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LOVE

If the universe is a giant matrix that keeps busily clicking rearranging its numbers, i cannot hear any clicking sound at the moment. It is just so quiet. Very quiet you can even hear your own heart beat. Your own breath. The gurgling sound of your own blood running in your vein. So quiet you can even hear your heart for now she roars louder than the sea.

At first, you will be scared of this darkness. Limbo darkness. But then you will know, this is the only way you would notice a little light.

At first, you will be scared of being alone. But then you will know this is the only way you would realize that even your shadow will leave you in the dark.

At first you would feel imbalance. But then you would realize that to keep moving is the only way to keep your balance.

And when the world is shutting down, there is one little thing that keeps trying to exist even if you have unplugged the chord. It knocks your heart softly you barely feels. But it keeps knocking as if it is the only thing that wants you to be alive no matter what. 

And once you opened your door for it to get in, it is hard for you to let it go.  And it starts to give you a little warmth. Yes, only a little. But since you were all alone and frozen, a little warmth is perfect enough to save you from the longest winter. And its little wings start fluttering around you. Tickle your ear with its lovely whispers of how you are not alone.

You can't look for love. It will find you.

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Life. Just like what I wanted.

Sounds so snobbish ya, saying life is just like what I wanted. But then I realized, semua itu karena emang aku enggak pengen apa-apa. Sekarang juga (ternyata) masih begitu. Dulu emang I treat my life like a blue print. Things to do piling up my list and my aims were to accomplish them. Alhamdulillah, semua tercapai. Tapi kemudian seperti ada titik tolak dalam hidup yang bikin  berhenti ingin terlalu banyak dari hidup. Entah karena merasa udah cukup banyak pencapaian pribadi baik yang bagus atau yang buruk, entah karena pernah kecewa berat sama yang namanya manusia atau karena alasan klise yang digadang-gadang semua manusia: anak.

Sekarang ini, lebih banyak menyambut apa yang datang ke dalam hidup. Termasuk, kembali ke agency lagi. Having thought that I am not some kind of 'Man in a mission' kind of person. I am just an 'I will do my best' of what comes in front of me kind of person.

Gini ceritanya.

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love is love. marriage is another thing.

of all the things I ever wondered, ... I think I never wonder whom my kids will be married to. or to picture myself holding grand babies. not just a not yet, I think it is simply too hard to bear and too absurd to think of. but then I promise myself. I promise I will not ever push titan and luna to get married or even if they are married; I will not ask them when to have kids.

many times I wondered that marriage is overrated. and the only reason to get married is not love, but to realise life is too hard to bear when you are all alone. because, however, marriage is a conditional love. hubby once said, marriage is not all fancy and glitter. the lowest it can get is, to keep functioning and it will survive. how both parties can be functional one to another, is another story.

to ariawan, a guy of mine,
the one who always wake me up from my princessy dreams. love you.



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