My invisible spine














Me and my mom are on the left side of the photo. 
I think this is when i was about 9 years old.

To tell you the truth, my mom is a person who shed the least tears over me. She sheds tears over many things, but yeah … she shed least tears for me; her one and only daughter as well as her youngest child.

She did not cry when I married. But I did.

She did not cry when I was dying (*ha! A hyperbolic term) giving birth to Titan. But I did.

She did not even bother to cry when I gave her all of my first salary when I was twenty one. But I did.

I made my first poem for her on the mother’s day when I was five. And I was too embarrassed to give the poem myself. So, I just put it on my mom’s drawer and took a peep. She found out. She opened the envelope, read the poem, put it back into the drawer and said nothing. I was the one who cried that day.

Once in my childhood, I was very angry. And I yelled at my mom “I want to leave this house!” and my mom calmly said “If it is what you want, then just go.” I was very surprised listened to what she said. And to buy more time, I asked her to help me to break my piggy bank. But she rejected to help me. She said “If you want some money, I will give you but don’t break the piggy bank.” Aha! I got the reason to stay, I mumbled to myself. Then I threw tantrums over the piggy bank instead.

And I can still remember when my mom and dad left us for a month. And she handled me the money for all the things we needed, and I was about eleven years old. While my biggest brother was … eighteen! I thought that she was unfair!

Many times I got cried because my brothers teased me over and over. As I reached my mom for a help, she would just say “Which part of you that is hurt?” and I said “Nothing”. And she replied “Then do not cry. Tease them back. A girl has to have a ‘meat’ mentality. I don’t take ‘tofu’ ones.”

And I remember when I was about eight years old. There was no maid at that time, and I was having my exam week. I saw that she was frustrated and tired, but I did not do anything to help her but studying. And she mad at me. But then I replied, “What do you want me to do?! You said you wanted me to study!” And I could perfectly remember that she just stood still and stared at me. Then she knelt down and hugged me. And she looked at my eyes and said “I am sorry.” She did not cry at all,… but I did.

My mom was very tough on me, her one and only daughter. She taught me how to be strong and family’s happiness is way beyond her own happiness that might have long forgotten. She is a great mother. Her hugs and words that give me strength.

Now, I am also a mother. And now it is my mom’s turn to cry a lot over silly simple things, just like I did. But thankfully she has made me tougher than before: I don’t shed a tear in front of her.
Thank you, Mom!

Oh yeah, I remember now. She did last cry over me was about ten years ago, when I called her to tell that I have graduated my academy.

©wulliewullie.blogspot.com

Be careful of what you wish for

When I was a little girl, I love to watch Star Trek. Yup, Data was my favorite character. Despite of his John Cusack look alike, Data is a quiet, naïve and nice guy. Having watched Star Trek too much after school, it drove me to a wish of having such an ability they had, to be able to transform myself to other part of the world. Will we really be able to do that someday?

What if we actually … can!

What if, we are actually living in chaotic wires where you hardly know which one is dream or which one is real? When what you are dreaming is real and what you see now is what you dreamed about.

What if, there is no such a thing as past, present or future. All is present continuous tense.

What if life is just a parallel world and we are jumping in and out of the channels. It’s like tuning a radio. When the weather is good, all is well. Good songs, nice presenter, bright and clear on your ear. But when the weather is bad, it’s hard to tune the right frequency. You feel so confident with the frequency of your favorite channels, but it seems that today is just not an ordinary day. Noises are what you hear, and you just want to shut the radio down. And you did shut it down, but somehow the noises keeps coming even the cord has been unplugged.

If it happens, if it is how the universe works, we might never have a rest then. Even when we are sleeping, we are just entering other channels. We are just changing our frequency. We are just switching to another side of life where we will meet monsters we hate, or in reverse, where we will meet the most beautiful creatures we love to see.

And back to my wish of having an idea to transport myself, I guess I have to thank a friend for his birthday text a year back then. He said “Happy birthday dear friend, be careful of what you wish for cause it might come true.”
I don’t want people to look at me like a fool, when I said
“I think I have been here. Wait, … was it real or was it a dream?”
Or,
“See, I told you so! Uhm .. wait, did I tell you literally or did I tell you in my dream?”
Then I would shut my mouth up and think. And I could not figure out, was it real or dream? Then slowly I start to lose my faith. In me.

what are you made of?

L’oreal . Bodyshop . Dettol . Dove . ROC . Carex . Snowman drawing pen . Faber Castle pencils. Boxy black erasers . Philips . Panasonic . Samsung . Sony . SonyEricsson . La Germania . Electrolux . Nikon . Sennheiser . Telkomsel . Esia . Hewlet Packard . Golla bag . Estetiderma . Himalayan Herbals night cream . Elle & Vire . Cheesedale . La Vache Qui Rit . Susu Ultra . Japanese Mayo (the baby logo) . ELC . Mothercare . Sebamed . Johnson's & Johnson's . Davidoff cool water . Eternity for Men . Kenzo Flower . Benetton Clean Fresh . Bath & Body Works . Rexona for men . Honda . Antiplaque . Paseo . Wetkins . Rotelli . Charles & Keith . Olbas . Reebok . Casio . Seiko . Tag Heuer . Sing-sing ramen . Tefal . Bank Niaga . Levi’s . Teh Upet . Susu Bendera . Kenalog . Ruffles chips . Pringles . Silver Queen . Lindt . Kinder . Fererro Rocher . Fanta . Ikan asin gabus . My mom's sambal . Sprite . Lemon squash . Mojito . Gillette . Pepsodent sensitive toothbrush . Citibank . Lyra art supplies . Ranch Market . Superindo . Lily flowers . Satire . self-designed furnitures . Raindrops . Rainbow . Blogger . Firefox . Google engine . Google mail . Google docs . Google reader . Mitsushiba . Cotton candy . BreadTalk . Sari Roti . Sushi Tei . Blitz . The KooP . U2 . Cinnabar . Bach Minuet in G major . Learn to love with my father . Learn to survive with my mother . Learning life with my son . Forgetful . Ajo Ramon . Glockenspiel . Sunny side-up float in the swimming pool . Night swimming . Yahoo!Messenger . Hugs . Gramedia . Kinokuniya . Aksara . Perspective illiterate . Cylindrical eyes . Prefer yogurt than ice cream . No such a thing as sweet green tea . Caramel . Moscatto . Home made crepes . White . Eyes . Eyebrows . Yamaha . Stradivarius . Blanket . Hoodie . Blythe . Constellations . iTunes . iPod . Studio Ghibli . Sweet dreams . Nightmares . Astraphobia . Wizard of Oz . Write . Gibran . Neil Gaiman . Enid Blyton . Lemony Snicket . Tears . Laugh . Love . You . These are what I am made of . So far .

Love, ... once again












*smiling ....
Maybe like most arians do, I fall in love everyday
I fall in love with the way my son tickles my back
I fall in love with the sun beams that give a blush on my cheek and boost my day with its warmth
I fall in love with the morning dew, softly touch my tongue as i lick the leaf
I fall in love with the cottony sky
I fall in love with the rain drops and how the wind cares my eyelashes
I fall in love with rainbows, i want to shoot its lovely colors to my veins
I fall in love with my depictions of yours
I fall in love with the feeling you gave me
I fall in love with your whispers; they sing me lullaby and hug me tight all through the night
I fall in love of how you'll never let me go
I fall in love of how you tickle
I fall in love of how you chuckle
I fall in love with the white shadows than enlighten my darkest nightmare
I fall in love every time I open my eyes, and I see you in my heart
I fall in love with the crushing sound of my broken heart; for I have fallen with my version of you 
I fall in love with you my love
I fall in love with love

Anggur terbaik di dunia

Botol anggur merah di hadapanku tiga perempat kosong. Seperempatnya sebentar lagi akan masuk ke kerongkongan dan merayapi saluran cerna sampai akhirnya menyerap dan bersatu dengan detak. Detak dalam detik yang menggelitik otak hingga membuatku mabuk.

Lalu kamu hanya tertawa. Kamu bilang, anggur tidak akan membuatku mabuk.

Siapa bilang aku mabuk anggur? Aku mabuk kamu! Kataku. Tentunya, dalam hati.

Anggur itu minuman para dewa. Mereka yang membuatnya, bukan manusia. Tidak ada yang tahu apa yang terjadi setelah anggur-anggur itu ditutup dan dibiarkan tanpa usaha. Hingga akhirnya berbagai rasa tercipta dan terasa begitu nikmat saat ia menyentuh ujung bibirmu. Katamu.

Kudengarkan kata-katamu dengan telingaku. Tapi tidak dengan pikiranku. Karena manusia-manusia kecil di dalam kepalaku lebih berani untuk mandiri dan menentukan sikap mereka. Dan kali ini, mereka memutuskan untuk sibuk dengan dunianya sendiri.

Tapi … dewa? Bagiku semuanya justru sangat humanis. Karena membuat anggur itu sama dengan menyimpan perasaanku untuk kamu. Kupetik, dan kusimpan bertahun-tahun. Aku tutup rapat, dan tak pernah kubiarkan alkoholnya bocor ke udara. Hingga saatnya tiba, ia akan meletup dengan sendirinya. Memberi hawa yang membuatmu terlena dan efeknya sama memabukkannya.

Kamu masih terus bicara. Sampai akhirnya kamu berkata. Ah, anggur ini telah membuatmu mengantuk. Oh, berapa kali harus aku bilang. Aku tidak mengantuk. Aku mabuk. Aku mabuk kamu! Kataku. Tentunya, dalam hati.

Tapi kamu tidak akan percaya kalau aku mabuk. Karena menurut kamu, anggur itu tidak memabukkan. Ya, kan? Kamu memang tidak pernah percaya aku. Tapi aku percaya kamu telah kembali. Dan kamu membawa anggur merah yang terbaik di dunia. Untuk aku. Darah yang mengalir dalam nadimu.

©wulliewullie.blogspot.com

L.O.V.E















Entering my thirty-first’s round revolving the sun. Of all the things I have to learn about finding out the answers of God’s riddles, there is one subject who has been on top of my list, needs to be cracked: LOVE. Whether it is about the love itself, how I love and how to be loved.


Love is like the same, old, classic subject and I have been taking the class over and over, but I had never understood the lesson behind it. This is my most favorite subject but again, I failed over and over. This is the class I always wait for, for it gives me the thrilling sense of listening to the teacher, digest them inside my brain, seed them to my heart and I can’t hardly wait for some lab experiment making love potions. And this is the only subject i wish there never be assignments. But come to think of it, this is the lesson that is always put to the test. Mostly, without prior notice.


I have no idea what love is. I even want to tell my son “Son, this is the lesson I can’t teach you and you need to learn yourself.” And I might have ever lost my hope on love, and I might have felt that love is merely a concept and over-rated. All I know, so far, is when you love someone; you do something about it. Let alone of finding my true love.


But then I learned that love is not only about how I think of it. Yes, love is about feeling. You can’t really describe what love is or why you love someone. You cannot think what you feel, for your glossary of words can never be sufficient enough to describe what you are feeling. Then I learned that love comes in many forms. Through hatreds, envy, jealousy, anger, or sometimes comes in an even more descent package of attention, companion, comforts and good conversations.


I learned Love is about to see (with your heart), the people around who loves you. How they want you to be happy and how they tried hard for your happiness, and how they expect you always to be happy. And this is the biggest bless from The Almighty which I am grateful with. I always surrounded by people who loves me. And they are the people who gave me the strength to face this cruel world. And they are my form of love.


I learned that ... feelings will find their way.


And in my thirty first’s round of revolving the sun, none of my love is lessen. It has been topping up, from time to time. Thank you, and I always love you. Being 31, … I love it so far.


©wulliewullie.blogspot.com
hari ini,
satu harapan hinggap di pangkuan. 

life is in your hand
































i'd just really understood the term "Life is in your hand" when i accidentally tangled with this rubik. one little flaw that needed a HUGE courage to fix it.

rubik is about a process to put things together to get what we (thought) we wanted. what we (thought) we expected. what we (thought) we had in mind ... and so is life.

many times, it is hard for us to mess up everything we have done. 1, 2, 3, 4 , 5 and on. and then we become compromise of little mistake. little flaws. but if we eager to take risk to destroy everything, we might have a bigger change to be succeed. which hopefully, perfect.

if only life is not also about people around, those you love, ... i think it would be wonderful to play around with your life. checkered with trial and error, on and on until you finally found what you are looking for. and then you will die, right before you can enjoy your victory.

but that's life, i guess. it is always about other people. it is a matter of how we can steal a little chunk of the pie to enjoy ourself. pieces of crumbs that really made your day :)

namaste, life!

©wulliewullie.blogspot.com
in one of those days
when rain is pouring hard

in one of those days
when mouth is so mute, and head is so aloud

in one of those day
when tires hit the ground, is the only thing that make a sound

©wulliewullie.blogspot.com

autumn

The sun has just taken a rest from its longest journey
Ashamedly hiding behind the golden drapery
And as your silhouette lengthen
Shadows of the past appear in mosaic pattern

I am looking at the sky
But all I see is the falling leaves
Like puzzles in thousands of pieces
Falling down to its places

Many people passing by
Why it’s only you who says goodbye
Is it because you will be back someday
With a love bigger than today

A cup of coffee in my hand
Will I drink it, will I not
Cause its getting cold
And I am getting old

©wulliewullie.blogspot.com

Embun Pagi














Pagi yang dingin. Dan batang-batang syaraf di otakku yang setengah beku terbata-bata berbisik kepada tungkai leherku supaya memutar posisinya; supaya kedua bola mataku tak perlu berputar demi menyapa jendela bisu di sampingku. Dia memang bisu, tapi kebisuan selalu bisa menyatakan kesungguhan. Dan benar saja. Kulihat barisan rerumputan yang menampakkan kesungguhan mereka hari ini: menolak upacara penyambutan menyongsong mentari. Bersama dengan embun pagi, mereka saling berdekatan merapatkan barisan. Berhimpitan dan bertindihan; merungkut dan menggelayut di setiap ujung rumput.

Perlahan, jariku bergerak lalu mampir ke bibir kaca yang bisu. Kupejamkan mata dan membiarkan jariku menari, merasakan setiap dingin dan kebekuan di ujung jari. Tak ingin berhenti, hingga kemudian kudengar gema kesunyiannya yang mengalun indah di telinga. Kudekatkan bibirku. Dan kubiarkan ia menyecap tetes embun yang mengkerayapi kebisuan. Dinginnya tak tertahankan, seperti bunga es yang menutupi ujung-ujung syaraf lidah dan membuatnya patah. Hingga tak mampu lagi ia merangkai kata-kata; bahkan yang paling sederhana. Aku menarik nafas panjang. Kata-kata penggambar rasa memang tak pernah sederhana.

Dan pikiranku yang setengah beku pun mencoba untuk merangkak ke belakang, menghinggapi langit semalam yang penuh kesedihan. Sedari senja langit telah menurunkan tirai gelapnya dan seketika itu pula tiba-tiba panggung banjir air mata. Tak ada lagi sandiwara. Tak ada lagi tepuk tangan, meninggalkan penonton-penonton yang menggigil kedinginan. Hingga akhirnya fajar menjelang dan bayang kaki pun menjenjang.

Pagi ini, tak nampak bunga bakung yang biasanya menebar wangi. Tak terlihat cericit burung yang sibuk bernyanyi. Tak muncul pula rama-rama yang sibuk menyedot madu muda kembang tetangga. Tak banyak yang bisa kulihat hari ini, pandanganku terhalang tirai kabut putih yang tebal. Bukan, ... warna kabut bukan putih; tapi pedih. Karena ke arah sana kamu pergi.

Dengan berat, deru nafasku yang hangat mulai menghapus jejak tari jemari. Dan perlahan-lahan tirai pun menggulung, menyisakan kabut tipis yang membubung lalu lenyap ditelan hari. Dan saat itulah mataku terbuka.

Selamat pagi.

©wulliewullie.blogspot.com

Answers Unquestioned














If someday you ask me a question about life
I can say you don’t have to wait until next time
Cause I can answer it now

If you someday ask me a question about love
Let me whisper in your ear a thing you don’t want to hear
And I can whisper it right here

That I do not know
And will never know
‘Cause it’s your life, and it’s your love
It’s you and only you to decide

If I answer it differently
It will only be a lie
And if I answer it properly
Would it lessen why?

No, that is not what I think
Cause life keeps changing
Where inconsistency is a thing
That makes you a living

If you ask me about life in question
I would ask you back in gently:
What’s with answers unquestioned?

For Titan, my satelite

©wulliewullie.blogspot.com

running in circle











i’m running in circle
being my own spectacle
as well as the spectator
spinning over and over

i’m running in circle
the world of twist and twirl
swiveling, revolving like a never end
submerging myself to the deepest lane

hello and goodbye
forward and backward
am and pm
resemble as the same

© www.wulliewullie.blogspot.com
what's with limit? either you jump it over or back off. ... and the math is fucking easy.

a possible hero















It was a cold night. I raced against thunder in the dark, heading home. The rain busily cheering us and didn’t care at all who would win as long as she could cheer out her repressed feelings. It was 2 am and the night was freezing and mute. There was only me and my wandering mind. As I reached the fence of my house, I saw someone was standing beneath an umbrella. I could not believe my eyes, for I thought it was only my imagination of a ghost people talked about. But hey, he moved as he noticed it was my car that was coming. He opened up the fence so I could get in. As I passed the man, the foggy window pane gave me a silhouette of someone I know. It was my father, shivering in the cold rainy night just to open up the fence for me at 2 o’clock in the morning.

That night was about ten years ago, when I was in my early days of working in advertising industry.

And it was not for the first, or the last time. He still does. Even now I’m thirty, married with one kid; he has always been the one who last stands for me. Literally, physically, and emotionally. When everyone pulls themselves back on me because of my stubbornness, he is the even more stubborn person I know who understand me. I might be hate him sometimes, but I love him most of the times. He is the closest person yet a stranger for me.

My father is a mean and strict figure. He never knew his mom; she died when he was two. He was meant to be a pilot. But when he was about to finish his 600 hours flight-hours to graduate, he quit and joined the police academy (no, not the one on the movie). I never know why he decided a major maneuver at that time. But my guess is that his passion in fishing pushed him to make the decision, and however led him to be the best police-water officer I ever knew.

My father is not a great father. But I can say he is a capable one. And that is what I love about him. He never gives me what I want. He gives me what I need. He is the one who introduced me new things in life. He taught me how to swim and intentionally drown me down the pool just to show me one fact that I needed to know how it feels to be drowning in order to be a good swimmer. He taught me math ‘till I slept away in front of the whiteboard. He taught me how to pray. He taught me how to read Qur’an and listened to every word I pronounced. He told me stories before bed (although he made it up his own and most of them were not interesting). He guided me to pray when I fell off from my bed and cried. He taught me to ride a bike, to drive (with hands on 10 and 2 o’clock position), he introduced me to champagne and smoke when I was in kindergarten (this is why I don’t really drink and I totally don’t smoke), he brought us Penthouse, Playboy and Hustler and let us read and know about porn right in front of his eyes, he is the one who taught me to keep my promise (and I still learn about it), he is the one who taught me to do anything I want as long as it is still in my capacity, he is the one who told me that cheating on exam is fine, he taught me not to ask for something but rather give something, he personally asked me to take care of myself by not getting pregnant before marriage, he made me a strong girl (yet a mushy ones), he let me fall and get up by myself, he taught me about passion in life: that we should have at least one thing we love to do the most; so we will not be lonesome in the future. And he surely got one: FISHING! Now i know why he quit flying and choose diving instead ;p

I do not believe in superhero, but to me my father is a possible hero. Maybe because he never try to be great, instead he always try to be capable. His birthday is around the corner. 64. What would be the best present?

© www.wulliewullie.blogspot.com

Photography by Lilya, www.kembangbakung.wordpress.com

what's in my bag today?












Just another bags!
colorful make-up bag, black flowery sanitary napkins bag, korean painting wallet, eye glasses, vitamin e, wet tissue and a BB kid spray cologne (kiwi & mellon scent. Pretty handy, since i left my laptop, sennheiser earphone and various chargers at home :)

Bintang Jatuh

Aku ingin terbang, itulah mengapa aku tak habisnya mencinta bintang. Setiap malam aku hanya bisa menatap tanpa pernah bisa menyapa. Inginkah kamu mengenal bahasanya? Kelip yang disampaikan satu bintang begitu jelas hingga dijawab bintang lain di semesta jagat. Terkadang tabir halus di angkasa pun bermurah hati, membiarkanku melihat mereka menari membentuk satu konstelasi.

Dan saat itu, aku tidak peduli lagi apa itu surga. Tentang sungai susu yang mengalir, tentang tujuh puluh bidadari perawan yang menunggu untuk digilir. Aku tak peduli. Aku mungkin tak percaya. Di sini, Aku sedang menemukan surgaku. Di bawah bentang bintang yang bercakap riang. Dan saat tabir gelap memutuskan untuk menjadi begitu pekat, aku hanya mampu menggeliat dan berharap ini hanyalah satu dari ribuan malam yang tak perlu diingat.

Aku bukan malaikat. Aku tidak punya sayap lebar yang siap mengantarku ke langit ke tujuh. Dan doaku tak sepanjang untaian asmaNYA yang tak henti dilafalkan semesta. Tapi aku selalu ingin tahu bagaimana rasanya di atas sana. Dan selalu berharap satu bintang akan menjelma.

* * *

Suaraku habis. Setiap pekik membuatku tercekik hingga mataku mendelik. Tak pakai ancang-ancang, tiba-tiba aku menderu kencang. Membelah langit dengan wajah sengit. Hanya awan-awan lembut itu yang menyambut, dan merekalah yang menyapu kalut.

Aku terjatuh.

* * *

Aku tak percaya. Satu bintang menjelma dan ia memanggilku Bunda.

* * *

Aku takut. Aku bergelimang dalam kalut. Aku asing. Aku pusing. Aku panik. Aku menangis sampai tenggorokanku tercekik. Siapa dia yang sedang memelukku? Bola matanya begitu kecil, namun bayangan di permukaannya yang bening terlihat begitu besar. Aku tidak tahu apa yang terjadi. Aku tidak mengenal itu dan ini. Namun ia berjanji untuk mengajari, di suatu saat nanti.

* * *

“Selamat tidur Titan”
©wulliewullie.blogspot.com

Malam

malam tak begitu panjang, dan aku berjalan pelan
di tengah jalan, ternyata kita bersisian
dan masing-masing wajah tak berpaling dari tujuan
aku tidak pernah tahu,
apakah kita mengarah ke titik yang sama.
dan begitu juga kamu.

sayang.

Berserah atau Menyerah?

  Qur'an Surat Maryam: 6 يَّرِثُنِيْ وَيَرِثُ مِنْ اٰلِ يَعْقُوْبَ وَاجْعَلْهُ رَبِّ رَضِيًّا  ۝٦ yaritsunî wa yaritsu min âli ya‘qûba w...