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Here, now

1:21 am and wide-awake.
Sleepy, but there is this feeling that I am feeling and I still want to enjoy every second of it.

The "now-what?" or "what's next" question that is no longer haunting me, unlike yesterday.

The "I do not know" answer that I used to hate and now has become my favourite one.

I am feeling fuzzy and content at the same time and I am so much enjoying it I cannot believe and keep asking "how did I get to this point?'

I feel overwhelmed of my resignation. Yes, after 13 years working in the industry.
Today is my last day working in the office and I sealed the day with a quick-but-cute mom & son date over ice tea and Malayan toasts.

Yeah, ... how did I get this point? I think these might be the answers.

I am not alone. 

I am blessed with a loving husband who can make me feel secure about life and my day-to-day mayhem. He taught me life is not about who-do-what, but a let's-do-something-about-it-spirit instead. So when I told him my intention to resign, he said "Then do it."

When life is not a solid rock but a rhythm we dance and we can do adjustment at anytime.
I asked him "What if's?" he said "Just try it first. If it fails, then we can discuss it again."

We live based on priority.

We avoid malls and unnecessary tangibles. We invested on education and renovated the house to have activity room so we can have better quality time for the family. We lessen watch the TV and do a family project instead. Hence, we can save more money and I feel secure about my resignation.

Carefully do the math.

To do the math of living, it is important for me to know myself. To know what I am doing and why.

Not so long ago, there was a point when I asked myself "What the hell am I doing here where I can be way more useful in some other place?" The point when I realise I have been too much working-on life and not living it instead.


I think those are the points that has led me to this point, and I am so grateful.
For my life now.
For what happened in the past.
For the people I love, ... and they simply love me back.


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love is love. marriage is another thing.

of all the things I ever wondered, ... I think I never wonder whom my kids will be married to. or to picture myself holding grand babies. not just a not yet, I think it is simply too hard to bear and too absurd to think of. but then I promise myself. I promise I will not ever push titan and luna to get married or even if they are married; I will not ask them when to have kids.

many times I wondered that marriage is overrated. and the only reason to get married is not love, but to realise life is too hard to bear when you are all alone. because, however, marriage is a conditional love. hubby once said, marriage is not all fancy and glitter. the lowest it can get is, to keep functioning and it will survive. how both parties can be functional one to another, is another story.

to ariawan, a guy of mine,
the one who always wake me up from my princessy dreams. love you.

Three hours late.

2 AM and I stepped in to the house. Hubby was waiting for me. This was not the first time, and not the latest hour I had ever experienced with over time.

"See you soon Bunda. Or at 8, or at 9, or at 10, or at 11 like you said you would be late." Said my son.

I smiled as I entered the house. I smelled home. I saw my beautiful mess. As I picked up some toys on the floor, I imagined what games the kids had played today. There was a drawing, mini ceramics pots, not too chaotic for kids who were left with nini and aki without nannies.

I also saw their time tables, with some check marks on the list. Those that they weren't checked was the responsibility to wash their own dishes. I saw some dirty cups piling up. I saw the microwave's door left half-opened, a baking sheet and a knife. I wonder what they have cooked.
I also saw minecraft was in active window and some search on youtube and google.

Getting home in this hour and not seeing their faces but seeing all the mess the…

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