Do you know?

Do you know how it feel?
When your heart pounding hard, hoping that the time is right.

Do you know how it feel?
When you hold your breath, try to collect all guts you have.

Do you know how it feel?
When you're listening and ignoring your heart, ... you just can't decide.

Do you know how it feel?
Having a great expectation is as bad as you'd never hope.

Do you know how it feel?
To be angry.

Do you know how it feel?
To lost your faith.

Do you know how it feel?
To hopelessly hope.

Do you know how it feel?
To question love.

Do you know how it feel?
To blame.

Do you know how it feel?
To give everything. Then hope for one thing.

Do you know how it feel?
To envy.

Do you know how it feel?
When coldness is so near.

Do you know how it feel?
Here, to be alone.

Do you know how it feel?
To wait something you couldn't see.



(Dedicated to all pregnancy test packs, who become my best friend.)

Pumpy

jejakkan aku tanah

seberangkan aku laut

jelajahi aku sang dirga

bawa aku pergi

menyongsong matahari




September 15, 2005

Numb

Monday morning, 15 November 2005

About n hour ago. Nine something in the morning.
I arrived at the office. I smelt the musty, moldy, sweaty scent.
I log on to the network. I forgot to fill in the time sheet last Friday.
I filled it in. I made up things. 12 hours working for meeting and brainstorming.
I tried to log in again. I checked out mails. I checked out Friendster (I don’t care about it anymore). I checked my blog. I checked my Multiply (I don’t care about it too).

15 minutes after I arrived.
I saw Sheilla. I called her. I asked her where she had had lost her cell phone (I knew it, for sure. I just want her to come by). And she did. She told me the story. Again. Then I told her about Astrid, our friend who lost her baby. I asked her about my idea for print ad. She didn’t get it. Oh, shit. Sheilla gone away.

2 minutes after that.
Our secretary comes in. For the first time after the almost 2 weeks holiday.
I gave her fake smile. I gave her a fake hugely hug.

Some minutes later.
Someone brings an original DVD Charlie & The Chocolate Factory. He put it next to my desk. He asked me about the Wizard Of Oz I craved for years, whether I wanted to buy it or not? I smiled. Fake.

18 minutes after that again.
I look up. Empty. And I’m feeling empty too. Suddenly I’m feeling so numb. I couldn't feel. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t express.

Now is ten twenty.
My dear award winning partner comes. Talking in high spirit about new directors at New Zealand. About she finally found the one who shot award winning TVC ‘Toys’ for Peugeot 407. About an article about new directors she would like me to print it out.

I smiled fake too.

Sorry, I’m not in the mood today.