Showing posts with label #MomToSon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #MomToSon. Show all posts

sorry.

dear titan, 

one day when you were 9 years old, i found this letter at the office. 
you put it in between my laptop. 
i startled. 
i felt ... sad. 

if only you knew, 
every mothers in the whole wide world will always forgive their children. 
so that they won't have to ask forgiveness again and again. 
so that they won't have to kneeled-down just to ask one. 

as much as mothers will want you to learn from your mistakes, 
we don't really want you to make ones. 
because your mistake means our failure in raising you. 

but all in all, 
i am proud of you. 
it is not easy to ask forgiveness.
but i somehow know, 
your forever-child-heart will make you one of the most courageous man alive. 

love you, 
you know i always do. 




selamat datang kelas tiga!

enggak terasa si bocah udah naik ke kelas tiga. selama liburan kemarin, iya liburan yang 6 minggu itu, kita bikin kesepakatan-kesepakatan baru. quite big leaps, i guess.

issue pertama adalah matematika. subject dimana titan dan beberapa temennya harus dapat remedial untuk pelajaran yang satu ini. tahun kemarin titan memang dapet guru yang agak akademis banget. tapi untungnya juga baik hati banget yang mau ngasih kelas tambahan tanpa pungutan biaya. suka bagi makanan pula. tahun ini, belum tentu dapat guru yang sama sementara kebutuhan mempertajam logika matematika masih sama. so, ... kesepakatan pertama: ikut kumon.

dulu, suka ngetawain orang tua yang ambisius banget masukin anak-anaknya ke kumon. bayangan saya, mereka pengen banget punya anak-anak yang jago berhitung di luar kepala. tambah-tambahan, kali-kalian, memecah desimal dan ahli bilangan pecahan.

kasihan anaknya. pikir saya selama ini.

tapi hari ini. iya, hari ini. akhirnya saya mendaftarkan titan ke kumon *sound efek geledek di udara*
tentunya, sekali lagi, dengan persetujuan si anak. kumon ini rela diambil titan karena selain memang butuh tapi dia juga minta kumonnya diseimbangkan dengan ikutan art class with hadiprana di sekolah. after a deep thought yang juga diiringi dengan penghitungan mendalam soal dompet, ... "yaaa okelah." kata saya.

sebenernya udah lama saya 'beriklan' tentang les matematika ala jepang ini. tapi baru kali ini iklan saya mau dicoba. iya, dicoba. belum tentu jadi loyal customer. padahal ibunya dua belas tahun di dunia iklan *sound efek penonton ketawa*

saya selalu beranggapan bahwa yang namanya les itu harusnya untuk mempertajam apa yang sudah bagus. dalam hal ini, kemampuan bahasa inggris titan jauh lebih baik daripada kemampuan matematikanya. tapi sebaliknya, saya rasa ini juga momen yang tepat untuk mendorong kemampuan matematikanya itu karena rupanya titan juga mulai merasakan kebutuhan untuk perform lebih baik di bidang matematika. keputusan saya makin kuat saat saya ajak dia untuk placement test. saat gurunya bertanya "kenapa baru kumon sekarang?" titan menjawab "karena titan baru siap sekarang."

lega banget dengernya. dia mengerti kendala dia selama ini, mengerti perasaan dia terhadap matematika dan berani mengambil keputusan hari ini.

trus, apa alasan saya mengambil langkah mainstream ini?

sebenernya jawabannya simpel. supaya titan disiplin berlatih. karena matematika itu masalah latihan, kok. dan disiplin adalah issue kita selama ini. kadang saya berpendapat sekolahnya terlalu loose, di satu sisi anak-anak terlalu dibebaskan untuk hal yang harusnya bisa didisiplinkan. dan kalau ibunya yang bertindak untuk melatih dia belajar matematika, selain anaknya juga suka kabur-kaburan ibunya juga (seringnya) capek ngejar-ngejar. akhirnya situasi jadi memanas, ibu jadi kesal anak pun tegang. walhasil pembelajaran jadi percuma. disitulah saya mulai berpikir bahwa saya dan titan butuh pihak lain yang memang expert di bidangnya.

sometimes a mother doesn't have to be everything.

lagian, setelah saya pikir-pikir, kumon juga ada bagusnya. bukan masalah kontennya. tapi sistemnya. enggak ada klasifikasi kelas dan bukan dengan metode guru menjelaskan di papan tulis, tapi ngerjain masing-masing level sesuai kemampuan masing-masing. belajar fokus karena harus mengerjakan sesuai tenggat waktu. enggak perlu menghafal, tapi karena sering melihat angkanya dan bolak-balik dikasih hal yang sama; pasti ada yang nempel. alah bisa karena biasa.

untuk art class, titan masih bingung mau ikut acrylic painting atau drawing with crayon. awalnya dia mau ikutan crayon, karena menurutnya gambarnya pengen lebih bagus lagi dan lebih variatif lagi topiknya. sementara, kalau melukis kan sering dilakukan di rumah. tapi entah kenapa hari ini tiba-tiba dia pengen gabung melukis acrylic.

issue berikutnya adalah physical education. lucu deh, dengan gayanya dia bercerita bahwa dia punya issue berat dengan pelajaran yang satu ini. "titan tuh bermasalah banget sama PE. kalau lari, enggak bisa bener larinya karena sepatunya kendor. harus dibetulin terus tapi strapnya enggak bisa kenceng." saya senyum-senyum. kesempatan yang baik untuk 'jualan' berlatih mengikat.
"kalau begitu, sudah waktunya titan pakai sepatu sport yang diikat. karena kalau diikat itu pasti lebih kencang. coba, kalau titan ice skating enggak ada kan sepatu yang pake velcro strap? semuanya diiket. nah, itu tuh supaya kenceng. tahun ini kita beli sepatu yang proper ya, dan titan musti belajar ngiket tali sepatu sendiri." lalu titan mengangguk yakin. dan ternyata, hanya dalam semalam dia sudah bisa menguasai cara mengikat tali sepatu sendiri. dia seneng banget! saya juga sih.

BIG YEAY banget untuk mengawali tahun ajaran baru kali ini:
bisa ngiket tali sepatu sendiri dan memutuskan untuk les kumon.

oh noooooo, tetiba bundanya mellow. anakku udah gede.

selamat datang kelas tiga! bismillah.







About Us

to titan and la luna.

i want to tell you a little story about the love bubu and I have. neither the sweetest nor the coolest love tale you will ever known, but i hope it can give you two a little up when you are feeling down.

if ever someone asked me, your mom, how much i love your bubu; i would say ... i do. though i found it hard to express my love for him, but i do. though i found it hard to remember when i have thought of him, but i still do. and i know he loves me too.

our love does not come in a form of fancy dinner or having a wefie in instagram. our love does not go through a journey in the background of a beautiful landscape. our love does not told in a long scripted messages through whatsapp or a bombastic 'nocturnal' activity. neither a fancy birthday gifts, surprise parties, big feasts, "have a nice day or lunch or dinner or meeting" texts.

our love just come in a more humble and reachable way. like late-at-night-wake-ups to bring a glass of water when I or him caught a cough. comes in an always-alert sleeping and woken up just to feel one of us is moving though it was just a little bit. comes in an acceptance of the surround snores. comes in a lunch box he brings to work everyday and eats whatever inside. comes in a working so hard he hardly cut his nails and I did it for him when he was asleep.

boring as it may sound, but if you two ever experience this feelings; you two will know how comforting it is. though sometimes i think bubu does not need a wife. he cooks, he plants, he repairs, he builds, he works, he can take care of himself, and these make me learn a lot from him.

when you know you are loved by someone who can enjoy life by himself, you know you can live with him and love life together. 



The Best



"are you happy to have me as your mom?"

"yes, I am."


"have you ever think of a better mom? 

and you wish her to be your mom? 

"no, you are the best mom."


"you are the best kid also. 

you and la luna are my precious."



we kissed and went to bed. 







What I should be drinking more often



"Bunda, 
I think you should drink 
more low fat milk" 



Malicca Titan, 7 tahun 9 bulan
sambil elus-elus perut bundanya. 

Bunda, kenapa orang masuk penjara?

Me and my son on a fine morning, earlier back then.



Malicca:
Nda, kenapa orang masuk penjara?

Me:
Hmmm, ... mau jawaban jujur atau mau jawaban bener?

Malicca:
Apa bedanya?

Me:
Pilih dulu, dong.

Malicca:
Apa aja tadi pilihannya?

Me:
Mau tau jawaban bener, atau jawaban jujur?

Malicca:
Hmmm ... yang bener apa?

Me:
Jawaban benernya, orang masuk penjara karena dia berbuat salah atau melanggar hukum.

Malicca:
Kalau jawaban jujur?

Me:
Jawaban benar itu, ya benar.
Jawaban yang jujur itu, jawaban asli sesuai fakta. Yang benar-benar terjadi.
Enggak selalu benar, sih.

Jawaban jujur tentang kenapa orang masuk penjara adalah,
1. Karena dia berbuat salah, ... DAN ketahuan.
2. Orang masuk penjara karena, ... dia enggak bisa membuktikan bahwa dia benar.

Malicca: diam.

Me (dalam hati):
I know, son.
You might not understand me.
But I know you will, someday.


Who actually the rich people



Malicca few days ago. 
He woke up and told me a story about his dreams.


T: nda, titan mimpi aneh deh. Masa titan mimpi ada di kamar mandi, pipis, tapi atapnya bolong -bolong gitu. Kaya rumah orang miskin.

Me: eh, apa itu orang miskin?

T: orang yang enggak punya uang, jadi dia engga bisa betulin atap rumahnya kalo di mimpi titan.

Me: hey, enggak gitu ah sayang. Do you know, ... the poor people you mentioned just now; is the richest man however.

T: lho, kenapa?

Me: coba titan perhatiin. Kalau mereka pergi, mereka selalu bawa bekal makanan atau minuman. Dan kalau orang minta, pasti mereka kasih. Coba kalau orang kaya, mereka ngga bawa bekal minum karena mereka pikir mereka bisa beli. Saat terpaksa engga ada yang jual, akhirnya mereka minta juga.
Terus, orang miskin yang kamu bilang tadi, naiknya kendaraan umum. Semua orang boleh naik selama space-nya masih ada. Tapi orang kaya yang menurut kamu  punya uang, mereka naik mobil sendiri dan orang lain engga boleh ikut.

T: iya juga ya.

Me: nah, makanya. Enggak baik bilang orang kaya atau orang miskin. Kaya itu, artinya memiliki sesuatu dalam jumlah banyak. Nah, kita semuanya orang kaya. Ada yang kaya harta dan ada juga yang kaya hati. Ada juga yang kaya pengetahuan, senangnya bagi-bagi ilmu karena ilmunya dia ada banyaaaaaaaak.
Nah, kalau bunda dari dulu diajarinnya sama aki dan nini, kalau ada orang yang minta dan kebetulan kita punya apa yang dia minta; ya dikasih aja. Karena, orang enggak akan minta kalau enggak terpaksa. Tapi, kalau memberi, jangan lupa sisakan untuk diri sendiri.
Kalau Titan mau jadi orang yang mana?

T: kan titan udah pernah bilang, i want to be a rich man with and a good man.

Me: nice choice!
untuk ibu rumah tangga yang sendirian ngurus dua anak dan rumah (dan saya yakin bukan cuma saya aja yang mengalami ini), menunaikan perjanjian ke dokter bukanlah perkara mudah. pertama, meluangkan waktu untuk riset mencari dokter yang sesuai kata hati dan bisa diterima logika. ke dua, mengatur jadwal yang sesuai dengan aktivitas ibu, aktivitas rutin balita dan tentunya aktivitas si kakak; yang mana dialah yang harus bertemu dengan dokter matanya untuk cek up.

saya enggak sebegitu rajinnya setiap tahun cek mata anak-anak, tapi buat titan; sejak lahir ini sudah yang ke tiga kalinya ke dokter mata. sebelumnya karena mata bintitan dan belekan terus, nah kali ini memang sengaja diniatin cek up karena kekhawatiran saya atas durasi main minecraftnya akhir-akhir ini. saya memang paling parno kalau sudah berurusan dengan mata. pernah saya ke dokter mata hanya karena kelilipan yang sudah seminggu lebih enggak kelar-kelar. ternyata benar, kelilipan serbuk entah apa yang amit-amit kecilnya dan karena saya kucek dan rendam pakai boorwater berhari-hari, malah kornea yang tergores dan luka. setelah itu, ... that's it. gak ada lagi main-main soal mata apalagi mata anak-anak. saat saya ragu, mending saya angkut ke dokter.

akhirnya jadwal pun disetujui. hari senin, jam 4 sore. habis sekolah langsung cus ke rumah sakit. sengaja saya kosongkan aktivitas di jam 3 - 7 buat saya dan anak-anak. saya siapkan semua yang dibutuhkan di jam-jam tersebut sejak pagi dan memundurkan jam tidur dan makan siang la luna supaya jam 3 - 4 dia udah fully loaded perut dan matanya. buat antisipasi, saya juga berbekal makan malam buat titan dan luna. well, bukannya pelit. tapi, knowing nih anak dua termasuk golongan picky eater dan enggak punya luxurious time untuk mampir-mampir ke restoran karena yakin banget harus segera pulang mengingat besok masih hari sekolah dan bocah kecil musti bobo.

sebelumnya, saya mau bilang terima kasih pada mereka yang menemukan carseat. duduk anteng di belakang sambil nonton, saya dan laluna jemput kakak titan ke sekolah dan cus langsung ke jakarta eye center di bilangan kedoya; gedung baru yang belum pernah saya kunjungi sejak mereka pindah dari jalan panjang.

sejak awal saya mendaftar  sampai saya dapat sms reminder sehari sebelum hari H sampai pak satpam yang sangat membantu mendorongkan stroller dan mengambilkan kartu antrian, saya langsung sreg dengan pelayanan di rumah sakit ini.

setelah proses administrasi dan mengganti kartu-kartu yang hilang karena sudah lama enggak cek up, akhirnya kita melaju ke lantai 4, lantai khusus anak-anak. sampai sana sudah ada mbak yang menjemput di lift dan membantu saya membawa semua kerepotan. tiga jam penantian, enggak terasa karena anak-anak dimanja dengan edutoys yang ada di sana. la luna senang sekali, dan saat itulah baru saya tersadar ternyata dia sudah bisa main duplo dan sudah mulai butuh kegiatan motorik kasar yang lebih menantang dibanding sekedar main bola dan lari-lari di rumput.

titan pun dipanggil untuk melakukan serangkaian tes. ternyata kali ini dia udah enggak norak lagi melihat gambar balon udara di monitor komputer dan bisa duduk lebih tenang dibanding saat tes mata di optik beberapa waktu lalu. cuma norak waktu tes otot mata aja, yang tiba-tiba matanya ditiup angin dan dia segera protes "Itu mataku ditempel kancing kaya coraline ya, Bunda?" habis itu tes jarak baca.

setelah ketiga tes tersebut, kirain udah bakalan cepet-cepet dipanggil. ternyata, kita baru dipanggil 2 jam kemudian. melihat anak-anak asyik main dan ruang menyusui udah kaya kamar sendiri, saya anteng-anteng aja. saya paling seneng kalau tahu ada dokter anak yang telaten memeriksa pasiennya dan mau berlama-lama melayani pertanyaan-pertanyaan bodoh dari ibu bapaknya. lagian, udah terbiasa juga sama dokter alerginya titan yang sekali melayani pasien bisa 20 - 40 menit sendiri.

akhirnya titan dipanggil. ada beberapa pemeriksaan lagi di dalam. dokternya juga asyik, bisa menggali titan kenapa harus berlama-lama di depan komputer saat main minecraft dan menjelaskan apa akibatnya bagi mata. menyimpulkan bahwa jatah jadi jauh berkurang: nonton tv 1 jam sehari (which, nggak pernah nonton tv juga sih dia), main minecraft 1 jam seminggu dan makan sayur brokoli, bayam, wortel, tomat is a must. nah, kalau dokternya yang ngomong, baru deh ni anak umur 7 tahun mau nurut.

terus gimana dengan matanya yang kemarin di optik seis didiagnosa silinder 3/4? ternyata sehat-sehat aja. alhamdulillah. tapi, dokternya menemukan kejanggalan yang selama ini saya pertanyakan. namanya: tics.

jadi, dulu waktu titan sekolah tk kecil di bee school, dia suka banget gerak-gerakin pipi, pangkal hidung, gerenyet-gerenyet enggak jelas, tanpa ia sadari. saya tegur berkali-kali malah semakin jadi. akhirnya, setelah saya diamkan (karena putus asa) ... kebiasaan itu menghilang dengan sendirinya. entah, setelah berapa lama.

nah, kebiasaan itu pun sekarang muncul lagi. tepatnya, setelah saya perhatikan, dia datang ketika titan kehilangan dua gigi serinya bagian atas. awalnya saya kira karena gerakan enggak enak mulut yang tadinya berisi gigi penuh harus kosong di tengah-tengah. tapi lama kelamaan saya curiga, kok gerakannya sama seperti waktu dia di tk kecil dulu.

ternyata, menurut dokter, itulah yang dinamakan dengan tics. sebuah kelainan syaraf karena berlebihnya rangsang dari otak. tics belum ada obatnya, karena sebabnya lebih kepada genetik dan emosional. biasanya, anak-anak yang mengalami tics sedang dilanda stress. tics ini lebih banyak menyerang anak laki-laki, sekitar 6 dari 100 anak.

setelah googling ke sana kemari, saya menyesal sekali karena pernah memarahi titan dengan kebiasaan buruknya itu. karena menurut artikel, semakin ditekan maka semakin menjadi-jadi kebiasaannya itu. trus, titan stress apa dong? setelah saya pikir-pikir, dulu titan sangat tidak suka dengan sekolah bee school. sampai-sampai dia menangis tiap kali mau masuk sekolah. karena tahu cuma akan sekolah setahun, saya enggak segera memindahkan titan dari sekolah lamanya ke sekolah yang memang kami tuju sejak awal. setelah pindah, mungkin itulah kenapa sindrom ticsnya hilang dengan sendirinya. nah kalau sekarang? karena tics muncul setelah giginya ompong, kemungkinan besar dia lagi kena krisis PD, apalagi ada anak cewe di kelasnya yang dia taksir, sama-sama ompong; tapi udah numbuh satu. wah, merasa kalah set kali ya!

akhirnya, sekarang sebelum tidur saya selalu pijat wajah titan dengan tetesan minyak aromateapi. titan nyebutnya 'pijat ramuan' dan kayanya dia sangat menikmatinya karena saya sok-sokan pijat pakai teknik relaksasi ala-ala spa hahaha ... selain itu, saya juga berusaha untuk menjadi pendengar yang lebih baik.

titan, 
you are important and you are loved. isn't it all enough? 
worry not, my dear.

Karma


have you ever wonder what kind of life you and your kids will have when you get old?
i mean ... those rhetorical questions like would the kids be a good boy and girl in the future? would they be useful for the community? would they be useful for themselves? would they have a good job or career? would they survive the world? what would they think of you, their parents? would they take care of you as you will have a gradual hearing loss, memory loss and live as a retiree with limited amount of money? would they be happy? would you be happy seeing them?

well, i do. and i am sure you do too.

and having said that, since i would never be able to answer that, i reflect myself to what is happening to me now and my relation with my parents and other family members. have i been a good child? have they fed me with halal? what mistakes and goods they have made, all the deeds that make me what i am today: a karma for my parents.

and my children, will be my karma too.

then suddenly i am in a deep mourn, because the big question arise: have i been a good mother? have i done the right thing for them? because i think, i have not. i could have been better and want to be better. but how? what is a better mom in criteria? i don't have the checklists. would it be no more bribes? would it be no more toys? would it be giving all they want? would it be letting them do what makes them happy?

then what if they asks the mistakes i have done? the obvious ones? the path i have taken? and if i answer them, what if they cannot accept my reasons? would i be the one to blame? would they know that i only got one chance to be a parent? and in this case, their parent. would they understand, that many times, i also do not know what to do.

to my kids, malicca and la luna.
you are the chance that i have, and the only chance god gives me to be a mother. there is no way you can get back to my tummy and god definitely did not do a mistake sending you two to me. because we are made for each other.
and if i do something wrong, ever, and i am sure i will (or did), would you please forgive me? because as you grow each day, i also learn new things about you and about myself. because we all change every single day, it is just sometimes we forget to tell what the changes are.

i love you satellites.
how many times i have told you that it is not you who runs around me, it is you two that has been the centre of my gravity.


bad people out there

setting:
di teras belakang sambil nemenin titan makan siang (enggak puasa karena enggak mau sahur), dan terjadilah percakapan ini.

me:
tan, kamu tahu enggak, saat ini; detik ini dimana titan lagi makan nasi goreng kornet telor ini, di belahan dunia sana ada yang lagi perang. they are in a worst condition.

titan:
oya?

me:
iya, negara yang diserang namanya palestina. yang menyerang, namanya israel.

titan:
perang kenapa, nda?

me:
well, biasanya, semua perang itu sama sih alasannya. berebut tanah. land, the ground you stand, you live with your family and the whole nation. kaya gini contohnya. ini kan rumahnya titan, bunda, adek dan bubu. tempat kita main, bobok, mandi pakai air hangat, di kulkas isinya makanan-makanan kita, di halaman belakang tempat kita main, pohon sawo mangga dan nangka punya kita yang kita petik buahnya kapan aja dia berbuah. tempat tidur juga punya kita yang bisa bikin kita nyaman bobo. nah, suatu hari ada orang lain masuk ke rumah. tiba-tiba! udah gitu, orangnya enggak sendirian. dia bawa semua keluarganya, temen-temennya, tetangganya, guru-gurunya. mereka semua masuk ke rumah kita. udah gitu, orangnya enggak sopan. tempat tidur kita diambil jadi kita bobonya sempit. makanan kita di kulkas dimakanin juga. pohon nangka kita buahnya diambil. mereka seenaknya aja pengen tinggal di sini, tapi enggak mau sharing. maunya ngambil yang kita punya.

nah, kalau kejadiannya kaya gitu; mau enggak mau kita yang ada di rumah kan harus melawan mereka yang mau masuk rumah, kan? bunda enggak bisa diemin mereka ambil susunya titan dan luna. air panas juga selalu habis sama mereka. udah gitu jangan-jangan mereka nakal, nanti titan sama luna disuruh-suruh kaya pembantu. mau nggak mau, kita harus perang melawan mereka kan? kita pukulin pantatnya satu-satu, kita usir dari rumah supaya rumah ini jadi milik kita lagi.

nah, perang juga begitu. tapi yang direbut negaranya. rumah semua orang. mereka datang, marah-marah dan ngambilin semua yang ada di negara itu. orang-orangnya juga. jadi, mau enggak mau kita harus berperang melawan mereka.

titan:
hahaha, ... pantatnya aja tendang ... tuiiiiiiiiiiing *sambil ketawa-ketawa*

me:
exactly! that is what happening in palestine, and some other countries if i may say.
trus titan tau enggak, kalau perang itu; yang paling banyak jadi korban itu anak-anak dan perempuan. semalam bunda liat foto temen-temen titan dan luna jadi korban di sana. kasihan banget.

titan:
kenapa, nda?

me:
kenapa anak-anak dan perempuan jadi korban?

titan:
iya. karena mereka kan tenaganya enggak sebesar laki-laki dewasa. mereka enggak terlatih untuk nonjok orang sekampung, enggak terlatih untuk nembak, teriaknya enggak kenceng, dan ibu-ibu ada di dalam rumah untuk ngelindungin anak-anaknya, tapi ternyata yang diserang malah rumah-rumah penduduk.
makanya, titan bersyukur ya. bunda juga. kita masih bisa bobo tenang, masih bisa bangun dari tidur panjang di malam hari dan melihat matahari. sementara sodara-sodara kita di sana, kasihan. penuh ketakutan hidupnya. berlindung di bawah meja, karena takut. it was horrifying, nak. kamu suka kan melihat petasan yang meletus di udara? yes, just like that. tapi banyak. langit malam jadi terang, dan yang meletus itu bukan petasan tapi peluru. hujan peluru. ada titik-titik menyala yang jatuh kaya hujan, tapi itu peluru. atap rumah jadi bolong dan pelurunya menembus ke dalam rumah.

titan:
hahaha ... rumahnya bolong-bolong kaya keju.

me:
yes, bener itu. badan kita juga bisa bolong-bolong kaya keju.

titan:
hah?

me:
iya. peluru itu seperti petasan, tapi ada isinya. isinya logam dan kenceng banget kecepatannya, jadi bisa nembus badan kita. itu cara kerja peluru, makanya kita bisa meninggal kalau kita kena peluru.

titan:
kalo kena pantat nanti ada asapnya dong nda, pantatnya?

me:
uuuh, bukan asap lagi. nembus, bunda bilang juga.

titan:
oh ... kasihan.

me:
nanti kita berdoa ya, buat sodara-sodara kita. dan juga berdoa supaya kita semua selalu selamat.
the earth is small, yet the world is so big. isinya bukan cuma kita dan mainan kita aja. there are bad people out there, bad bad ones. but don't be afraid because there are also good people, including us.

titan:
nda, di belakang indonesia tuh apa sih?

me:
nggak ada lah. adanya di sisi kanan, kiri, atas atau bawah.

titan:
bumi kan bulat, maksud titan di belakang indonesia itu apa.

me:
ooo itu maksudnya, kalau enggak salah sih benua amerika, nggak tepat tapi kurang lebihlah.

titan:
kalo kita mining di bawah sini, bisa nembus dong?

me:
hahaha bunda juga dulu kepikiran yang sama. tapi enggak mungkin dong. jauh sekali kan, nggak ada yang bisa nembusin. habis lapisan tanah kan ada lapisan lain, trus magma bumi, lapisan inti bumi. nanti kalau kita nambang / gali sampe tembus, magmanya keluar trus jadi banjir lava dong kita?

titan:
oh iya juga ya.

me:
OK, go get your meal finished lalu kita sholat zuhur dan berdoa yuk.

titan:
ayuk, titan jadi imam ya.

me:
boleh. rakaatnya jangan salah, ya.

titan:
empat, kan?

me:
iya.

the power of waiting

hello, it is been a while.
well, big boy is having a long holiday and little girl has been exercising her little steps. hence, cellphone is away most of the times and laptop has been occupied for the past week. yes, that would include night time; the time slot I used to blog.

so, what's new?

la luna is 11 and 2 weeks already. yesterday, june 26th 2014 was her official day of the ability to walk herself. started with four or five little steps and she gets scared sometimes, but i am sure she will walk independently real soon.

while mum, is officially having her back-ache back. maybe 6 years is a tad long for having a second child. I completely forget every phases of child development and body needs longer time to adjust. yet the joints start clanking and energy has lessen.

yes, in other words: i am aging. 

hitting her first year in a few weeks, there has been a significant emotional leap with la luna. she screams and nags more often than she used to. it is like she is showing the world that there are two queens in the house and she gotta be the number one. ow, chill baby chill. you can be the queen even the mightiest queen, but i - am - your - boss *thunder striking*

while practising her walk, she often finger-points to direct where we should go. but many times, i also have another direction to go just to turn off the lights or get some drink, then comes the conflict: where should we go then?

when it happens, i usually tell her to go with me first and we can go anywhere she likes after. but as predicted she would throw tantrums. so i let myself go off her grip and tell she can go there herself and i will catch her up soon. or, if she wants, she could wait for me. i said i would only take a while and i would be back.

of course, she would cry to see me leaving her. but i hope she will get my point someday: that people have other things to do and she is not the centre of the universe that everyone must evolve around her all the time. and also i hope she would learn that waiting for a moment would not hurt at all. 

anyways,
i said about my laptop has been occupied. did i say it was all about minecraft? hahaha. well yes, for the past year titan has been focussing in two things: titanic and minecraft. i don't mind with the first one, but minecraft was a bit draggy for me because it brought so many problems.

titan knew the game from his cousin, dinda, who is now 12 years old. ariawan downloaded it the first time on his tab, with a demo version. but then problem came along: titan could not get his eyes off the tab the whole weekend, forgetting his meal and shower,  then ariawan erased it off. people are disappointed.

having another style of parenting, dinda's parent bought her a tab that of course has a minecraft apps. at first, titan was so patient looking at dinda building things but then he lost his patient and came another problem : cousins fight.

me and ariawan stayed to our decision, that no matter what happens there will be no minecraft in the house. but then big boy got another solution for his minecraft cravings: he asked his uwak to install minecraft on his computer. so dinda can play on her tab and he can play on uwak's computer. the world was peaceful for a while. of course, because my lovely satellite was missing for hours and days. his eyes were tuned on a computer i could not supervise, because he played it on his uwak's computer at nini's house.

one day, i checked out uwak's computer just to find out what had been going with the minecraft thingy. well, titan built so many amazing things; actually. but my worries came to life, i found that the computer was not protected and was not prepared to share with the kids. so i tell titan not to play again with other people's computer and i promise i will buy him the licensed minecraft so he can go online and build a proper minecraft city with other friends. he looked happy and asked me:
"when?" 
of course, i said "later. but not now". 
"when is later?" he pushed. 
"on june, while you are having a long holiday. but with agreements." 
"like always ya, Bunda."
"like always."
"what are those?"
"there is a time for everything. when is for playing minecraft, when is to have your meals, when is to take shower, and to balance your eyes that has would be tortured; you have to eat veggies and fruits. to balance your right brain in making buildings, you would also have to do the worksheets i will give you be it math or english. in school days, mineraft is only available of weekend; 6 hours a day."
he took a deep breath and said nothing for a while. but then he answered "ok, bismillah. i hope i can do all of those."
"remember, it will only take a little click to uninstall your imaginary world"
"iyaaaaa ... jangan dong!" 

 *hand shake* 

preparing this minecraft thingy was a bit of production. i asked a lot to my friends who are real gamers, because, honestly; i am not a gamer at all. but then the best advice came from titan's other cousin who lives in adelaide: anindya, she is 10 years old and has been playing minecraft for years even for school project. thanks to her, now we got a family-friendly server that has complicated forms just to make sure my son will behave nicely and are waiting for its joining approval (good god, what took them so long to approve us?!) and to add with, i also have my personal minecraft pro handy to catch-up with today's world. 

on june 23rd 2014, after a long waiting phase, titan finally got his own licensed minecraft. his eyes widened when he saw me typed the credit card number on minecraft.net that was ... on sale! *lol, mom will always be mom*  and he screamed as the download done. i promised him that i would learn to play it too as a gratitude for him for putting his top-notch-patient on the highest level. 


i hope someday you will learn that good things comes for those who wait. and i hope you will also respect my effort to learn new things of your generation's.




Bussiness Day 2014

Halo halo, ketemu lagi dengan bussiness day tahun ini! Business day tahun lalu, bisa dibaca di sini ya :)

So yes, bussiness daynya titan tahun ini agak berbeda dengan tahun lalu. Kalau dulu kan orang tua harus menyumbang materi jualan selain yang disiapkan oleh murid-murid dan guru. Nah, kali ini, orang tua hanya bertugas untuk mensupervisi aja rangkaian kegiatan yang harus dilakukan anak-anak. So, inilah kira-kira rantai acaranya!

Business day tahun ini diselenggarakan pada hari Jumat, 30 Mei 2014. Nah, kerepotan-kerepotannya dimulai sejak awal Mei. Pertama-tama, anak-anak membuat sebuah perusahaan. Kelasnya Titan ngasih nama Fun Day Market, karena topik term 4 kali ini adalah tentang siang dan malam. Saya ingat suatu hari sepulang sekolah, Titan menghampiri saya dan bercerita nama perusahaan dari dialah yang mendapat voting terbanyak di kelas (wah, emaknya aja belasan tahun jadi copywriter belom pernah berhasil bikin nama brand :D )

Keesokan harinya, Titan dapat copy Surat Perjanjian Kerja yang harus ditandatangani oleh orang tua. Isinya adalah list down pekerjaan-pekerjaan rumah yang bisa dia lakukan di rumah. Setiap harinya ada 10 jenis pekerjaan yang bernilai seribu rupiah. Kerja? Like seriously? Iya, tahun ini mereka harus bekerja untuk mendapatkan modal. Beda dengan tahun lalu dimana modal diberikan dalam bentuk barang oleh orang tua. But me being tough, tanda tangan hanya didapat dengan cara interview. Titan sempat keberatan. Tapi saya bilang, kalau sudah besar; kalau mau kerja ya harus interview dulu. Akhirnya Titan setuju. Interviewnya sama bubu dan harus bikin janji dulu sebelumnya. Titan pun siap tiga puluh menit sebelum waktu yang dijanjikan. Sayangnya, video interviewnya kegedean untuk diupload di sini. Tapi kira-kira beginilah petikannya.

Selamat siang bubu, titan dari fun day market mau bekerja di rumah. Jadi, nanti kan kita juga akan presentasi sama investor, tapi selain itu kita juga harus cari dana. Nah, uangnya didapat dari bekerja. 

Kamu minta digaji berapa?

Tuh, di situ ada kok harganya *dan Titan pun disuruh berhitung* 

Oke, kamu serius mau bekerja? 

Iyalah, kan butuh uangnya. 

Trus kamu mau digaji harian atau bulanan? 

Hmmm... enggak sebulan. Kerjanya cuma dua minggu sampai tanggal 15 Mei.

Wah kerja apaan cuma dua minggu? *sambil becanda ketawa-ketawa*

Kan udah dibilang, kerja buat Fun Day Market *titan jawab serius* 

Oke-oke, kamu diterima kerja di sini. Selanjutnya nanti urusannya sama Bunda ya, dia yang jadi supervisor kamu. Kamu nurut-nurutlah sama supervisor bunda, dengerin setiap instruksi

*Dan mereka pun salaman hahaha*

Keesokan harinya adalah hari presentasi dengan investor. Siapakah mereka? Mereka adalah ibu kepala sekolah dan seorang guru. Investor akan meminjamkan uang satu juta untuk setiap kelas, dan uang itu harus dikembalikan kepada pihak sekolah *bunda smirks*

Saya enggak sempat hadir di hari presentasi. Tapi Titan cerita, the presentation was good. Dia kebagian untuk presentasi mengenai drinks booth.

Beberapa hari kemudian, Titan humming-humming lagu. Awalnya sih belum nyadar lagu apa itu sampai akhirnya dia sendiri yang cerita kalau besok adalah jadwal untuk campaign ke kelas-kelas mempromosikan perusahaan kelasnya. Dan mereka punya jingle sendiri.

Ayo siapa yang lagi lapar? 
Ayo siapa yang lagi haus? 
Ayo ayo, datang ke Fun Day Mart; semua ada semua lezat
Nasi bakar, dimsum, donat, kebab juga ice tea yogurt dan bubble tea
Ayo datang ke Fun Day mart, dari K-1/ B
Fun day mart!

Dan sebelum tidur, dia sempat bilang gini:

Nda, Titan besok jangan sampai lupa ya harus ngomong apa pas campaign ke kelas-kelas.

Lho, gimana sih? Maksudnya Titan mengingatkan diri sendiri ya? 

Iya. 

Emang besok harus ngomong apa? 

For drinks, there will be yogurt, lemon tea and ice bubble!

Nah, itu hafal. 

Iya, Titan udah hafal sih. Cuma takut lupa aja. 

Tenang, pasti bisaaaa ... kalaupun lupa yang enggak papa juga. Santai aja, tapi Bunda yakin Titan sih pasti bisa. 

Hari-hari pun berlalu. Dua hari pertama kerja di rumah sih rajin. Mulai bangun tidur beresin ranjang, naruh cucian kotor, siapin makan dan makan sendiri. Basically apa yang dia kerjain sehari-hari sih, tapi kali ini dibayar. Dan ternyata sama aja, banyak bolongnya hahaha. Akibatnya, Titan cuma dapat tujuh puluh enam ribu rupiah, padahal seharusnya dia bisa dapat seratus lima puluh ribu rupiah.

Dan hari itu pun tiba. Ni anak yang biasanya bangun pagi susah banget, kali ini bangun sedikit lebih cepat. Enggak sabar kayanya mau jualan :D Well, saya sendiri baru bisa datang jam sepuluh sama Luna dan stay di sana sampai toko tutup jam dua belas siang. Ngapai aja saya di sana? Uhm ... bolak balik beli makanan dan minuman hahaha. Beneran, ice bubblenya enyaaaaak!

Good job ya, Titan! Good job kids and teachers!

SPK
The K-1/B Team
Malicca was in HR
The Plan - Do - Review, High Scope's credo

The Business Plan

The Poster Advertisement

Food Corner
Pelanggan Pertama

Opening Song










every family has its story

dear titan and la luna,
now let me tell you about family.

well, a family is people you see and know for the first time.
those people around who watch you grow.
they see you get bigger, get taller, but not necessarily they make you stronger.
you see them, you know them, but your understanding toward them doesn't come instantly, or easily.
sometimes it takes forever to understand the character of each member of your family.
those are the people you see most often, but sometimes, not the one you seek for the first time.
either when you are in good or bad.

there are times when you feel you hate your family.
you hate your mom, your dad, your sister or brother,
but then you will realise that a family, just like any other things in the world,  can not always be nice.
and when that day come, just remember that there is no perfect family.
there is always the nicest, the worst, the most generous, the most stingy, those who make you feel happy the most or many times, those who makes you cry and pissed off the whole day.
but your family, is your family.
no matter what.
by then I hope you will realise that you will just have to accept your family.
the way they are.

and you, my children, you are a pair of angels god gave me.
because god knows having each other will make your life easier as brother and sister.
because god wants you to be stronger by having each other.
because god wants you to be always in his path, so god gave one as a reminder to the other.

and I want nothing in this world except you grow healthy and happy and to be grateful for having each other and taking care of each other.
promise me that,
one day.



... until you become one.

to my children:
you will never know how becoming a parent will make you stronger, until you are one.


la luna,

until you become a mother, you will not know how finger tips on your feet can be lengthened and be very flexible to reach things in the corner of the bed be it a pen, a warming oil, a hand towel, anything bigger or smaller, ... just to keep your baby calm while you are nursing her.

until you become a mother, you do not know you can do juggling until you put your clothes on while nursing.

you will also not know that you are even smarter than einstein until you realise you can easily tweak your brain to distract your baby and sneakily take things off her hands just to avoid her from choking or get suffocated.

until you become a mother, you do not know how hurt it is to see your kids turn back on you. or pick their friends over you. and until you become a mother, you do not know that you are a superhero because you will always do anything to protect your children.

until you become a mother, you do now know that you do not need a time capsule. because all you want is the time to stay still so you will have much time to watch your children grow and be with them more.

malicca,

until you become a father, you do not know that to be capable is much more important than to be the best. by the time, you will know that no one is perfect and the best thing in the world is to be beside your children when they need you, and you are capable to help them.

until you become a father, you will not know how eager you can be to get better jobs, get more money, and so you can provide all the luxuries your children needs.

you will also get the point why lying is never a good thing.

only until you become a father, you will know what worry is. to see your half-part is not getting back from school or to see your daughter seeing a guy.

to both of you,
until you become a parent, you will not realise what your parents say all along are true.
until you become a parent, you will not realise how strong you can be,  and i am sure, you two are going to be strong. and stronger.
and until you become a parent; you will not know how big my love for you both.






tick tock

teman baik saya, farika, menulis tentang ini persis dengan apa yang saya rasakan. begitu cepat anak-anak kita tumbuh tinggi, tumbuh besar dengan beribu pertanyaan yang terkadang terlontar dan entah berapa banyak lagi yang tersimpan. dengan rasa senang, kesal, kecewa, sedih, yang seringkali terucap tapi entah ada berapa banyak yang terlintas di benak mereka yang kita tidak tahu.

sekitar tiga tahun yang lalu, cara dia bicara saja masih kacau. masih cadel. saya masih punya rekaman dia bercerita panjang lebar dengan kakeknya. iya, panjaaaang ... dan lebaaar ... dan lama. hanya untuk menjelaskan satu hal, karena terbata-bata dan berusaha sekali supaya kakeknya mengerti apa yang dikatakannya.

tapi sekarang, malicca sudah bisa blogging. biar juga tanda baca masih ketinggalan di sana sini, kordinasi memori, logika dan tangan tiba-tiba sudah sempurna sekali.

saya hampir lupa bagaimana saya mengajarkan malicca membaca, tahu-tahu sekarang dia sudah bisa membaca kalimat dalam dua bahasa. saya bahkan tidak ingat kapan mengajarkan grammar, tapi sekarang dia sudah bisa membedakan mana past tense dan mana present tense.

walaupun sekarang saya bekerja di rumah, menyiapkan setiap kebutuhannya sejak dia bangun tidur sampai tidur lagi, melihat mukanya saat mengantar dan menjemputnya dari sekolah, mendengar laporan kegiatan di sekolah plus ekstra 24 jam bersama di akhir minggu, waktu tetap terasa kurang. saya ingin waktu yang lebih banyak lagi untuk mengajarkan dan berbagi tentang banyak hal. saya ingin memasak lebih enak lagi, bermain lebih kreatif lagi ... karena saya tahu saya berpacu dengan waktu.

dan hari ini, malicca jadi imam saat sholat dengan saya. untuk pertama kalinya. dia keliatan bangga dan tentunya senang bisa mengimami. biar juga bacaannya baru surat al-ikhlas aja. biar juga rakaatnya kebanyakan. enggak terasa air mata ini menetes. mendengar suara lembutnya melantun ayat demi ayat al-fatihah.

ada rasa haru mencekat. tapi bukan itu saja, karena juga ada rasa khawatir yang besar. what kind of man he will be in the future? have i taught him the right path? have i provide him the right ammunition to face the world? what if he got hurt? what if I cannot protect him any longer? what if he starts keeping secrets? what if he blame me on several things? what if I cannot answer his questions? what ifs.

but then, nobody ever read a perfect parenting. nobody knows about the future. all I can do now is to be beside him anytime he needs me. every bad or worse. every unfinished worksheets, every minecraft's glitch, every smile, every cry, every cough, every story he wants to share me.






The circle of life

Malicca is nearly 7 yet he asked me questions like adults. The past few weeks, he asked me lots and lots of philosophical questions like why did God create woman, why do we need to pray, why children cannot marry their parents and the newest question is about death.

This is what happened two weeks ago. Right after he got back from the friday prayer with aki.

I was nursing La Luna in the bed room when I saw the silhouette of my satellite in the window. He quickly got into the room with panting breath.

"Bunda! Today is my first time! First time!!! My first time pray for the dead in the mosque!
Kasihan deh, nda."

"Wow, really? I never do that. Yet. How did it go?"

"Ya Titan sholat aja ngikutin orang-orang."

"Did you stand in front?"

"No. At the back with aki."

"Oh, I bet you could only see adult's feet. You were the only kid, I guess."

"Yes, I was the only boy. Kasihan ya, Nda."


Hmmmm *bunda pun menerawang jauh.*


Then I remember my conversation with him back then. A conversation about how if I die earlier and who he gonna live with.

"Titan, kalo bunda meninggal nanti kamu tinggal sama siapa ya? Kamu mau tinggal sama siapa?"

"Hmmm, sama aki - nini aja ya Nda di sini. Di rumah ini. Kalau aki- nini sudah enggak ada, ya sama bubu. Di rumah sini juga. Kalau Bubu enggak ada, Titan baru tinggal di Depok sama ayah. Kalau ayah enggak ada juga, baru tinggal sama neni - eyang di Depok juga. Naaah, kalo semua udah enggak ada baru deh Titan bingung hahahaha."

"Hahahaha, masa sih tiba-tiba semua enggak ada? eh iya, masih ada uwak-uwak lho!"

"Oh iya, masih ada uwak budi, uwak ary, uwak amel, uwak dyah ya hehehe...."

"Jadi kalau bunda udah meninggal Titan tetep pengen tinggal di sini ya?"

"Iya, kan sekolah Titan juga di deket sini."

"Good point."


*bunda kembali menerawang.
 ada rasa sakit di tenggorokan, ngebayangin harus kehilangan momen anak-anak tumbuh besar.*


Baru-baru ini, ternyata aku juga baru tahu kalau Titan sama seperti aku, suka memperhatikan pengumuman di masjid saat ada orang meninggal dunia. Lelaki atau perempuan. Umur mereka. Kemudian, kita membaca Al-Fatihah. Suatu malam setelah maghrib, Titan tiba-tiba nyolek aku.

"Nda, kasian  ya?"

"Siapa yang kasihan?"

"Tuh, dengerin di masjid ada yang meninggal. Udah baca Al-Fatihah belum?"

"Oh, sudah."

Kasihan. Yes, it was his first impression.
Do we feel pity for the corpse, or the people who are left behind?
But maybe, the biggest question is: "What if it is me who died?"

Dear son,
before we get any further and I am sure we will get there in no time, maybe we can see it this way: that in life; things come in pair to create balance. Or many times, to get our life easier.

Why easier? Can you imagine living with one hand? It will be harder to pull off your lego or to pick up something. That is why God gave us right hand and left hand.

Can you imagine living only in sadness? Noooo ... that is why there is happy feelings as well. So we live in balance.

So it is with dying and living. When someone is born, there's gotta be someone who dies. There's gotta be someone who come and people who went away. That is natural, that is life. Like a circle. Like Lion King movie. When Mufasa dies, then Simba comes to rule the pride rock kingdom.

About those who are left behind, they will survive anyway. God gave us the power to adapt. To get the circle of life keep going.

I know, they might sound simple. But in real life, it is not. Because we, human, tend to own something and cannot let things go. And yes, that could be our next topic.

The simplest, yet the hardest.

Yesterday I learnt that polite people are hard to find nowadays. Now I understand why my mom have been always fussy about etiquette. Because yes, it is a lifetime and constant reminder. Because to be a better person, we need to learn and be reminded in every single day.

I write this post not because I want to be praised. I write this so I can remember this story and read the silver linings.

Months ago, I decided to donate my expressed breast milk because La Luna did not really need it since she got me around to nurse. I blasted a message through socmed and I made a promise to myself that I would give the 29 bottles to anyone who called me first.  And I did.

The bottles went to a 2 months baby girl, whose mother could not produce much amount of breastmilk because she had to spend most of her times taking care of the baby girl's 5 year old brother. To me it sounded like a cliche reason compared to premature babies, or babies whose mothers was sick and could not breastfeed because medical reasons, or other 'serious' reasons.

But then again, I made my promise. I would give the bottles to whoever called me first and she did.

We did few WhatsApp messaging, and I gave her some instructions of how to bring the breastmilk home safely. A few hours later, her husband came to pick up the bottles. He waited outside while having a cigarette. He popped-in his head to my door and asked me some questions. I felt funny having a chat with a stranger like that. Well, even a stranger should come inside. Sit politely, then make a conversation with the owner of the house. Isn't it a 101 etiquette?

From the conversation, I knew his wife who called me this morning, the baby girl's mother, the one who asked my breast milk, was actually in the car. She did not even bother to pop her head out of the window pane to say thank you or said good bye. And what would happen next was too easy to predict. No more WhatsApp messaging after that, even to say thank you.

Three months later, which was yesterday, I contacted her again whether she wanted more expressed breastmilk. My baby girl already started to wean and I needed bigger space in the fridge, so I decided to donate the rest of the expressed breastmilk. Then why that woman again? Because in my religion, babies who drank breastmilk from other woman, is also considered her son / daughter too. So yes, I won't bother of having another 'kids', then I decided to give the rest 44 bottles for the baby girl who was 5 months already.

Again, we had the WhatsApp messaging and she said her husband would pick up the bottles. "I would not be at home when your husband arrived, but I already left a note to the maid" I said to her. Then she said OK.

The funny feeling came again when I went home and listened to what my (actually my mom's) maid said about the guy who picked up the bottles.

"Ibu, tadi bapaknya yang ngambil susu rempong banget deh. Mana enggak mau turun dari mobil, aku bolak-balik berapa kali tuh ya. Pertama ambil tas. Terus kasihin susunya. Eh taunya botolnya ada yang nge-pop trus jatuh ke bawah mobil. dia minta cuciin. aku balik dulu ke rumah, tak cuci trus siram air panas trus kasihin lagi. Aduuuuh, ... mbok ya turun gitu ya dari mobil jadi orang enggak usah bolak-balik."

I smiled. At that time, I felt a big pity for the baby girl.

If parents cannot be polite to other people even those who had helped them, how could they teach politeness to their kids?

If it was all about thank you (a nice gesture of receiving things) that is so hard to utter, then how about sorry? Because Thank you and sorry. They may sound simple, yet the hardest to do.

Thank you Mamah, for teaching me and (still) reminding me of those bits and bobs. About what to do to people, to older people. About what to do when people offer me somethings, about how to do small talks, about never bring home foods from formal events unless you know the host to the bone.

So my children, Malicca and La Luna, I will do the same thing too like my mother does to me. Someday you will understand why.

bed time story

jadi, ada cerita apa hari ini?
nda, titan ceritanya sambil merem ya. titan ngantuuuk banget.
oh, it's okay. bobo aja yuk kalau gitu ...




for the past months, i have been enjoying my bed time routines with the kids. at eight pm, the three of us already got into our bedroom and had some fun. mostly, quiet time session. the session without jumping around like monkeys or rolling-on-the-floor-laugh. we spent an hour for sharing, read some books or like the past days, did a pillow talk with kakak titan while i nursed la luna.

i always sleep in the middle with the kids beside me. kakak titan on the left and la luna on the right, or vice versa. yes, i had to be in the middle because kakak titan wanted to hug me as well, an option if he was not allowed to nurse (and of course he would not). in the middle of the night, the arrangement could change. of course, it always changes.

the hugs, the pillow talk, the laughter, have became my favourite moment of the day. every single day. it was so beautiful i did not want to miss the moment even to capture the moment. sometimes it made me thinking, am i doing the right thing, doing the co sleeping. until when? but then the alter ego strikes, why bother? we both feel fine with it.

when they fell into their dreams, i often watch their face. thisclose. that close i could even count their eyelashes. reminiscing the first time i held them in my arms. the first time i heard them cry. the first time malicca got into his school. the so many times i got angry because of small things. the so many words i have spoken that might have hurt them. the so many big dreams for them. the so many question what i should do to protect them. the values i have or have not taught them.

and by then, i usually cried. if only i had better. if only time did not fly so fast. if only i could always be with them, till the end of time and forever more. if only things in the world is always like what it seems. but i know they will not. my children are gonna get hurt someday, and i will be feeling hurt too because of it.

after that, i slept and woke up for the morning errands.
and yes, the world rolling out once again.

bunda, titan mau sama bunda terus. nanti masuk surga sama-sama bunda juga. malicca said to me one night.

i bet every mother would cry listening their children said those kind of wish. but mommies cannot cry for illogical reasons in front of their kids, right? because mommies know, that kind of wish cannot happen.

amin, sayang. amin. 






Dreams

Malam ini kita berkhayal. Menulis dan menggambar banyak hal yang kita mau. Apppppa aja!
Dan, ini hasilnya.


He made one big clouds with a smiling sun on the right corner of the A0 sized paper. My space was on the left and his was on the right. Me with purple colour and he with the black one.

This was what he wrote the very first time.
"I dream I have a big house and I dream I have a big boat."
then he drew them both.

I asked him why he was dreaming of having a big house, hence he got a house already. The one we are living in. And this was what he said:
"Titan pengen punya rumah yang besar kaya nini, Nda. Rumah kita tuh aneh. Ruang tamu ... trus jadi satu sama dapur. Dapur, trus jadi satu sama teras. Teras, ... eh ada meja buat makan di situ. Aneh, kan? Kalo rumah nini kan satu-satu setiap ruangnya. Makanya titan dream punya rumah besar."

Much of I love his idea, I answered this:
"Tapi rumah besar repot ngebersihinnya. Sekarang aja bunda kerepotan."

"Iya juga sih, ... eh tapi nggak papa Titan pengen punya rumah besar."


In case you cannot see the picture clearly, here are more of his dreams:
I want to go to the moon
I want to have a caramel store, yum yumm!
I dream I can play all the time!


And here are mine:
I dream of healthy family
I dream of smart children, happy, good education, get a job and financially independent
I want my kids to be smart, humble, brave, honest and to be happy!
I want to watch U2 concert and sing along
I want to travel the world
I want to have cheese store and a vineyard
I want to watch aurora borealis
I want to see a planet floating big in the sky so I can see it with my naked eyes
last but not least, I want my caramel business to be big!

Oh, ... whose session was it? why am I dreaming much more than he was? 

Well, to my son, ... dream big. I will support you with all I might.

... and if I die someday

Percakapan malam ini, sambil masuk-masukin caramel ke botol, Titan nemenin sambil duduk dan nutup-nutupin botol.

M : Titan, kalau bunda meninggal nanti kamu tinggal sama siapa?
T  : ya sama nini sama aki
M : tetap tinggal di rumah ini?
T  : iya. kecuali kalau nini, aki, wa ary sudah enggak ada; baru deh titan tinggal di rumah eyang.
      Bunda kalau meninggal, dikuburnya jangan jauh-jauh ya.
M : kenapa?
T  : nanti susah kalau mau doain. dikuburnya di belakang rumah aja, biar gampang
M : ya masa di belakang rumah. lagian kalau mau ngedoain mah ngedoa aja, enggak perlu harus         selalu datang ke kuburan
T  : ya kalau kangen, gitu


And I think I am not ready for the day to come. I still want to be with my kids. 
How I love them. 
Help us all to say healthy, mind and body, dear God. 





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  Qur'an Surat Maryam: 6 يَّرِثُنِيْ وَيَرِثُ مِنْ اٰلِ يَعْقُوْبَ وَاجْعَلْهُ رَبِّ رَضِيًّا  ۝٦ yaritsunî wa yaritsu min âli ya‘qûba w...