what's in it for me?

hello again, long weekend! dan pagi ini saya janji main perang-perangan air di halaman belakang sama titan. tapi, saya bilang, setelah semua morning errands saya beres.

selesai nyapu lantai atas, bawah, ngejemur cucian, saya cuci piring dan berniat untuk segera masak makan siang buat luna. tiba-tiba titan ambil alat pel.
"bunda, di lantai atas sudah di pel belum?"
"belum." kata saya.
"i will help you on that"

enggak lama kemudian, mulai terdengar dia geser-geser kotak mainan dan ngepel lantai.

"terima kasih ya, titan bundanya sudah dibantuin. kalau dibantuin pekerjaan bunda jadi lebih cepat selesai (dan kita bisa main lebih cepat - lanjutannya but I kept it in my heart)" ... spesial untuk anak ini, berlaku hukum some things are better left unsaid. karena kalau terlalu jelas, titan suka malah jadi males. jadi kalau saya ingin dia bantu-bantu saya; harus agak tricky gitu deeeeh.

enggak lama, titan datang sambil terengah-engah.
"tangga juga sudah titan pel, lho nda!"

saya senyum trus usap-usap kepalanya sambil bilang terima kasih. kebetulan dia selesai saya pun selesai dan kita mulai berperang.

a note to self, kalau mau anak ikut bantu kerjaan rumah; paling enggak ada dua cara yang bisa kita lakukan:

1. beri dia tugas tetap (kalau buat titan, ini juga saya lakukan sih. tapi ya gitu deh, masih harus ingetin lagi lagi lagi dan lagi. salah satu tugas tetap dia adalah membereskan mainan dan alat tulis, menjemur handuk bekas mandi, taruh seragam ke kotak cucian, taruh lunch box, botol minum, gelas & piring bekas dia makan ke tempat cuci piring, buka gerbang pagar kalau kita mau pergi dan pulang dari pergi plus angkat jemuran kalau hujan).

2. kasih reward di depan bahwa akan ada rangkaian kejutan setelah semua pekerjaan selesai. nah, sepertinya ini lebih works buat titan. mungkin dia adalah anak tipe "what's in it for me?" jadi saya harus pinter-pinter dagang sama dia.

my jukebox

T: Nda, bunga bangkai tuh bau ya?
B: Iya. Bau bangettt!
T: Bangkainya bangkai apa?
B: -__-


T: Nda, we are living in a dome right?
B: hmmm
T: look at the sky, its like a dome. so we are living in a dome. just like a half-cut ball.
B: it is not the way we should look at it. the earth itself is a sphere, and the sky is so wide and limitless that is why you see it like a dome.


T: Bunda, I want to go to the moon.
B: me too. but we should build a rocket to go to the moon.
T: what? build a rocket? okay, there's a space in the backyard we can build the rocket there.
B: no we can't. we have to go to florida, there is a rocket shuttle there.
T: how to get there?
B: uhm ... a bit hard.
T: nothing is hard, you said. it is just we don't know how to do it. bilang aja Bunda enggak tau gimana kesananya.
B: -__-


T: Bunda, I want to see UFO. Why nobody ever seen it?
B: some people did. at least, they think they have seen it.
T: why can't we see it like we see aeroplanes?
B: because they are afraid of humans. because they are not humans. they are being watched if they are visible.
T: you said the universe is endless, the UFO must be hiding somewhere
B: exactly my point.
T: I know the biggest star!
B: what is it?
T: it is the sun!
B: yes, it is biggest because it is the nearest star. look at my hand (I put my hand close to your nose)
    it is big, right? but see my hand if I pull it back, it is getting smaller right?
T: uh, tangan bunda bau otak-otak!
B: there goes my scientific mood 


T: I want to marry La Luna
B: why?
T: because she is soooo cute!
B: what is marry?
T: in bahasa indonesia, it is called menikah.
B: what is menikah
T: titan enggak tau, menurut titan nikah itu barengan.
B: there's no way you can marry your sister
T: masa barengan aja enggak boleh?
B: ...

You hate spider, but you did well making the spider robot

34

The first time I celebrated my birthday was when I was nine years old. It took me quite sometime to convince my mother how I wanted to have a birthday bash. She felt reluctant in the first place. But for the sake of ‘please mom, I had never held a birthday party before and I want to celebrate like other kids did’, she granted my will but with term and conditions: only close friends, no clowns or any other party stars and a homemade birthday cake which was made of a box of Pondan.

The party went well. We ended up playing pretend: a drum band, and my brother was the drummer with his DIY drum made of Styrofoam from the tv box we just bought a few days back. The birthday girl, of course, became the majorette. No goodie bags as well, that was the awkward moment when my friends queued as they were ready to get home.

Funny, I remember my friends asking me few sensitive questions, like “did your mom make the cake?” with a face of why-does-it-taste-bad’s face. Or,

“Errr… where’s my goodie bag?” with a face of hey-i-already-gave-you-a-present-how-come-there-is-no-goodie-bag’s face.

Luckily, I did not even remember any of the presents they gave me. So yes, I don’t need to feel pity right now because they did not give me a present that stole my heart as well.

That was one.

The other birthday I still remember was when I was much younger, maybe four or five, I do not really remember. Dad took my mom and me to Hotel Indonesia to have dinner. I remember there weren’t much food that I ate; well I was such a picky eater. But I remember that was the first time I had a caramel custard and I got addicted of caramel and caramel custard ever since. Thank god mom was such a great chef  (and still she is). She easily adopted almost every food including the caramel custard, so we did not need to go to Hotel Indonesia again just to enjoy the heavenly dessert.

The second time I held a birthday bash was when I was fourteen. That was such a cool school party, well… simply because I got my crush around * blushing *

Now it has been 20 years from the last party, and I am having my birthday now. For the past four years, every April 14^th, there are my favorite flowers  in the corner of the house: white roses, lily and sedap malam. My hubby worked on it, this year he added extra effort by making a banana cake with lemon butter icing and I must say, it was good.

This year, I also got my first present from my son. Two notebooks he bought with his own money he got for babysitting his little sister when he had term 3 and term 4’s holidays before.

Never about fancy foods, but mom always made me her signature nasi uduk on my birthdays. This year, added with a pair of scarfs she and my dad hand-picked a day before.  

So yeah, my birthdays were never about silver and gold. It was always about having people I love around, and I am so grateful. Of course, many times I want glitter stuffs; but then I forgot what I really wanted.

So … thirty four, huh? Maybe I should invest some anti aging stuffs hahaha.

But nevertheless, I am hoping for healthy me, healthy kids and the whole family. Healthy body, mind and soul … that sounds more expensive and a hard-to-get presie lately. I also wish the world would turn a bit slower, I kinda overwhelmed with how fast the children grows.

Amien.

tick tock

teman baik saya, farika, menulis tentang ini persis dengan apa yang saya rasakan. begitu cepat anak-anak kita tumbuh tinggi, tumbuh besar dengan beribu pertanyaan yang terkadang terlontar dan entah berapa banyak lagi yang tersimpan. dengan rasa senang, kesal, kecewa, sedih, yang seringkali terucap tapi entah ada berapa banyak yang terlintas di benak mereka yang kita tidak tahu.

sekitar tiga tahun yang lalu, cara dia bicara saja masih kacau. masih cadel. saya masih punya rekaman dia bercerita panjang lebar dengan kakeknya. iya, panjaaaang ... dan lebaaar ... dan lama. hanya untuk menjelaskan satu hal, karena terbata-bata dan berusaha sekali supaya kakeknya mengerti apa yang dikatakannya.

tapi sekarang, malicca sudah bisa blogging. biar juga tanda baca masih ketinggalan di sana sini, kordinasi memori, logika dan tangan tiba-tiba sudah sempurna sekali.

saya hampir lupa bagaimana saya mengajarkan malicca membaca, tahu-tahu sekarang dia sudah bisa membaca kalimat dalam dua bahasa. saya bahkan tidak ingat kapan mengajarkan grammar, tapi sekarang dia sudah bisa membedakan mana past tense dan mana present tense.

walaupun sekarang saya bekerja di rumah, menyiapkan setiap kebutuhannya sejak dia bangun tidur sampai tidur lagi, melihat mukanya saat mengantar dan menjemputnya dari sekolah, mendengar laporan kegiatan di sekolah plus ekstra 24 jam bersama di akhir minggu, waktu tetap terasa kurang. saya ingin waktu yang lebih banyak lagi untuk mengajarkan dan berbagi tentang banyak hal. saya ingin memasak lebih enak lagi, bermain lebih kreatif lagi ... karena saya tahu saya berpacu dengan waktu.

dan hari ini, malicca jadi imam saat sholat dengan saya. untuk pertama kalinya. dia keliatan bangga dan tentunya senang bisa mengimami. biar juga bacaannya baru surat al-ikhlas aja. biar juga rakaatnya kebanyakan. enggak terasa air mata ini menetes. mendengar suara lembutnya melantun ayat demi ayat al-fatihah.

ada rasa haru mencekat. tapi bukan itu saja, karena juga ada rasa khawatir yang besar. what kind of man he will be in the future? have i taught him the right path? have i provide him the right ammunition to face the world? what if he got hurt? what if I cannot protect him any longer? what if he starts keeping secrets? what if he blame me on several things? what if I cannot answer his questions? what ifs.

but then, nobody ever read a perfect parenting. nobody knows about the future. all I can do now is to be beside him anytime he needs me. every bad or worse. every unfinished worksheets, every minecraft's glitch, every smile, every cry, every cough, every story he wants to share me.

The circle of life

Malicca is nearly 7 yet he asked me questions like adults. The past few weeks, he asked me lots and lots of philosophical questions like why did God create woman, why do we need to pray, why children cannot marry their parents and the newest question is about death.

This is what happened two weeks ago. Right after he got back from the friday prayer with aki.

I was nursing La Luna in the bed room when I saw the silhouette of my satellite in the window. He quickly got into the room with panting breath.

"Bunda! Today is my first time! First time!!! My first time pray for the dead in the mosque!
Kasihan deh, nda."

"Wow, really? I never do that. Yet. How did it go?"

"Ya Titan sholat aja ngikutin orang-orang."

"Did you stand in front?"

"No. At the back with aki."

"Oh, I bet you could only see adult's feet. You were the only kid, I guess."

"Yes, I was the only boy. Kasihan ya, Nda."

Hmmmm *bunda pun menerawang jauh.*

Then I remember my conversation with him back then. A conversation about how if I die earlier and who he gonna live with.

"Titan, kalo bunda meninggal nanti kamu tinggal sama siapa ya? Kamu mau tinggal sama siapa?"

"Hmmm, sama aki - nini aja ya Nda di sini. Di rumah ini. Kalau aki- nini sudah enggak ada, ya sama bubu. Di rumah sini juga. Kalau Bubu enggak ada, Titan baru tinggal di Depok sama ayah. Kalau ayah enggak ada juga, baru tinggal sama neni - eyang di Depok juga. Naaah, kalo semua udah enggak ada baru deh Titan bingung hahahaha."

"Hahahaha, masa sih tiba-tiba semua enggak ada? eh iya, masih ada uwak-uwak lho!"

"Oh iya, masih ada uwak budi, uwak ary, uwak amel, uwak dyah ya hehehe...."

"Jadi kalau bunda udah meninggal Titan tetep pengen tinggal di sini ya?"

"Iya, kan sekolah Titan juga di deket sini."

"Good point."

*bunda kembali menerawang.
 ada rasa sakit di tenggorokan, ngebayangin harus kehilangan momen anak-anak tumbuh besar.*

Baru-baru ini, ternyata aku juga baru tahu kalau Titan sama seperti aku, suka memperhatikan pengumuman di masjid saat ada orang meninggal dunia. Lelaki atau perempuan. Umur mereka. Kemudian, kita membaca Al-Fatihah. Suatu malam setelah maghrib, Titan tiba-tiba nyolek aku.

"Nda, kasian  ya?"

"Siapa yang kasihan?"

"Tuh, dengerin di masjid ada yang meninggal. Udah baca Al-Fatihah belum?"

"Oh, sudah."

Kasihan. Yes, it was his first impression.
Do we feel pity for the corpse, or the people who are left behind?
But maybe, the biggest question is: "What if it is me who died?"

Dear son,
before we get any further and I am sure we will get there in no time, maybe we can see it this way: that in life; things come in pair to create balance. Or many times, to get our life easier.

Why easier? Can you imagine living with one hand? It will be harder to pull off your lego or to pick up something. That is why God gave us right hand and left hand.

Can you imagine living only in sadness? Noooo ... that is why there is happy feelings as well. So we live in balance.

So it is with dying and living. When someone is born, there's gotta be someone who dies. There's gotta be someone who come and people who went away. That is natural, that is life. Like a circle. Like Lion King movie. When Mufasa dies, then Simba comes to rule the pride rock kingdom.

About those who are left behind, they will survive anyway. God gave us the power to adapt. To get the circle of life keep going.

I know, they might sound simple. But in real life, it is not. Because we, human, tend to own something and cannot let things go. And yes, that could be our next topic.

the unplanned getaway

well,

kembali mengusung tema 'the unplanned continues' untuk tahun 2014, inilah yang terjadi dengan short getaway saya dan keluarga weekend ini. bertepatan sama malicca yang lagi libur term 3, akhirnya kita berangkat ke rumah nini asih & aki mumu di pandeglang. tentunya, aki dan nini asli la luna dan malicca juga ikutan. the plan was, to have a night sleep over.

ternyata, sampai sana nini asih lagi ikutan pengobatan alterlatif pijat refleksi. dan nini atty mau ikutan juga; padahal pengobatan itu enggak boleh keputus harus 3 hari berturut-turut. akhirnya, ... syalala la laaa... menginaplah kita di pandeglang dari hari kamis - minggu. maafkan karena kami sungguh merepotkan ya nini asih & aki mumu :'(

and yes, we had so much fun!

ini kali ke dua la luna main ke empang dan sawah milik nini asih & aki mumu. terakhir kita ke sana, 6 bulan yang lalu waktu luna umur 2 bulan dan masih anteng teng teng. sekarang mah ... hadeuuuh *pijet kepala, pijet boyok*
mahluk kecil ini membuat perjalanan ke sana seperti mau kemping karena harus membawa panci, slow cooker (yang akhirnya enggak dipakai juga), sterilizer dan bahan makanan mentah seperti daging, tahu, labu dan ohyong. pun sampe sana tetiba si eneng tutup mulut.

kalau buat titan, ini sudah yang ke sekian kalinya. dan dari sejak pertama kali dia menginjakkan kaki ke sini, titan sudah di grooming sama aki untuk jadi pemancing *phewww, mentang-mentang aki nya hobi mancing* ... tapi ternyata anaknya juga asyik tuh. mulai dari semua-mua dilayanin, sekarang titan udah bisa mancing sendiri. pasang umpan sendiri dan melepas kail dari mulut ikan pun sudah bisa sendiri *aki duduk ongkang-ongkang kaki di pojokan sambil ngisep pipa tembakau; karena terlepas dari beban mengasistensi sang cucu* sampai akhirnya tarikan pertama jatuh sama sang gurami yang cukup besar. welldone, kiddo!

dan bukan cuma kakak titan, la luna juga ikutan mancing. karena ikannya memang banyak, memancing dengan gaya pancingan digeprak-geprak pun bisa membuat luna berhasil menarik seekor ikan mujair kecil yang kemudian pengen dia tangkap pakai tangan.

anak-anak juga berkenalan sama mahluk-mahluk lucu lainnya. seperti capung jarum yang berwarna merah, yang menghampiri luna saat dia bobo. langsung aja ditaruh di atas pusar, konon katanya obat anti ngompol hahaha. titan juga kenalan sama praying mantis yang ngikut kemanapun titan pergi.

make friends with other creatures

selama di sini, anak-anak bener-bener jadi terdorong untuk hidup lebih alami. terutama titan ya. enggak sekali pun dia menyentuh gadgetnya untuk main. mau mandi pakai air dingin tanpa disuruh dan mau nyoba jus sirsak matengan dari pohon yang biasanya kalau di jakarta menyentuh aja enggak mau. dia juga nyobain kue jojorong, kue khas serang yang terbuat dari tepung beras, santan dan gula merah. titan juga mau bangun pagi untuk olah raga jalan kaki, ikut ke pasar basah dan bisa selalu menemukan yang bisa dikerjakan di saat bosan.

 morning walks

perjalanan kali ini juga jadi makin istimewa karena bubu nyusul jumat tengah malam. besoknya bubu ulang tahuuuun, tapi tenang deh karena kue ulang tahun udah nongkrong di kulkas dari maghrib. bundanya aja nih yang udah nggak sabar pengen nyoel hahaha. yang ulang tahun siapa, yang pesta balon siapa. kakak titan seneng banget punya balon pesawat (yang dia bilang malaysian airplane) yang sengaja dia cebur-ceburin ke kolam meniru kecelakaan pesawat tersebut *duh, ngilu*
luna juga kebagian balon sponge bob yang cuma berumur 3 jam, karena dia tarik kedua kakinya si pombom dan kempeslah sudah ... *luna melongo*

last but not least, we managed to get to a new place we never been: banten lama. ngeliat benteng, masjid kuno banten (oh yes, titan lagi senang mengagumi masjid-masjid tua; jadi dia seneng banget diajak ke sini). setelah itu, kita juga mampir ke 'klenteng' Kuan Im Phan, klenteng kuno yang baru aja diresstorasi tahun 2012. Sumpah, cantik banget.

so yes, ... alhamdulillah for the happy weekend. alhamdulillah for the unplanned that happened as if it was well-planned.

highlight: kakak titan lulled la luna to sleep in her carseat. 

The true leader

La Luna is sleeping, so I get a chance to take a peep of my friend's activity on Facebook. And I spotted this woman. Name is off the record.

I knew her since she was an account director in my previous office. Not one of the best, I have to say. I personally think she is too old for advertising industry at that time. 10 years ago.
But then her career climbed up and still up 'till this present day, for now she has become group business director and the office's business grows fast since she held the position.

Today, I am smiling looking at her picture with her team and their supports (that would include secretaries) is having so much fun sailing in the sea with a yacht. I feel inspired. She was not one of the best account director, but I must say now she has become one of the best leader. Compared to her colleague who was way better than her in 2004, this lady I am talking about has grown more mature in leadership and in contrast, has rejuvenated in heart.

Why I think she was one of the best leader, why I even bother to make this special post on my blog, that is the question.

The picture looks simple, but I am thinking (more exact on making speculation, actually) what went on behind the picture. The fact she was a busy leader. The fact she has her own company she started 10 years ago when I knew her. The fact she has to leave her family this weekend for the team's outing. And to me, that costs a lot. Of course, the team should not be merely a team. She has to build the team to become a great family too, then she can do what she is doing today. I think, she did it and it is not an overnight job *bow hat*

Can I do that?

I don't need to take a long run to answer that. The answer is: "I don't think so."All my career, I think I am just a professional. I dedicated my weekdays for the office, so weekends are for my family. That is why I rarely attend the office outings if it was held on weekends. Thus, makes me think I cannot be a good leader. I am just ... to cold. Too strict and just being professional. I don't think I would have the time to think of my subordinate's feelings or emotions or neither I have the ability to grow a second family. Because you know, ... being a leader is not only about doing jobs. You have to be inspiring and nurturing at the same time. A leader has to be devoted as a whole to all parts, both office and personal life. A leader has to be able to make time start from coming to subordinate's wedding, staying late after office to assist them, a simple birthday cards and morning greetings. Never a good leader come to office, close the door and put on their headphones.

There there.

Well, now I am enjoying my pancake with maple syrup and a cup of tea.
I think I have made the right decision for my life today.

:)

The simplest, yet the hardest.

Yesterday I learnt that polite people are hard to find nowadays. Now I understand why my mom have been always fussy about etiquette. Because yes, it is a lifetime and constant reminder. Because to be a better person, we need to learn and be reminded in every single day.

I write this post not because I want to be praised. I write this so I can remember this story and read the silver linings.

Months ago, I decided to donate my expressed breast milk because La Luna did not really need it since she got me around to nurse. I blasted a message through socmed and I made a promise to myself that I would give the 29 bottles to anyone who called me first.  And I did.

The bottles went to a 2 months baby girl, whose mother could not produce much amount of breastmilk because she had to spend most of her times taking care of the baby girl's 5 year old brother. To me it sounded like a cliche reason compared to premature babies, or babies whose mothers was sick and could not breastfeed because medical reasons, or other 'serious' reasons.

But then again, I made my promise. I would give the bottles to whoever called me first and she did.

We did few WhatsApp messaging, and I gave her some instructions of how to bring the breastmilk home safely. A few hours later, her husband came to pick up the bottles. He waited outside while having a cigarette. He popped-in his head to my door and asked me some questions. I felt funny having a chat with a stranger like that. Well, even a stranger should come inside. Sit politely, then make a conversation with the owner of the house. Isn't it a 101 etiquette?

From the conversation, I knew his wife who called me this morning, the baby girl's mother, the one who asked my breast milk, was actually in the car. She did not even bother to pop her head out of the window pane to say thank you or said good bye. And what would happen next was too easy to predict. No more WhatsApp messaging after that, even to say thank you.

Three months later, which was yesterday, I contacted her again whether she wanted more expressed breastmilk. My baby girl already started to wean and I needed bigger space in the fridge, so I decided to donate the rest of the expressed breastmilk. Then why that woman again? Because in my religion, babies who drank breastmilk from other woman, is also considered her son / daughter too. So yes, I won't bother of having another 'kids', then I decided to give the rest 44 bottles for the baby girl who was 5 months already.

Again, we had the WhatsApp messaging and she said her husband would pick up the bottles. "I would not be at home when your husband arrived, but I already left a note to the maid" I said to her. Then she said OK.

The funny feeling came again when I went home and listened to what my (actually my mom's) maid said about the guy who picked up the bottles.

"Ibu, tadi bapaknya yang ngambil susu rempong banget deh. Mana enggak mau turun dari mobil, aku bolak-balik berapa kali tuh ya. Pertama ambil tas. Terus kasihin susunya. Eh taunya botolnya ada yang nge-pop trus jatuh ke bawah mobil. dia minta cuciin. aku balik dulu ke rumah, tak cuci trus siram air panas trus kasihin lagi. Aduuuuh, ... mbok ya turun gitu ya dari mobil jadi orang enggak usah bolak-balik."

I smiled. At that time, I felt a big pity for the baby girl.

If parents cannot be polite to other people even those who had helped them, how could they teach politeness to their kids?

If it was all about thank you (a nice gesture of receiving things) that is so hard to utter, then how about sorry? Because Thank you and sorry. They may sound simple, yet the hardest to do.

Thank you Mamah, for teaching me and (still) reminding me of those bits and bobs. About what to do to people, to older people. About what to do when people offer me somethings, about how to do small talks, about never bring home foods from formal events unless you know the host to the bone.

So my children, Malicca and La Luna, I will do the same thing too like my mother does to me. Someday you will understand why.

Easy like Sunday morning?

For our family, easy like Sunday morning might only happen in a song. In real life, we most of the times spent our Sunday by doing the house project. That would include cleaning up the house, or did a project around the house.

Why Sunday? Well, because it is the only chance we have have the full strength to clean up hahaha. Bubu is not working, Malicca can help this and that, Aki or Nini is around to give their hands babysitting La Luna. And the feeling after everything around the house feels 'right' is just awesome.

Clean up, clean up everybody clean up
Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere
Clean up, clean up, everybody do the share
Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere

Lap Lap

Pusapu

I love the new arrangement

Okay, a reading spot (but when to read)?

His rocking chair

Hello butternut squash

Hello, capsicum

Fruitful!

Cherry tomato without tomato

bed time story

jadi, ada cerita apa hari ini?
nda, titan ceritanya sambil merem ya. titan ngantuuuk banget.
oh, it's okay. bobo aja yuk kalau gitu ...

for the past months, i have been enjoying my bed time routines with the kids. at eight pm, the three of us already got into our bedroom and had some fun. mostly, quiet time session. the session without jumping around like monkeys or rolling-on-the-floor-laugh. we spent an hour for sharing, read some books or like the past days, did a pillow talk with kakak titan while i nursed la luna.

i always sleep in the middle with the kids beside me. kakak titan on the left and la luna on the right, or vice versa. yes, i had to be in the middle because kakak titan wanted to hug me as well, an option if he was not allowed to nurse (and of course he would not). in the middle of the night, the arrangement could change. of course, it always changes.

the hugs, the pillow talk, the laughter, have became my favourite moment of the day. every single day. it was so beautiful i did not want to miss the moment even to capture the moment. sometimes it made me thinking, am i doing the right thing, doing the co sleeping. until when? but then the alter ego strikes, why bother? we both feel fine with it.

when they fell into their dreams, i often watch their face. thisclose. that close i could even count their eyelashes. reminiscing the first time i held them in my arms. the first time i heard them cry. the first time malicca got into his school. the so many times i got angry because of small things. the so many words i have spoken that might have hurt them. the so many big dreams for them. the so many question what i should do to protect them. the values i have or have not taught them.

and by then, i usually cried. if only i had better. if only time did not fly so fast. if only i could always be with them, till the end of time and forever more. if only things in the world is always like what it seems. but i know they will not. my children are gonna get hurt someday, and i will be feeling hurt too because of it.

after that, i slept and woke up for the morning errands.
and yes, the world rolling out once again.

bunda, titan mau sama bunda terus. nanti masuk surga sama-sama bunda juga. malicca said to me one night.

i bet every mother would cry listening their children said those kind of wish. but mommies cannot cry for illogical reasons in front of their kids, right? because mommies know, that kind of wish cannot happen.

amin, sayang. amin. 

A morning talk

pagi ini janjian ketemuan sama miss amel, ibu kepala sekolahnya titan. beruntung banget enggak usah nungguin lama-lama, karena soon as i tugged my son to his class there she stepped-in to the school alley and bumped into me.

terus cerita deh, soal criminal fraught kemarin waktu ada telfon dari yang enggak dikenal; bilang titan kecelakaan di sekolah dan minta segera datang ke rumah sakit membawa perlengkapan yang tidak tersedia. dan ternyata, sudah banyak kejadian seperti ini melanda beberapa orang tua siswa. ini kali ke tujuh setelah terakhir kejadian tahun 2012. cut story short, ya marilah kita selalu berhati-hati untuk selalu cek-ricek ya, walau kalo udah panik kaya gitu bisa aja lupa segalanya.

tapi maaf ya, saya males nulis detail tentang kejadian penipuan kemarin. males nginget-ingetnya. lagian pasti udah pada pernah denger juga soal cerita-cerita kaya gitu. nah, selain laporan soal penipuan itu; saya juga ngobrol yang lain sama miss amel. kali kemarin saya berdiskusi gimana cara menghadapi titan yang akhir-akhir ini agak anxious menghadapi sekolah dan hidupnya. takut dapet warning, enggak mau sekolah sampai sixth grade karena takut pelajarannya makin sulit, takut enggak pintar, takut enggak dapat kerjaan dan enggak bisa beli rumah besar. duh!

akhirnya pagi itu dipanggil juga miss ami, psikolog sekolah. kita semua menelaah kembali berkas-berkas  hasil observasi psikolog saat titan ikut test masuk sekolah 2 tahun yang lalu. semua ini untuk mengingatkan apakah titan anak kinestetik, visual, atau apa. mungkin ada cara mengajar yang enggak masuk ke diri titan.

dari semua berkas itu, terlihat titan termasuk anak visual dengan attention to details yang sangat besar. ini, mengacukan dia pada anak yang perfeksionis. terlihat dari cara ia menggambar sesuatu yang begitu detail dan garis haruslah lurus. perfeksionis, bisa beda tipis dengan melodrama dan rasa percaya diri yang rendah; kalau saja semua yang dia bayangkan tidak sepenuhnya kejadian.

nah, kayanya akhir-akhir ini dia lagi terserang sama rasa percaya diri yang rendah karena kekecewaan pada dirinya sendiri. misalnya unfinished worksheets; dimana dia keteteran karena salah dia sendiri enggak bisa fokus ngerjain gara-gara satu kelompok sama anak bawel yang ngajak ngobrol melulu. kemudian soal ketakutan dapat warning (lagi) dari guru; karena pernah dapat warning beberapa hari sebelumnya. padahal, batas warning setiap hari (sesuai ketentuan kelas yang telah disepakati bersama seisi warga kelas termasuk guru dan siswa) dalam sehari maksimal 3x. dan yang paling besar, adalah pikirannya sendiri tentang semakin sulitnya pelajaran di tahun-tahun mendatang. semua itu bikin dia beban.

duh, kasihannya anakku. berat banget kayanya hidupnya :') 

sepulang dari sekolah, saya mendapat tugas untuk terus observasi dan memupuk acknowledgement terhadap titan. bukan pujian. and please, to be more detail on the process. karena anak itu tauk kalo kita cuma asal muji. saya juga mendapat tugas untuk memupuk rasa 'it is okay to be imperfect' seperti masakan bunda yang tidak sesuai harapan, seperti keinginan yang tidak semuanya terpenuhkan, it is okay to make mistakes, and it is always good to forgive ourselves.

oh waw ... tiba-tiba jadi ingat campaign-nya Diesel 'let's be stupid' :')

sampai di rumah, saya bikin conference dengan orang-orang di sekitar. well, you know ... hal-hal di atas mungkin lebih sering kita dengar sebatas konsep. dan mungkin lebih lumrah di telinga dan kepala angkatan-angkatan kita. karena saya tinggal berdekatan dan bersinggungan dengan orang tua saya, yaitu aki-nini titan, yang suka lumayan kolot. kadang tidak membiarkan anak melakukan kesalahan dan 'gatel' banget pengen mengkoreksi.

so yeah, toughness comes from that part.

so, mulai hari ini saya akan belajar lagi untuk terus dan terus memberi acknowledgement dan memberi masukan. i'll help you and be there for you as you grow, son. have faith things will be fine.

Do you love me?

Tonight's pillow talk.

Bunda, do you still love me? 

Of course, I do. I love you 'till I die and forever more. 

I love you too. 

Do you love La Luna too? 

Yes I love her. She is so cute. Her cheek is so bouncy, and her tummy is too. 

Will you protect her? 

I will. I am his ... eh, her brother. It's my job. 




Then I hear your smooth little snore.
You have no idea how much I love you two.

Dreams

Malam ini kita berkhayal. Menulis dan menggambar banyak hal yang kita mau. Apppppa aja!
Dan, ini hasilnya.

He made one big clouds with a smiling sun on the right corner of the A0 sized paper. My space was on the left and his was on the right. Me with purple colour and he with the black one.

This was what he wrote the very first time.
"I dream I have a big house and I dream I have a big boat."
then he drew them both.

I asked him why he was dreaming of having a big house, hence he got a house already. The one we are living in. And this was what he said:
"Titan pengen punya rumah yang besar kaya nini, Nda. Rumah kita tuh aneh. Ruang tamu ... trus jadi satu sama dapur. Dapur, trus jadi satu sama teras. Teras, ... eh ada meja buat makan di situ. Aneh, kan? Kalo rumah nini kan satu-satu setiap ruangnya. Makanya titan dream punya rumah besar."

Much of I love his idea, I answered this:
"Tapi rumah besar repot ngebersihinnya. Sekarang aja bunda kerepotan."

"Iya juga sih, ... eh tapi nggak papa Titan pengen punya rumah besar."

In case you cannot see the picture clearly, here are more of his dreams:
I want to go to the moon
I want to have a caramel store, yum yumm!
I dream I can play all the time!

And here are mine:
I dream of healthy family
I dream of smart children, happy, good education, get a job and financially independent
I want my kids to be smart, humble, brave, honest and to be happy!
I want to watch U2 concert and sing along
I want to travel the world
I want to have cheese store and a vineyard
I want to watch aurora borealis
I want to see a planet floating big in the sky so I can see it with my naked eyes
last but not least, I want my caramel business to be big!

Oh, ... whose session was it? why am I dreaming much more than he was? 

Well, to my son, ... dream big. I will support you with all I might.

Beyond Limits

kata orang, anak umur 4 - 5 tahun itu lagi ampun-ampunan nyebelinnya. waktu titan seumuran itu, saya petantang - petenteng bilang semua itu bohong, karena titan lagi manis-manisnya.

sekarang, saat dia berumur 6 tahun 9 bulan, baru deh berasa apa yang dulu orang-orang bilang. ampun deh. tiap hari ada aja yang jadi diskusi panjang dan kalau lagi enggak beruntung, berujung dengan berantem ibu - anak. well, tepatnya ibu yang jadi super bawel sih.

sampai detik ini saya masih muter otak apa kiranya sebabnya. apa karena saya justru jadi ibu rumah tangga ya, jadi saya melihat semua hal yang dia lakukan. dan ternyata banyak hal yang saya enggak suka.

atau, apa dia balas dendam ya karena selama ini ditinggalin kerja?
atau taken for granted karena sekarang ada ibunya yang akan selalu mengingatkan?

weekend ini, saya memutuskan untuk mencari tahu sampai mana batas saya dan titan.

hari sabtu, titan bangun jam sepuluh pagi lalu sarapan fruity loops. habis itu langsung main minecraft selama 6 jam, makan siang (yang jadi makan sore) jam 4 trus ketiduran bablas sampai malam. enggak mandi dari pagi. hal yang paling saya sebel. tapi saya sengaja mendiamkan aja. malamnya, saya bingung harus membangunkan dia untuk makan malam atau tidak. akhirnya saya memutuskan untuk konsisten, membiarkan dia melakukan seenaknya, semaunya. saya cuma menyiapkan spaghetti buat titan makan kalau dia bangun nanti. ternyata, selesai masak titan malah bangun. sekejap hilang kekhawatiran saya kalau-kalau dia melewatkan makan malam. saya lirik jam, pukul 9 malam.

habis makan spaghetti, saya pun menidurkan luna. dan tentunya jadi ikut ketiduran. pas saya kebangun, saya lihat titan lagi buka komputer. kali ini browsing youtube. again, tentang tips and tricks dan cara membuat minecraft titanic. saya tinggal tidur lagi lalu terbangun dan kaget dia masih manteng di depan komputer. pas lihat jam, ternyata sudah jam 03.30 dini hari.

"sudah subuh, tan. enggak bobo?"

"hah? bentar lagi matahari nongol dong?"

"gitu deh. kata saya santai."

akhirnya dia tutup laptop trus bobo.

besoknya dia bangun jam 9 pagi, sarapan fruity loops lagi. rendeman air anget sambil nyanyi-nyanyi. habis mandi dia minta sarapan lagi pake roti isi telur. ludes juga. makan siang tepat waktu, mandi sore jam setengah enam dan makan malam jam setengah delapan. setengah sembilan sudah masuk kamar dan siap-siap tidur. semuanya tanpa disuruh.

mungkin emang perlu sekali-sekali anak itu dikasih space untuk melakukan seenaknya, semaunya. biar mereka tahu batas mereka dan batas kita, orang tua. walaupun, deg-dengan juga karena titan punya penyakit maag, itulah kenapa saya bawel banget soal jam makan dia.

but all in all, ... die die must try ya gak mandi 2 hari dan begadang sampe subuh.
di umur 6 tahun.

fiuhhh....

forever and ever amen

seperti yang saya ceritain di beberapa posting terakhir, berantem sama titan pagi-pagi sebelum sekolah sudah jadi rutinitas yang tidak menyenangkan. buat saya, dan terlebih lagi pasti buat dia.

dan hari ini, terulang lagi. karena titan telat abis-abisan sampai sekolah. untuk yang ke sekian kalinya, dan itu pun sudah diantar akinya naik motor. kebayang kan kalau saya yang antar naik mobil, bisa jauh lebih telat lagi.

hari ini saya jemput titan. sambil nunggu, saya baca banner-banner di sekolahnya.
"learning should not be frustrating. it should be fun!"

damn jargon. kata saya dalam hati.

enggak lama, bel pun bunyi dan anak-anak K-1 mulai berbaris keluar kelas menunggu namanya dipanggil untuk segera menemui penjemput. there, ... there was my love came toward me. mukanya kusut dan langkahnya lemas. saya rangkul dia sambil ngobrol-ngobrol yang lain. titan duduk di belakang menghabiskan snacknya pelan-pelan sambil liat-liat kiri-kanan.

sampai rumah, dia buka tasnya. taruh kotak bekal dan botol air minum ke tempat cuci piring. buka kaos kaki dan seragam lalu dimasukkan ke dalam mesin cuci. sambil memperhatikan dia ganti baju, saya bertanya.

"why do you look so spineless? not having a good day? are you mad at someone?"

tanya saya sambil mendampingi dia ganti baju. ketauan banget emaknya ini kepo abis, nanya hal yang sama sampe tiga kali.

"i am not mad. i am just upset. aki angry to me this morning."

"oh i know why. because you were late for the thousand times."

"iya, tapi kan bisa ngomongnya pelan-pelan. enggak usah marah-marah." katanya.

selain saya jadi ikutan sebal karena titan dimarahin di belakang saya, saya mau ketawa bahagia melihat anak ini sudah bisa membedakan mana rasa marah, mana rasa sebal. saya juga senang dia bisa mengutarakan perasaan dan pendapatnya.

"titan mau ngobrolin soal tadi pagi? enggak papa, dikeluarin aja sebelnya biar lepas. bunda dengerin kok."

"no bunda, enggak mau dibahas sekarang. eh, ... enggak mau dibahas sampe nanti-nanti deh."

"oh ya sudah. sekarang enakan mandi aja, sudah sore juga kan. kalau bunda, kalau lagi sebel rendeman air hangat tuh bisa jadi happy lagi lho. titan coba, deh!"

enggak lama, saya sudah dengar titan nyanyi-nyanyi sambil rendeman di bak mandinya luna sama mainan-mainannya. mungkin habis mandi lebih baik saya ajak ngobrol. kayanya memang sudah waktunya juga nih ngomongin serius soal telat bangun yang merembet kemana-mana ini. saya juga bertanya-tanya kenapa sih dia berat banget harus bersekolah. padahal kan sekolahnya tergolong enak dibanding sekolah saya dulu. saya juga nggak pengen punya anak yang frustasi harus bersekolah. percaya deh, saya tahu banget rasanya. soalnya saya pernah ngalamin waktu sma.

tapi kemudian saya mikir lagi, mungkin emang namanya anak-anak ya gitu. mau seenak apapun sekolahnya, sebagus apapun fasilitasnya, tetep aja kalau yang namanya kewajiban dan rutinitas itu jatuhnya nyebelin. sama kaya kita yang sudah kerja. mau kantor kaya apapun, tetep aja bete kalo harus berangkat ke kantor dan mikirin kerjaan-kerjaan kita. so yes, i should not add another drama. let's just have a talk with the kid.

setelah titan selesai mandi dan ganti baju, saya ajak dia ngobrol. seperti biasa, saya selalu membuka percakapan serius seperti ini.

"titan, bunda pengen ngomong ya sama titan. serius nih. mungkin bunda cuma akan ngomong sekali soal ini, setelahnya terserah titan. karena ini hidupnya titan, jadi titan sendiri yang tentuin ya."

melihat mimik wajahnya yang tetap santai dan siap mendengarkan, saya berpikir dia lagi dalam kondisi oke nih untuk diajak ngobrol. lalu saya pun mulai angkat bicara.

"titan, bunda mau kasih tau deh. karena titan harus tahu akan hal ini. titan tahu enggak, kalau bunda dan bubu akan selalu berbuat yang terbaik untuk pendidikan titan. apapun yang titan pengen; pengen sekolah apa nantinya, inshaa allah akan bunda dan bubu usahain yang terbaik. karena itu, titan juga harus memberikan yang terbaik."

lalu saya pun mulai bla bla bla soal sekolah lain dan betapa saya pengen banget bisa sekolah di sekolah dia kalau aja dulu sudah ada sekolah modelan kaya gitu. surprisingly, dia cukup kaget. mungkin selama ini dia enggak tau keadaan sekolah lain, yang masuk lebih pagi dan pe er segabruk-gabruk setiap harinya.

"gimana ya nda, bisa pinter tapi enggak usah sekolah? hahaha ... hoooo i don't like my unfinished worksheets. it is piling up!"

saya cuma tersenyum. inget sama dulu waktu jaman kerjaan numpuk di kantor dan males banget ngerajinnya.

"bisa kok enggak usah sekolah tapi pinter. yang penting, belajar. belajar bisa dimana aja dan banyak caranya. terus, kalau enggak mau ada unfinished worksheets ya titan harus fokus waktu ngerjain. bunda yakin kok, kamu itu bisa. cuma sering distract aja waktu ngerjain."

lalu dia menghela nafas.

"iya deh. i'll do my best!"

saya senyum-senyum. dia juga ikutan senyum-senyum trus malah peluk saya.

"oh, i don't like to go to schoooool hahaha" kata titan lagi.

*kissous*

on that usual our pillow talk right before malicca go to bed.

i said to him,

"i want to be a better mom. 
how do you think i can be a better mom? 
what kind of mom do you want to have?"

you patted my arm.

"kaya gini aja. udah kaya gini aja titan sukanya."

i replied

"but i don't think i am a good mother nowadays. 
i want to be better. 
i want to be more patient." 

then you said

"ya titannya harus lebih nurut sama bunda. 
biar bunda enggak marah-marah jadinya a better mom deh." 

"do you think so?"

i said.
inside i was feeling so happy, i nailed you dear boy.

"iya bunda. udah ah, titan mau bobo. 
jangan ajak ngobrol terus ya. 
good nite, tomorrow will be a better day! 
bismillahirrohmanirrohim, 
bismika allahumma ahya wa bismika amut." 

i zipped my mouth, then i heard you snored.
the most wonderful sound on earth i love to hear over and over.

yes, tomorrow always a better day dear boy.
inshaa allah.

Rumah

beberapa bulan terakhir ini, banyak teman-teman dekat yang lagi asyik membangun dan mempercantik rumah. mulai dari berburu arsitek idaman sampai ke info-info diskonan parket, karpet sampai curhatan genteng bocor atau rumput liar yang selalu melanda halaman-halaman cantik rumah kami.

saya selalu senang bercerita atau mendengar cerita tentang rumah. entah kenapa, rasanya seperti 'pulang' dan jadi pengen mempercantik rumah, lagi dan lagi. the possibilities are endless! dan saya pun jadi teringat saat dulu saya membangun rumah yang saya tempati ini. memang, rumah saya enggak cantik-cantik banget sih. jauh dari rapi kalau dibandingkan dengan rumah teman-teman saya @dialita , @yanagenic atau @mariananugroho (yang saya enggak kenal personal, cuma kenal suaminya hehehe). coba deh intip instagram mereka kapan-kapan ada waktu.

dulu, kakak saya sendiri yang menjadi arsitek rumah ini. berantem-berantem dikit sih pasti. ribut-ribut sama ayah yang jadi 'mandor' harian mengawasi tukang-tukang juga tidak dapat dihindari. dan enggak lupa, terima kasih sama award-award saya yang bisa ditukar dengan uang di kantor saya yang lama sehingga saya bisa menyicil membeli kunci-kunci jendela, handle pintu yang lucu juga aksesoris-aksesoris interior lainnya.

rumah ini, dulunya berkonsep unfinished dengan banyaknya bagian-bagian concrete expose di rumah seperti lantai atas, tembok dapur dan kamar mandi. bahkan dulu kamar mandi pun lantainya bertabur batu kali, bukan lantai buatan seperti sekarang. enggak ada konsep-konsep yang njelimet saat membangunnya. kita cuma pingin rumah ini jadi rumah istirahat, karena kami berdua sibuk bekerja pada hari kerja dan pingin 'ngerumah' saat weekend. itulah kenapa halaman belakang dibuat lebih besar dengan pintu geser ke belakang yang bisa terbuka seluruhnya. supaya bagian dalam rumah bisa menyatu dengan halaman di luar. udara bisa masuk dan kami bisa dengan leluasa mengamati anak-anak bermain di pohon mangga yang memang tidak kami sentuh-sentuh saat membangun. rumah ini juga rumah tumbuh, yang memang disiapkan untuk terus tumbuh jika kami punya uang lebih nanti-nanti. tulang-tulang yang sudah disiapkan untuk tumbuh meninggi dan melebar jika anak-anak sudah waktunya memiliki kamar sendiri-sendiri. dan percayalah, lantai atas sendiri baru tahun ini (setelah hampir 8 tahun berdiri) dirapikan dan dihuni.

saya senang memiliki rumah sendiri. membangunnya dari awal di atas tanah hibahan, dimana saya bisa menentukan sendiri mau menghadap ke mana wc saya nanti. dulu (eh, sekarang juga masih sih) rumah harus selalu rapi dan bersih. enggak boleh ada tembok kotor atau noda di kaca jendela. walaupun saat itu titan masih tergolong toddler, rumah saya tampak seperti tidak ada anak kecil di dalamnya karena semua mainan berwarna-warni yang off dengan tema interior rumah tersimpan rapi di kotak dan letaknya tersembunyi di laci pijakan tangga.

sekarang saya tidak lagi melulu berkeinginan menempel ini-itu di dinding atau mengganti kulit-kulit luar seperti kulit sofa ataupun tirai. rumah ini, dan saya yakin semua rumah, mampu mengajak pemiliknya menjalani sebuah perjalanan spiritual dalam membangun dan merawatnya.

membangun rumah mengajak saya untuk menyadari bahwa tidak ada yang sempurna di dunia ini. konsep boleh tanpa cela di kepala, tapi pada prakteknya ada saja salahnya. tembok yang tidak lurus, cat yang mengelupas di beberapa bagian, siku atap yang tidak bertemu, jatuh pencahayaan yang salah dan masih banyak lagi hingga pada akhirnya saya mampu berkata "ya sudahlah."

rumah juga mengajarkan saya bahwa ada hal-hal yang tidak dapat di rubah dan kita harus bisa menerimanya. terkadang pengen banget bisa ngestretch teras belakang sedikit aja supaya bisa sedikit lebih luas. atau geser seluruh rumah agak ke depan dan masih banyak 'atau' lainnya.

rumah juga salah satu bentuk yang penuh tuntutan dan sangat sensitif, persis seperti memiliki anak yang harus dirawat tubuhnya dan dipupuk hatinya. berasa banget aura rumah yang kosong atau penuh amarah. dan percaya atau enggak, suhu rumah terasa lebih 'dingin' kalau bersih. aneh ya?

tapi yang saya ingat betul adalah, rumah itu sangat mencerminkan orang-orang di dalamnya. saya ingat betul saat perkawinan pertama saya mulai tenggelam. rasanya rumah ini terasa suram. tetumbuhan di sekeliling juga ikut lemes dan akhirnya mati. anehnya, rumah juga terasa panas secara harafiah.

sejak itu, saya mulai memperhatikan rumah lebih dari sekedar bentuk fisik yang saya lihat. sekarang saya 'sedikit' lebih legowo kalau melihat rumah lantainya agak ngeres-ngeres dikit, atau meja di teras yang kotor-kotor dikit karena kejatuhan kotoran cicak atau mainan anak-anak yang tidak lagi sembunyi di kotaknya atau semut-semut kecil yang menyelinap di balik jalinan benang sofa karena remahan anak-anak saat ngemil. karena rumah ini pernah lebih buruk dari itu, ia hampir kehilangan nyawanya. jadi, sekarang saya lebih 'menerima' dan mencoba memaklumi dengan apa yang saya lihat dan lebih mendahulukan apa yang saya rasakan tentang si penghuni rumah.

*senyum*

introducing you a new tag

after six months, this is the day I am starting to get that 'special' and 'different' feelings of having a baby girl. simply because she is showing new 'girly' gestures like pulling off someone's hair; scratching someone's face, screaming out loud, having great attention to flowers and feminine patterns and that particular nagging part when a girl dislikes someone : turning her eyes off you.

thus, I inevitably compare with her big brother. this is also the time for me to realise that having a baby girl is so much different. it feels like she grows faster than boys, reaching milestones earlier than boys and a baby girl is able to make me do lots of experiments for their outfits. and today, is the first time I went to the mall to hunt some new dresses for upcoming events.

*fainted*

so having said that, please welcome me to announce a new tag for my new experience:  #ndaluna  to share my journey as a babygirl-mommy-newbie

for a start, let me share you the perk of having a baby girl
*panic attack as I hit the mall*

Ready to join Tante Lia's wedding shower 

A gift from Oom @adiputra & @Rintul

Ready for weightlifting :D 

Let's go to granny's book launching

Ready to go to Tante Lia's wedding

Ready for Alif's birthday

family recipe

my mom has a very tasty recipe for making corn cream soup.
like always, no exact measurement.
let me share you the family secret recipe.

grate some fresh sweet corn and squeeze them with a napkin to get the thick liquid.
cook the corn liquid and add some chicken broth until you get the consistency you want.
add the chicken and carrots (both already cut in cubes size, smaller size for the carrot)
add some salt and pepper as you like, and topped with grated cheddar cheese when you serve (hot is better). you can add the cooking cream too if you like bold taste of milk.

little Luna loves it a lot. of course, without the chicken and cheese (yet!)