Saturday, 31 December 2011


Hwell well ... year of 2011 was the most tiring year I ever been through. It was the year of lost and found. The loss taught me how to survive, the found taught me how to learn myself again and to believe there was always hope. Somehow the lost and found made me stronger now. 
2011 was also the year of getting back home, the year of fixing up domestic matters literally and tidied up my emotion to their respective shelves. That was why, for some, I was hard to find. Because I folded in my wings and put my priorities only to closest people who kept me stronger. 2011 that was, ... the year of hitting the lowest point yet gave me the highest bounce so far. I loved it. 

There are some highlights I want to share, yet I see it as a learning not regret. 
On marriage
After some rocky era I finally decided to let go of it. It was sad however, to realize both of us were in love when we were young but then grew apart when we grew up. I tried, my best, but it is always takes two to tango. We could not save the marriage but we tried to save what was left from it: our son. 

Our love for Malicca and our commitment as parents, those were the things that made this separation was not as ugly as people thought it was. Set aside talked about love, we tried to give each other some space to take part in Malicca's parenting. It was hard, I tell you. However ego played a big role in here. But for Malicca's good, we both tried to lower our ego down and still trying.   

Nobody asked me whether I still believe in marriage or not. But to tell you the truth, I still do. To add with, off all what happened, I am grateful I was open-minded enough (even before I got married) to think that separation though it is rare but normal to happen. Because like my mom said, everything in this world has their expiry date so we should enjoy while they last.  

Strangely, I also found some similar stories amongst my friends that reminded me what my friend Haekal once said: "People like us always find each other." Now I fully understood what he meant. Us in here doesn't always mean me and him, but "us" as in we will always find a way to survive by meeting others who are on the same page who were somehow, gave me the support system I needed. I also feel lucky for I got the support from people around me including my new office management who let me skipped several working days to attend the trials or many times, when Malicca got sick. I am a lucky girl. 
On Malicca
I always thought he was my satellite, but I think he was not. In contrary, he has always been the planet and I am his satellite, for his gravity has always been the one that keeps me survive and stays in orbital. I don’t know what would my life be without my him. He has stronger magnet that pulls me back on track every time I slipped. Malicca I used to hold in my arms, actually had been the Life Guru I learned a lot from. How he became a little man and with his own ways, he took care of and protected me. He held my hand when we walked; he told me not to worry for he was there with me, he was alert when anything goes wrong in the house, he was (and will always be) my strength and the reason why I am standing still up to this moment.

On you
Nothing more I could say to you than thank you, yes you. I thank you for keep trying harder for me, Malicca and us. I hope you find your happiness too in us :)

On family and friend
Little did I know on 2011 was that I would be a single fighter, literally. To take care of the house with no maid, to experience Malicca’s first time schooler, to work on the paperworks and dealt with bureaucracies, to be a bread winner, to be a mother and father, to be the wife and husband at the same time. There were times when Malicca sick a lot and I needed to always standby at night and I needed to keep strong when Emergency Room became casual. There were times when I thought I had to be able to be everything. Times when I pushed myself more to fix things but unfortunately; the more I push myself the more the damage I then made. 

Luckily, there were friends around me who never stop loving me. Though I was a bit folding in my wings, they'd never get frustrated to remind me that they were there for me to talk to, to get me through this phase, to find me another job so I could save more for the future, not forgetting the late-at-night phone calls or buzz when I was down. 

There were also my family who understood when to ask me or when to stop. My dad who has always been my guardian angel and told me to be always brave for I am not alone, my mother who has always been my invisible spine, my son who has always been that little spark in the dark that glows my path and you who has always been invisible but your love was so real. I don't know what life I would encounter without you all.

On domestic matters
I am a domestic person. I rarely go out if I don't have any purposes. It broke my heart to see the house I was in to was also the house that was long forgotten and abandoned. Cold and quiet it was. 
Then with the help from my father, mom and bubu, we tried to enliven the house again. We continued the delayed projects, we built a swing and tree house for Malicca, we planted more plants, we redecorated, we started to dine and camping in the back yard, me back to cook, my life slowly returned. 

On new things
I knew I was very out of date this year, but somehow I experienced so many new things. I took Malicca to his first day of school and it was my first time as well to take a kid to school, to get acquaintance with his teacher and other parents. My first time ride on Ojek to office, my first time watching Malicca’s first school performance and I cried, also my first time getting a hand-made card on Mother's day. 

On achievements
No, I did not win any advertising awards this year. But I am very proud, on my darkest moment I was still able to do investment and finally able to enroll Malicca to the school I had been dreaming of :) To add with, I managed to create another two blogs. Yeay! 

Two thousand and eleven and I was thirty two years old and I got through so much and I am glad and grateful for them. I don't really have any resolution for 2012 ... but only one, will try to enjoy the now moment without worrying too much the next one.

Happy new year, everyone!

Friday, 2 December 2011

The day I doubt my dream

Today is December 1st 2011, the day when a parent got very sad because of their daughter was cancelled to enter the Elementary School because of a stupid reason: he is the daughter of an HIV+ father. But me, I cannot believe myself what I am holding now: an acceptance letter of Malicca joining a school.  

To tell you the truth, I fell in love with the philosophy of the school from the first time I came to its Open House. I think it was when Malicca was about two years old. Being pessimistic about its tuition, and so I thought getting to the school can only be a dream. But like people say, don’t ever underestimate the power of dream. And from what I am holding now, yet I still think it is a dream. Is it coming true? Is it what is best for my son? After all these years of looking, is it the best one I have been looking for? Is this it? Is it the one? Up to this moment, I still do not know the answer whether it is the best school for my son, or not.

Then Bubu asked me whether I am sure my parent knew what was the best for me? I got silent for a few minutes. I said I do not know, then he continued. “No parents in this world know what is best for their children. All they can do is do the best.” He said.

Then Bubu told me about what his late father had said to him, that every school is good only if the kid loves learning there. And a parent’s responsibility is to find the school that our kids love. No matter how hard or how many schools he needs to get in. “So, no matter how much you have paid for the school; if he doesn’t like it; promised yourself that you will keep looking for what he likes. Never. Ever. Think. About. How. Much. Money. You. Have. Spent.” Bubu underlined.

Maybe he is right. No, I think he is right. This school might not be the best of all, but it is the best I can do for now.