Happy 45th Me!

 How is it like to be a 45 years old? 


Well, 

I have been a 45 for 8 straight days and I keep delaying writing this blog, just to have more time to think about what 45 really means. 

Is it about the willing of no fear and be able to do anything I want? At least that what came to my thought as I woke up early in the morning that day. "I am 45 now, ... I think I can say and do whatever I want now. " Then what, bequeathing all the responsibilities to someone else? Ha ha ha 

Then I am thinking about how life is about the conclusion, the situation we are in when we die. Oh yeah, surely not ready. 

Then that particular moment has become a whole day, 

and a day after, 

and another day after, 

more days, 

up to this day. 

My 45 has become the early days of worrying about the future. It feels the time flies too fast, my eldest is now going to a university, my youngest is now has become a fully grown woman (physically) with all the whir wind, typhonic mood, ... and I feel lonely. 

As I tried to escape to some peers of mind, I have also realized that everyone is busy with their life. Its like 40s are about money. Some peers are crazy about preparing more and more income basket and been trying hard to catch up the shine she missed a few years back. As for the other is busy trying to get money with the least effort she could do. Another one is still busy preparing the champions of her life. 

Being zen in this hustle bustle life is such an effort. 

The buzzing in my mind are just too loud to shut.

Have I taken the wrong path? Have I mistakenly led my children so that they don't have any acknowledgements? 

45 is indeed to take a step back and to go back to the almighty. 

But why is it so challenging?  

What do you wish for

As Bi asih was burried into her grave, 
I saw Oom Mumu's eyes with dried tears and lips pushed down his jaw
to undescribeable sadness. 

He witnessed his sons and in laws 
burried her deeper: his one and only wife 
as his love will be forever flying around him. 

I saw him prayed for her from afar, 
and somehow I'm praying for myself too. 

Ya Allah, berikan aku seorang suami yang bisa mengantarku ke liang lahat dengan syariatmu. menyolatkanku, memandikanku, menerima tubuhku di dalam sana dan meyusun bebatuan di punggungku. Seorang suami yang bisa membawaku menuju gerbang surgamu, dan mempertemukanku kembali dengannya di kehidupan akhiratku. 

Aamin, Allahumma Aamin. 


BEING FORTY: Maret untuk Bapak

Bapak,
how are you up there? it has been a while.

Pak,
begitu banyak kejadian yang menimpa bumi sepeninggalnya bapak.
Mulai Monas digundulin, tahun baru yang dihiasi banjir, sampai harga masker per boxnya bisa mencapai jutaan gegara pandemik virus Cofid-19 di Wuhan.

Setelah beberapa bulan, akhirnya virus itu sampai juga ke Indonesia.
Yang diumumin Jokowi sih, ada 2 penderita domisilinya di Depok.
(Ngomong-ngomong ya Pak, presiden junjungan kita di periode lalu itu; sekarang kuring banget deh. Aneh bangeeeeeet, jatuhnya jadi sama aja seperti orang-orang aji mumpung yang berada di pemerintahan. Apalagi kombo sama Anies yg jadi gubernur ... aduh aduh aduh!)

Pak,
kalau bapak masih ada, Bapak pasti bingung deh kalau ke Superindo sekarang-sekarang ini.
Sampai nyari jahe dan bawang bombai aja susah lho, Pak. Semua diborong. Apalagi yang berbau antiseptik, sampe alkohol 70% aja bisa habis! Anehnya, tissue antiseptik merk Dettol kok masih banyak, ... apa karena ada tulisannya NO ALCOHOL ?

Gitulah, Pak
Sepeninggalnya Bapak, manusia nggak jauh berubah.
Ya sama aja, atau mungkin jadi lebih buruk.
Kalau bapak bisa lihat kita di sini dari atas sana,
pasti lagi geleng-geleng kepala ngeliat kelakuan kita
Pasti bapak gemes pengen bilang
"Oooooooy, di sini semua itu gak penting!"

Bapak sehat-sehat ya, di sana
Jangan punya anak perempuan lain ya di sana
Uwy aja
Insya Allah kita ketemu lagi di sana ya, Pak

Miss You!

BEING FORTY: Mimpi di hari ke-116

hari ke dua,
hari ke tiga,
hari ke sekian puluh,
bertanya-tanya kenapa bapak ngga juga datang ke dalam mimpi

entah kenapa juga seperti harus didatangi, ya?

kadang terbersit rasa ingin tahu gimana di sana,
sering juga bertanya apa ada pesan-pesan yang belum tersampaikan
(ini tipikal orang indonesia ya, dan aku emang orang indonesia ternyata)
ha ha ha

dan hari itu; luna sudah beberapa hari demam tinggi
jam dua tiga puluh dini hari, datanglah aki

*pintu belakang membuka

Nnnaaaaa, ...
Nnnaaaaa, ...
Nna sakit apa?

Ia datang memakai baju putih,
baju koko yang biasa dia pakai ke masjid depan
di mimpi itu aku tersadar, bahwa aki sudah tidak ada
tapi tak peduli kupeluk dan kucium, tapi nampaknya ia tidak peduli
karena segera mendekati si kecil yang terbaring dengan handuk kompres.

Nna sakit apa?
Ah, ini sih bentar lagi juga sehat bisa sekolah lagi
Nna sholat dong,
Kalau Nna sholat sekarang, nanti sholatnya pasti lebih banyak dari aki

Dan aku terbangun.
Merindu dalam gelap.

Besoknya Luna sembuh.
Dan lusa kembali ke sekolah.

BEING FORTY: gegar part

Foto yang menjadi latar belakang blog (pada saat ini), diambil di suatu malam di hari-hari pertama saya bergabung bersama Romp. Tak lain daripada sebuah advertising agency, industri dimana saya selama puluhan tahun ini berkutat untuk menghidupi keluarga (semoga berkah), membangun pertemanan (semoga pertemanan baik) dan berkarya (semoga, dan ini yang paling saya takutkan, dapat berguna).

Sebuah headphone full-ear, lampu yang bercahaya dan 1 pot tumbuhan dari Ikea ternyata cukup menggambarkan suasana hati, at least saat posting ini ditulis ya. Suasana hati dan kepala yang sedang gegar dengan bakti dan guna saya terhadap kehidupan.

Asumsi saya, ini semua karena bidang pekerjaan saya yang sifatnya sagatlah artificial dan materialistik. lalu, sempat diri ini mempertanyakan, apakah bidang ini masih relevan dengan saya dan ke depannya nanti.

Di sebuah pagi yang indah, saat saya dalam perjalanan menuju kantor, tentunya dengan semangat yang hilang selama beberapa hari ini, dan juga dengan sikap mengabaikan hampir semua email update tentang pekerjaan dan deck-deck presentasi yang harus saya cek, tiba-tiba ada notifikasi email masuk. Oh, dari siapa ya? Wah, ternyata dari Pak Bos. Sosok yang walau juga lebih tua dari saya, masih tetap memiliki sihir di industri ini.

Email itu berjudul Food for Thoughts. Nah, ini dia! Kapan ya terakhir kali kepala ini dikasih makan?
Ternyata isinya adalah sebuah artikel yang diambil dari sebuah website berbayar (Creative Review) yang selalu ada di angan-angan saya untuk subscribe - tapi nggak pernah kejadian (eh, kaya pernah denger di tempat lain juga ya hahaha). Begini isi artikelnya:

What to do if your job makes you unhappy
By  07/10/2019
We all have bad days at work – but what should you do if your job is making you miserable? We asked careers coach Kat Koh for advice on dealing with short- and long-term unhappiness
Even the most exciting and fun creative jobs have their downsides, whether it’s punishing deadlines, tricky clients or having to work to meagre budgets. No matter how much you love what you do, you can guarantee that at some point, there will be days when work puts you in a bad mood.
But unhappiness at work could also be a sign that you’ve fallen out of love with your job. All too often, creatives spend years in roles that don’t make them happy, either because they’re scared to leave, or because it can be painful to admit that the job you thought you wanted – the one you studied, interned and slogged to get – isn’t as enjoyable as you’d hoped.

It’s a situation that Kat Koh, a careers coach for creative people, knows all too well. Koh started out as an art curator, working at MoMA, the Brooklyn Museum in New York, San Francisco’s San José Museum and the Venice Architecture Biennale. But after years of studying art history, and gaining experience at leading museums, she found that curation wasn’t quite what she imagined.
“What I realised through being a junior curator at these places was that my favourite part of the job was sitting down with artists or designers or filmmakers, whoever we were working with to put on an exhibition, and helping them work through conceptual ideas, and [decide] what would be their contribution to this – but I only got to do that around 10% of the time,” she explains.” The other 90% of the time, I was doing a bunch of other stuff that I really didn’t care for and so, after years and years of this, I realised I had to leave.”

We all get overwhelmed or bored or burnt out from time to time, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that your career is not going well or there’s something that isn’t working
“I really sat on this decision and I wouldn’t recommend it. I knew I wasn’t happy, but I felt so bought in, because I’d done a PhD programme, and I was in all this student debt … but [eventually], I thought, there must be something I can do where I can do this more than 10% of the time,” she adds. “I didn’t know what that job was, but I found my own careers coach to help me in this process … and I realised through getting coached that if I could support creatives in this way, then I’d be spending 90% of the time doing what I could do only 10% of the time as a curator.”
Koh left the art world, retrained as a careers coach and has since worked with over 1,000 people, from product designers to filmmakers and entrepreneurs. Her clients range from junior designers fresh out of college to creative directors in their 40s, and most come to Koh because they’re feeling unsatisfied at work and want to make a change.

As Koh points out, it’s perfectly normal to feel unhappy at work, but there’s a difference between short- and long-term unhappiness. Feeling frustrated isn’t necessarily a signal that it’s time to quit your job – it could just be that you’re just overwhelmed and need to take some time out.
“We all get overwhelmed or bored or burnt out from time to time, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that your career is not going well or there’s something that isn’t working,” says Koh. “We’re so hyper-connected all the time and as someone who lives in San Francisco, I’m acutely aware of this. The phones we have, the computers we have, the software we use, there are brilliant people who are paid lots of money to think of brilliant ways to make you stay on them … and that’s very fatiguing, so it might just be that perhaps you need a break from it all. A lot of creatives work mostly on the computer, so the number one thing I’d suggest is going on a bit of a detox, even for a day.” For those who are feeling particularly overwhelmed, she advises spending a weekend catching up with loved ones and doing something you enjoy – whether it’s painting, making something tangible or going for a run. It might sound like common sense, but as Tanya Livesey recently explored in CR, rest is important for wellbeing and creativity.

If that doesn’t help, Koh recommends an exercise that, ironically, is borrowed from the tech world. “There’s something that is used quite often in tech called a retrospective. Often, it’s done after any major project is finished, and there are four columns: what went well, what can be improved, what do we want to do differently next time, and what still puzzles us? I’d recommend doing a present-day retrospective on your job – what are you really happy about, what is not going so well that could use some improvement, and in terms of the next time column, it could be rephrased to say, how do I want to move things forward?… What still puzzles you is a great one that I always recommend people spend some time with – what is still confusing or unclear to you about your current job or the work that you’re doing?”

The vast majority of folks that are very unhappy that I speak to are unhappy because they’ve been asking themselves, what should I do next? What is wrong?
If your unhappiness persists, then Koh believes it’s time to assess whether your job is really for you – or whether it might be time to make a change. But this realisation can often bring with it fresh anxiety over what to do next.
This is perfectly normal  – after all, human brains are hard-wired to fear uncertainty, and Koh says she is yet to meet someone who isn’t anxious at the prospect of changing jobs or careers, but it can leave people feeling stuck and unsure about what their next step should be.
This can be particularly stressful for creatives who pride themselves on creative problem-solving. “Creatives can be really hard on themselves about this – people will say but I’m a creative and I can’t think my way out of this, I feel so stuck, but there’s nothing wrong with them, and nothing bad happening to you – it’s just your brain doing its job because change is afoot,” says Koh. However, Koh believes that many people also feel anxious because they’re asking themselves all the wrong questions.

“The vast majority of folks that are very unhappy that I speak to [are unhappy] because they’ve been asking themselves, what should I do next? What is wrong? Questions that start with what? What should I do next is a great example, because as we know, you can just hop on the internet and there are so many possibilities, and everyone has an opinion – your parents have an opinion, your partner has an opinion, everyone has something to say – so this question causes a lot of swirl, and it can keep people in a holding pattern for a decade if you let it. I’m going to be bold and say this is the wrong question you should be asking when you’re unhappy,” she explains.
Instead, Koh believes it’s important to focus on the whys: “Starting with the question why is much more helpful, because why is connected to what’s meaningful and important to you. It could be why do you love this kind of work? Or why do you love design? Why do you love this company? Why do you hate this company?

“We’re bombarded with information all the team, so if you’re not clear on what’s important to you in your next job, whether it’s flexible working, or collaboration … it can be easy to get distracted thinking, maybe this is [the answer], or maybe that’s it – but when you clarify what’s meaningful to you, it gives you ground to stand on. It’s a great question to come back to when you feel like you keep coming back to the same question.”
If someone works at a really cool design house, often people will be really excited for them. Internally, they might be having a very different experience
Koh says this method has helped many of her clients figure out their next step – in some cases leading to promotion and in others, to a whole new career path. “One of my clients, when we first started working together, was the only designer in a very big company in New York. He was constantly getting pulled into meetings to represent design, and he didn’t have any creative time – so one of the things we clarified was that he wanted to be part of a collaborative, creative team of designers, and he also wanted to be a design leader. He’s now a head of design at the company, and he has five direct reports.”

Another of Koh’s clients left her job as an in-house creative director to set up her own graphic design practice, but soon became frustrated with the fact that she was spending most of her time on computers. After taking up painting, she discovered the world of surface design, and now splits her time between screen-based and physical work.
In the creative industries in particular, people can often be reluctant to admit they’re unhappy at work – especially if their job is one that might, on the surface, seem like a dream role.  “If someone works at a really cool design house, often people will be really excited for them and say that’s so cool that you work there. Internally, they might be having a very different experience, but there is this feeling of who can I really talk to about this, because everyone keeps saying you have such a great job, why would you be unhappy?”

As someone who has made a career out of helping creatives who are feeling stuck, frustrated or unsatisfied, Koh is keen to point out that it’s not uncommon – especially if you’ve reached a point where it’s time to make a change, either because you feel you’ve outgrown your job, or because you’ve decided it isn’t for you.
The most important thing if you’ve found yourself in this position, says Koh, is to identify the cause of your unhappiness through identifying what makes you happy – and what doesn’t – before you start trying to work out how to get yourself out of it.
“Just like certain recipes must be followed in a certain order and the meal is disastrous if you don’t, I really believe that the order in which you ask these questions is really important, because when you get clear, the part of your brain that is excellent at coming up with ideas and problem solving, that can kick into gear in an amazing focused way, rather than like a firecracker … once you have that clarity, then you can get up and do other things in your life and not worry so much because you’ve laid out a plan and a path.”
Hmmm, gak hepi boleh. 
Tapi jangan kelamaan. 

Kayanya trik ini nggak cuma relate di sikap bekerja ya, tapi juga di segala aspek kehidupan. Selama hal ini nggak bikin menderita banget, mungkin saatnya punya distraksi baru. Bukan berarti nggak hepi juga. At least buat aku. Karena somehow, industri ini memberikan kejujuran walau juga outputnya (lebih banyak) tentang situasi idealnya dan bukan gambaran realistis. Kenapa jujur? Karena di industri ini aku mampu mentertawai diri sendiri (again, walau lebih banyak mentertawai orang lain ya). Ditambah lagi, nobody dies. 

Lalu, apakah hal ini membuatku berhenti dari gegarku? 
Tunggu di cerita gegar part 2, ya. 
Insya Allah. 

BEING FORTY: dad

as I wrote here,
https://wulliewullie.blogspot.com/2019/05/life-begins-at-forty.html

and I wrote before,
https://wulliewullie.blogspot.com/2019/03/ma-n-pa.html

Still I cannot believe that he's already gone.

I can still hear his voice.
I can still feel his presence.
Specially at night, after Isya, he often stay for coffee and tv.
I can still hear the phone rings when I come back late from the office, listen to his voice asking me when will I be home.

This is too hard for me.
It is like I'm loosing my spine and courageous facing life.

Never thought loosing him is going to be this painful and I got suffocated every time I reminisce him. Often times I scream inside calling out his name
"Bapaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak"
When I brush my teeth,
when I exhale,
when in shower,

Would you come in my dream?
I just want to ask you,

"Are you okay?"
"Has god been treating you nice?"
"I miss you"


BEING FORTY: A day with Mom

Walau rumah sebelahan; jarang-jarang aku menghabiskan waktu di rumah Mamah. Tapi hari itu, kita masak dan belanja bareng. Judulnya sih pengen masak ayam panggang, sekalian juga belajar dan mencuri resep ayam bakar andalan si Mamah.

Kangen juga rasanya. Dulu, tiap bulan Ramadhan, biasanya kita selalu duduk bareng untuk bikin kue. Kebiasaan ini terhenti baru-baru ini aja. Saat aku udah nemu vendor kue sehat dan enak, dan Mamah juga udah terlalu tua dan cepat merasa capek. Tinggal tradisi bikin cheese stick yang masih dipertahankan. Tapi biasanya itu lapaknya Mamah dan cucu-cucunya.

Hari itu, aku malah skip sana-sini selama proses masaknya. Karena, Mamah minta bantuin obatin anak kucing yang lagi flu dan sakit mata. Tapi karena itu juga waktu memasak jadi lebih lama dan di sela-sela itu, kita jadi cerita banyak. Bahkan cerita hal yang sudah setahun ini kupendam, akhirnya tumpah ruah juga. Mamah juga cerita hal-hal kecil antara dia dan si aki. Buat Mamah, hal-hal yang dia ceritain itu mengesalkan. Tapi buatku, cerita-cerita itu lucu sekali. Dan somehow, ... manis banget untuk dikenang.

Growing old together is not easy. 
But yet we should be grateful if we have someone to share our old days with. 

Kalau denger dari cerita-cerita Mamah soal si Bapak, kayanya dua-duanya tuh memang nggak merasa sudah tua. Ya iya sih, kita semua juga nggak ada yang sadar bahwa sudah tua. Rasanya masih muda dan masih sempurna paripurna. Padahal, pendengaran misalnya, mulai menurun. Saat si A teriak-teriak, hal itu tak lain adalah karena dia nggak bisa mendengar suaranya sendiri. Trus si B tersinggung, kenapa si A teriak-teriak dan nggak merasa salah. Karena si B udah sakit hati, gak kedengeran lagi tuh si A ngomong apa. Jadilah si A marah beneran, karena udah teriak-teriak kok si B bodoh banget sampai nggak paham maksudnya.

Hahaha ... blunder.

Misalnya lagi, cerita soal bau kaki. Si A complain karena si B bau kaki. Si B boro-boro sadar kakinya bau, jadi marah karena dituding jadi kaki bau. Padahal, semata-mata bau tidak sedap itu datang dari sela kaki dan kuku, yang mana karena sudah tua merunduk untuk mengeringkan kaki saja tidak bisa. Sendi-sendi rasanya kaku dan pernah suatu waktu spontan nunduk ambil mainan si cucu, eh malah syaraf punggung terjepit. Habis marah-marah soal bau kaki, lalu aku lihat mereka saling gosok-gosokan balsem karena hari sudah sore dan badan mulai ngilu.

Cerita Mamah masih belum berakhir. Kali ini soal rasa bosan. Bosan dengan ngilu-ngilu yang dirasakan, bosan minum obat, bosan dengan dia lagi dia lagi yang tampak di depan muka, bosan dengan hidup yang tidak lagi menawarkan hingar bingar, ... hidup di usia akhir tujuh puluhan dengan kondisi kesehatan dan keuangan yang biasa-biasa aja, ternyata cukup penuh tantangan. Giliran lagi sehat, dompetnya nggak sehat. Saat dompet sehat, badan nggak kuat.

Hahaha ... sabar. Tuhan akan mengabulkan, sayangnya seringkali tidak di waktu yang kita mau. 

 Mamah terlihat senang sekali saat saya masak bersama di dapurnya hari itu. Setelahnnya,  kita belanja bareng, tentu dengan ATM yang sudah diisiin anak-anaknya. Makin hepi deh dia.

Growing old is not easy, but there's always something we can smile at. 

Sehat selalu dan penuh berkah di usia senjamu ya aki, nini,
semoga aku senantiasa punya waktu dan rejeki untuk membahagiakanmu.

Happy 45th Me!

 How is it like to be a 45 years old?  Well,  I have been a 45 for 8 straight days and I keep delaying writing this blog, just to have more ...