wullie wullie

Never I thought a trust that should be applied to children going to be this big. Not only trust in what they tell us, but more of how we can trust them on things they do not know as well. To believe in the options they make in life. To believe how their body heals and how their emotion to cope things. To believe they will survive with their potentials.

For example, when luna got sick. Many times, I did not believe in her body. To me, lab result is the ultimate thing I can count on. Simply because it is visible and accountable. I ignored how she managed to stay cheerful during high fever; that indicated she was actually doing fine and I did not need to worry much.

And I have learnt that trusting our children is damn hard. Specially in their early years before they reach teenage years. Because somehow, a mother just have that kind of hunch about their kids. The good hunch, and the bad one.

What makes it hard for me to trust them is; when I realize that they might not grow to be someone …

Titan flu.
Karena takut tetiba sesak, jadi bobo sama Titan di atas.
Lalu aku pun flu.
Dan aku bermain dengan Luna.
Dan Luna pun flu.
Demi menjaga virus berada pada tempatnya, kami bertiga tidur di atas meninggalkan bubu yang bobo sendirian di bawah. Berhari-hari lamanya.

Bubu kangen Luna. Udah enggak bobo bareng lama banget rasanya.
Pulang kantor bubu cium-cium Luna.
Becanda, ketawa-ketawa.
Enggak lama, Bubu pun bersin-bersin.
Bubu pasang masker.
Bubu flu.

Kita udah mau sembuh dan Bubu flu.
Mencoba sebisa mungkin supaya virus tidak berputar kembali ke siklus awal.
Kita bobo di atas, bubu bobo di bawah.

Halah!
Sembuh ah semuaaa ... sehat sehat sehat!

Ngerasain sakitnya kontraksi 26 jam, checked.
Ngerasain dikhianatin, checked.
Ngerasain ditinggalin, checked.
Ngerasain dibohongin anak sendiri, trust me it hurtssss! (walaupun cuma soal kecil), checked.

Satu momen yang paling susah buat saya, dan mungkin juga para ibu lainnya, adalah memberitakan sebuah kematian pada anak. Apalagi kalau yang meninggal itu tak lain adalah keluarga dekat.

Eyangnya Titan memang sudah agak lama dirawat di rumah sakit. Kita sempat menjenguk beberapa kali. Salah satunya hari kamis itu. Sebuah telfon memberitakan keadaan kritis eyang. Air mata langsung menetes sambil bergumam "Yah, bapak...."

Ternyata, aku kalau lagi panik begitu benar-benar enggak bisa mikir. Totally blank. Segera menelfon taksi dan ke sekolah untuk jemput Titan. Sampai di ruang administrasi pun mata masih basah dan mulut masih terbata-bata memberitakan "Mau jemput Malicca, 2/3 B, family issue. Eyangnya koma."
Petugas administrasi pun langsung berubah air mukanya. Langs…

La Luna is two years and four months now. Day by day, I am starting to realize how drama queen she has become. Sometimes I got easily ticked off. Sometimes, I pretend being a deaf when she tantrums. Here are some lists.

"The world revolves around me"
This is the first drama of all. When she talks, she will not allow you look at other spot. She would just pull off your jaw so you can see her in the eye. And watch she talks, sings or do something.

"If I am upset, I will make sure your life is miserable too."
She cried and cried and will not let you do your things. She will try harder to make you upset too. Like screaming while stepping on your toe, or throw your things to the trash bin, everything but a peaceful you.

"Everything needs to be done, my way. "
If you get wrong doing it, she would ask you to do it again.
Or, a tantrum.

"If I don't get what I want, so does everyone else. "
She is not getting an ice cream because she is having fever.…

"Jadi orang tua itu, harus mau repot lho!" -Dr. Waldi, Spa-



His Facebook status today. Of course, with a story behind it.  The story of a parent who gave their son homeopathy sedative, because they think their son is hyperactive. Dr. Waldi thinks that the child have so much energy and his parents need to channel it instead of giving him sedatives. 
Jleb moment for me. 
I am too lazy to take Luna for a walk, everyday.  I am too lazy to take her bounce a ball or ride a tricycle, every afternoon. I prefer her to squeeze playdough and paint, everyday. And so I can watch her under aircon, and so I could peep my mobile, and so I could play the music on, and so I don't need to make nonsense conversations with the neighbour. 
Oh, two years and I haven't been a better parent.

Maaf ya Titan, La Luna, bunda janji akan jadi lebih baik.
Dan lebih sabar.
Bear with me.

You may not remember this day. May I may too, that is why I choose to write it down for you.
Today, we had a chat on a very early breakfast. 6 am to be exact. So early because you are going for a field trip for your multicultural event.

I told you a story about our neighbour, and elderly grumpy grandpa. I saw him busy trying to hurt a cat with a bamboo. The bamboo got stuck on the bush, instead, he got distracted and tried to get his bamboo back. The cat ran away. As fast as he can.

You laughed hard and you said this.
"You ever told me that when you start your day with whirlwind, you will be upset for the rest of the day. Is it what is going to happen with that grandpa next door?"

"Maybe. I don't know. But yes, I believe that the life itself is magnet. This may not be scientific but I believe it is how our mind works. Your brain grows according to your mind. The nerves get connected one to another. When you think of good things, the good neurons will grow and connec…

Beberapa tahun terakhir ini frugal living lagi gencar lagi. Kalau di tahun delapan puluhan orang jadi kreatif soal musik dan gaya, sekarang ini orang jadi lebih kreatif dalam soal hasta karya dan kebutuhan rumah tangga. Mulai dari home decor, montessori at home dengan segala aktivitas sensorialnya untuk kebutuhan mem-PAUDkan anak di rumah, sampai ke soal jahit menjahit pakaian. Terima kasih sama website-website seperti Pinterest, Instructibles dan semacamnya.

Enggak bisa dipungkirin lagi, kalau hidup memang semakin sulit. Perekonomian lagi berat, bukan cuma di Indonesia aja. Industri oil and gas yang kayanya untouchable aja, sekarang lagi PHK besar-besaran. Lucunya, kalau cerita-cerita soal tips-tips DIY sama nyokap; dia suka ketawa karena tips-tips itu udah ada sejak dia kecil dulu. Jamannya baju bikin sendiri, persis kaya kaya sekarang. Bedanya, kalau sekarang orang mulai PeDe untuk menjual hasil karya mereka. Sekarang, orang mulai pintar berjualan. Terima kasih pada teknologi :)

La…

Pelukan itu menyenangkan ya.
Menghangatkan hati.

Setiap malam, sebelum bobo, saya selalu meminta Luna dan Titan untuk saling peluk.
Kalau mereka berantem, setelah minta maaf enggak lupa harus ada juga gesture peluk dan sun pipi.
Kaya bunda sama bubunya yang lagi marahan, trus peluk-peluk minta maaf di depan anak-anak.

Bubu pengen ngabisin cuti.
Luna lagi seneng nonton Ponyo.
Titan, masih juga keranjingan sama perahu.
Jadi rasanya memang tepat kalau tema liburan kita kali ini adalah P A N T A I

Awalnya, kita berencana untuk ke Belitung. Tapi ternyata setelah tanya-tanya, fasilitas water sport di sana masih kurang mumpuni dan island hoppingnya pun lumayan agak jauh, kurang cocok buat Luna yang masih umur 2 tahun dan takutnya panik saat naik perahu.

Pilihan ke dua sempet tanya-tanya ke roemah pulomanuk  yang ternyata punya si director iklan Isaac Wee. Udah sempat imel-imelan, tapi setelah dipikir-pikir, situasi pantai selatan terlalu hardcore buat anak-anak karena berbatu dan berkarang. Ombaknya yang besar pun lebih cocok untuk para surfer ketimbang bocah-bocah yang kangen laut.

Akhirnya, kita memutuskan untuk pergi ke Pulau Umang. Jauh sih naik mobilnya, tapi Luna bisa survive waktu road trip ke jawa tengah. So, perjalanan 6 jam kayanya sih bakalan aman-aman aja. Naik perahu ke pulaunya pun enggak la…

Oktober baru dua belas hari berlalu.
Tapi, hati dan kepala rasanya berisi banget.
Alhamdulillah.


Yet I complained still. 

Beberapa minggu lalu kembali 'bertemu' dengan teman lama waktu kos jaman kuliah dulu. Anak psikologi '96. Dia menikahi cowok yang dulu dia pacarin yang sekarang lagi sekolah di luar negeri. Sambil nemenin suaminya bikin desertasi, temen saya itu nyambi kerja jadi social worker. Tugasnya, menjadi konselor para pencari suaka.

Awalnya saya enggak peduli sama sekali soal para pencari suaka menyuaka ini. Kadang malah jadi suka becandaan betapa ingin saya mendaftar mencari suaka ke luar negeri. Anything out of Indonesia. Tapi setelah mendengar ceritanya, jadi kasihan sekali rasanya. Terhadap si pencari dan juga terhadap teman saya; yang harus mendengarkan kisah-kisah sedih setiap hari. Dia bilang, pulang dari kantor rasanya sudah kering sekali. Emotionally drained.

Yeah, I feel you. Saya cuma bisa bilang begitu.

Para pencari suaka itu menjual harta di tanah a…

just went down the stairs to see him.
kinda miss my guy.
but of course, i have that big pride to say it *palm face*
and so i brought him a bowl of apple and warm toast with melted cheese inside.
i saw him sipped the ginger tea i made for him previously.
he has been working late.
much as always.

before our life now, i ever had a dream of us.
that we sat together on a couch.
me busy watching the telly and he got busy with his laptop.
as what is happening now.
i had those dreams (literally) a lot back then.
me and him.
as our path united, the dreams started to fade and becomes reality.
he was obviously the antidote.
he keeps my astral. he keeps me sane and throw away my anxiety when i sleep.

he is one of the passionate person i know.
he knows what he wants, full of determination but has a great faith of destiny.
when he fails, he just stops to start again.

he waited me for fourteen years.
the only thing if i ever have to repeat life, this is the thing i don't want to.
even if it is…

Akhir-akhir ini, sering kepikiran soal masa pensiun. Saya bekerja sekitar 13 tahun. Kalau dihitung usia pensiun dari umur 55 dan saya hidup sampai umur 80 tahun, berarti ada 25 tahun masa pensiun yang harus saya biayai. Itu kalau saya berhenti bekerja di umur 55. Karena saya berhenti bekerja di umur 34, maka jumlah tahun tidak produktif saya menjadi 25 ditambah 21 tahun.

Yep, 46 years in total.

Tinggal berdekatan bersama orang tua yang sudah belasan tahun pensiun, sedikit banyak membuka mata saya. Hidup di usia tujuh puluhan dan bersahabat dengan suplemen. Melihat anak-anak beranak pinak dan ikut memikirkan masalah mereka yang semakin pelik; lebih pelik daripada memikirkan mau memilih sekolah dimana saat mereka kecil dahulu. Kebosanan yang amat sangat ketemu pasangan terus menerus dan berdiam di rumah berzaman-zaman (bukan lagi berjam-jam). Belum lagi perasaan sensitif karena post-power symdrome, jadi melihat segala sesuatu termasuk kritikan menjadi negatif dan menyalahkan diri sendir…

I think,
one of the bless for a wife is to have a husband who will eat anything she cooks for him.
Imagine if you have to take another complaints after hours of cooking and clean up all the dirty utensils after you cook. What even more hurting is when he doesn't touch the food at all.
Aw, it is so rude!

Since Ariawan changed his eating habit to food combining, I must say that I am a little bit out of hands. Morning is easy. Lunch is a bit tricky. But dinner, is the hardest part because I need to vary my recipes of cooking animals. The two legged animals are boring, the four legged animals are hard to bite (because I don't have pressure cooker) and those with fins are smelly.

I managed to bake the fins tonight, anyway. Tasted so so, hubby and kids did not look excited but they ate it anyway. Need to try harder next time.

Having a house is a forever commitment. After ten years, we finally managed to have a kitchen and dining table just as we wish for it to be. The colour, the organizing (yes! I managed myself to declutter all those stuffs!) the stool and the dish dryer rack I have been searching for quite sometimes; I found it in coincident.

It five boxes out to declutter.
I am proud of myself how I can live less in the kitchen.
I am happy.

Suppa happy!

Kinfolk. What Kinfolk?
My house is so way way way out of monochrome.
Sometimes I wanted its kind of style. But real life gives me much colors. That means drawings of my kids and the wall for them to show off.

I cannot stand 'cold' and 'clean' settings.
I think it is not ... organic.
It is so ... pretentious.

The house I am living now, a bestie said that it is so me.
Oh well, ... who else can it be?
Hubby always say, do whatever you wish for them to be.

I am a blessed mother.  Sometimes I am afraid that it is too much and I will expect so much more.  Sometimes I am afraid I cannot bear the disappointment. 
I am raising such a gentle boy.  The one who communicates really well since he was a toddler.  The one who took care of me really really well when there was no one but just the two of us.  The one who seals my mouth when he was being sarcastic, ... he got it from me. 
God knows how much the love I have for you. 

Kali ke dua mencoba menyapih Luna. Malam ini tepat malam ke tujuh Luna bisa bobo malam tanpa nenen. Perlahan mulai hilang crankynya, walau masih kebangun tengah malam mencari sudut kenyamanannya di dadaku.

Ternyata benar, menyapih itu butuh kekuatan dan keberanian bagi keduanya. Like it takes two to tango, masing-masing saling menguatkan. Terima kasih pada alam, yang membuat semua ini terjadi. Karena kalau enggak ada edisi muntah-muntah lagi seperti Juli lalu; mungkin saat ini Luna masih nenen juga.

Aku enggak pernah nge-set timing kapan Luna harus berhenti menyusu, karena seperti yang pernah aku ceritain di sini beberapa bulan lalu; kegiatan ini sama-sama menyenangkan buat kita berdua. Jadi mau sampai 3 tahun atau 4 tahun pun aku enggak keberatan. Tapi, terima kasih sama dokter rossie yang mengingatkan, kalau umur 3 tahun fase oral harus sudah selesai. Itu artinya, fase nenen dan coba-coba semua masuk ke mulut udah harus selesai. Luna sudah harus bisa dididik untuk berhenti itu semua…

Nini cerita, sepulang sekolah tadi Aki langsung memeluk Titan.

"Titan, aki minta maaf ya semalam marah-marah ngajarin Titan. Abis Titan sih, kalau diajarin tuh yang fokus dong. Titan maafin aki, enggak?"

"Iya Ki, Titan maafin aki kok."


Selang beberapa waktu kemudian ... 

"Bunda, Titan udah temenan lagi sama aki."

"Oh ya?"

"Iya, aki sudah minta maaf sama Titan."

"O gitu, bagus dong. Trus Titan maafin enggak?"

"Iya dong, masa orang udah minta maaf enggak dimaafin."


Men of my life. How I love them. 

Seringkali kita berdoa meminta kemudahan, 
tapi kita lupa meminta kekuatan untuk melaluinya.
Seperti halnya kita sering berdoa agar diberi petunjuk, 
tapi kita lupa berdoa untuk diberi kemampuan 'membaca' petunjukNya. 

"Late, kan?"

"Oh yup. Thanks. Masih inget aja."Kataku basa-basi.

I never like coffee, if only you ever knew. They make me tremble, so Late was the only coffee I could bear because two-third of the cup was only plain milk.  

You gave me the cup and smiled.

Ouch, that smile again. And those pockety-lack of sleep eyes hiding behind your spectacles. You said man should sleep lesser than a woman. And It meant a lot. It could mean they work harder. It could also mean they slept later so they could watch their woman sleep peacefully and secretly traces their wrinkles. Count their eye lashes. Kiss her goodnight, put a blanket on her and back to work. 'Till the dawn comes. 

"Diminum, dong."

"Oh, iya."

Shite, why I was a bit nervous. Wait, ... a bit? I was nervous. Totally. 
I held my cup tight and had a sip. But my lips never touched the Late. I prefered watched you sipped. Warmth slowly traces down my throat just by seeing you sipped the coffee. Gosh, .…