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LOVE

If the universe is a giant matrix that keeps busily clicking rearranging its numbers, i cannot hear any clicking sound at the moment. It is just so quiet. Very quiet you can even hear your own heart beat. Your own breath. The gurgling sound of your own blood running in your vein. So quiet you can even hear your heart for now she roars louder than the sea.

At first, you will be scared of this darkness. Limbo darkness. But then you will know, this is the only way you would notice a little light.

At first, you will be scared of being alone. But then you will know this is the only way you would realize that even your shadow will leave you in the dark.

At first you would feel imbalance. But then you would realize that to keep moving is the only way to keep your balance.

And when the world is shutting down, there is one little thing that keeps trying to exist even if you have unplugged the chord. It knocks your heart softly you barely feels. But it keeps knocking as if it is the only thing that wants you to be alive no matter what. 

And once you opened your door for it to get in, it is hard for you to let it go.  And it starts to give you a little warmth. Yes, only a little. But since you were all alone and frozen, a little warmth is perfect enough to save you from the longest winter. And its little wings start fluttering around you. Tickle your ear with its lovely whispers of how you are not alone.

You can't look for love. It will find you.

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love is love. marriage is another thing.

of all the things I ever wondered, ... I think I never wonder whom my kids will be married to. or to picture myself holding grand babies. not just a not yet, I think it is simply too hard to bear and too absurd to think of. but then I promise myself. I promise I will not ever push titan and luna to get married or even if they are married; I will not ask them when to have kids.

many times I wondered that marriage is overrated. and the only reason to get married is not love, but to realise life is too hard to bear when you are all alone. because, however, marriage is a conditional love. hubby once said, marriage is not all fancy and glitter. the lowest it can get is, to keep functioning and it will survive. how both parties can be functional one to another, is another story.

to ariawan, a guy of mine,
the one who always wake me up from my princessy dreams. love you.



Three hours late.

2 AM and I stepped in to the house. Hubby was waiting for me. This was not the first time, and not the latest hour I had ever experienced with over time.

"See you soon Bunda. Or at 8, or at 9, or at 10, or at 11 like you said you would be late." Said my son.

I smiled as I entered the house. I smelled home. I saw my beautiful mess. As I picked up some toys on the floor, I imagined what games the kids had played today. There was a drawing, mini ceramics pots, not too chaotic for kids who were left with nini and aki without nannies.

I also saw their time tables, with some check marks on the list. Those that they weren't checked was the responsibility to wash their own dishes. I saw some dirty cups piling up. I saw the microwave's door left half-opened, a baking sheet and a knife. I wonder what they have cooked.
I also saw minecraft was in active window and some search on youtube and google.

Getting home in this hour and not seeing their faces but seeing all the mess the…

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