hari ini,
satu mimpi terbang untuk menemukan jalannya.
Embun Pagi
Pagi yang dingin. Dan batang-batang syaraf di otakku yang setengah beku terbata-bata berbisik kepada tungkai leherku supaya memutar posisinya; supaya kedua bola mataku tak perlu berputar demi menyapa jendela bisu di sampingku. Dia memang bisu, tapi kebisuan selalu bisa menyatakan kesungguhan. Dan benar saja. Kulihat barisan rerumputan yang menampakkan kesungguhan mereka hari ini: menolak upacara penyambutan menyongsong mentari. Bersama dengan embun pagi, mereka saling berdekatan merapatkan barisan. Berhimpitan dan bertindihan; merungkut dan menggelayut di setiap ujung rumput.
Perlahan, jariku bergerak lalu mampir ke bibir kaca yang bisu. Kupejamkan mata dan membiarkan jariku menari, merasakan setiap dingin dan kebekuan di ujung jari. Tak ingin berhenti, hingga kemudian kudengar gema kesunyiannya yang mengalun indah di telinga. Kudekatkan bibirku. Dan kubiarkan ia menyecap tetes embun yang mengkerayapi kebisuan. Dinginnya tak tertahankan, seperti bunga es yang menutupi ujung-ujung syaraf lidah dan membuatnya patah. Hingga tak mampu lagi ia merangkai kata-kata; bahkan yang paling sederhana. Aku menarik nafas panjang. Kata-kata penggambar rasa memang tak pernah sederhana.
Dan pikiranku yang setengah beku pun mencoba untuk merangkak ke belakang, menghinggapi langit semalam yang penuh kesedihan. Sedari senja langit telah menurunkan tirai gelapnya dan seketika itu pula tiba-tiba panggung banjir air mata. Tak ada lagi sandiwara. Tak ada lagi tepuk tangan, meninggalkan penonton-penonton yang menggigil kedinginan. Hingga akhirnya fajar menjelang dan bayang kaki pun menjenjang.
Pagi ini, tak nampak bunga bakung yang biasanya menebar wangi. Tak terlihat cericit burung yang sibuk bernyanyi. Tak muncul pula rama-rama yang sibuk menyedot madu muda kembang tetangga. Tak banyak yang bisa kulihat hari ini, pandanganku terhalang tirai kabut putih yang tebal. Bukan, ... warna kabut bukan putih; tapi pedih. Karena ke arah sana kamu pergi.
Dengan berat, deru nafasku yang hangat mulai menghapus jejak tari jemari. Dan perlahan-lahan tirai pun menggulung, menyisakan kabut tipis yang membubung lalu lenyap ditelan hari. Dan saat itulah mataku terbuka.
Selamat pagi.
©wulliewullie.blogspot.com
Answers Unquestioned
If someday you ask me a question about life
I can say you don’t have to wait until next time
Cause I can answer it now
If you someday ask me a question about love
Let me whisper in your ear a thing you don’t want to hear
And I can whisper it right here
That I do not know
And will never know
‘Cause it’s your life, and it’s your love
It’s you and only you to decide
If I answer it differently
It will only be a lie
And if I answer it properly
Would it lessen why?
No, that is not what I think
Cause life keeps changing
Where inconsistency is a thing
That makes you a living
If you ask me about life in question
I would ask you back in gently:
What’s with answers unquestioned?
For Titan, my satelite
©wulliewullie.blogspot.com
running in circle
i’m running in circle
being my own spectacle
as well as the spectator
spinning over and over
i’m running in circle
the world of twist and twirl
swiveling, revolving like a never end
submerging myself to the deepest lane
hello and goodbye
forward and backward
am and pm
resemble as the same
© www.wulliewullie.blogspot.com
a possible hero
It was a cold night. I raced against thunder in the dark, heading home. The rain busily cheering us and didn’t care at all who would win as long as she could cheer out her repressed feelings. It was 2 am and the night was freezing and mute. There was only me and my wandering mind. As I reached the fence of my house, I saw someone was standing beneath an umbrella. I could not believe my eyes, for I thought it was only my imagination of a ghost people talked about. But hey, he moved as he noticed it was my car that was coming. He opened up the fence so I could get in. As I passed the man, the foggy window pane gave me a silhouette of someone I know. It was my father, shivering in the cold rainy night just to open up the fence for me at 2 o’clock in the morning.
That night was about ten years ago, when I was in my early days of working in advertising industry.
And it was not for the first, or the last time. He still does. Even now I’m thirty, married with one kid; he has always been the one who last stands for me. Literally, physically, and emotionally. When everyone pulls themselves back on me because of my stubbornness, he is the even more stubborn person I know who understand me. I might be hate him sometimes, but I love him most of the times. He is the closest person yet a stranger for me.
My father is a mean and strict figure. He never knew his mom; she died when he was two. He was meant to be a pilot. But when he was about to finish his 600 hours flight-hours to graduate, he quit and joined the police academy (no, not the one on the movie). I never know why he decided a major maneuver at that time. But my guess is that his passion in fishing pushed him to make the decision, and however led him to be the best police-water officer I ever knew.
My father is not a great father. But I can say he is a capable one. And that is what I love about him. He never gives me what I want. He gives me what I need. He is the one who introduced me new things in life. He taught me how to swim and intentionally drown me down the pool just to show me one fact that I needed to know how it feels to be drowning in order to be a good swimmer. He taught me math ‘till I slept away in front of the whiteboard. He taught me how to pray. He taught me how to read Qur’an and listened to every word I pronounced. He told me stories before bed (although he made it up his own and most of them were not interesting). He guided me to pray when I fell off from my bed and cried. He taught me to ride a bike, to drive (with hands on 10 and 2 o’clock position), he introduced me to champagne and smoke when I was in kindergarten (this is why I don’t really drink and I totally don’t smoke), he brought us Penthouse, Playboy and Hustler and let us read and know about porn right in front of his eyes, he is the one who taught me to keep my promise (and I still learn about it), he is the one who taught me to do anything I want as long as it is still in my capacity, he is the one who told me that cheating on exam is fine, he taught me not to ask for something but rather give something, he personally asked me to take care of myself by not getting pregnant before marriage, he made me a strong girl (yet a mushy ones), he let me fall and get up by myself, he taught me about passion in life: that we should have at least one thing we love to do the most; so we will not be lonesome in the future. And he surely got one: FISHING! Now i know why he quit flying and choose diving instead ;p
I do not believe in superhero, but to me my father is a possible hero. Maybe because he never try to be great, instead he always try to be capable. His birthday is around the corner. 64. What would be the best present?
© www.wulliewullie.blogspot.com
Photography by Lilya, www.kembangbakung.wordpress.com
what's in my bag today?
Just another bags!
colorful make-up bag, black flowery sanitary napkins bag, korean painting wallet, eye glasses, vitamin e, wet tissue and a BB kid spray cologne (kiwi & mellon scent. Pretty handy, since i left my laptop, sennheiser earphone and various chargers at home :)
Bintang Jatuh
Aku ingin terbang, itulah mengapa aku tak habisnya mencinta bintang. Setiap malam aku hanya bisa menatap tanpa pernah bisa menyapa. Inginkah kamu mengenal bahasanya? Kelip yang disampaikan satu bintang begitu jelas hingga dijawab bintang lain di semesta jagat. Terkadang tabir halus di angkasa pun bermurah hati, membiarkanku melihat mereka menari membentuk satu konstelasi.
Dan saat itu, aku tidak peduli lagi apa itu surga. Tentang sungai susu yang mengalir, tentang tujuh puluh bidadari perawan yang menunggu untuk digilir. Aku tak peduli. Aku mungkin tak percaya. Di sini, Aku sedang menemukan surgaku. Di bawah bentang bintang yang bercakap riang. Dan saat tabir gelap memutuskan untuk menjadi begitu pekat, aku hanya mampu menggeliat dan berharap ini hanyalah satu dari ribuan malam yang tak perlu diingat.
Aku bukan malaikat. Aku tidak punya sayap lebar yang siap mengantarku ke langit ke tujuh. Dan doaku tak sepanjang untaian asmaNYA yang tak henti dilafalkan semesta. Tapi aku selalu ingin tahu bagaimana rasanya di atas sana. Dan selalu berharap satu bintang akan menjelma.
* * *
Suaraku habis. Setiap pekik membuatku tercekik hingga mataku mendelik. Tak pakai ancang-ancang, tiba-tiba aku menderu kencang. Membelah langit dengan wajah sengit. Hanya awan-awan lembut itu yang menyambut, dan merekalah yang menyapu kalut.
Aku terjatuh.
* * *
Aku tak percaya. Satu bintang menjelma dan ia memanggilku Bunda.
* * *
Aku takut. Aku bergelimang dalam kalut. Aku asing. Aku pusing. Aku panik. Aku menangis sampai tenggorokanku tercekik. Siapa dia yang sedang memelukku? Bola matanya begitu kecil, namun bayangan di permukaannya yang bening terlihat begitu besar. Aku tidak tahu apa yang terjadi. Aku tidak mengenal itu dan ini. Namun ia berjanji untuk mengajari, di suatu saat nanti.
* * *
“Selamat tidur Titan”
©wulliewullie.blogspot.com
Dan saat itu, aku tidak peduli lagi apa itu surga. Tentang sungai susu yang mengalir, tentang tujuh puluh bidadari perawan yang menunggu untuk digilir. Aku tak peduli. Aku mungkin tak percaya. Di sini, Aku sedang menemukan surgaku. Di bawah bentang bintang yang bercakap riang. Dan saat tabir gelap memutuskan untuk menjadi begitu pekat, aku hanya mampu menggeliat dan berharap ini hanyalah satu dari ribuan malam yang tak perlu diingat.
Aku bukan malaikat. Aku tidak punya sayap lebar yang siap mengantarku ke langit ke tujuh. Dan doaku tak sepanjang untaian asmaNYA yang tak henti dilafalkan semesta. Tapi aku selalu ingin tahu bagaimana rasanya di atas sana. Dan selalu berharap satu bintang akan menjelma.
* * *
Suaraku habis. Setiap pekik membuatku tercekik hingga mataku mendelik. Tak pakai ancang-ancang, tiba-tiba aku menderu kencang. Membelah langit dengan wajah sengit. Hanya awan-awan lembut itu yang menyambut, dan merekalah yang menyapu kalut.
Aku terjatuh.
* * *
Aku tak percaya. Satu bintang menjelma dan ia memanggilku Bunda.
* * *
Aku takut. Aku bergelimang dalam kalut. Aku asing. Aku pusing. Aku panik. Aku menangis sampai tenggorokanku tercekik. Siapa dia yang sedang memelukku? Bola matanya begitu kecil, namun bayangan di permukaannya yang bening terlihat begitu besar. Aku tidak tahu apa yang terjadi. Aku tidak mengenal itu dan ini. Namun ia berjanji untuk mengajari, di suatu saat nanti.
* * *
“Selamat tidur Titan”
©wulliewullie.blogspot.com
Malam
malam tak begitu panjang, dan aku berjalan pelan
di tengah jalan, ternyata kita bersisian
dan masing-masing wajah tak berpaling dari tujuan
aku tidak pernah tahu,
apakah kita mengarah ke titik yang sama.
dan begitu juga kamu.
sayang.
di tengah jalan, ternyata kita bersisian
dan masing-masing wajah tak berpaling dari tujuan
aku tidak pernah tahu,
apakah kita mengarah ke titik yang sama.
dan begitu juga kamu.
sayang.
aku
aku ingin menjadi debu
yang melayang di udara dan menyatu dengan bintang di langit biru
sehingga saat kamu merindu, kamu hanya perlu memegang nadimu dan melihat kerlipku bersama dengan kerlip ribuan bintang di langit yang membentang.
dan aku akan datang.
untuk titan, aku mencintaimu dengan segenap hidupku. juga matiku.
23:30
yang melayang di udara dan menyatu dengan bintang di langit biru
sehingga saat kamu merindu, kamu hanya perlu memegang nadimu dan melihat kerlipku bersama dengan kerlip ribuan bintang di langit yang membentang.
dan aku akan datang.
untuk titan, aku mencintaimu dengan segenap hidupku. juga matiku.
23:30
when my alter ego speaks upon me.
She says:
"It is okay.
When you do not know what is happening, when you do not know what to do. And when you do know what to do, you know it is something hard to do. A never easy thing has bigger chance to fail, so it is okay for you to be afraid.
And it is okay to feel confuse, because you do not know whether the universe is doing something for you or not. You are very not sure, and that is why you keep questioning.
Do walk, do not run.
Stop running. Do walk. When you are running, your mind, physic and mental are working at the same time. Your body is breathing fast and heavy. Your mind is screaming and screaming only about the destination. You don’t care about beautiful trees and chirping birds surround you. You hardly see small stone that might stumbles you off. You might lose a chance to greet a stranger. You just do not care about what is happening inside your physical body. You ignore your heart beat and the bitter sweats that dehydrate you. You don’t care you got tired. You just want to go there. At the soonest! Then what? Your life does not stop at the point you thought it would. Because your life, feelings and your wandering mind can never stop. They would love, probably. But they can’t. So why bother to run? Or running away?
If things are meant to be yours, they would wait. If the feeling is so strong, it will find the way. No, not you who will find the way. But the feeling itself. But if you are not patient enough to wait, well it is perfectly fine too.
Let go.
Let go of what you want from others. Let go your expectation. Let go of what you want to have and once you ever had. Let go the feeling to control. Feel what you are feeling. Even if it doesn’t stay, be grateful of the moment you had and be open-hearted of not having it again right now. Real things are what you need to have, not the memories. Not the expectation.
Hold on.
To yourself. And get focus about yourself and people or things that make you happy. People or things that motivate you and give you positivity in life. But if you do not have them, … it is fine. You will find them somehow. Embrace the loneliness. The emptiness. The wrongs. Your limitations. Your nemesis deep in you. You have broken. You are nothing but merely pieces. Checkered by failures and stupidities. Blindness. There. Embrace yourself.
Stop.
Stop thinking about the second might come. Stop thinking about the definition of what you are feeling. They are just labels. You cannot think what you are feeling. Just … feel. And admit it.
Stop doing things you don’t want. Stop doing things you don’t know. But if you can’t stop, it’s okay. Do not forget to forgive yourself.
Stay.
Stay where ever you are now. Stay the feeling. And if you are not sure about it, let yourself taste the feeling but do not do anything about it until the right time come. And when is it? When you know. And you will.
Remember.
To do things for yourself. Not for others. Not for us. Be good and take care of yourself. So you can have back your flashy wings to fly."
©www.wulliewullie.blogspot.com
Kabut kalut
Perempuan itu bersidekap, memeluk erat lututnya di depan perapian. Pandangan di keping jendela di belakangnya mengabur terhalang tirai kabut yang menggelayut. Tubuhnya begitu dekat dengan perapian. Mencari hangat. Begitu dekat hingga lidah-lidah api itu hampir menjilat. Ia menunduk dalam-dalam dan mengayunkankan tubuhnya. Ke depan lalu ke belakang. Terus dan terus, seperti ayunan pikiran-pikiran yang tak rela berhenti bermain di kepalanya.
Seprai belacu putih yang menutupi tubuhnya pun luruh mempeloroti punggungnya. Punggung yang kekar, dengan buku-buku tulang tengkuk yang bersembulan. Benjol seperti bayang rembulan di perempat bulan. Dan tersingkaplah pundaknya yang lebar, tempat bersandarnya lelaki-lelaki pelancong yang tak mengerti arah pulang. Lelaki-lelaki renta semangat dan rentan angin malam yang acapkali menerpa di waktu malam.
Dingin. Tubuhnya mengisut seiring angin malam yang tak ampun menghantam tubuhnya. Darah beku sebeku hati terperangkap di dalam pembuluh-pembuluh yang tak lagi lentur. Lidahnya kaku. Bibirnya kelu hingga tak mampu lagi menyecap hangatnya liur lelaki yang tak henti menciumi bibirnya. Lalu pundaknya. Lalu punggungnya.
Menerawang, perempuan itu bertanya lirih. “Apa yang sebenarnya sedang terjadi?”
Belum sempat lelaki itu menjawab, perempuan itu menyambung kata-katanya, “… diantara kita?”
Dan lelaki itu menghela nafas panjang dan menyandarkan dagunya di bahu jenjang perempuan itu dan mempererat pelukannya. Matanya menerobos ke sela-sela lidah api yang menjilat ganas. Lidah-lidah api yang menunggunya di ujung kehidupan. Yang akan memanggangnya hidup-hidup sampai ia mati lalu hidup lagi. Dan mati lagi. Matang bersaus dosa.
Seketika mata lelaki itu mencembung, dan lunturlah air matanya. Terseok-seok di pipinya, menghapus semua nafsunya. Dan saat itu, luruhlah tirai-tirai di sekeliling berganti dengan kobaran api yang menggelora menari-nari dan perlahan menjilati tubuhnya.
“Ampun, Tuhan.” Isak dia sambil berbisik lirih.
Sementar itu, si perempuan terdiam. Tak lama, menjelmalah lelaki di hadapannya menjadi seorang anak laki-laki yang menunduk ketakutan. Wajahnya pias. Rambutnya kusut. Matanya yang bulat dan bening berteriak betapa takutnya ia akan apa yang telah dilakukannya. Seperti pencuri tak siap dihukum mati. Mulutnya menganga dan ia terisak tanpa suara. Habis ditelan dosa.
Perempuan itu, dengan hati beku namun tubuhnya penuh dengan kehangatan. Ia beringsut menghampiri anak lelaki di hadapannya. Memegang dagunya dan menatap matanya. Mata mereka pun kini beradu. Saling bercermin di beningnya bola mata yang basah. Menatap dalam-dalam hingga tenggelam. Jauh ke dalam. Sampai kaki mereka tak mampu lagi meliar mencari pijak. Lelah. Pasrah. Menyerah. Dan saat itulah, mereka berbagi nafas yang tersisa.
Tiba-tiba perempuan dingin itu memecah kebekuannya sendiri. Dengan lembut ia berkata, “Kita hanya jatuh cinta. Begitu sederhana.” Lalu dipeluknya si anak sambil terus mengayun. Ke depan lalu ke belakang. Lama-kelamaan lidah-lidah api di perapian itu pun menjelma menjadi sulur-sulur cantik yang menggelepar, lalu pecah menjadi ribuan kupu-kupu. Terbang ke luar jendela melalui celah kecil di dinding yang tak kasat mata.
“Cinta, akan selalu menemukan jalannya. Kalau memang kamu percaya. Dan kalau memang itu betul-betul cinta.” Katanya.
Anak kecil itu mendongak dan hendak menjawab. Tapi segera perempuan itu mendekapnya hangat dan menutup bibirnya dengan jarinya. “Psssst … tidak usah berkata apa-apa. Setiap jengkal dinding ini sudah terlalu sesak dengan guratan rasa dan kata yang pernah kita pahatkan. Kasihan, jangan lagi bebankan ia dengan asa. Sudah. Cukup”
“Tapi ….” Suara anak itu tercekat.
“Aku tahu.” Kata si perempuan memotong kata-kata anak lelaki. “Kamu takut? Aku juga. Tapi kamu harus tahu, di setiap rasa takut hadir sebuah harapan.” Kata perempuan itu sambil mengangkat tangannya ke hadapan si anak lelaki. Dan seekor kupu-kupu putih hinggap di jari tangannya.
“Itulah kenapa kita masih di sini.” Katanya seraya membelai sayap si kupu-kupu.
©www.wulliewullie.blogspot.com
Seprai belacu putih yang menutupi tubuhnya pun luruh mempeloroti punggungnya. Punggung yang kekar, dengan buku-buku tulang tengkuk yang bersembulan. Benjol seperti bayang rembulan di perempat bulan. Dan tersingkaplah pundaknya yang lebar, tempat bersandarnya lelaki-lelaki pelancong yang tak mengerti arah pulang. Lelaki-lelaki renta semangat dan rentan angin malam yang acapkali menerpa di waktu malam.
Dingin. Tubuhnya mengisut seiring angin malam yang tak ampun menghantam tubuhnya. Darah beku sebeku hati terperangkap di dalam pembuluh-pembuluh yang tak lagi lentur. Lidahnya kaku. Bibirnya kelu hingga tak mampu lagi menyecap hangatnya liur lelaki yang tak henti menciumi bibirnya. Lalu pundaknya. Lalu punggungnya.
Menerawang, perempuan itu bertanya lirih. “Apa yang sebenarnya sedang terjadi?”
Belum sempat lelaki itu menjawab, perempuan itu menyambung kata-katanya, “… diantara kita?”
Dan lelaki itu menghela nafas panjang dan menyandarkan dagunya di bahu jenjang perempuan itu dan mempererat pelukannya. Matanya menerobos ke sela-sela lidah api yang menjilat ganas. Lidah-lidah api yang menunggunya di ujung kehidupan. Yang akan memanggangnya hidup-hidup sampai ia mati lalu hidup lagi. Dan mati lagi. Matang bersaus dosa.
Seketika mata lelaki itu mencembung, dan lunturlah air matanya. Terseok-seok di pipinya, menghapus semua nafsunya. Dan saat itu, luruhlah tirai-tirai di sekeliling berganti dengan kobaran api yang menggelora menari-nari dan perlahan menjilati tubuhnya.
“Ampun, Tuhan.” Isak dia sambil berbisik lirih.
Sementar itu, si perempuan terdiam. Tak lama, menjelmalah lelaki di hadapannya menjadi seorang anak laki-laki yang menunduk ketakutan. Wajahnya pias. Rambutnya kusut. Matanya yang bulat dan bening berteriak betapa takutnya ia akan apa yang telah dilakukannya. Seperti pencuri tak siap dihukum mati. Mulutnya menganga dan ia terisak tanpa suara. Habis ditelan dosa.
Perempuan itu, dengan hati beku namun tubuhnya penuh dengan kehangatan. Ia beringsut menghampiri anak lelaki di hadapannya. Memegang dagunya dan menatap matanya. Mata mereka pun kini beradu. Saling bercermin di beningnya bola mata yang basah. Menatap dalam-dalam hingga tenggelam. Jauh ke dalam. Sampai kaki mereka tak mampu lagi meliar mencari pijak. Lelah. Pasrah. Menyerah. Dan saat itulah, mereka berbagi nafas yang tersisa.
Tiba-tiba perempuan dingin itu memecah kebekuannya sendiri. Dengan lembut ia berkata, “Kita hanya jatuh cinta. Begitu sederhana.” Lalu dipeluknya si anak sambil terus mengayun. Ke depan lalu ke belakang. Lama-kelamaan lidah-lidah api di perapian itu pun menjelma menjadi sulur-sulur cantik yang menggelepar, lalu pecah menjadi ribuan kupu-kupu. Terbang ke luar jendela melalui celah kecil di dinding yang tak kasat mata.
“Cinta, akan selalu menemukan jalannya. Kalau memang kamu percaya. Dan kalau memang itu betul-betul cinta.” Katanya.
Anak kecil itu mendongak dan hendak menjawab. Tapi segera perempuan itu mendekapnya hangat dan menutup bibirnya dengan jarinya. “Psssst … tidak usah berkata apa-apa. Setiap jengkal dinding ini sudah terlalu sesak dengan guratan rasa dan kata yang pernah kita pahatkan. Kasihan, jangan lagi bebankan ia dengan asa. Sudah. Cukup”
“Tapi ….” Suara anak itu tercekat.
“Aku tahu.” Kata si perempuan memotong kata-kata anak lelaki. “Kamu takut? Aku juga. Tapi kamu harus tahu, di setiap rasa takut hadir sebuah harapan.” Kata perempuan itu sambil mengangkat tangannya ke hadapan si anak lelaki. Dan seekor kupu-kupu putih hinggap di jari tangannya.
“Itulah kenapa kita masih di sini.” Katanya seraya membelai sayap si kupu-kupu.
©www.wulliewullie.blogspot.com
Happiness
A dearly friend was having a birthday yesterday. And she spent most of the day pampering herself. Did a massage, bought a pair of jeans and bangles, but I am very sure what matter the most was she enjoyed herself of being 29.
And at the same day, I surrendered myself getting trapped in a bookstore I always love: Kinokuniya, while the rain was pouring hard. There I was, sitting on the floor facing hundreds of books in hobby and craft section with Bono banging my ears. It has been a very long time since I had my Kinokuniya time. The last time I remembered was … maybe eight years ago.
“Happiness is a word for a feeling. Feelings are rarely understood; in a moment they are quickly forgotten and misremembered.” – Dr. Henry Carter, Shrink movie.
Yes, I most of the times lost in things I thought would make me happy. And it turns out, that I was not really happy after all. Instead, a simple thing like being alone for a while and got drown in the ocean of words could really made my day. And I just simply forgot that. Because I have been very busy misremembering things I thought would make me happier.
What is happiness?
Is it true that we will be happy if we know what we want?
Or will we be happy if we manage to differentiate our needs and wants? And which one will make us happier, when we got what we want or when we got our needs fulfilled?
After a journey to my past, I found out that for me; happiness is when I can embrace myself, little me and my alter ego (yes, those are the angels and nemesis deep in me) together. And is when I can forgive myself of not knowing what is happening or what to do.
Happy birthday, Ruri :) Though the first step toward happiness is always the hardest, I know you can do it.
And at the same day, I surrendered myself getting trapped in a bookstore I always love: Kinokuniya, while the rain was pouring hard. There I was, sitting on the floor facing hundreds of books in hobby and craft section with Bono banging my ears. It has been a very long time since I had my Kinokuniya time. The last time I remembered was … maybe eight years ago.
“Happiness is a word for a feeling. Feelings are rarely understood; in a moment they are quickly forgotten and misremembered.” – Dr. Henry Carter, Shrink movie.
Yes, I most of the times lost in things I thought would make me happy. And it turns out, that I was not really happy after all. Instead, a simple thing like being alone for a while and got drown in the ocean of words could really made my day. And I just simply forgot that. Because I have been very busy misremembering things I thought would make me happier.
What is happiness?
Is it true that we will be happy if we know what we want?
Or will we be happy if we manage to differentiate our needs and wants? And which one will make us happier, when we got what we want or when we got our needs fulfilled?
After a journey to my past, I found out that for me; happiness is when I can embrace myself, little me and my alter ego (yes, those are the angels and nemesis deep in me) together. And is when I can forgive myself of not knowing what is happening or what to do.
Happy birthday, Ruri :) Though the first step toward happiness is always the hardest, I know you can do it.
an epilog to my journey
There I was, flying in between the clouds. With my two hands that were so tiny to bear the huge clouds. Clouds that used to be white and light as cotton, it became dark and swollen. It was almost raining. Then I stopped flying for a little while and enjoyed the scenery while floating in the air.
In a point of your life, when you just don’t know what to do, all you need is just admitting. And amazingly, the bulky swollen dark clouds started rearranged themselves into thin layers. It was thinner and thinner until I finally saw the clearer sky.
There I was with a beautiful stranger. Tanned skin, brownish shoulder-length hair, his hazel eyes greeted me. The sand beach sprinkle on his cheek gave a little spark for my day. In one word, he was an olive. We chat, we laughed under the starry sky and lulled by the whisper of the wave. No judgments, no assumptions, no demands, no expectation. For we thought we would never meet again in the other day. We just cherished the day we met and be grateful of what we had. Period. Sometimes, or many times if I may say, a stranger can really be your true friend.
The word ‘stranger’ is somewhat beautiful. If only I knew that I have always been a stranger everyday, I would never be afraid to always find the new me. For it will give me the strength to admit who I was and what I have done wrong. If only I knew the person I love has always been a stranger in everyday, I would never feel tired to know more about the new him/her in every single day. For the first time in my life, I realized that being inconsistent is good.
There I was, got drown in the wild ocean. Looking for a help but no one was there. When I got choked. When I lost my breath. When I felt I had enough. When I would rather die. But it did not kill me, anyway. It only made my lungs stronger to breathe more volume of the air. I have learnt that I need to scream louder. I have also learnt that I was my own savior and will always be. And I realized the wave that drowned me, was the one that pushed me up to the surface. Many times, it is a disaster or those people you hate that saved you.
May the positive energy stays in me and the people I love.
Anantara Seminyak, 2009.
In a point of your life, when you just don’t know what to do, all you need is just admitting. And amazingly, the bulky swollen dark clouds started rearranged themselves into thin layers. It was thinner and thinner until I finally saw the clearer sky.
There I was with a beautiful stranger. Tanned skin, brownish shoulder-length hair, his hazel eyes greeted me. The sand beach sprinkle on his cheek gave a little spark for my day. In one word, he was an olive. We chat, we laughed under the starry sky and lulled by the whisper of the wave. No judgments, no assumptions, no demands, no expectation. For we thought we would never meet again in the other day. We just cherished the day we met and be grateful of what we had. Period. Sometimes, or many times if I may say, a stranger can really be your true friend.
The word ‘stranger’ is somewhat beautiful. If only I knew that I have always been a stranger everyday, I would never be afraid to always find the new me. For it will give me the strength to admit who I was and what I have done wrong. If only I knew the person I love has always been a stranger in everyday, I would never feel tired to know more about the new him/her in every single day. For the first time in my life, I realized that being inconsistent is good.
There I was, got drown in the wild ocean. Looking for a help but no one was there. When I got choked. When I lost my breath. When I felt I had enough. When I would rather die. But it did not kill me, anyway. It only made my lungs stronger to breathe more volume of the air. I have learnt that I need to scream louder. I have also learnt that I was my own savior and will always be. And I realized the wave that drowned me, was the one that pushed me up to the surface. Many times, it is a disaster or those people you hate that saved you.
May the positive energy stays in me and the people I love.
Anantara Seminyak, 2009.
1212 greetings from bali
Mereka
saat mata sudah tenggelam,
ada orang-orang yang baru saja menyongsong harinya.
- Anantara, untuk pesawat yang baru saja lepas landas di merah jingga surya -
912 greetings from bali
"
itukah kenapa Tuhan memberiku rasa?
agar aku tak melulu bertanya kenapa dan bagaimana?
"
-Anantara, amongst the sips of Bali Colada-
itukah kenapa Tuhan memberiku rasa?
agar aku tak melulu bertanya kenapa dan bagaimana?
"
-Anantara, amongst the sips of Bali Colada-
812 greetings from bali
Matahari di Anantara
(aku pikir)
hari yang biasa
dimana ia telah selesai menempuh perjalanannya
dengan mata yang melorot, menyentuh ujung senja
(aku pikir)
hari yang biasa.
(aku rasa)
tidak.
di sini, hari ini,
di tempat yang sama
tapi dengan rasa yang berbeda
saat berada di titik akhir, aku berpikir bagaimana semua berawal
saat hari berkumpul, bergumul, meluncur tak beratur serta tak lagi mampu diatur dan aku, kamu, dia, dan mereka menjadi satu dalam hari. kita bertemu, bersinggungan dan bergandengan. kenapa hari ini? kenapa tidak hari kemarin? kamu. dia. mereka. aku. seringkali semua membuatku meronta. tapi lebih seringnya, … membuatku lupa.
(aku pikir)
hari yang biasa.
(aku rasa)
tidak.
tiga puluh kali aku mengelilingi matahari. tapi tak penuhnya aku mengerti diri, hingga detik ini. mungkin nanti, saat ragaku berganti dengan yang lain lagi. itulah kenapa Tuhan memberiku rasa? hingga aku tak hanya bertanya kenapa dan bagaimana?
(aku pikir)
hari yang biasa.
(aku rasa)
tidak.
seperti yang selalu digariskan, hari ini berbeda dengan hari kemarin. dan hari manapun. sama asingnya dengan hari-hari sebelum dan sesudahnya. seandainya aku tahu aku bisa selalu belajar dari keasingan di hadapanku, tak akan lelahnya aku ingin mengenalmu. karena aku dan kamu tak pernah sama, tapi bukan berarti kita selalu berbeda. dan kita bertemu lagi. bersinggungan lagi, bergandengan lagi sampai tiba waktunya. lagi.
(aku pikir)
hari yang biasa.
(aku rasa)
tidak.
saat mata menyentuh ujung senja dan hari telah hilang, menyisakan garis jelas berupa keyakinan dan harapan yang selalu menjadi bayang. maka ia pun pulang. mengepakkan sayap ke garis awan. kadang lelah, kadang patah, kadang menyerah. kadang cahaya kemarin lebih terang dari hari ini. dan esok, tak pernah memberi janji. tapi ia tahu, hari tak boleh berhenti. karena dia percaya, akan selalu ada cahaya yang membangunkannya esok hari.
(aku pikir)
hari yang biasa.
(aku rasa)
tidak.
a prologue to my journey
funny. what a funny life. no matter how hard I tried ( I mean it when i wrote the 'hard' part), this is the journey I have to bear alone.
Even at the last minutes of the departure, when i still try (even harder).
in life or death, we are all gonna be alone.
and this is my first flight alone, to go to somewhere I do not know what I'm looking for.
viva la vida is banging my ear, as the plane took off its ground.
and I laughed.
gracias ala vida.
thanks to life.
what have I not experienced in my year of 30.
i felt so rich.
i have experienced a life full of love.
and full of those people around who loves me.
thank you God.
i know I always be the one who always have my fear deep in me: to be alone.
but I knew somehow, also deep in me, I always have the courage to always try.
the plane took off its ground.
giving me a beautiful scenery of the cottony clouds.
and I was looking at my own tiny hands.
can i bear these?
and the clowds slowly rearranged themselves.
spreading into thin layers, .. clear thin layers.
that is life.
when you stop rebelling, took out yourself from the satanic circle and just be an observer for a while.
forgetting of what you want, of what you are expecting, of your judgements.
there.
there.
you will see much clearer though.
'walking after you' is banging my ear now.
i know, someone will always be walking after me.
- in between the clouds, 06:50 -
Colorblind - counting crows
I am color...blind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am
taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am.... fine
I am fine
ps: Rio, thank you for the song!
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am
taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am.... fine
I am fine
ps: Rio, thank you for the song!
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Qur'an Surat Maryam: 6 يَّرِثُنِيْ وَيَرِثُ مِنْ اٰلِ يَعْقُوْبَ وَاجْعَلْهُ رَبِّ رَضِيًّا ٦ yaritsunî wa yaritsu min âli ya‘qûba w...
