wullie wullie

2 AM and I stepped in to the house. Hubby was waiting for me. This was not the first time, and not the latest hour I had ever experienced with over time.

"See you soon Bunda. Or at 8, or at 9, or at 10, or at 11 like you said you would be late." Said my son.

I smiled as I entered the house. I smelled home. I saw my beautiful mess. As I picked up some toys on the floor, I imagined what games the kids had played today. There was a drawing, mini ceramics pots, not too chaotic for kids who were left with nini and aki without nannies.

I also saw their time tables, with some check marks on the list. Those that they weren't checked was the responsibility to wash their own dishes. I saw some dirty cups piling up. I saw the microwave's door left half-opened, a baking sheet and a knife. I wonder what they have cooked.
I also saw minecraft was in active window and some search on youtube and google.

Getting home in this hour and not seeing their faces but seeing all the mess the…

of all the things I ever wondered, ... I think I never wonder whom my kids will be married to. or to picture myself holding grand babies. not just a not yet, I think it is simply too hard to bear and too absurd to think of. but then I promise myself. I promise I will not ever push titan and luna to get married or even if they are married; I will not ask them when to have kids.

many times I wondered that marriage is overrated. and the only reason to get married is not love, but to realise life is too hard to bear when you are all alone. because, however, marriage is a conditional love. hubby once said, marriage is not all fancy and glitter. the lowest it can get is, to keep functioning and it will survive. how both parties can be functional one to another, is another story.

to ariawan, a guy of mine,
the one who always wake me up from my princessy dreams. love you.

october is still in the beginning. it was wet and i could smell the fresh smell of the grass, even if it was not raining. october  used to be my favorite month. it was autumn, it was dry and the cold breeze can easily breaks my nose membrane and i got nose bleed. the day i found you.

it has been years ago. now i feel october in new breeze. this time, october felt a bit rush.

earliest october was the day of a mega pitch. three pitch presentations in a day. it was like our blood and flesh were torn apart preparing the whole things. one of the pitches was also one of the backbone clients, that also brought the feeling of having the pitch felt like a burden. i could not imagine how many cut offs there would be if we lose.

the second day, was also one of the biggest day for my son and also for me. the day my one and only son got circumcised. at his 9 years of age, he decided to surrender himself to one of the deepest pain in life. his cry resembled the day he lost his eyang and also resemb…

perhatian, posting ini isinya tentang pamer ya.  supershowoff. totally.

now, what is a dream?

mimpi, bisa jadi bunga tidur yang sering kejadian sama kita. tapi mimpi yang dimaksud saya di mimpi ini adalah sesuatu yang kita inginkan banget. yang sepanjang hari, sepanjang tahun, terus dikejar sampe kejadian. bukan cuma sekedar wishlist.

dulu, salah seorang pacar saya pernah bilang. mimpi ya mimpi, nggak perlu dikejar. kalau udah dikejar, namanya tujuan. saya harus bisa membedakan itu.

ah, ya ... bener juga sih itu. tapi kan nggak papa juga bilangnya mimpi, karena kadang kalau disebut tujuan tapi set up nya jauh banget dan tinggi banget, kesannya jadi berat banget. kalau mimpi kan kayanya ada kesan 'magical'nya kalau bisa kejadian.

now, what is my dream?

setelah dipikir-pikir, saya itu sama banget sama bapak saya. atau, mungkin memang didikan bapak berhasil banget nancep di kepala saya. saya inget banget, waktu kita-kita anaknya masih kecil, bapak sering bilang gini "bapak ng…

dear titan, 
one day when you were 9 years old, i found this letter at the office.  you put it in between my laptop.  i startled.  i felt ... sad. 
if only you knew,  every mothers in the whole wide world will always forgive their children.  so that they won't have to ask forgiveness again and again.  so that they won't have to kneeled-down just to ask one. 
as much as mothers will want you to learn from your mistakes,  we don't really want you to make ones.  because your mistake means our failure in raising you. 
but all in all,  i am proud of you.  it is not easy to ask forgiveness. but i somehow know,  your forever-child-heart will make you one of the most courageous man alive. 
love you,  you know i always do. 

Titan & Luna,
hari ini bunda bangga banget sama kalian karena bisa menerima kekecewaan dengan lapang. Selain karena minimnya ATM, kegagalan terutama berasal dari perencanaan yang kurang OK.

Yang diniatin hari sabtu ini sebenarnya cuma bikin pas foto buat Luna sekolah. Setelahnya, baru ke galeri nasional demi ngintip pameran lukisan istana. Namun oh namun ternyata semua-mua jadi mulur dan akhirnya sampai Galeri Nasional udah antri banget dan enggak mungkin juga kita masuk karena pas giliran kita pasti galerinya udah harus tutup saking panjangnya pengunjung. Bundanya kecewa, kakak titan juga. Tapi kita kan gengsian, jadinya menolak pulang demi menghibur hati yang terlanjur sakit.

Setelah gagal ngintip pameran lukisan istana di galeri nasional, akhirnya kita memutuskan ke Monas. Tadinya mau ke Ragusa, tapi knowing Luna punya amandel dan matahari lagi terik banget; jadi enggan untuk ke sana. Padahal udah kebayang kerupuk mie yang disiram bumbu asinan dan sate yang nongkrong di depanny…

Never crossed my mind that I would love working in havas and slide the chance visiting cupertino again in september. I think i am ready to settle down though the boredom starts creeping me out lately.

Today is the fifth month since i got back to work. It is the day for my performance review before the contract put an end in another 30 days. Today, i proved myself that being a leader I expect myself to be; was not easy after all. Maybe i am not a good one. Even far from good. far from how i set my standard in the beginning. To me, being a leader is to lead by example. Being a leader is to groom people i have now to be a champ, not by recruiting the champs. I don't ask much. I only want to see a goodwill, a willingness to be better that eventually, will prove. I don't like being pushy.

So I did what I thought it would take to be a good leader,  to be the one I expected myself to be.
Now I know it hurts me to see them failed. It crushes me inside to see them took the chance for g…

Ternyata,  cuma butuh waktu 2 bulan 5 hari  untuk bisa bikin mengumpat lagi ha ha ha! 
Dulu, saya sering banget mengumpat. Mulainya sih pas udah kerja aja, saat udah merasa cukup 'gede' untuk nunjukin kuasa. Sebenernya sih karena jadi terbiasa aja, karena teman-teman suka mengumpat jadilah suka ikut mengumpat. Apa aja yah kata-kata umpatan saya ...
Tae, ah!
Kampret!
Dammit!
Shit!
Bencong!

Ya, ... mayan banyak ya ternyata.

Kalau saya bisa ingat kapan mulai suka mengumpat, saya juga ingat kapan mulai menghentikan kebiasaan jelek itu. Gara-garanya, pas ketemu ariawan setelah dia pulang dari pergi jauh. Sampai akhirnya kita menikah, cuma dia yang selalu ingetin saya kalo swearing itu nggak baik dan dia nggak suka sama orang yang suka mengumpat. Kadang suka defense sih, bahwa umpatan-umpatan saya itu cuma ekspresi, bukan maksutan untuk menyumpahi. Bahkan bos-bos expat di kantor pun sering banget shat shit shat shit dan fak fuk fak fuk sama orang. Tapi terus dia cerita, seumur-umur d…

He is my possible hero.
His tummy is flat and he drives.
He takes a little exercise with his 3 kilo barbell as he rocks his rocking chair.
He trains his brain memorizing surah in the holy Qur'an and go to the mosque every adzan.
He takes Luna for a bicycle ride almost every morning. A long distance, seriously.
He teaches Titan to climb a tree.
He was a basket ball player, was a pilot, was a policeman, and forever fisherman.
He said yes all his might, he says no when he can't.

He is my possible hero.
He is my dad.

Happy sweet seventy, Bapak.
Lot's of love and pray for your health and happiness.
This year, we celebrate it in the town where you were born.

I think I have forgotten the last time I planned my life. So are thinking of things (material things) and the urge of having them like branded stuffs, luxurious vacations and great gifts for my love ones. Either because of the aging things, the things happened in my life that made me this way, or somehow my significant others who affected me somehow, someway. But for sure, I kind of lost that big chunk of me. The chunk that drives me to the upper ground and bloom when the weather is good.

I have been hibernating. I have been keeping myself underground for the reasons I made up, and I lost many chances because of it. I am not regretting it. I love and enjoyed it so very much.
Well, who doesn't?

I woke up with baby smell every morning. I can hug her every time, sing with her, bath with her, and everything. I worked for a super sexy brand once in a while that took me abroad. I read some books, I had massages very often, I had some holidays with family more than ever, ... a super lux …

What do you see when you see your child?

I can still remember his first cry.
Soft and weak, I almost lost my breath when I kissed him the first time.
He was the one who saved my life, one day in a misty night.
I can still remember how he got stuttered when I taught him how to read.
The feeling when he gave me little flowers, those he found on his evening walk.
The first time he led a prayer.
How he was proud of me and showed it off to his school friends.
How I see big things sparkling in his eyes, those times when everything is big things.

But then that day came.
The day I never thought it would happen soon.
The day he deceived me.

It did not take long for me to realize he is lying.
But I must say he is good.
Everyone is good when it is about self defense, aren't they?
And seeing that, I cannot tell how hurt I was.

"I am your mother, how could you lie to me?"
"I should be the one who protects you, why are you protecting yourself from your protector?"
"Wher…

We need to have dreams.
You know,
something to keep us alive.
Something to look forward of what's in front.

They said.

Ever since, I kept wondering what my dreams are.
I kept looking.
I kept asking.

Until I saw you were dreaming that night
and said my name out loud.
I smiled.

I don't need a dream.
I am happy enough to live a life someone is dreaming about.

Today, I was tagged to post five photos that shows how happy I am as a mother on Facebook. I saw this post yesterday when a friend was being tagged too. I felt nothing. I did not even take a closer look of the photos she posted. Never expected I would be tagged such a thing, but I was.

After finished answering the challenge, i asked myself whether I am really happy being a mother who stays at home at the moment. It took me sometimes to answer.

For the past months, I have been looking for a chance to get back to the office. Some chances come, but none of them I could be sure of. Then I realised, it was not them who I was not sure of. It was me. I only made too much excuses just to translate how I don't want to leave my life today. How those offers cannot compensate the happiness I am bearing at the moment.

Somehow, I know I am being selfish.
But hey, after what I have done ... can't I be one?

I love to be in the pajama all day. I woke up, made some breakfast, take my baby girl …

I experienced the double visions lately. A little accident occurred and needed to have a doctor put a medicated soft lense to heal the cornea faster. Only for a few days.
Hopefully,
my eye gets better,
visions get clearer,
and I am becoming wiser.

Hahaha.

And then I felt funny. I felt everything indeed has double standards.
About what the norms says, what we believe in, what we feel, what we think, nothing is really fixed anyways.

And then I felt the world is slowing down. Suddenly I have much time to do many things. To pray longer, to take care what I have left behind, to say hi to an old friends, to be eager to wait for my kids to do my instructions (if you don't want to call them 'orders' ha ha!).

And then I felt lucky for my life. I felt so blessed surrounded by people who loves me and their persistence to stick around.

Alhamdulillah.

Pagi hari waktu mau berangkat kerja, sebenarnya badan udah ngilu-ngilu enggak enak dari malamnya. Tapi, teman-teman bilang itu cuma sindrom kerja. It happens all the time. Khususnya, setiap habis liburan. Padahal, di kerjaan ini aku cuma dikontrak 10 hari. Masa iya masih harus punya sindrom juga, padahal udah libur 2 tahun?

Briefing pun berjalan lancar. Alhamdulillah koneksi internet hari ini bersahabat. Telecon dengan 5 negara enggak menemui gangguan apapun selain gangguan konsentrasi; karena team leader di ujung sana mukanya mirip banget sama matt damon. Sigh, ... aren't i too old for this hahaha.

Asik-asik kerja, badan tiba-tiba menggigil. Kirain cuma masalah ac aja. Dengan malu hati, dikeluarinlah wind breaker yang biasa dipake naik ojek jadi penghangat tubuh di ruangan itu. Tentunya, ... enggak stylish banget. Warna turquoise gonjreng juga bikin orang nengok dan bertanya "kedinginan???" ... "Bingiiiiiiits" jawab aku.

Jam 4 sore, udah bener-bener enggak tah…

2016 has just begun, I picked up a quote which I believe gonna be my best quote for 2016. My friend wrote this for his wife on facebook. 

"Do you have band aid?  My knees scraped falling for you." 

I had a cheeky life in 2015, and I thank God for that.
Not really peachy, but even if there was hassles; I think I have forgotten all the problems that occurred and managed to get by anyway.

However, the cheeky life can be highlighted in some points:

2015 was the year of finding jewels in high school. 
I met my extracurricular friends and did a reunion. It was funny to have the love story among us finally revealed. great. The reunion went warm and sweet and full of laughter as we came with our kids and acted out like we were still in high school.

Life also happened to let me find my besties, also from high school, back in to a whatsapp group. It happened to be a support system for us. One is a lawyer, one is a fashion designer and a beauty editor, one is an ex banker and is now having her own cakery, one is an odapus volunteer and, ... me. It was great to have so many different point of views when discuss one particular problem. And I realised it once again, that every one is facing a …