45

 How is it like to be a 45 years old? 

Well, 

I have been a 45 for 8 straight days and I keep delaying writing this blog, just to have more time to think about what 45 really means. 

Is it about the willing of no fear and be able to do anything I want? At least that what came to my thought as I woke up early in the morning that day. "I am 45 now, ... I think I can say and do whatever I want now. " Then what, bequeathing all the responsibilities to someone else? Ha ha ha 

Then I am thinking about how life is about the conclusion, the situation we are in when we die. Oh yeah, surely not ready. 

Then that particular moment has become a whole day, 

and a day after, 

and another day after, 

more days, 

up to this day. 

My 45 has become the early days of worrying about the future. It feels the time flies too fast, my eldest is now going to a university, my youngest is now has become a fully grown woman (physically) with all the whir wind, typhonic mood, ... and I feel lonely. 

As I tried to escape to some peers of mind, I have also realized that everyone is busy with their life. Its like 40s are about money. Some peers are crazy about preparing more and more income basket and been trying hard to catch up the shine she missed a few years back. As for the other is busy trying to get money with the least effort she could do. Another one is still busy preparing the champions of her life. 

Being zen in this hustle bustle life is such an effort. 

The buzzing in my mind are just too loud to shut.

Have I taken the wrong path? Have I mistakenly led my children so that they don't have any acknowledgements? 

45 is indeed to take a step back and to go back to the almighty. 

But why is it so challenging?