bed time story

jadi, ada cerita apa hari ini?
nda, titan ceritanya sambil merem ya. titan ngantuuuk banget.
oh, it's okay. bobo aja yuk kalau gitu ...

for the past months, i have been enjoying my bed time routines with the kids. at eight pm, the three of us already got into our bedroom and had some fun. mostly, quiet time session. the session without jumping around like monkeys or rolling-on-the-floor-laugh. we spent an hour for sharing, read some books or like the past days, did a pillow talk with kakak titan while i nursed la luna.

i always sleep in the middle with the kids beside me. kakak titan on the left and la luna on the right, or vice versa. yes, i had to be in the middle because kakak titan wanted to hug me as well, an option if he was not allowed to nurse (and of course he would not). in the middle of the night, the arrangement could change. of course, it always changes.

the hugs, the pillow talk, the laughter, have became my favourite moment of the day. every single day. it was so beautiful i did not want to miss the moment even to capture the moment. sometimes it made me thinking, am i doing the right thing, doing the co sleeping. until when? but then the alter ego strikes, why bother? we both feel fine with it.

when they fell into their dreams, i often watch their face. thisclose. that close i could even count their eyelashes. reminiscing the first time i held them in my arms. the first time i heard them cry. the first time malicca got into his school. the so many times i got angry because of small things. the so many words i have spoken that might have hurt them. the so many big dreams for them. the so many question what i should do to protect them. the values i have or have not taught them.

and by then, i usually cried. if only i had better. if only time did not fly so fast. if only i could always be with them, till the end of time and forever more. if only things in the world is always like what it seems. but i know they will not. my children are gonna get hurt someday, and i will be feeling hurt too because of it.

after that, i slept and woke up for the morning errands.
and yes, the world rolling out once again.

bunda, titan mau sama bunda terus. nanti masuk surga sama-sama bunda juga. malicca said to me one night.

i bet every mother would cry listening their children said those kind of wish. but mommies cannot cry for illogical reasons in front of their kids, right? because mommies know, that kind of wish cannot happen.

amin, sayang. amin.