Me. Now.

Lately, I have been hearing some friends of mine (and to be honest, including me) are busy asking their friends and (of course) asking themselves, whether they are going to stay in advertising industry for (at least) another five years. While some others have started to grow their own business, we are still trying to figure out what we would do in our old days. Still we haven’t figured out yet, let alone of making the first step.

If I were asked why I jumped in to advertising, all I can say is … it’s a coincidence. I always want to major psychology, but one day on a lovely day, I read a poster about this newly opened major in University of Indonesia: Advertising, and I found some interesting subjects in it. So, I stripped down my choices in majoring psychology in Atma Jaya and let go my privilege in joining Mandarin literary in University of Indonesia and jumped myself in to the advertising subjects.

The question itself, leads to another question: why is it copywriter? Well, first was and still it is, because I cannot draw. Secondly, I was curious why on earth they named it Coca-Cola. Pretty absurd, but that was why I decided to become a copywriter. But the last, which is the most important of all, is because I simply love writing and 'bebikinan' as a concept. So, it is nice to work something you love about rite, though in the process still I need to compromise. Unless I am writing my own book and have it published my own, I will have still to compromise.

Filling in my career for about ten years, I had never thought I have jumped in to the wrong industry. I like doing my work, I am well paid, I managed myself to produce some works that were able to win some local awards that made me hijacked to some blue chip advertising affiliations in Indonesia, I pictured my final career will be a Creative Director or a Strategic Planner in my mid thirties.

But you know what, ... that was me not so long ago. Now, things are different.

I actually feel funny to realize some part of me has been shifting into another direction. I realized that I don’t want to be a Creative Director and I just want to keep creating. Is it to create advertising awards and inspiring campaign for a brand,  or create my own business or write my own book,  that’s another story. But I don’t want to be deeply involved in giant organization, play the management game and have the responsibility to nurture young creatives and bring the brand to another level.  

I had never pictured myself to leave the comfort zone of getting fixed income every month, health insurance and bonuses (If I am lucky), but now ... I do.

I had never pictured myself I would be happier if I stay at home and do the chores. I had never imagined I would be happy to feel the wind blow the curtain and I would just lying down on the clean, squeaky floor and happily looking at the ceiling and thinking what menu for dinner. But now, I do. 

I don't know whether I will leave capitalist company and start my own business soon, or I will stay and climb this organizational ladder. This is the first time in my life when keep changing is not bad at all, because it is not about being inconsistent. This, is about setting up short term objectives and no plan B. Everything is a main plan. Keep changing means adjusting for better days and being realistic when things are not fit in well. One thing for sure is, that I am still trying to remind myself as well.  That by being realistic my life would be much simpler. The dream part? Let it be my son's.

Hmmm, that is pretty much how me is. For now.

With a blink of your eyes

"Momentum, momentum, momentum. That is all you need to win a chance."
Said my CEO in my previous office.

For a real businessman like him, maybe predicting a momentum is an art.
To analyze the timing of when to pull or push barriers toward chances.
To juggle alternatives and quickly make a decision.
Then with all the guts,
do the maneuver to get what we intended. .

Snap!
Only with a blink of our eyes, things change.

Only in a split seconds, we could fall in love.
Only with a sip of a coffee cup, you might get an idea to start your own business.
Only with a blink of my eye that beat my eleven years experience doing the safety driving,
I hit a truck.

There is always a first time for everything.
Today, it took me a blink away.

Talking to a Venus citizen

How long have we, man and woman, live together? Why until the day I am standing still, it is so hard for me to understand what a man is saying and why is it so hard for them to listen to what we are saying? Why when we meant good thing it many times end up contrary.

This is why ‘How to’ (in this case: talk) to people (in this case: a woman) is important. And to all men in the world, I will reveal you one thing about woman: women love to be asked, either it’s a simple question or a hard-slap one like “How are you feeling?” or “In what stage is the life you are living now?”

If only word comes in a tangible, soft and easy to shape like play dough, it would be very nice wouldn’t they? No matter what you want to say whether they are I love you, I am sad, I am disappointed, I wish you did that, I am happy or whatever, the shape and the colors of the dough is what most important.

Because words are only words, and we do not have enough vocabularies to describe what our brain says or what our feeling is. We need more devices to give a soul to the words we talk. Is angry will still left the same effect when you color it pink? Is love will give someone the same effect when you color it black?

Now, would you spend your time to think of how the shape would be and what color would you inject when talking to women?

Contact Report

For those who work in advertising and its related field, I bet you know what a Contact Report is. For those who listen this phrase for the first time, I will tell you what it is; as simple as I could.

Basically, contact report is a meeting report that is made by account service department after the meeting and will be sent to all the meeting participants, usually through e-mails. Contact Report is made so everyone in the team aware of what has been presented in the meeting, what are the comments and what are the next steps for the next meeting. Everyone can shout any disagreements in the contact report before 24 hours after it released. That is the theory, which much different in reality.

So you see how important a contact report is. But to tell you the truth, many of us related in the Contact Report thingy, take the Contact Report itself for granted. It is often abandoned. Neglected. Many times, everyone feels enough with their own notes on the meeting and just delete the contact report without reading it first. But for account service, a Contact Report is a must for them to do no matter what. So, … yeah, imagine yourself doing something you know it is a must but you also know people will ignore anyway.

I think, account department never get a nice reply of their Contact Report. “Thanks for the summary” or “Thanks for keeping us in the loop” or “Everything sounds cool and I can’t wait for the next meeting” and on. But for sure, they will get a harsh reply when something when wrong.

Are people only react when something is wrong? 

Now,

I want to take a Contact Report to another level. In a perspective of a mutual relationship. When someone is trying to keep maintaining the relationship, with every little thing they could do, but the other one is taking it for granted.

Well, … it is pretty common, isn’t it? To ignore something that has become a routine for you and only stand up when there is something wrong. Hence when the routine stops, it actually affects the relationship that has been built.

A kiss every morning as you wake up that becomes routine, can you imagine waking up one day without it? 
A stupid MMS picture of someone's lunch menu everyday; you just see and give no response.  but do you know it is how someone is trying to communicate with you? 
When someone sends you song everyday that might squeeze your e-mail inbox might be irritating, you might have heard the song anyway. But do you know someone might be cheering you up or telling his / her feelings for you through the song? Let alone of doing the same thing, but have you ever say thanks or spare your little time to reply?

Are people only react when something is gone? Why do we tend to keep looking what we don’ t have instead of trying hard to keep things we have. Just like a Contact Report being flushed in the trash bin of your computer. Just like a mutual relationship just forgotten.  

Is this love?

I thought it was just another morning; to wake up, dive into Jakarta's traffic and finish piles of job requests before deadlines. But I was wrong, the morning was not as freezing as it'd been. I woke up and see the sun's ray get through the curtain and it gave me a little warmth on my cheek. My eyes were blinking, like a hamster awaken from its longest dream. My fingers run to the window pane and softly touched it. It's warm and clear. To my surprise, summer comes sooner.

The little warmth this morning ignited a little idea in my head. It tucked me over and over like shoulder panes that sticking out, ready to be wings. Like saliva coming through my lips through a softest kiss.

Is this love that warmth my day?

Is this love? The idea of forgiving what happened and embrace the nemesis in me and in other's that infected my life.

Is this love? The idea of keeping the hope alive and keep it protected from the ancient whirlwind that kept hunting it.

Is this love? To accept that you are actually alone. To realize that even your own shadow will leave you in the dark, but loneliness would not stop you to be happy.

Is this love? To have a little flame inside you that gives you supadupa energy to keep walking.

Is this love, when you think to be happy is easy and to be happy for others is easier?

Is this love?

I don't know.
Maybe it is, maybe it is not. But why bother? Can't I just feel it while it lasts?

18:45

Ada saatnya dimana segala sesuatu tetap tidak bisa mengisi relung yang satu itu
Yang akan tetap mendengung lembut saat angin mencoba merasuk hingga menimbulkan rasa tertusuk
Relung yang tetap merindu, dimana debu tak bisa menyapu gurat wajahmu meski dalam bayang
Relung yang tetap bernyanyi melafalkan satu nama dan sebait doa untuk angin
agar angin menghantarkannya ke seberang.

souls in shadows

menyapa sopan jiwa-jiwa yang kelam
yang bayangnya ingin kupinjam
hanya malam ini saja
toh dia akan meninggalkanmu dalam gelap
dan melayang, mengembara entah pergi kemana

dan akan kusemat dia di sela jeda antara
detak yang teratur

saat surya menyapa
dan bayangmu harus kembali 
kan kuhembus paruh jiwaku kepadanya
dan lahirlah aku di bayangmu

agar saat gelap merayap
dan dia pergi meninggalkanmu
kamu tidak sendiri
ada aku di sini.

Yuk terus berirama, 
dengan tetap menyisakan sedikit ruang ketidakpastian.

Aku ingin ambilkan kamu bulan

Aku ingin ambilkan kamu bulan

Supaya orbitalnya berpindah kepadamu

Dan kamu akan selalu berputar di sekelilingku

Aku ingin ambilkan kamu bulan

Supaya kamu tidak hidup di dalam bayang

Supaya aku bisa menelusuri garis wajahmu karena kini kamu berdiri dalam terang

Aku ingin ambilkan kamu bulan

Supaya aku tidak perlu lagi menunggu malam

hanya untuk bertemu kamu dalam mimpiku

Aku ingin ambilkan kamu bulan

Supaya hanya kamu yang bisa menarik gravitasiku

Dan air pun memasang hingga asin bahagia berurai di mataku

Aku ingin ambilkan kamu bulan

Tapi sayang, … aku tidak bisa.  

Karena aku menghitung demi purnama

Hingga akhirnya ia mengizinkanku untuk bertemu denganmu

An interlude

"Can you sing real?
Utter what your heart is really feel,
instead of saying things that I want to hear.
It is the only way my broken heart be healed."

Investment to be alive

This is a note to myself #2

People usually do invest on money to survive.
But like investing our money, we can actually invest on ideas.
Little by little, we do it every day in different forms, and we will see in the future which ideas have grown and survived the evolution.
This is what I call an investment not only to survive, its to be alive.

Living a pie chart

This is a note to myself #1

The holy bible said that things will be beautiful on its own time.
Some of us might think that momentum will determine everything,
that when the time is right then everything would be beautiful.

Yes, that is true. But, what if we see it from another angle.
Why don’t we make something beautiful at every time?
So it is like living a pie chart; when you diver your day into little chunks and you do different things you love in each chunk. Yes, you will not finish a project in a day, but at least you start many things little by little in every time.
So the focus is not on the object you are doing, but on the subject instead. Focus on keep doing things.

A little thought for the future

Of all the things I am worried of growing a child, what I worried most is my child’s formal education or it’s what we usually call school education. Not to mention their emotional and spiritual growth is not important, but school education is something you need to think thoroughly because you can’t ever flipped back the pages you and your kids been through. Once we entered the system and that would be the path of how our kids deal with at least for a whole year through. To add with, we can’t ever forecast the future while we need to fill in our kids through education, for their future.

I am one of the Indonesian massive public education graduates, and I am sorry to say that my times during school times were stressful. Not because I am too stupid, but in contrary, everything was based on academic and I was too stressful to maintain my position in the top scorer league. My objective was how to give perfect answers to all quizzes I had back then, not to understand of how things went like this or that, or busily experiencing my mistakes during those trial-error times, which were school times. I did not have enough time to explore thoroughly what my interests were, I did not have enough time to discover myself. Sad, yes it was. But I thank God I have great parents who always support me to explore what I want in life, up to this moment.

Now is the time that I am being a parent. I grew-up with score as the only variable that determined the stressfulness of getting through school times and it is not easy to change my mindset to modern education. But yes, I do really want to switch. I don’t want my son to be stressful like me. I don’t want he thinks good scores will determine his success in the future. I want him to explore his interest, and I don’t want to carve my preferences on him any deeper. I want him to do trial-error in his school times and learn its consequences. I want him to grow up not to avoid mistake, but to be the expert of how to recover from his mistakes. When he goes to school, I want him to have fun by playing, meeting his friends and found himself.

I think these are what we need to achieve in basic educational program, to develop our kids' self-confidence and make peace with them self by exploring their selves better.

Cawan Rindu

Kamu dan aku, dengan gelas di hadapan. Milikku adalah panas menggelegak dengan sebongkah gula manis tenggelam di dasar cairan pekat tapi masih tembus pandang. Beberapa kuntum melati kering mengambang di permukaannya. Aku pun menunggu hingga kepulannya mereda hingga bisa kuseruput dengan ujung-ujung bibirku yang mulai mati rasa.

Milikmu adalah segelas besar dengan asap yang juga mengepul dan butiran-butiran keringat meleleh di dindingnya. Juga pekat namun masih tembus pandang. Sekilas seperti minuman di hadapanku, tapi bukan. Ada sedikit buih menari-nari terombang ambing di permukaan mengikuti ayunan tangan sang pemilik gelas.

Kuseruput pelan minumanku. Oh, minumanmu pun terguncang lagi. Ia mengalir membasahi bibirmu yang membiru di musim dingin dan mengguyur ujung-ujung syaraf di lidahmu yang kelu karena nikotin. Milikku juga mulai mengalir membasahi tenggorokanku, juga melalui ujung-ujung syaraf di lidah yang juga beku, rindu saling menyentuh lembut, bertaut dan berpagut.

Ada hampa.
Ada sepi.
Ada penat.
Ada asa.
Ada semua rasa diantara tegukan. Di setiap jonjot urat tenggorokan.
Terlebih lagi, rasa kamu.

Kedua jemari pun mulai menari. Bergoyang kesana kemari sembari menerima kode dari kepala. Sebuncah pikiran yang bertemu dengan pikiran lain sampai akhirnya beranak pinak dan bercabang seenaknya berlalu-lalang. Lalu jari-jemari lincah ini pun menangkap kode-kode dari kepala dan mulai bergerak. Mendekat. Meraba. Menghantarkan rasa.

Aku.
Jemariku menari di atas keyboard menuang rasa akan kamu.

Kamu.
Jemarimu menari di atas jemarinyan, menggenggamnya erat dan mengajaknya pergi. Membuncahkan nafsu merindukanku.

Ada apa dengan aku dan tulisan

Ada apa dengan aku dan tulisan-tulisanku belakangan ini?
Kemana kata,
kemana rima,
kemana cerita,
kemana rasa mendayu-dayu yang menguras air mata dan mengusung keagungan memulung serpih cinta?

Apa iya kata-kata indah harus berpangkal rasa yang menyakitkan?
Apa iya rangkaian makna harus berasal dari asa yang patah?
Apa iya aku telah melewati itu semua sehingga semua perbendaharaan kata pun raib dengan mengeringnya air mata?

Kalau memang iya,
aku tak tahu harus sedih ataukah bahagia.

Tapi aku tetap menulis,
meski kini tulisanku lebih banyak tentang hari-hariku yang mungkin tak lagi puitis.
Mungkin kata-kata sastra yang dalam itu terlipat diantara gurat-gurat rasa
yang kini tak lagi melulu terungkap melalui tulisan
tapi juga tertuang melalui sentuhan dan curahan perlakuan yang tak berkesudahan

Ada apa dengan aku dan tulisan?
Tetap mencinta, hanya saja bentuknya sedikit berbeda.

The hardest part

If only we don’t need any secure feeling, Maslow would not put it in the basic pyramid of human’s needs. But he eventually did, because he knows that secure feeling was very important for human beings, more importantly for their relationship with others.

If we don’t need any secure feeling, we would easily trusted everyone who encountered our heart, and would always think that everything would be just fine even if we had to lose someone.

If we don’t need any secure feeling, we would not be wondering. What about? … hell yeah about anything. “I just want to make sure.” Someone said the other day. “You just want to make sure that I love you, right? That I do need you, I care about you and I want you.” The other said, but it was only a heart whisper. "And if you are not sure enough that I love you, then nothing in this world can make you do." The other half heart whispered too.

If we don’t need secure feeling, we would not be afraid of getting hurt as the linear consequence of our love to someone. We would not demand our partner (or future partner) to show us of how much we are loved.

If we don’t need secure feeling, a relationship would not be only and always about 'me'.

But yes, we are only human and we will always have the insecure feelings in any parts of our life. That is normal. The thing is, what you and your partner would do to meet the comfort secure feelings halfway. Of course, one good first step is to feel secure about our self first.  

Here goes the big question, “Can we be loved without even trying to be loved?”

I think the answer is as easy as “Yes, we can, and there is only one way to do it and it is hard I tell you. To never expect.”  Yeah... that is hard. The hardest part.

In one of those days

One night, Titan was excitedly played with his new Mercedes coach bus I bought him that day. It was about seven o'clock he hadn't got his dinner.
"Titan, it's dinner time. Let me prepare your dinner, okay?"
"Yes, checked!" He said.

Titan is still on the early stage of being bilingual, and he is a visual-oriented type of kid. A checked mark sign means okay for him, therefore he sometimes says "Checked" as in the meaning of "Okay".

Then I started to prepare his meal. Tonight's menu is chicken soup and tofu croquette. Oh, I got starving as well. But it is a big no no for me to feed and eat at the same time for I would lose my appetite. But oh la la, soon as I finished preparing the meal, Titan suddenly said "Titan maunya scramble eggs aja. With cheese."
Listened to what he said, I was very upset. I felt a bit tired that night and Titan needed to respect all kind of foods his mother prepared, I guess.

"I have cooked for you and I am tired. Go cook your own scramble eggs."

"Enggak bisa, tangannya Titan kan kecil dan Titan belum tinggi kompornya enggak keliatan."

"Okay, then you should eat what Bunda cooked for you. Look, there is nothing wrong with your meal."

"Tapi maunya scramble eggs aja."

Sigh. I really do not know what I have to say when he said "I want ... (fill in the blank)" and I should be glad, at least for a 4 years old kid Titan is very outspoken to tell what he likes and what he doesn't like. Yes, that would included saying "Bunda, I don't like your outfit." or "Bunda, Titan mau sekolah musik" and he is pretty consistent of his choices.
Hearing what he said, there popped out my tricky mind of being a mother.

"Just check the fridge, can you find any egg?" I asked him.
Titan went to the fridge and checked for some eggs I previously hid in the upper box he could not reach.

"Kok enggak ada telur?" He confused.

"Yes, we are running out of eggs and I am running out of money because I used the money to buy the Mercedes coach bus. But I do have this chicken soup and tofu croquette which taste better than scramble eggs."

Titan's face was thinking. Hard.Then he finally gave up.

"Aaaaaaa..." He opened up his mouth and ate his meal.

Oh, I feel relieved and bad at the same time. Relieved because finally all the vegetables got into his tummy, but I did feel bad because I was very tricky. Sorry, Malicca :D, ... Boonda was being bad that night.

Sekali lagi tentang cinta

Seorang perempuan terburu-buru memasuki rumah. Menaruh tas, duduk dan mengambil segelas minum dari dalam lemari es. Tak pernah rasanya ia sehaus malam ini. Dalam setiap geluguk air yang masuk ke tenggorokan, matanya pun menelan serpihan yang tersisa dari jelaga memori tentang rumah ini.

Kemana mereka? Tanyanya dalam hati. Apakah aku terlalu lama di luar sehingga aku tak lagi menyadari adanya kehidupan di rumah ini? Tanyanya lagi. Lalu perempuan itu menarik nafas panjang. Terlalu lama mencari aku hingga kamu dan dia terlupakan. Katanya dalam hati. Sekarang satu sudah ketemu, tapi yang lain hilang. Seketika itu pula apa yang sudah ditemukan langsung terbang melayang. 
Sendiri. Lagi.


***


Seorang lelaki terus memutar filmnya, layaknya ialah sutradara sejati dan terbaik saat ini. Matanya lurus menatap ke depan seolah tertuju di satu titik. Di jari manisnya masih melingkar cincin pernikahannya dengan seorang lelaki lain yang sudah berubah menjadi seorang wanita, namun kini menghancur sudah dengan tanah.

"Ini mimpinya, menjadi sutradara. Dan aku belajar untuk mewujudkannya." Katanya sambil memutar-putar cincin di jari manis kirinya. Sesekali ia melirik lalu melepas dan membaca nama di dalam cincin tersebut. Cinta yang tak lekang waktu, dimana kesepian tak ada apa apanya jika dibandingkan dengan kesetiaannya.

ThirtyTwo

My new days of being thirty two, captured in here.
Enjoy!

:)