kali menapak tanah lalu menyerap dan menguap membawa serta bau tanah dan rerumputan. Ingin rasanya mengumpul harumnya dalam botol, menutup lalu mendistilasinya. Akan kuhirup baunya, di suatu saat dimana aku rindu.

Waktu kecil, aku senang bermandi hujan. Berlari dan menari di tengahnya dan menengadah sambil memejam. Terasa bulir-bulir menjatuhi muka lalu perlahan menggelosor ke sela kaos dan celana dalam. Dingin. Satu-satunya cara untuk tetap hangat adalah dengan terus bergerak. Tertawa. Berbecek-becek menyiprat-cipratkan lumpur ke sekeliling. Hingga akhirnya mama memanggil dan menyuruhku mandi. Oh, tidak perlu air panas. Satu lagi yang menjadi kesukaanku. Setelah berhujan-hujan, air bak mandi pasti terasa hangat. Lalu kuguyur tubuh kecilku banyak-banyak.

Kebiasaanku menyambut hujan berubah saat remaja. Kini aku lebih suka menunggunya di teras rumah. Menunggu hujan angin yang kemudian menyapukan butir-butir air lembut ke wajahku. Lalu aku akan memejam, merasakan bajuku yang mulai lembab. Kemudian kuyup. Lalu kembali aku mandi dan menggelung di dalam selimut.

Satu dekade kemudian, aku lebih suka menyambut hujan dengan seseorang. Berdansa di tengahnya sambil mendengarkan musik kecil dari benang-benang putih yang merasuki telinga. Lalu aku akan mengalungkan tanganku ke lehernya dan menunggunya menciumku. Atau, aku menciumnya. Tak masalah.

Stop. Tidak pernah kejadian.

Pertama, karena tidak ada yang rela iPodnya kehujanan.

Ke dua, karena malu dilihat orang.

Ke tiga, takut ketagihan.

Heran betapa cepat aku menua. Karena kali ini, di usia ini, di malam ini, di detik ini, yang aku inginkan di saat hujan malam ini adalah bercerita. Kepada mereka, mahluk-mahluk kecil yang tak berdosa. Yang akan bergelung, berpasang-pasang kaki saling menumpang dan menindih dalam satu selimut besar bermotif kotak-kotak dan terbuat dari kain flannel. Lalu aku bercerita, tentang aku, tentang kakek nenek mereka, tentang kamu, tentang mereka, tentang mengapa kita semua di sini. Tentang apa saja.

Itu yang kuinginkan untuk hujan malam ini.

Have faith

Whoever found the phrase "as easy as 1, 2, 3 or a, b, c"... he or she is wrong.

Teaching how to write, to read and counting, are not easy. Let alone of the stress when we know other kids in her / his age, already read aloud. But don't ever let them put you in despair. Have a faith, that every kid has their own phase.

It took me a big fight with my conservative environment who could not stop asking my son "You are five, can you read yet?" or "Can you count to a hundred?" or "One plus one equals to?"

My son being my son, he only shrug his shoulder and leave.

My argument those days would be "When he starts reading is not important, what important is what his readings are."

Well, you can guess that my argument was not enough.

It is the era of child oriented learning based. If we take a mirror and see our reflection, seriously, do you feel satisfied with the way you brought up? the way you learn things at school? do you realize their future would be way harder than us? Do you realize our kids will live in a world we don't know? And if we, as parents, don't know how the world would be in the future, don't you think the best  we can do now is to guide our kids to know herself? Know her potential, limitation and what her wants. 

The next question would be "Then why would you push her to learn she is not ready yet?"

Up to this moment, I am still amazed of how kid's brain works. They absorb almost everything and suddenly they connect them altogether one day. Without you even realized it.

That suddenly, they become bilingual.

That suddenly, they do the addition.

That suddenly, they drew you a comic.

That suddenly, they give you a letter with your name on it.

Don't ever lose the faith that kids have their own phase.

Instead of you pushing them do things you or the environment wish him to do,

you'd better get shape; so you will be ready at anytime.

Sneakily picked up a book. Enid Blyton's today

Picked The Giving Tree before bed

And suddenly, mommy got lots of love letters

The book of fourteenth

Quite draggy, but it was 

getting interesting after having it half read.

"What makes life is hell and hell is hellish, is expectation." 

- Maddy Spencer, 13 y.o, the hell newbie -

Nighttime

The night is so calm. I can only hear the screeching sound of grasshoppers and my rabbit nibbling her last carrot. I am sitting in the backyard, underneath the big mango tree that is delivering its last batch harvest for the year. From in between its branches, I can peep the moon in a funny shape. Beaming its light in the highly polluted vague sky of the city.

Nighttime is magical. It is when all the toys in Nutcracker came alive. It is when Cinderella’s golden carriage turned into pumpkin. It is when people dancing or running in their dreams. The night has its own magical language to unveil what was hidden during the sun.

I am not a fan boy of zombie. Or Dracula. Or vampires. I am a fan boy of the moon. I am amazed of her devotion in watching people from above. She painted people’s character on the endless landscape of night sky. She goes everywhere we go. She is such a beauty.

I love nighttime. For me, nighttime is the best time to write. Just like tonight. My fingers are dancing on the keyboard and are trying to avoid the cursor to move backward. It has been a while since I last wrote. Not because I don’t have things to ponder, in contrary, there are too much things going on inside me. You know, those come and go thoughts that leave traces you cannot erase.

I am thinking about time. How it flies when we look at our children. How we want to get back when we see our parents. How it rolls up when we see people in our shoes and we will be on theirs the next time we never know. How it can be so expensive yet we need to chunk the time and give it to different occasion everyday (specially for a working mom). How we wish the time could wait. How we wish the time could forgive rather than forget.

Nighttime, and the clock busily ticking; knitting codes of what would be offered by daytime.

She makes me laugh

Me:
Jadi ya ... Titan udah punya pacar belum?

Titan:
Dimana? di sekolah yang sekarang?

Me:
Iya.

Titan:
Kalau di sekolah yang sekarang, enggak ada. Di sekolah dulu tuh ada.

Me:
Siapa?

Titan:
Ada, namanya Putri Yogi.

Me:
O, ya? Ah, bunda pernah denger sih ... masih ya sama yang itu? Emang kenapa sih suka banget sama Putri Yogi?

Titan:
She's funny bunda. She makes me laugh.

Me:
kok bisa?

Titan:
Iya. Abis Putri kalo pake bedak tuh belepotan mukanya. Jadi lucu.

Me:
Oalaaaah

Titan:
Iya, jadinya Titan ketawa kalo ngeliat. Kalau di sekolah yang sekarang, engga ada yang belepotan bedaknya, jadi enggak ada yang bikin Titan ketawa.

Me:
*Dalam hati* ... ya ampun ... jadi semua orang tuh sama yah. Udah fitrah kalau kita pengen pendamping yang bikin kita bahagia. Makasih ya Titan udah ngajarin Bunda :)

Mango Float

For another potluck party in the office.

And like any other potluck I attended in my previous office, 

mango float is my signature. 

Peep the recipe here

Black Hole

Don't let the name fool you. Black hole is anything but the empty space. 

It is a super-massive star that goes off, loses its gravity and falls to the end of nowhere. 

It sucks everything around it. 

It is pitch black, not ever a light can get through. 

It wiped off its trace, then it is gone.

Have you ever feel being like the dead star?

On a one fine day, you suddenly lost your gravity and fall to the deepest ground. 

Being sucked and sucks everything around you. 

So deep you will lost your breath and falls deeper and deeper and deeper.

You go down under to the bottomless you don't know where you are, what to do, what to feel.

Fading out.

To me, black hole comes in a form of a test pack.

A letter to you

I named you Malicca. Means you are the greatest gift ever from the Mightiest of all, Allah.
I named you Titan, one of 53 Saturn's moon and the largest. The only thing in the Milky Way that has atmosphere, beside earth. You are the earth in its primordial days, freezed and awaiting to form.
In Orphic ways, you are the ancestor of the human race. Zeus struck you with lightning and you burnt to ashes. From the ashes, a man was formed.

In a simpler way, you are a hope. From the Almighty.

This is my first letter to you, and might be not the only one. This is my first letter after you sent me so many many letters you slipped underneath my door. Your letters with your drawing inside them. With so many heart shapes, your name and my name.

In this letter, I want to say you thanks. For everything. For every little power you gave me. For every reasons you made for me to keep going and keep dreaming. When the doctor said you were impossible to happen because of your tiny 14mm egg source, you were born with 3,7 kilograms. You are my strength, you are the impossible that possibly happened in my life.

In this letter, I want you to know how much I love you. I love your questions, I love your cry, I love your " I want to be alone" thingy then you closed your door, I love your every nags, I love your witty excuses, I love the way you dance, I love your singing that never stops unless you sleep, I love your words every night "Good nite Bunda, tomorrow will be a better day" which I don't know where you got it from. I love how you take care of me real good. I love everything about you. Simply because I am your mom.

I see you everyday and I watch you grow. But one thing for you to know, that I am not going to be here forever; no matter how much we want to. Someday you will be bigger and find no one on your side. Someday you will wake up on the wrong side of the bed and regret every single turn you made.

When those happens, please remember what I am saying to you now ...

"When that day come, be aware that you are not alone. You have yourself and The Mightiest power with you. The Mightiest who created you like I told you above. The Almighty who turned the impossible possible. You got Allah and you got my pray.
You may not lose yourself, no matter how you lost your way. 
And as long as you have the courage to stop and the power to start, you will be okay."

I love you always, Malicca. Always.
Bunda.

A letter to Malicca

I named you Malicca. Means you are the greatest gift ever from the Mightiest of all, Allah.
I named you Titan, one of 53 Saturn's moon and the largest. The only thing in the Milky Way that has atmosphere, beside earth. You are the earth in its primordial days, freezed and awaiting to form.
In Orphic ways, you are the ancestor of the human race. Zeus struck you with lightning and you burnt to ashes. From the ashes, a man was formed.

In a simpler way, you are a hope. From the Almighty.

This is my first letter to you, and might be not the only one. This is my first letter after you sent me so many many letters you slipped underneath my door. Your letters with your drawing inside them. With so many heart shapes, your name and my name.

In this letter, I want to say you thanks. For everything. For every little power you gave me. For every reasons you made for me to keep going and keep dreaming. When the doctor said you were impossible to happen because of your tiny 14mm egg source, you were born with 3,7 kilograms. You are my strength, you are the impossible that possibly happened in my life.

In this letter, I want you to know how much I love you. I love your questions, I love your cry, I love your " I want to be alone" thingy then you closed your door, I love your every nags, I love your witty excuses, I love the way you dance, I love your singing that never stops unless you sleep, I love your words every night "Good nite Bunda, tomorrow will be a better day" which I don't know where you got it from. I love how you take care of me real good. I love everything about you. Simply because I am your mom.

I see you everyday and I watch you grow. But one thing for you to know, that I am not going to be here forever; no matter how much we want to. Someday you will be bigger and find no one on your side. Someday you will wake up on the wrong side of the bed and regret every single turn you made.

When those happens, please remember what I am saying to you now ...

"When that day come, be aware that you are not alone. You have yourself and The Mightiest power with you. The Mightiest who created you like I told you above. The Almighty who turned the impossible possible. You got Allah and you got my pray."

You may not lose yourself, no matter how you lost your way. And as long as you have the courage to start and the power to stop, you will be okay.

I love you always, Malicca. Always.
Bunda.

Angel

T:
Bunda, Titan pengen punya bidadari

M:
You do have them. They called angels. They are the ones who love you and protect you.

T:
Protect me from bad people, bunda?

M:
Yes, they are.

T:
Oh, I know.

M:
What?

T:
You are my angel, Bunda. You love me and protect me from bad people. I love you!

M:
*teary eyes*

A before-dinner conversation between me and my 5 years old satellite 

Heikal told me,

as long as you have the courage to start,

as long as you have the power to stop, 

all will be ok.

Heikal told me,

as long as you have the courage to start,

as long as you have the power to stop, 

all will be ok.

To Malicca, about quitting my job

Dear Malicca,
There was once you asked me this question.
"Bunda, kapan sih bunda berhenti bekerja?"

Hmm, it took me a while until I finally answered you.

Baby,
I am working for a reason. Reasons, to be exact.
I am working for you, that is my most and top priority. For my parents, and for me.
I want to give you the best education I can afford.
And in this country, good education costs a lot of money.
And when I am mentioning good education, means not only the system but also the mindset they have to raise children.

I want to take you travel the world.
I want you to see many things, learnt from various source and meet people.
And travel, is not free.

I want to help my parents.
They are old, they are pension, I want to take care of them.
Pay their bills, find them a good maid, i want to give them the best doctor when they got sick one day.
And they are not free.

And there are so many other things I want to do.
I want to paint our house, build a garden and cook the finest foods,
... and they cost money.

You nodded as if you understood. Well, I really hope you did because you then said this

"I like my school, Bunda. I like going to school."

I smiled.
My dear satellite, there is nothing more I could be happier for, than to know how you love your school.
We had been in that situation when getting to school was very stressful for me and you.
When you cried, when you never told me a single story about your school or friends, I could even remember your face as we hit the gate. You looked so stressful.

Now knowing you loved your school ... I am so happy.
You deserve the best, my satellite.
Yes, you do.

That's why I am working.
That's my answer.

Nenek Cantik

T:
Bunda, look!

B:
I cannot, I am driving. Ada apa sih emangnya?

T:
Itu, tadi ada nenek-nenek pake baju pink.
Rambutnya putih. Putiiih semua.
Tapi masih cantik, Nda!
Keren, deh!

B:
O, ya? Wah, kok bisa ya nenek-nenek udah tua tapi masih cantik?

T:
Sulap kali, Nda!


- Malicca umur 5 tahun 5 bulan, Bunda umur 33 tahun 6 bulan, dalam perjalanan pagi menuju sekolah -

Sunday left-overs

Enjoying my Sunday, dengan sisaan stroberi dan Divortiare.

Nice cheeky book :) 

I am a proud mom

Dear Malicca,

One night you were being a little jerk, seriously. You were like a whirlwind.
You acted harsh to me and Nini,
you were being defensive and said no to most of the things I told you.

You were not like what you usually were. You were different that night.
I wonder what happened. Then I asked you to talk.
Amazingly, you understood what I meant. "Let's talk." I have said.
And we went in to Nini's bed room and we started to talk.

I always amazed with your skill in describing your feelings.
You were only five, but I respected how honest you were about your feelings.

Then you told me scene by scene about how upset you were when your friends did not reckon what you said to them. Yes, it was Bagas the kid next to our house.
You were playing with him when you told him not to hurt himself by playing underneath a truck.
Yes, a truck. But he didn't listen. Then you got upset.
Then you went off, but deep inside you still wanted to play with him.
But you were pissed off.

Malicca, you did the right thing by telling your friend what you think was right.
You did the right thing by warning a friend of a danger he was facing in.
But that's it. That's what you can do as a friend, to remind your friends.
Either they take it or not, its their call.

One other thing is, if you want people to listen to you; listen to them first.
That's the rule of this universe. When you do good deeds, they'll come back to you somehow.
Some people call it 'What goes around, comes around.'

But you know what, despite of the things you told me,
I am so proud of you.

You had the courage to remind your friend.
You said what you want to say.
You had the courage to be honest with your self, to me, by telling what you are feeling at that moment in Nini's bed room.

You are only five, but you can do a grown up might not able to do.

:)

The book of eleventh

I am gladly involved in Read 12 books 2012 with two of my friends @ishtarnayyara and @sarskylicious . I started it late, but I managed to get it finished by October and keep reading. Cause if I don't, I am afraid I might stop reading for another hundred years and it will be even harder to drag my eyes on the lines again.

'Malaikat Jatuh' by Clara Ng was my book of eleventh, and yes; it was the highlight of this project.
I bought the book in 2009 (yes, that long!) and I let it sit in dust for more than 2 years (like always... zzzz... zZzzz ).

The book was all about mother's love at its best angle, when mother can be so soft and tender yet can be grim and vicious as well. It remains me of myself as a mother and I could not hold my tears when I read its first and last story. The feeling when I read its last page was the same when I read Larung by Ayu Utami. I felt like gasping for minutes and wished there were at least another page to read saying that the story did not end like the way it ended.

Malaikat Jatuh was not the only one. Children books by Shel Silverstain were also the best, and my pop novel best category goes to Antologi Rasa that I finished in only 2 days.

These are my list of Reading 12 books in 2012 project

1. The Giving Tree

2. The Missing Piece meets the big O

3. Don't bump the glump

4. The Glass Castle 

5. How Obelix fell into the magic potion when he was a little boy 

6. Brida 

7. Lemony's Snicket The Miserable Mill 

8. Lemony's Snicket The Austere Academy

9. Lemony's Snicket The Ersatz Elevator 

10. Lemony's Snicket The Vile Village

11. Malaikat Jatuh

12. Antologi Rasa

Harga diri lelaki

Hari ini panas banget. Matahari lagi sale besar-besaran rupanya. AC udah pol gini, masih aja berasa panasnya menyengat di muka. Mana macet pula. Pipi kanan jadi konstan kena paparan sinar matahari, cocok jadi alas panggangan roti.

Tanganku lurus memegang stir. Ngebayangin rasanya nyetir mobil impian yang nangkring di sebelah. Volvo XC70 tahun 2008 * bukan merk sebenarnya *. Blah, tuh mobil udah 4 tahun yang lalu launching, masih aja belom kebeli-beli sampe sekarang.

Tapi inilah salah satu hiburanku kalau terhadang macet. Liat kiri-kanan memperhatikan mobil-mobil impian yang lucu. Kadang ternganga-nganga sendiri, lebih seringnya sih senyum-senyum sambil berkata dalam hati “Lucu juga ternyata si mobil itu. Ganti itu aja apa ya… ah tapi sayang ah” – kemudian hening dan tidak ada suatu tindak lanjut apapun. Klasik.

Tiba-tiba mataku terpaku pada sebuah sticker di Kopaja. Nah, ini juga salah satu hiburanku nih. Maklum, secara kerjaan jadi copywriter ya Cyin… wajib hukumnya mencerna sticker-sticker penuh hiburan yang ditempel di kaca belakang Kopaja atau Metromini.

“Harga diri lelaki terletak pada pekerjaannya.” Itu kata sticker si Kopaja.

Jleb jleb jleb, ketusuk kata-kata itu lebih menyakitkan daripada ketusuk pisau beneran – asal jangan ketusuk sampe mati ya.

Mau enggak mau, setiap orang di permukaan bumi ini memang harus bekerja. Ya iyalah, itu udah fitrahnya. Anak burung aja tau diri, bahwa ibunya enggak akan nyuapin dia terus. Suatu hari nanti dia harus usaha menyambung hidup sendiri.

Tinggal di Jakarta, sebenarnya sudah merupakan kelebihan tersendiri. Coba, apa sih yang enggak laku dijual di kota ini? Mulai dari jualan aneka patung (terdiri dari patung kuda, patung Yesus dan abjad Hijaiyah berlafalkan Allah) yang dijual di lampu-lampu merah, keripik singkong dengan kadar MSG tingkat dewa yang tetap aja lulus badan POM, jualan cireng atau cilok yang bermodalkan sagu, sasa dan saos pewarna, sampe jualan ide abstrak.

Jadi, sticker itu memang benar adanya. Alasan apa lagi yang bikin laki-laki enggak bekerja? Salah siapa, kalau enggak ada sesuatu pun dari diri ini yang bisa dijual? Kalah sama cilok, lu!

Kembali ke harga diri, … mungkin bagi sebagian orang harga diri itu terletak dari keteguhannya untuk tidak mau bekerja dibawah perintah orang lain. Well, … kalau terlahir jadi anaknya Bakri * bukan nama sebenarnya * sih monggo ya. Tapi aku yakin, seorang Anindya Bakri pun * bukan nama sebenarnya * enggak gini-gini amat. Tapi justru seringnya, manusia-manusia seperti ini justru berawal dari mimpi dan hanya mimpi tanpa tahu bagaimana mewujudkannya dan bagaimana mengukur rasio kemampuan dan keberhasilan.

Istilah kerennya sih, “Enggak ngaca, cyin.”

Mau single atau berkeluarga, status pengangguran terselubung ini emang nggak keren. It is just wrong in many levels. Hanya saja, kalau udah berkeluarga, efek kehancurannya memang lebih dahsyat.

Anehnya, mereka-mereka ini suka merasa enggak ada yang salah. You know why? Karena mereka selalu punya alasan gini: “Aku kerja kok. Cuma ya memang kliennya enggak selalu ada.” Atau “Aku self-employed, I work anytime or anywhere I want.”

Yea rite, … denial is not the only river in Egypt – dikutip dari Antologi Rasa.

Jadi gimana dong?

Ya enggak gimana-gimana.  Berdoa aja supaya lelaki-lelaki itu sadar bahwa mereka salah jalan. Berdoa aja supaya mereka dapat hidayah dan orang yang terkorbankan diberi kesabaran dan kelapangan dada menerima kenyataan bahwa mereka hanyalah korban. Bahkan anak-anak mereka, semua jadi korban. Kita mau ngomong apa sama orang-orang yang tega mengorbankan anak sendiri? Ngomong sampe kejang juga gak akan bikin mereka berubah.

Tiba-tiba kusadari dadaku berdebar-debar menahan emosi. Stiker itu menusuk hati banget. Tak sadar tanganku segera menyambar ponsel di dashboard dan otomatis menekan sebuah nomor.

Ah, ada suara lelakiku di ujung sana yang selalu berhasil membawaku menapak bumi dan menghentikan semua kinerja hamster-hamster di kepala.

“Tin tiiiiiiiiiiin!” Kata suara dari mobil belakang.