Have a faith

“Some people choose to keep running in circle. Every time a chance comes to break the circle, they respond it slowly as if the universe always runs as they expected it to be. When they missed the chance, they will say, “I did try my best, it is not meant to be mine.”

That was a thought I typed on my Path a few minutes ago. Not long after it was uploaded, my Whatsapp rang. “Was your status for me?” she asked. I said, “No, not at all. It was for all of us.”

Being a passive Twitterist, I noticed people in my timeline are just trashing most of the time. They made a rant about their unhappiness, or curses on twitter or many times, just a one-off buzz on the messenger leaving me a message like “I am bursting into tears now.” Or “I am so not happy.” Or “I want him, only him.” Or "What if this and what if that." – things I thought I would only found in the life of a teenager.

I sometimes wanted to slap them and said “You have been through nothing, bitch. Be strong, there are more unexpected and destructive things might come to you one day. Have you ever lost a kid? Have you ever lost someone you have been living together for quite some times? Have you ever tried to be a single mother? Have you ever lived with a daily basis income? Have you ever lived in 3 hours electrical supply everyday? Have you ever lived in conflicting area? Have you ever heard your son told you that he was hungry but there was nothing left to eat? Have you ever lived on your own in a strange land and you have to create your support system back from the scratch?

Then why do you still brag about traffic you know there will be traffic jam everywhere everyday, your stupid boss, your not-so-into-you-boyfriend/girlfriend, ... but do nothing about it?

Does someone have to be in their lowest point to learn that there are more important things to think of? I hope not. But apparently, experience is the most primitive way for human to learn. Go test your own limit, then. Be playful with your hatreds and hurtful. You are going to be fine, though. If it is not bitter, how can you be stronger? But don't be too long dingle-dangle in that phase. I know the dramatic feeling of being broken hearted, but hey … have a faith in life. Have a faith things will turn out fine. If it is not, it will someday.

This is my guy

Today, is not the first time my son gave me wild flowers that grow in the yard. He did this before, and the feeling of receiving something from your flesh and blood is amazing. Always amazing. He picked the weed flower himself and gave them to me. After that, he would ask me to put them in the little jar of water.

On another day, when we were about to sleep, he softly stroke my forehead. Exactly the spot in the center of my both eyes and told me to sleep. After that, he would kiss me good night and fell to sleep. 

On another lovely day, he would run across the room to me, bringing his drawing. Most of them were sketches of cars. Sometimes he drew the car in front of the house, under the stormy rain, on its way down the volcano, and sometimes he added me in his sketch. He always put me in skirt with red color. He said I am more beautiful if I wear skirt. Then he asked me to twist myself around like a ballerina and so my skirt would bloom like an umbrella. 

On another busy street or malls, he would held my hand as if he would never let go of me. As if he said "This is my girl, don't mess with her."

In a quite night and nobody but just us, I screamed because of a big spider, or more often, a cockroach. . He would come over and told me things were going to be just fine for I got him. Unless it was not a spider, he would get a sandal and kill the bug.

There were times when I got tense because of him. After saying blatant things and the consequence he must take, I would usually left him for a while. He would stare, just stare at me. Suddenly he hugged me and cried. At that time, I knew he was saying sorry with his own way.

There were also some moments when he accidentally hurt me. "Sorry sorry!" and he would kissed my bruise right away.

Oh well, ... guess I am the luckiest girl to have a man like him. I am so very lucky. And I thank those people who taught my son to treat me like a princess, because I know these things will not happen instantly. He would not  act these out of the blue, because kids are good in mimicking and I always grateful if he mimicked good and sweet things.

I love you Malicca, ... I don't know how would my life be without you.

Passion

I did not finish my electone school

I did not finish my violin school

I did not continue my last level of English skill, CAE, with British Council certificate

I haven’t started my sewing project, let alone of finishing it

I did not continue my Bali dance lesson
I did not finish my meal sometimes

There are many other things in life I did not finish them. Despite of all responsible reasons or illogical because' that made me did them, still they are parts that shape me to become the person of who I am today.  

But there is this one thing I love doing. Always doing. Luckily, has been giving me money for my family since twelve years ago. It is the only thing I had never take a course on or took a formal school. I just did and still doing it. 

Writing.

My first poem was about a banana tree and I got loads of laugh when reading it in front of my cousins. The second one was about mother’s day that I gave it to my mom and she did not even take a look at it. The next writings were in the form of a diary and I had been doing it for 12 years. Then as I learned to fall in love, I started to write more poems, most of them are twisted and complex absurd poems. 

I collected those poems and short stories and made a handmade book of my own when I was 21 and joined Bunga Matahari mailing list and published a book together in 2004. I joined advertising and worked as a copywriter and won the best copywriting in my third year in the industry. Now, all of my writing comes in the form of blogs. Hopefully, I will someday publish a book of my own.

So, is it passion? Is passion something that you have been always doing without you even noticing it is your passion? Is passion will soon be ruined once you got into an institution and feel obliged to do it? If it is, then I am one of the luckiest person in the world to do something that I love and I got paid for it. If it is not, then maybe I will not finish it and writing will just be my other way of searching what I really looking for.

I have no idea. I just do, and I love it so far.

These are the moments

Of all the moment of mommahood I have experienced, from pregnancy to baby and toddler times, ... all is wonderful. All is unforgetable and I don't mind to experience them again.

Now Malicca is 4 years and 9 months. I often heard that 4-5 years are the years of rebellious. When yes is a no, no is a yes, they would always say "I don't know" first on the top of all questions. It is the moment when asking them to do something is such  a production. "You can do it yourself", "Later on", "After these (I mean THESE), ... so yeah, ... it takes forever you ended up do it yourself. It is also the moment of asking WHY comes first. Why these, why that, how do you know? Who told you that? What are the proves you are saying things? Oh well ... it is the era of playing Devil's Advocate as well.

But come to think of it, this is the moment when I feel the most cute of all. The little womb who were in my tummy who I always took anywhere you went, the little baby I always hugged and sang to sleep, has now grown to a little human I can talk to. Yes, this is why I love the moment they said is a rebellious moment.

I don't think they are rebellious. They are just mimicking what we have said to them. They connect the dots and their logic leaps way above what we expected we (often) cannot argue. Of course, who can argue our self? And that little man or woman in front of you is just a mirror of you. Yes, we often forget that.

But here is what touches me the most, that they start to express what they feel about the world. Questions, objections, ... including love.

There were the moments when Titan hugged me tight out of the blue. There were moments when we were about to sleep and he asked me a question that erased all of my tiredness that day, "Bunda, ... bunda tahu nggak Titan sayang sama Bunda?" There were moments when he helped me cleaned the house. There were moments when he said "Let me do it, I can do it too!" There were moments when he woke me up in the morning "Bunda, sudah siang bangun yuk." ... even the moments when he said "Bunda, Titan udah punya pacar namanya Putri Yogi."

*Smiling*

I know these moments will not be here forever. He would soon grow up, faster than I can imagine. He would start spending his time more with his friends. He would start giving me a rule not to kiss or hug him in front of his friends. He would one day bring a girl home and I would look at her from top to toe full of wonder.

Being a mother, a decision I never regret and I am so grateful of the trust Allah has given me. I know these moments are just the beginning, there are still so many surprising moments and unbelievable feelings that might happen being a mother.

Kamu, Aku, Mereka dan Purnama ke Lima

 














Menyambut purnama ke lima kamu di Jakarta, kamu pasti masih mencoba untuk beradaptasi dengan kehidupanmu yang baru di sini. Dengan orang-orang yang baru, cuaca yang baru, iklim yang baru, politik dan etos kerja yang baru yang mungkin tidak pernah kamu temui sebelumnya.

Purnama ke lima, dan kamu bertanya apakah kamu yang menua. Kenapa? Karena semua jauh dari yang pernah terkira? Karena ternyata semangat dan keadaan fisikmu melorot jauh dibanding bayanganmu sebelumnya? Karena ion positifmu perlahan namun pasti terus dan terus bertabrakan dengan karbon monoksida yang kamu hirup setiap hari? Rasa eforia yang berserempetan dengan kemacetan di jalan dan ketidakefektifan meeting di setiap menit?

Dulu kamu bingung, kenapa Jakarta penuh dengan perselingkuhan. Saat itu, aku hanya terdiam. Dari orang kaya sampai bapak supir taksi pun ceritanya semua sama, pasangan mereka berselingkuh.

Tapi coba kamu pikirkan, berapa banyak waktu yang dihabiskan di luar rumah? Jauh jauh jauh lebih banyak daripada waktu yang dihabiskan bersama keluarga. Kita bekerja setidaknya 8 jam sehari, itu pun minimal. 8 jam untuk tidur. Sisa 8 jam yang lain? Setidaknya minimal 3 jam dimakan macetnya Jakarta. Sisanya, benar-benar yang hanya tersisa, itulah yang kita habiskan untuk keluarga. 

Bukan tidak cinta. Aku yakin mereka tentu pulang membawa sejuta rasa dari kantor menuju rumah. Tapi seperti sekeranjang telur yang terhimpit saat berdesakan di bus, rasa itu begitu ringkih hingga mungkin tidak sampai di rumah dengan selamat.  Tak sengaja terhantam motor yang serampangan. Atau dicopet. Atau tak sengaja terjatuh. Lelah. Pulang hanya membawa cangkang dan niatan pernah punya rasa. Dan itu, tentu tidak cukup.

Dulu kamu bertanya kenapa orang Jakarta senangnya mencari hiburan ke mall dan nongkrong ngalor-ngidul menikmati  lifestyle coffee sama orang lain, ketimbang ngobrol di rumah atau berkegiatan di rumah. Jujur, aku tidak tahu. Apakah dengan cara seperti itukah sebagian besar dari kami membayar rasa bersalah atas waktu yang tersisa untuk keluarga? Dengan kemewahan jalan-jalan, belanja dan makan-makan mall?

Dulu kamu bertanya, kenapa kami lebih suka mengirim anak-anak ke Time Zone dan mengizinkan mereka mematukkan mata pada iPad daripada mengobrol di rumah. Bertukar cerita, play pretend, berkebun bersama, membuat rumah pohon, melukis awan, berkemah dan meneropong bintang pada malam hari. Jawabku, itulah yang aku rindukan. Karena seperti itulah masa kecilku.

Purnama ke lima, dan aku rasa kamu pun mulai melupakan pertanyaan-pertanyaanmu. Kamu mulai menjadi seperti kami yang kebanyakan. Orang-orang yang tidak memiliki waktu, atau tidak ingin membuat waktu. Orang-orang yang terperangkap dalam lingkaran setan di sebuah negeri yang tidak akan kemana-mana. Kami yang menghirup udara yang kotor. Kami yang merayapi detik di tengah kemacetan dan menghabiskan waktu di meeting-meeting tidak efektif. Kami yang terekspos drama bad mood di twitter. Kami yang hanya pulang ke rumah berupa raga, karena jiwa kami terhempas dan berserakan dimana-mana.

Kota ini berputar hebat dan cepat menggiring kita ke tengah mata badai. Tidak tahu dimana berawal dan kapan berakhir, tiba-tiba kita sudah berputar di dalamnya dan terus menghujam.

Kalau aku jadi kamu, aku akan memeluk diriku dan juga mereka yang aku cinta dan mencintaiku erat-erat. Menjaganya supaya tidak pecah dan menghempas tak tentu arah. Supaya aku bisa pulang, karena hanya mereka yang tidak akan pernah membuatku tersasar meski berada di dalam pusaran. 

Ini baru purnama ke lima, sayang. Masih banyak purnama-purnama lain. Siapkan diri, tapi jangan takut karena kamu tidak sendiri. 

Lyfe, or somewhat like it.

Hello, Saturday. It’s been a while since I last wrote you under the warm sunlight, upon the greeneries of my backyard. This is a silent Saturday, I must say. Not in a good sense, not in a bad sense as well. It is just the way it is.

My 32th year of circling the sun’s journey will end soon, it got me think that whoever mentioned that we cannot live the life like how we always want is brilliant and honest. Because it is true. In contrary, the more I don’t want to live the particular life is the more my life heading to. In that sense, I should stop expecting and judging and start living life with the eyes of a child.

Another thing I picked up is, that it is so hard to wish someone to change as hard as how hard to change our self is. Sometimes, even though people are different but they keep giving the same effect to us. Is it a good sense? Is it a bad sense? Well, it is not about good or bad, it is just the way it is.

If we die one day and by then we would have learnt our life thoroughly, maybe we would get all the conclusion that  life is a cycle that goes over and over without even we realized it is actually a pattern. A pattern that if only we have realized it we would not need to find all answers, because they were all there. Without even realizing it as well, we are actually the eyes of the storms that spread the exact amount of gravity to make people give you the same result no matter who they are.

Maybe, 
lyfe is just like a music playlist. It is a podcast with shuffle and repeat mode.