Love

In one starry night,
you and I were sitting in the front terrace of our house.
You turned the lights off,
so we can see the starry sky much clearer.

You had your strawberries.
Yes, you said you like strawberries very much.
But I know,
it is the moment you dipped the strawberry into sugar
is what you liked most.
- I am happy as long as you are happy -

And you started asking me questions.

Bunda, is love fiction?
No, love is real.
But why can't I draw love?
Yes you can, and you did. When you drew for me, that is love. When you drew for aki, nini, ayah, bubu, uwak, that is love. When you drew Cadillac Eldorado, that is love.
You mean love is when I draw a heart?
No, love is something that you are feeling and makes you happy.
I love you, Bunda.

*I suddenly lost my breath and shed a tear*

I am having such a lovable life.
I am having so much love around me, I love them and they love me.
What else in life you expect when you have your love in return?
Though I sometimes forget or deny.
Though I have hurt and got hurt by many people in my life.
God never forgets to remind me over and over that there are so much love around me.

Alhamdulillah.

I love you too, Malicca.  
And I love Bubu too. 
And I love the little lunar that is shining softly in the belly. 

What other things in life you want to ask 

when you have such a loving hubby who cooked you

a warm chocolate melt?

Love you Bubu! 

To Malicca: Thank You

Dear Titan,

Sometimes I think I am the one who cannot live without you.
Sometimes, it is you who is taking care of me very well.
Sometimes, it is you who is not only think about me but do something instead.

Thank you, my son.
I thank you so much.

You might not know this,
but I do love you more than anything or anyone in this world.

One day when I was expecting your little sister / brother and was so exhausted

When you grow up

So much of watching sinetron 'Tukang Bubur Naik Haji' ... you said to me one day
"Nda, ... Titan kalau sudah besar jadi Tukang Bubur aja, yah?"

Thank you for the lovely drawing you always gave me, sayang :)

What he left under my door

... is your drawing for me.
Thank you, baby.

Your drawing has always been my thirst quencher all along :)

I want to be bigger!

Oneday,
when you were nearly six and I held you like a baby.
Yes, I put you in my arms and took you close to my breast. Very close.

"Oh why have you grown so fast?" I held you tighter and tighttttttter.
"I like it when you hold me this way, like a baby." You said.
"Then don't grow up so fast. Please please please stay this way, will you? Do you want to stay this way and stop growing up? So I can hold and hug and cuddle you always?" I asked him while kissing him over and over.
"No no nooo" You replied instantly.
"What? You don't want it?"
"No, I like when you hold me this way, but I want to be bigger!" You said, certainly.
"But why?"
"Because getting bigger is good, Bunda. So I can drive and take you to the office!" You explained your reason.

I smiled.

Malicca,
Grown ups want to get back to their childhood, sometimes.
They miss their school times and school friends, many times.
They miss do stupid things simply because they realize that they are now have grown up.
Often they wish they can play all day, do not have to go to work or need to be responsible of things they'd done or wish they don't have to make big decisions for their life.
They wish they can do anything they want, have milk and cookies before bed without being worry they will gain weight.
They wish for simple things when they were a child.
That when they are sad, they will cry.
That when they got angry to their friend they will have a big fight but the next minute they will play as if nothing ever happened.
That when they're sleepy, they will sleep.
That when they love someone, they just love without asking the same thing back.

Sometimes, grown ups want to be like you, a little child. 

I did not say these to you that day.
I preferred to hold you longer, while you still want it too.
Because I know, you will be bigger and bigger in each day.
And you might not let me hold you this tight ever again.

Yes, you will grow up
and by then you can read this blog.
Thinking of how much I love you.

US

Fiction or non-fiction

One day you made me a story and we had that little discussion.
You think this is non fiction.
But in my opinion, this is a fiction. Just because we don't have any Mercedes, you cannot drive me and we had never gone to the mountain.

:)

What you always want to do ...

... is drive me and take me to the office.
One day, will you?

:)

Malicca, you are my 'malaika'

Malaikat

Malaikatku mungkin tidak sepintar manusia seusianya.

Ia tidak sempurna, dan seringkali berbuat semau-maunya.

Kadang ia berbohong, untuk menutupi kesalahannya.

Atau, hanya karena merasa takut kepada manusia-manusia yang lebih besar dan lebih pintar darinya.

Kadang, apapun pertanyaan yang diajukan kepadanya; ia menjawab "Tidak tahu."

Antara benar-benar tidak tahu atau supaya cepat saja dan tidak ingin berlama-lama ditanya.

Tapi malaikatku selalu ada.

Ia menemaniku di saat-saat susahku.

Di saat-saat sendiriku.

Jemarinya yang mungil pernah menghapus air mataku saat ia tak sengaja meleleh di pipiku.

Bahkan jiwanya yang berani pernah membela seorang wanita tua yang dihardik oleh kakek.

Dan hatinya yang besar, yang tak menyisakan dendam bagaimanapun kami manusia melukainya.

Bagi sebagian manusia, hal yang dilakukan malaikatku hanyalah hal yang biasa.

Saat ini, aku mengandung lagi di dalam rahimku

Dan malaikatku membuktikan sekali lagi bahwa ialah yang paling bahagia menyambut kedatangan saudaranya

Memeluknya saat tidur,

membacakannya cerita,

mengambilkanku tissue saat isi perut tak tertahankan ingin meronta

Dan salahkah jika aku selalu membelanya,

hanya karena aku adalah ibunya?

Suddenly...

There are 9 more rabbits in our house.
Oh, well ....
You can read the complete story here

Hujan malam ini

Rintik yang meniti detik

Titik-titik yang menggenjot tirai malam,

Menyelimuti dunia dengan dinginnya

Dan menggelitik dengan embunnya, titik demi titik

Apa yang paling menyenangkan dari hujan? Untukku, saat bulirnya pertama kali menapak tanah lalu menyerap dan menguap membawa serta bau tanah dan rerumputan. Ingin rasanya mengumpul harumnya dalam botol, menutup lalu mendistilasinya. Akan kuhirup baunya, di suatu saat dimana aku rindu.

Waktu kecil, aku senang bermandi hujan. Berlari dan menari di tengahnya dan menengadah sambil memejam. Terasa bulir-bulir menjatuhi muka lalu perlahan menggelosor ke sela kaos dan celana dalam. Dingin. Satu-satunya cara untuk tetap hangat adalah dengan terus bergerak. Tertawa. Berbecek-becek menyiprat-cipratkan lumpur ke sekeliling. Hingga akhirnya mama memanggil dan menyuruhku mandi. Oh, tidak perlu air panas. Satu lagi yang menjadi kesukaanku. Setelah berhujan-hujan, air bak mandi pasti terasa hangat. Lalu kuguyur tubuh kecilku banyak-banyak.

Kebiasaanku menyambut hujan berubah saat remaja. Kini aku lebih suka menunggunya di teras rumah. Menunggu hujan angin yang kemudian menyapukan butir-butir air lembut ke wajahku. Lalu aku akan memejam, merasakan bajuku yang mulai lembab. Kemudian kuyup. Lalu kembali aku mandi dan menggelung di dalam selimut.

Satu dekade kemudian, aku lebih suka menyambut hujan dengan seseorang. Berdansa di tengahnya sambil mendengarkan musik kecil dari benang-benang putih yang merasuki telinga. Lalu aku akan mengalungkan tanganku ke lehernya dan menunggunya menciumku. Atau, aku menciumnya. Tak masalah.

Stop. Tidak pernah kejadian.

Pertama, karena tidak ada yang rela iPodnya kehujanan.

Ke dua, karena malu dilihat orang.

Ke tiga, takut ketagihan.

Heran betapa cepat aku menua. Karena kali ini, di usia ini, di malam ini, di detik ini, yang aku inginkan di saat hujan malam ini adalah bercerita. Kepada mereka, mahluk-mahluk kecil yang tak berdosa. Yang akan bergelung, berpasang-pasang kaki saling menumpang dan menindih dalam satu selimut besar bermotif kotak-kotak dan terbuat dari kain flannel. Lalu aku bercerita, tentang aku, tentang kakek nenek mereka, tentang kamu, tentang mereka, tentang mengapa kita semua di sini. Tentang apa saja.

Itu yang kuinginkan untuk hujan malam ini.

Have faith

Whoever found the phrase "as easy as 1, 2, 3 or a, b, c"... he or she is wrong.

Teaching how to write, to read and counting, are not easy. Let alone of the stress when we know other kids in her / his age, already read aloud. But don't ever let them put you in despair. Have a faith, that every kid has their own phase.

It took me a big fight with my conservative environment who could not stop asking my son "You are five, can you read yet?" or "Can you count to a hundred?" or "One plus one equals to?"

My son being my son, he only shrug his shoulder and leave.

My argument those days would be "When he starts reading is not important, what important is what his readings are."

Well, you can guess that my argument was not enough.

It is the era of child oriented learning based. If we take a mirror and see our reflection, seriously, do you feel satisfied with the way you brought up? the way you learn things at school? do you realize their future would be way harder than us? Do you realize our kids will live in a world we don't know? And if we, as parents, don't know how the world would be in the future, don't you think the best  we can do now is to guide our kids to know herself? Know her potential, limitation and what her wants. 

The next question would be "Then why would you push her to learn she is not ready yet?"

Up to this moment, I am still amazed of how kid's brain works. They absorb almost everything and suddenly they connect them altogether one day. Without you even realized it.

That suddenly, they become bilingual.

That suddenly, they do the addition.

That suddenly, they drew you a comic.

That suddenly, they give you a letter with your name on it.

Don't ever lose the faith that kids have their own phase.

Instead of you pushing them do things you or the environment wish him to do,

you'd better get shape; so you will be ready at anytime.

Sneakily picked up a book. Enid Blyton's today

Picked The Giving Tree before bed

And suddenly, mommy got lots of love letters

The book of fourteenth

Quite draggy, but it was 

getting interesting after having it half read.

"What makes life is hell and hell is hellish, is expectation." 

- Maddy Spencer, 13 y.o, the hell newbie -

Nighttime

The night is so calm. I can only hear the screeching sound of grasshoppers and my rabbit nibbling her last carrot. I am sitting in the backyard, underneath the big mango tree that is delivering its last batch harvest for the year. From in between its branches, I can peep the moon in a funny shape. Beaming its light in the highly polluted vague sky of the city.

Nighttime is magical. It is when all the toys in Nutcracker came alive. It is when Cinderella’s golden carriage turned into pumpkin. It is when people dancing or running in their dreams. The night has its own magical language to unveil what was hidden during the sun.

I am not a fan boy of zombie. Or Dracula. Or vampires. I am a fan boy of the moon. I am amazed of her devotion in watching people from above. She painted people’s character on the endless landscape of night sky. She goes everywhere we go. She is such a beauty.

I love nighttime. For me, nighttime is the best time to write. Just like tonight. My fingers are dancing on the keyboard and are trying to avoid the cursor to move backward. It has been a while since I last wrote. Not because I don’t have things to ponder, in contrary, there are too much things going on inside me. You know, those come and go thoughts that leave traces you cannot erase.

I am thinking about time. How it flies when we look at our children. How we want to get back when we see our parents. How it rolls up when we see people in our shoes and we will be on theirs the next time we never know. How it can be so expensive yet we need to chunk the time and give it to different occasion everyday (specially for a working mom). How we wish the time could wait. How we wish the time could forgive rather than forget.

Nighttime, and the clock busily ticking; knitting codes of what would be offered by daytime.

She makes me laugh

Me:
Jadi ya ... Titan udah punya pacar belum?

Titan:
Dimana? di sekolah yang sekarang?

Me:
Iya.

Titan:
Kalau di sekolah yang sekarang, enggak ada. Di sekolah dulu tuh ada.

Me:
Siapa?

Titan:
Ada, namanya Putri Yogi.

Me:
O, ya? Ah, bunda pernah denger sih ... masih ya sama yang itu? Emang kenapa sih suka banget sama Putri Yogi?

Titan:
She's funny bunda. She makes me laugh.

Me:
kok bisa?

Titan:
Iya. Abis Putri kalo pake bedak tuh belepotan mukanya. Jadi lucu.

Me:
Oalaaaah

Titan:
Iya, jadinya Titan ketawa kalo ngeliat. Kalau di sekolah yang sekarang, engga ada yang belepotan bedaknya, jadi enggak ada yang bikin Titan ketawa.

Me:
*Dalam hati* ... ya ampun ... jadi semua orang tuh sama yah. Udah fitrah kalau kita pengen pendamping yang bikin kita bahagia. Makasih ya Titan udah ngajarin Bunda :)

Mango Float

For another potluck party in the office.

And like any other potluck I attended in my previous office, 

mango float is my signature. 

Peep the recipe here

Black Hole

Don't let the name fool you. Black hole is anything but the empty space. 

It is a super-massive star that goes off, loses its gravity and falls to the end of nowhere. 

It sucks everything around it. 

It is pitch black, not ever a light can get through. 

It wiped off its trace, then it is gone.

Have you ever feel being like the dead star?

On a one fine day, you suddenly lost your gravity and fall to the deepest ground. 

Being sucked and sucks everything around you. 

So deep you will lost your breath and falls deeper and deeper and deeper.

You go down under to the bottomless you don't know where you are, what to do, what to feel.

Fading out.

To me, black hole comes in a form of a test pack.