Sunday, 30 May 2010

Baby I'm cold

Baby, I’m cold.

The wind suffocated me through my very bone and took my crystallized soul
I am lost in the white winterland
I do not know where I stand
           How can you run to stand still?

Baby, I’m cold.

The music slowly faded out and I could dance no more
I’d lost my Manolo and stood in barefoot
Stepped on the coldest stone with the whole nerves frozen
           How can you talk without a sound?
          How can you scream without a raising voice?
          How can you roar without sorrow?

Baby, I’m cold.

Monday, 24 May 2010


sending my dreams in one click away
to let them fly and find their own destiny
let them burn in sun ray
jabbed with the sharpest crystal rain
simply survive and float in thin air.

Monday, 17 May 2010

Tarian Malam

Aku hitung domba-domba di langit malam, hingga akhirnya mataku pun terpejam. Dan saat itulah gerigi pemutar hari perlahan-lahan berhenti. Sangat perlahan, hingga nafasku pun tertahan. Lalu aku berjingkat pelan.

Tiba-tiba, rintik hujan di luar seketika membisu.

Kusibak tirai di jendela, tampak langit yang begitu kelam menaung malam. Bayang hitam yang selalu mengikuti, entah kemana mereka pergi. Lalu aku bertelanjang kaki, menjejak bumi. Menembus kristal air yang menggantung di udara, suaranya berdentingan jatuh ke tanah membentuk irama. Lalu ku lari secepat angin yang berbisik di sela-sela. Aku berputar, berjingkat dan melompat seperti balerina.

Lalu tibalah aku di sana.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Sunday, 9 May 2010

... jikalau suatu saat nanti engkau bertanya

Di suatu malam yang sunyi dan dingin, langit begitu gelap.
Namun, ada seorang wanita yang tidak dapat terlelap.
Dari semua mimpi yang telah dititinya, ada satu mimpi yang belum tercapai.
Dan ia tak putus asanya, terus dan terus menggapai.

Doanya sampai ke langit ke tujuh, dimana semua mahluk begitu patuh.
Sampai akhirnya suatu hari, hadirlah sebuah bintang jatuh.
Yang kemudian hinggap di peluknya,
dan menjelmlah menjadi seorang anak manusia.

Saat itulah pertama kali air mata mereka bersatu.

Anak itu kini tidak lagi menyusu
Anak itu kini tidak lagi membisu
Ia sudah tumbuh menjadi anak yang besar
Berlari, bernyanyi, berjingkat, menari dan melompat pagar

Perempuan itu ingin anak itu tahu,
Jika suatu malam petir menyambar,
Ia akan berada di sana

Jika suatu saat bayang hitam mendekat ke jendela,
Ia akan berada di sana

Jika suatu saat seekor laba-laba berjingkat mendekati,
Ia akan di sana melindungi

Jika suatu saat sepi hinggap di dirimu,
dan aku tidak ada di sana,
Tataplah satu bintang paling terang dan peganglah nadimu
maka nafasku akan berdenyut bersamamu.

Aku tidak akan memberimu petuah tentang cinta,
Aku tidak akan memberikan mimpi manisnya sungai susu di surga
Karena bagiku, kamulah cinta
Dan kamulah surga

Itulah jawabanku,
… jikalau nanti suatu saat nanti engkau bertanya.

Selamat ulang tahun ke-3, satelitku.

Friday, 7 May 2010

It is not love

It is not love.
It is me who make barriers for love;
and those I love.

It is not love.
It is me who make myself a coward;
too scared to love or be loved.

It is not love.
It is me who has fears
with the feeling of expecting, and the feeling of owning.

It is not love.
It is me who think i have made mistake
by loving the wrong person, or
by loving at the wrong time, or
feeling wrong to fall in love.

It is not love.
It is me who gives labels.
Whether it is common love, true love, eros, compassion or platonic

No matter how good I am in creating words,
love is a feeling. And I can never perfectly utter what my feeling is.

But yes, it is love
that makes me fall. 
That is why they call it fall in love.

And it is not me, who has the power to resist its gravity.
And since I have fallen,
I will get hurt someday anyway.

But i would love to fall in love
again and always.


patterns in the sky

It's always  the same clouds
the same colors
the same stars
its just the same sky.

But they always make different patterns in every single day
and every single night.


Wednesday, 5 May 2010

My invisible spine

Me and my mom are on the left side of the photo. 
I think this is when i was about 9 years old.

To tell you the truth, my mom is a person who shed the least tears over me. She sheds tears over many things, but yeah … she shed least tears for me; her one and only daughter as well as her youngest child.

She did not cry when I married. But I did.

She did not cry when I was dying (*ha! A hyperbolic term) giving birth to Titan. But I did.

She did not even bother to cry when I gave her all of my first salary when I was twenty one. But I did.

I made my first poem for her on the mother’s day when I was five. And I was too embarrassed to give the poem myself. So, I just put it on my mom’s drawer and took a peep. She found out. She opened the envelope, read the poem, put it back into the drawer and said nothing. I was the one who cried that day.

Once in my childhood, I was very angry. And I yelled at my mom “I want to leave this house!” and my mom calmly said “If it is what you want, then just go.” I was very surprised listened to what she said. And to buy more time, I asked her to help me to break my piggy bank. But she rejected to help me. She said “If you want some money, I will give you but don’t break the piggy bank.” Aha! I got the reason to stay, I mumbled to myself. Then I threw tantrums over the piggy bank instead.

And I can still remember when my mom and dad left us for a month. And she handled me the money for all the things we needed, and I was about eleven years old. While my biggest brother was … eighteen! I thought that she was unfair!

Many times I got cried because my brothers teased me over and over. As I reached my mom for a help, she would just say “Which part of you that is hurt?” and I said “Nothing”. And she replied “Then do not cry. Tease them back. A girl has to have a ‘meat’ mentality. I don’t take ‘tofu’ ones.”

And I remember when I was about eight years old. There was no maid at that time, and I was having my exam week. I saw that she was frustrated and tired, but I did not do anything to help her but studying. And she mad at me. But then I replied, “What do you want me to do?! You said you wanted me to study!” And I could perfectly remember that she just stood still and stared at me. Then she knelt down and hugged me. And she looked at my eyes and said “I am sorry.” She did not cry at all,… but I did.

My mom was very tough on me, her one and only daughter. She taught me how to be strong and family’s happiness is way beyond her own happiness that might have long forgotten. She is a great mother. Her hugs and words that give me strength.

Now, I am also a mother. And now it is my mom’s turn to cry a lot over silly simple things, just like I did. But thankfully she has made me tougher than before: I don’t shed a tear in front of her.
Thank you, Mom!

Oh yeah, I remember now. She did last cry over me was about ten years ago, when I called her to tell that I have graduated my academy.


Saturday, 1 May 2010

Be careful of what you wish for

When I was a little girl, I love to watch Star Trek. Yup, Data was my favorite character. Despite of his John Cusack look alike, Data is a quiet, naïve and nice guy. Having watched Star Trek too much after school, it drove me to a wish of having such an ability they had, to be able to transform myself to other part of the world. Will we really be able to do that someday?

What if we actually … can!

What if, we are actually living in chaotic wires where you hardly know which one is dream or which one is real? When what you are dreaming is real and what you see now is what you dreamed about.

What if, there is no such a thing as past, present or future. All is present continuous tense.

What if life is just a parallel world and we are jumping in and out of the channels. It’s like tuning a radio. When the weather is good, all is well. Good songs, nice presenter, bright and clear on your ear. But when the weather is bad, it’s hard to tune the right frequency. You feel so confident with the frequency of your favorite channels, but it seems that today is just not an ordinary day. Noises are what you hear, and you just want to shut the radio down. And you did shut it down, but somehow the noises keeps coming even the cord has been unplugged.

If it happens, if it is how the universe works, we might never have a rest then. Even when we are sleeping, we are just entering other channels. We are just changing our frequency. We are just switching to another side of life where we will meet monsters we hate, or in reverse, where we will meet the most beautiful creatures we love to see.

And back to my wish of having an idea to transport myself, I guess I have to thank a friend for his birthday text a year back then. He said “Happy birthday dear friend, be careful of what you wish for cause it might come true.”
I don’t want people to look at me like a fool, when I said
“I think I have been here. Wait, … was it real or was it a dream?”
“See, I told you so! Uhm .. wait, did I tell you literally or did I tell you in my dream?”
Then I would shut my mouth up and think. And I could not figure out, was it real or dream? Then slowly I start to lose my faith. In me.