sorry.

dear titan, 

one day when you were 9 years old, i found this letter at the office. 

you put it in between my laptop. 

i startled. 

i felt ... sad. 

if only you knew, 

every mothers in the whole wide world will always forgive their children. 

so that they won't have to ask forgiveness again and again. 

so that they won't have to kneeled-down just to ask one. 

as much as mothers will want you to learn from your mistakes, 

we don't really want you to make ones. 

because your mistake means our failure in raising you. 

but all in all, 

i am proud of you. 

it is not easy to ask forgiveness.

but i somehow know, 

your forever-child-heart will make you one of the most courageous man alive. 

love you, 

you know i always do. 

... because now is all there is.

Titan & Luna,
hari ini bunda bangga banget sama kalian karena bisa menerima kekecewaan dengan lapang. Selain karena minimnya ATM, kegagalan terutama berasal dari perencanaan yang kurang OK.

Yang diniatin hari sabtu ini sebenarnya cuma bikin pas foto buat Luna sekolah. Setelahnya, baru ke galeri nasional demi ngintip pameran lukisan istana. Namun oh namun ternyata semua-mua jadi mulur dan akhirnya sampai Galeri Nasional udah antri banget dan enggak mungkin juga kita masuk karena pas giliran kita pasti galerinya udah harus tutup saking panjangnya pengunjung. Bundanya kecewa, kakak titan juga. Tapi kita kan gengsian, jadinya menolak pulang demi menghibur hati yang terlanjur sakit.

Setelah gagal ngintip pameran lukisan istana di galeri nasional, akhirnya kita memutuskan ke Monas. Tadinya mau ke Ragusa, tapi knowing Luna punya amandel dan matahari lagi terik banget; jadi enggan untuk ke sana. Padahal udah kebayang kerupuk mie yang disiram bumbu asinan dan sate yang nongkrong di depannya.

Alhamdulillah sampe sana matahari udah rada-rada ngumpet di balik awan. Kakak Titan pengen banget naik ke atas Monas, padahal udah pernah juga ya. Bundanya ini umur 36 tahun malah belum pernah. Ndelalah antri banget juga dan bakalan tutup jam 5 sore. Kakak Titan kembali kecewa. Ditambah lagi, bunda dan bubu baru nyadar bahwa kelupaan mampir ke ATM dan uang seada-adanya aja di dompet. Itu juga dompet bubu, dompet Bunda mah udah lemes banget kaya kupu-kupu.

Akhirnya Luna dan Titan lari-lari aja di lapangan rumput luas di depan Monas. Lari dan lari dan lari, sampai Bunda kasih tau tips lari-lari paling enak di rumput adalah dengan kaos kaki tebal. Akhirnya kakak lepas sepatu dan lari lebih kencang lagi. Luna sibuk kejar-kejar kakak, ... sampai akhirnya ada patroli yang menyuruh kita keluar dari lapangan rumput. Aneh ya.

Akhirnya kita duduk-duduk aja di pinggir lapangan, begitu pak polisi hilang, anak-anak lari-larian lagi di tengah. Karena ini negara aneh, ada lapangan rumput kok ya nggak boleh diinjak, ya jangan ikut anehlah. Itulah kenapa Bundanya ini akhirnya memperbolehkan anak-anak lari-larian walau dilarang. Di menara Eiffel aja orang bebas mau ngapain aja. Jemuran sambil telanjang juga boleh. Lagian kan kita enggak seperti orang kebanyakan yang buang sampah sembarangan atau pake selop yang hak-nya ngerusak taman. Kalau masih dimarahin juga, secara ini Indonesia ya, mari kita selesaikan dengan cara Indonesia: bayar! (Gaya banget deh, padahal gak ada uang juga di dompet, kan).

Hampir Maghrib, kita pun pulang. Pak polisi nggak berhasil ngejar anak-anak ha ha ha! Di jalan pulang, Luna inget lagi sama janji bunda-bubunya untuk mengizinkan naik perahu naga di taman hiburan mini di pintu masuk Monas. Jreng-jreng, tiga puluh ribu pun keluar demi perahu naga. Untung masnya baik, karena lagi sepi pengunjung; anak-anak dibolehin naik 2 rit. Padahal, Luna udah teriak-teriak minta turun karena takut hahaha! Setelah itu, kita beli minum yang ternyata hanya bisa pakai e-moneynya Mandiri. Semua warung di sana, juga harus pakai e-money. Dengan baca Bismillah, e-money Bubu bisa beli 1 Aqua dan 1 Teh Pucuk. Berbagilah kita berempat minum gantian dari botol.

Dalam hati sempat membathin juga, tapi akhirnya diputuskan untuk diomongin aja di depan anak-anak.

"Titan, Luna, hari ini kita prihatin ya main-mainnya. Bunda dan Bubu uangnya terbatas jadi kita harus itung-itung banget mau beli apa aja. Kita harus bersyukur, karena kejadian kaya gini jarang-jarang kejadian. Kebayang ya orang-orang yang nggak punya uang untuk jalan-jalan."

Di mobil, kita pun kembali deg-degan. Lupa harus bayar parkir ... jreng-jreng!

Month 5 day 10

Never crossed my mind that I would love working in havas and slide the chance visiting cupertino again in september. I think i am ready to settle down though the boredom starts creeping me out lately.

Today is the fifth month since i got back to work. It is the day for my performance review before the contract put an end in another 30 days. Today, i proved myself that being a leader I expect myself to be; was not easy after all. Maybe i am not a good one. Even far from good. far from how i set my standard in the beginning. To me, being a leader is to lead by example. Being a leader is to groom people i have now to be a champ, not by recruiting the champs. I don't ask much. I only want to see a goodwill, a willingness to be better that eventually, will prove. I don't like being pushy.

So I did what I thought it would take to be a good leader,  to be the one I expected myself to be.
Now I know it hurts me to see them failed. It crushes me inside to see them took the chance for granted.

Month 2 Day 5

Ternyata, 

cuma butuh waktu 2 bulan 5 hari 

untuk bisa bikin mengumpat lagi ha ha ha! 

Dulu, saya sering banget mengumpat. Mulainya sih pas udah kerja aja, saat udah merasa cukup 'gede' untuk nunjukin kuasa. Sebenernya sih karena jadi terbiasa aja, karena teman-teman suka mengumpat jadilah suka ikut mengumpat. Apa aja yah kata-kata umpatan saya ...
Tae, ah!
Kampret!
Dammit!
Shit!
Bencong!

Ya, ... mayan banyak ya ternyata.

Kalau saya bisa ingat kapan mulai suka mengumpat, saya juga ingat kapan mulai menghentikan kebiasaan jelek itu. Gara-garanya, pas ketemu ariawan setelah dia pulang dari pergi jauh. Sampai akhirnya kita menikah, cuma dia yang selalu ingetin saya kalo swearing itu nggak baik dan dia nggak suka sama orang yang suka mengumpat. Kadang suka defense sih, bahwa umpatan-umpatan saya itu cuma ekspresi, bukan maksutan untuk menyumpahi. Bahkan bos-bos expat di kantor pun sering banget shat shit shat shit dan fak fuk fak fuk sama orang. Tapi terus dia cerita, seumur-umur dia kerja dan sekolah di sana-sini, belum pernah dia temui orang bule yang ngasal shat shit shat shit atau fak fuk fak fuk sama orang. Karena kata kata effin' itu udah tingkatan yang sangat tidak sopan, dan yang ngomong kata itu pun dipertimbangkan sebagai orang yang tidak berpendidikan.

Lah, terus? Apa cuma orang iklan aja ya, yang menganggap fak fuk shat shit itu biasa? Is it a trend, maybe? Biar dibilang kekinian? Atau biar dibilang orang bebas?

Yang jelas sih saya sempat berhenti mengumpat. Ndelalah kok ya cuma butuh waktu 2 bulan 5 hari untuk mengumpat lagi di depan suami gegara arloji saya pecah karena si mas yang mengganti baterai enggak bener kerjanya.

Bangke! Kata saya.
Pak suami langsung ngeliatin.

Oops!

Happy Birthday, Bapak!

He is my possible hero.
His tummy is flat and he drives.
He takes a little exercise with his 3 kilo barbell as he rocks his rocking chair.
He trains his brain memorizing surah in the holy Qur'an and go to the mosque every adzan.
He takes Luna for a bicycle ride almost every morning. A long distance, seriously.
He teaches Titan to climb a tree.
He was a basket ball player, was a pilot, was a policeman, and forever fisherman.
He said yes all his might, he says no when he can't.

He is my possible hero.
He is my dad.

Happy sweet seventy, Bapak.
Lot's of love and pray for your health and happiness.
This year, we celebrate it in the town where you were born.

The point of no return.

I think I have forgotten the last time I planned my life. So are thinking of things (material things) and the urge of having them like branded stuffs, luxurious vacations and great gifts for my love ones. Either because of the aging things, the things happened in my life that made me this way, or somehow my significant others who affected me somehow, someway. But for sure, I kind of lost that big chunk of me. The chunk that drives me to the upper ground and bloom when the weather is good.

I have been hibernating. I have been keeping myself underground for the reasons I made up, and I lost many chances because of it. I am not regretting it. I love and enjoyed it so very much.
Well, who doesn't?

I woke up with baby smell every morning. I can hug her every time, sing with her, bath with her, and everything. I worked for a super sexy brand once in a while that took me abroad. I read some books, I had massages very often, I had some holidays with family more than ever, ... a super lux life that ever happened to me.

But then the big question rose. So, what am i? A full time mother? Well, to be honest ... not really. I didn't cook much. I didn't clean up much. I didn't do much and I didn't go out much. So, am I just a lazy lady? Those who uses husband's money to be alive?

I always know, the life itself is like a seismograph. There is no way in life something would happen out of your pattern all of a sudden. There must be some signs, some intros some personal guts before the climax strikes. And anyways, I got the best experience by being so very picky in my hibernation times.

A best friend of mine said her answer when I wondered about the situation. "Just enjoy, when the time comes, it comes." Ariawan, being so logical like he always does, only said "To make a change, you need power. You need energy, like boiling water need a fire. You were just lacking of energy now and since you are fully hibernated, you think that you are ready to get back." and I am thank you for that, dear husband. I know I always have your support to do whatever I want in life, though somehow it ticked my pride too when I saw how big his willingness is to give all his have for me. For us. It was also hurt my pride too to see how passionate he was in doing everything he did, though he did not sleep for three weeks for the past projects. All in all, it was not about giving all he has for others. It was about giving all his might to himself.

I think my hibernation will be over soon. I sense the sun is coming up (again and again), giving me chances like it always did. It is just different now. Well, not so different afterall. I have been in most situations and I survived. I am proud of myself for going through this far.

Fighting!

It hurts, son.

What do you see when you see your child?

I can still remember his first cry.
Soft and weak, I almost lost my breath when I kissed him the first time.
He was the one who saved my life, one day in a misty night.
I can still remember how he got stuttered when I taught him how to read.
The feeling when he gave me little flowers, those he found on his evening walk.
The first time he led a prayer.
How he was proud of me and showed it off to his school friends.
How I see big things sparkling in his eyes, those times when everything is big things.

But then that day came.
The day I never thought it would happen soon.
The day he deceived me.

It did not take long for me to realize he is lying.
But I must say he is good.
Everyone is good when it is about self defense, aren't they?
And seeing that, I cannot tell how hurt I was.

"I am your mother, how could you lie to me?"
"I should be the one who protects you, why are you protecting yourself from your protector?"
"Where did you get the idea from? Did you pick it from me to be the best liar?"
Those were what comes to mind but I did not utter.

There I realize that my baby boy has all grown up in another step.
He is completely human with his shields to protect himself.
My little guy he is.
He is not an angel, afterall.


Malicca, you learnt best to survive by lying at the age of 8 years and 9 months.

Dream.

We need to have dreams.
You know,
something to keep us alive.
Something to look forward of what's in front.

They said.

Ever since, I kept wondering what my dreams are.
I kept looking.
I kept asking.

Until I saw you were dreaming that night
and said my name out loud.
I smiled.

I don't need a dream.
I am happy enough to live a life someone is dreaming about.

I am a happy mother

Today, I was tagged to post five photos that shows how happy I am as a mother on Facebook. I saw this post yesterday when a friend was being tagged too. I felt nothing. I did not even take a closer look of the photos she posted. Never expected I would be tagged such a thing, but I was.

After finished answering the challenge, i asked myself whether I am really happy being a mother who stays at home at the moment. It took me sometimes to answer.

For the past months, I have been looking for a chance to get back to the office. Some chances come, but none of them I could be sure of. Then I realised, it was not them who I was not sure of. It was me. I only made too much excuses just to translate how I don't want to leave my life today. How those offers cannot compensate the happiness I am bearing at the moment.

Somehow, I know I am being selfish.
But hey, after what I have done ... can't I be one?

I love to be in the pajama all day. I woke up, made some breakfast, take my baby girl to shower, teaching her all the things I know in life, talking endless to my son, texted hubby to come early, I am still enjoying it somehow.

***

"I often come upstairs in the middle of the night just to see whether you were okay, son. I tugged you in the blanket, I slept beside you and whispered all the good words I know for you to be. Do you know that?"

"I know. Last night you talked about how healthy you wanted me to be, right?"

"O, yes. I thought you were sleeping."

"I was. But I could hear your voice."

"Oh, then it is easier to talk to you in your sleep. Because you usually did not listen even when your eyes wide out."

And my big boy hugged me. I know he was sorry, I know he loves me much, I know he loves me being at home. Seeing her brother hugged me, little Luna came along and kissed me. On the lips, like always.

There.
And I am happy to see my children happy.
Then I know I am a happy mother.

I dedicate this post to my sister Yuniar, thank you for tagging me.

Doubled visions.

I experienced the double visions lately. A little accident occurred and needed to have a doctor put a medicated soft lense to heal the cornea faster. Only for a few days.
Hopefully,
my eye gets better,
visions get clearer,
and I am becoming wiser.

Hahaha.

And then I felt funny. I felt everything indeed has double standards.
About what the norms says, what we believe in, what we feel, what we think, nothing is really fixed anyways.

And then I felt the world is slowing down. Suddenly I have much time to do many things. To pray longer, to take care what I have left behind, to say hi to an old friends, to be eager to wait for my kids to do my instructions (if you don't want to call them 'orders' ha ha!).

And then I felt lucky for my life. I felt so blessed surrounded by people who loves me and their persistence to stick around.

Alhamdulillah.

Everyone is facing a battle we don't know.

Pagi hari waktu mau berangkat kerja, sebenarnya badan udah ngilu-ngilu enggak enak dari malamnya. Tapi, teman-teman bilang itu cuma sindrom kerja. It happens all the time. Khususnya, setiap habis liburan. Padahal, di kerjaan ini aku cuma dikontrak 10 hari. Masa iya masih harus punya sindrom juga, padahal udah libur 2 tahun?

Briefing pun berjalan lancar. Alhamdulillah koneksi internet hari ini bersahabat. Telecon dengan 5 negara enggak menemui gangguan apapun selain gangguan konsentrasi; karena team leader di ujung sana mukanya mirip banget sama matt damon. Sigh, ... aren't i too old for this hahaha.

Asik-asik kerja, badan tiba-tiba menggigil. Kirain cuma masalah ac aja. Dengan malu hati, dikeluarinlah wind breaker yang biasa dipake naik ojek jadi penghangat tubuh di ruangan itu. Tentunya, ... enggak stylish banget. Warna turquoise gonjreng juga bikin orang nengok dan bertanya "kedinginan???" ... "Bingiiiiiiits" jawab aku.

Jam 4 sore, udah bener-bener enggak tahan lagi. Segera manggil kamen rider kesayangan alias bang iwan ojek yang untungnya, segera datang. Karena enggak tahan dengan dinginnya kantor, akhirnya aku memilih untuk nunggu di halte pinggir jalan aja. Yap, masih dengan pakaian lengkap dong. Udahlah pakai kaos tangan panjang, long vest, plus wind breaker.

Bang Iwan pun ngebut, demi mencapai apotik terdekat dari rumah untuk beli obat. Di kepala yang udah berat banget ini plus ditambah beban helm, udah jelas mau beli apa. Obat dewa aku cuma cefixime dan pantozol.

Begitu sampai apotik, tanpa lepas helm aku langsung lari ke kasir penerimaan resep. Tapi di sana ada bapak tua yang lagi galau memilih obat. Demi rasa hormat karena dia udah datang duluan, aku tunggu dengan sabar. Bapak itu banyak tanya-tanya, salah satunya bertanya tentang obat platogrik. Aku terhenyak. Oh, itu kan obatnya mamah. Dari situ aku langsung menguping.

Rupanya, platogrik terlalu mahal buatnya. Mungkin, harus dikonsumsi jangka panjang jadi harus dipikirkan konsistensinya. Kemudian si bapak bertanya tentang isi, miligram, merk lain, alternatif ini dan itu. Menelfon, konfirmasi ini dan itu, ada kali setengah jam. Sementara kepala udah beraaat banget. Tapi bapak itu mengingatkan sama orang tuaku juga. Mungkin, eh ... pastinya, ini yang terjadi juga sama mereka. Sakit di masa tua, sedih banget rasanya. Harus mengkonsumsi obat jangka panjang yang sudah enggak lagi ditanggung kantor. Enggak terasa tiba-tiba malah jadi nangis. Rasa amarah dan ketidaksabaran tiba-tiba hilang aja gitu.

I was totally sick. I had a fever for 39,6. I felt bad. But I thank god, I did not make myself even worse by getting angry for the old man. Indeed, everyone is facing a battle we don't know.

Just be nice.
Hope I can always be a nice person. A nice daughter.

Anak perempuan antar ayah ke dokter. Rapinya si ayah.

Anak perempuan antar ibu ke dokter. Pakai kaos kaki warna warni. 

Quote

2016 has just begun, I picked up a quote which I believe gonna be my best quote for 2016.

My friend wrote this for his wife on facebook. 

"Do you have band aid? 

My knees scraped falling for you." 

2015.

I had a cheeky life in 2015, and I thank God for that.
Not really peachy, but even if there was hassles; I think I have forgotten all the problems that occurred and managed to get by anyway.

However, the cheeky life can be highlighted in some points:

2015 was the year of finding jewels in high school. 
I met my extracurricular friends and did a reunion. It was funny to have the love story among us finally revealed. great. The reunion went warm and sweet and full of laughter as we came with our kids and acted out like we were still in high school.

Life also happened to let me find my besties, also from high school, back in to a whatsapp group. It happened to be a support system for us. One is a lawyer, one is a fashion designer and a beauty editor, one is an ex banker and is now having her own cakery, one is an odapus volunteer and, ... me. It was great to have so many different point of views when discuss one particular problem. And I realised it once again, that every one is facing a battle we do not know. That my life is much much much luckier than anybody else.

Alhamdulillah.

2015 was the year of holiday. 
Our family had three holidays this year and we managed to take Nini and Aki to two of the journeys. Not a luxurious holiday; but they were enough. Enough to make us happy and recharged.

2015 was the year of trying things I never had before. 
Never came up my mind to watch korean dramas or watch the Twilight saga. I felt ridiculous, but it was not bad afterall. Still downloading more dramas up to this day hahaha.

2015 was the year grieving.
When Luna was about two years old, she starts having undefined fever like... almost every month. Despite of all the good things happened, half of 2015 was spent for being worry as well. We went for doctor hopping and hopefully, gladly, we have found the best one for now.

Malicca lost his eyang too. It was one of the saddest moment in his life that I realized he is such an introvert and sensitive kid.

All in all, 2015 was so humble and content. I think it is good for me to keep the three points for 2016. And to add with: be more productive.

Happy new year, everyone!

Trust.

Never I thought a trust that should be applied to children going to be this big. Not only trust in what they tell us, but more of how we can trust them on things they do not know as well. To believe in the options they make in life. To believe how their body heals and how their emotion to cope things. To believe they will survive with their potentials.

For example, when luna got sick. Many times, I did not believe in her body. To me, lab result is the ultimate thing I can count on. Simply because it is visible and accountable. I ignored how she managed to stay cheerful during high fever; that indicated she was actually doing fine and I did not need to worry much.

And I have learnt that trusting our children is damn hard. Specially in their early years before they reach teenage years. Because somehow, a mother just have that kind of hunch about their kids. The good hunch, and the bad one.

What makes it hard for me to trust them is; when I realize that they might not grow to be someone we imagine, and I get worry. Or when they have preferences that we do not related with, and I will feel uncomfortable. And when they grow bigger and taller and we need to trust the life options they make.

Each day after I think of this trust issue, I spent more and more time to ask myself how deep I have the trust for Titan and La Luna. It got me thinking, though. I still have a loooong way to prepare them to become someone who I can trust their life.

Kangen

Titan flu.
Karena takut tetiba sesak, jadi bobo sama Titan di atas.
Lalu aku pun flu.
Dan aku bermain dengan Luna.
Dan Luna pun flu.
Demi menjaga virus berada pada tempatnya, kami bertiga tidur di atas meninggalkan bubu yang bobo sendirian di bawah. Berhari-hari lamanya.

Bubu kangen Luna. Udah enggak bobo bareng lama banget rasanya.
Pulang kantor bubu cium-cium Luna.
Becanda, ketawa-ketawa.
Enggak lama, Bubu pun bersin-bersin.
Bubu pasang masker.
Bubu flu.

Kita udah mau sembuh dan Bubu flu.
Mencoba sebisa mungkin supaya virus tidak berputar kembali ke siklus awal.
Kita bobo di atas, bubu bobo di bawah.

Halah!
Sembuh ah semuaaa ... sehat sehat sehat!

The hardest part

Ngerasain sakitnya kontraksi 26 jam, checked.
Ngerasain dikhianatin, checked.
Ngerasain ditinggalin, checked.
Ngerasain dibohongin anak sendiri, trust me it hurtssss! (walaupun cuma soal kecil), checked.

Satu momen yang paling susah buat saya, dan mungkin juga para ibu lainnya, adalah memberitakan sebuah kematian pada anak. Apalagi kalau yang meninggal itu tak lain adalah keluarga dekat.

Eyangnya Titan memang sudah agak lama dirawat di rumah sakit. Kita sempat menjenguk beberapa kali. Salah satunya hari kamis itu. Sebuah telfon memberitakan keadaan kritis eyang. Air mata langsung menetes sambil bergumam "Yah, bapak...."

Ternyata, aku kalau lagi panik begitu benar-benar enggak bisa mikir. Totally blank. Segera menelfon taksi dan ke sekolah untuk jemput Titan. Sampai di ruang administrasi pun mata masih basah dan mulut masih terbata-bata memberitakan "Mau jemput Malicca, 2/3 B, family issue. Eyangnya koma."
Petugas administrasi pun langsung berubah air mukanya. Langsung ditelfon sang wali kelas dan saya pun berhambur ke lantai dua untuk segera menjemput. Sampai di ruang kelas, ternyata titan masih sholat.

Di taksi, Titan masih ngoceh panjang kali tinggi kali lebar. Sementara mata udah sembab banget, mau ngomong juga susah. Akhirnya, saya ngomong juga.

Titan, you know that eyang is sick right?
Well, today we are going to see him because his condition got worse. We don't know whether he will survive or not. But we have to be there to see him. To pray for him and to give him a great spirit to live and we need to be ready for the worst. 

Iya, ngomong serius itu emang lebih enak pakai bahasa inggris ya.
Lebih  singkat dan rasanya enggak sakit-sakit amat.

Titan cuma diam. Alih alih dia malah bertanya, kenapa orang menciptakan rokok. Kenapa orang harus merokok. Dan saya malah menjelaskan bagaiman sejarahnya ditemukan teh oleh kaisar Cina. Mungkin, mungkin ya, itu cara kami menutupi kesedihan.

Sesampainya di rumah sakit, Titan langsung sibuk bermain dengan ayahnya. Somehow, tanpa harus dikatakan, mereka  sedang berbagi sedih. Saling berada bersisian tampaknya sudah menjadi semangat besar buat keduanya.

Dua hari kemudian. Berita itu datang.

"Maafin bapak ya. He is in a better place now."

Tidak seperti dua hari yang lalu, kali ini aku enggak bisa nangis. Sibuk memikirkan bagaimana caranya ngasih tau Titan. Kebetulan Titan lagi ngaji, jadi aku punya waktu agak banyak untuk berpikir. Rencananya kami memang mau ke Rumah Sakit lagi sore ini untuk jenguk eyang. Tapi ternyata kami malah harus ke rumah duka.

Setelah ngaji, Titan bersiap-siap untuk mandi. Dia tahu, dia mau pergi ke rumah sakit dan kelihatan enggak sabar. Akhirnya, saya hampiri dia. Mungkin ini saat yang tepat. Buat saya, berada di bawah pancuran yang hangat bisa mengangkat luka dan pedih di hati walaupun sedikit. Jadi saya pikir, mungkin hal ini juga bisa berlaku buat titan. Sambil melucuti bajunya, saya peluk dia kuat-kuat.

"Titan, kita perginya enggak jadi ke rumah sakit tapi ke rumah eyang di depok. Karena eyang sudah  pulang ke rumah. Eyang udah enggak ada, Tan. Eyang sudah meninggal. Titan sabar ya."

Titan cuma mengangguk.

Saya lalu keluar kamar mandi membiarkan dia sendiri.
Kok aneh, responnya cuma gitu aja. Pikir saya.

Lalu kita pun berangkat ke rumah duka. Sampai sana saya ajak titan berdoa. Neni (neneknya) mengajak titan untuk melihat wajah eyang untuk terakhir kalinya. Untuk sesaat, tenggorokan saya tercekat.  Tiba-tiba semua gambar berlari mundur di kepala saya. Untung sahabat kami, Tata dan Patria datang dan saya pun teralih.

Sampai rumah, saya menemani Titan tidur. Hanya kami berdua di kamar. Lalu saya bertanya.
"Kenapa Titan enggak menangis? It's okay to cry. I am sad too."

Seketika itu tangis saya meledak. Juga dia. Kami menangis bersama, berpelukan.
Ada rasa sesal, rasa sedih, dan berjuta ingin yang menyembur dari hati.
Kepala Titan ajrut-ajrutan di dada saya yang memeluknya dengan erat.
Enggak banyak ngomong, kamu berdua cuma menangis.
Setelah itu, titan tampak lebih tenang. Lalu ia tertidur.
Saya buka halaman-halaman buku sketchnya. Terpampang gambar eyang, beserta tanggalnya. Sepertinya, digambar sore tadi selepas mandi.

Detik itu saya menyadari, bahwa titan anak yang introvert.
Jauh dari bayangan saya selama ini, bahwa dia adalah anak yang terbuka dan easy going.

*Peluk Titan*

Bulan november kali ini terlalu basah

The terrible two

La Luna is two years and four months now. Day by day, I am starting to realize how drama queen she has become. Sometimes I got easily ticked off. Sometimes, I pretend being a deaf when she tantrums. Here are some lists.

"The world revolves around me"
This is the first drama of all. When she talks, she will not allow you look at other spot. She would just pull off your jaw so you can see her in the eye. And watch she talks, sings or do something.

"If I am upset, I will make sure your life is miserable too."
She cried and cried and will not let you do your things. She will try harder to make you upset too. Like screaming while stepping on your toe, or throw your things to the trash bin, everything but a peaceful you.

"Everything needs to be done, my way. "
If you get wrong doing it, she would ask you to do it again.
Or, a tantrum.

"If I don't get what I want, so does everyone else. "
She is not getting an ice cream because she is having fever. Then she would grab anyone's ice cream and throw them away.

I wonder whether these things happen to La Luna only, or it is so typical of raising a daughter. Sadly and luckily, these also happen to most moms with daughters. I asked a friend when I will get through this phase. She laughed. Hard. Apparently the drama will always come up. In another form as our daughter grows.

Good God!

"Guys, how can you fall in love with us?"

"Jadi orang tua itu, harus mau repot lho!"

-Dr. Waldi, Spa-

His Facebook status today. Of course, with a story behind it. 

The story of a parent who gave their son homeopathy sedative, because they think their son is hyperactive. Dr. Waldi thinks that the child have so much energy and his parents need to channel it instead of giving him sedatives. 

Jleb moment for me. 

I am too lazy to take Luna for a walk, everyday. 

I am too lazy to take her bounce a ball or ride a tricycle, every afternoon.

I prefer her to squeeze playdough and paint, everyday.

And so I can watch her under aircon, and so I could peep my mobile, and so I could play the music on, and so I don't need to make nonsense conversations with the neighbour. 

Oh, two years and I haven't been a better parent.

Maaf ya Titan, La Luna, bunda janji akan jadi lebih baik.
Dan lebih sabar.
Bear with me. 

The life itself is a magnet, son.

You may not remember this day. May I may too, that is why I choose to write it down for you.
Today, we had a chat on a very early breakfast. 6 am to be exact. So early because you are going for a field trip for your multicultural event.

I told you a story about our neighbour, and elderly grumpy grandpa. I saw him busy trying to hurt a cat with a bamboo. The bamboo got stuck on the bush, instead, he got distracted and tried to get his bamboo back. The cat ran away. As fast as he can.

You laughed hard and you said this.
"You ever told me that when you start your day with whirlwind, you will be upset for the rest of the day. Is it what is going to happen with that grandpa next door?"

"Maybe. I don't know. But yes, I believe that the life itself is magnet. This may not be scientific but I believe it is how our mind works. Your brain grows according to your mind. The nerves get connected one to another. When you think of good things, the good neurons will grow and connected with other good things neurons and they will effect your body then will effect your life."

He looked confused.

"Here is more example about the life itself is a magnet. When you do good to people, people will do good to you right?"

You nodded.

"When you are bad to people, they would do bad things to you too. Or, they do not want to play with you. Or they want to hit you back if you hit them."

"Oh yes, it happens." You responded.

"When you think you cannot do the math, you will not be able to do it."

"Oh, that is what happen to me all day hahahaha" you laughed bitterly.

"Try this. You ride your bike and think you will fall today. I think you will fall from your bike right away."

"Because I keep busy focussing on I might fall."

"Yes, that is right. I think you get the point. So from now on, just think of happy thoughts aja. That you can do things, that you are going places."

"Iya sih."

And he went off to school.