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Life in the next level

Once I wrote about love, my invisible spines, my possible hero, my satellite, flesh and blood, my deadly dreams and everything that made me who I am today; and not a single thing I am regret of what happened. I am grateful. And you know what, I realized this when my 3,5 years old son got into his first day of school. And I was like … amazingly stunned. He cried in most of his classes, but he survived until the bell rang. First cut is always the deeper my boy; and we will always have those moments in every fragment of our life.

I have been through a lot, and of all the things I have lost; I realized that I may not and should not and cannot lose myself. Since your own shadow would leave you in the dark, you are what you got therefore you should get a grip on yourself. Then, you could see other things you got in life.  Those people who will support you all along, people who stay, new people you met, or sometimes with any luck … people in the past who then gives you hope for the future.  In contrary, when things got blurred and you could not even see yourself clearly, bigger chance is that you would lose people you love as well.

As my little guy entered his class, I looked at him from afar. “How he grew so fast. From breast milk to lollipops, from midnight crying to warm laughs, from nagging to songs he sang me, … look at him now!” My heart murmured. He has grown and so have I.   

I realized that everything in this world had its expiry date: age, love, job, our sadness or happiness, even a lousy meeting with nasty clients. When things are bad, I should have remembered that it will not last forever. When things are wonderful, I should have realized as well; it will be gone soon and so I should have enjoyed every bits and stop worrying.

So here I am now, with a life in the next level. Never at once I doubt on love, because it is the thing that gives you courage and that include the love of yourself. Getting hurt? Yes, that is one of my biggest fear. But you know what, … we are going to get hurt someday anyway.“Nothing comes later or sooner. Things are just have to happen just the way they should be.” My lovely mother said.


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love is love. marriage is another thing.

of all the things I ever wondered, ... I think I never wonder whom my kids will be married to. or to picture myself holding grand babies. not just a not yet, I think it is simply too hard to bear and too absurd to think of. but then I promise myself. I promise I will not ever push titan and luna to get married or even if they are married; I will not ask them when to have kids.

many times I wondered that marriage is overrated. and the only reason to get married is not love, but to realise life is too hard to bear when you are all alone. because, however, marriage is a conditional love. hubby once said, marriage is not all fancy and glitter. the lowest it can get is, to keep functioning and it will survive. how both parties can be functional one to another, is another story.

to ariawan, a guy of mine,
the one who always wake me up from my princessy dreams. love you.

Three hours late.

2 AM and I stepped in to the house. Hubby was waiting for me. This was not the first time, and not the latest hour I had ever experienced with over time.

"See you soon Bunda. Or at 8, or at 9, or at 10, or at 11 like you said you would be late." Said my son.

I smiled as I entered the house. I smelled home. I saw my beautiful mess. As I picked up some toys on the floor, I imagined what games the kids had played today. There was a drawing, mini ceramics pots, not too chaotic for kids who were left with nini and aki without nannies.

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