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The point of no return.

I think I have forgotten the last time I planned my life. So are thinking of things (material things) and the urge of having them like branded stuffs, luxurious vacations and great gifts for my love ones. Either because of the aging things, the things happened in my life that made me this way, or somehow my significant others who affected me somehow, someway. But for sure, I kind of lost that big chunk of me. The chunk that drives me to the upper ground and bloom when the weather is good.

I have been hibernating. I have been keeping myself underground for the reasons I made up, and I lost many chances because of it. I am not regretting it. I love and enjoyed it so very much.
Well, who doesn't?

I woke up with baby smell every morning. I can hug her every time, sing with her, bath with her, and everything. I worked for a super sexy brand once in a while that took me abroad. I read some books, I had massages very often, I had some holidays with family more than ever, ... a super lux life that ever happened to me.

But then the big question rose. So, what am i? A full time mother? Well, to be honest ... not really. I didn't cook much. I didn't clean up much. I didn't do much and I didn't go out much. So, am I just a lazy lady? Those who uses husband's money to be alive?

I always know, the life itself is like a seismograph. There is no way in life something would happen out of your pattern all of a sudden. There must be some signs, some intros some personal guts before the climax strikes. And anyways, I got the best experience by being so very picky in my hibernation times.

A best friend of mine said her answer when I wondered about the situation. "Just enjoy, when the time comes, it comes." Ariawan, being so logical like he always does, only said "To make a change, you need power. You need energy, like boiling water need a fire. You were just lacking of energy now and since you are fully hibernated, you think that you are ready to get back." and I am thank you for that, dear husband. I know I always have your support to do whatever I want in life, though somehow it ticked my pride too when I saw how big his willingness is to give all his have for me. For us. It was also hurt my pride too to see how passionate he was in doing everything he did, though he did not sleep for three weeks for the past projects. All in all, it was not about giving all he has for others. It was about giving all his might to himself.

I think my hibernation will be over soon. I sense the sun is coming up (again and again), giving me chances like it always did. It is just different now. Well, not so different afterall. I have been in most situations and I survived. I am proud of myself for going through this far.

Fighting!


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love is love. marriage is another thing.

of all the things I ever wondered, ... I think I never wonder whom my kids will be married to. or to picture myself holding grand babies. not just a not yet, I think it is simply too hard to bear and too absurd to think of. but then I promise myself. I promise I will not ever push titan and luna to get married or even if they are married; I will not ask them when to have kids.

many times I wondered that marriage is overrated. and the only reason to get married is not love, but to realise life is too hard to bear when you are all alone. because, however, marriage is a conditional love. hubby once said, marriage is not all fancy and glitter. the lowest it can get is, to keep functioning and it will survive. how both parties can be functional one to another, is another story.

to ariawan, a guy of mine,
the one who always wake me up from my princessy dreams. love you.



Three hours late.

2 AM and I stepped in to the house. Hubby was waiting for me. This was not the first time, and not the latest hour I had ever experienced with over time.

"See you soon Bunda. Or at 8, or at 9, or at 10, or at 11 like you said you would be late." Said my son.

I smiled as I entered the house. I smelled home. I saw my beautiful mess. As I picked up some toys on the floor, I imagined what games the kids had played today. There was a drawing, mini ceramics pots, not too chaotic for kids who were left with nini and aki without nannies.

I also saw their time tables, with some check marks on the list. Those that they weren't checked was the responsibility to wash their own dishes. I saw some dirty cups piling up. I saw the microwave's door left half-opened, a baking sheet and a knife. I wonder what they have cooked.
I also saw minecraft was in active window and some search on youtube and google.

Getting home in this hour and not seeing their faces but seeing all the mess the…

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