wullie wullie

A dearly friend was having a birthday yesterday. And she spent most of the day pampering herself. Did a massage, bought a pair of jeans and bangles, but I am very sure what matter the most was she enjoyed herself of being 29.

And at the same day, I surrendered myself getting trapped in a bookstore I always love: Kinokuniya, while the rain was pouring hard. There I was, sitting on the floor facing hundreds of books in hobby and craft section with Bono banging my ears. It has been a very long time since I had my Kinokuniya time. The last time I remembered was … maybe eight years ago.

“Happiness is a word for a feeling. Feelings are rarely understood; in a moment they are quickly forgotten and misremembered.” – Dr. Henry Carter, Shrink movie.

Yes, I most of the times lost in things I thought would make me happy. And it turns out, that I was not really happy after all. Instead, a simple thing like being alone for a while and got drown in the ocean of words could really made my day. And…

There I was, flying in between the clouds. With my two hands that were so tiny to bear the huge clouds. Clouds that used to be white and light as cotton, it became dark and swollen. It was almost raining. Then I stopped flying for a little while and enjoyed the scenery while floating in the air.

In a point of your life, when you just don’t know what to do, all you need is just admitting. And amazingly, the bulky swollen dark clouds started rearranged themselves into thin layers. It was thinner and thinner until I finally saw the clearer sky.

There I was with a beautiful stranger. Tanned skin, brownish shoulder-length hair, his hazel eyes greeted me. The sand beach sprinkle on his cheek gave a little spark for my day. In one word, he was an olive. We chat, we laughed under the starry sky and lulled by the whisper of the wave. No judgments, no assumptions, no demands, no expectation. For we thought we would never meet again in the other day. We just cherished the day we met and be gratefu…

Mereka

saat mata sudah tenggelam,
ada orang-orang yang baru saja menyongsong harinya.

- Anantara, untuk pesawat yang baru saja lepas landas di merah jingga surya -

"
itukah kenapa Tuhan memberiku rasa?
agar aku tak melulu bertanya kenapa dan bagaimana?
"

-Anantara, amongst the sips of Bali Colada-

Matahari di Anantara

(aku pikir)
hari yang biasa
dimana ia telah selesai menempuh perjalanannya
dengan mata yang melorot, menyentuh ujung senja

(aku pikir)
hari yang biasa.
(aku rasa)
tidak.

di sini, hari ini,
di tempat yang sama
tapi dengan rasa yang berbeda

saat berada di titik akhir, aku berpikir bagaimana semua berawal

saat hari berkumpul, bergumul, meluncur tak beratur serta tak lagi mampu diatur dan aku, kamu, dia, dan mereka menjadi satu dalam hari. kita bertemu, bersinggungan dan bergandengan. kenapa hari ini? kenapa tidak hari kemarin? kamu. dia. mereka. aku. seringkali semua membuatku meronta. tapi lebih seringnya, … membuatku lupa.

(aku pikir)
hari yang biasa.
(aku rasa)
tidak.

tiga puluh kali aku mengelilingi matahari. tapi tak penuhnya aku mengerti diri, hingga detik ini. mungkin nanti, saat ragaku berganti dengan yang lain lagi. itulah kenapa Tuhan memberiku rasa? hingga aku tak hanya bertanya kenapa dan bagaimana?

(aku pikir)
hari yang biasa.
(aku rasa)
tidak.

seperti yang selalu…

funny. what a funny life. no matter how hard I tried ( I mean it when i wrote the 'hard' part), this is the journey I have to bear alone.
Even at the last minutes of the departure, when i still try (even harder).

in life or death, we are all gonna be alone.

and this is my first flight alone, to go to somewhere I do not know what I'm looking for.
viva la vida is banging my ear, as the plane took off its ground.
and I laughed.

gracias ala vida.
thanks to life.
what have I not experienced in my year of 30.
i felt so rich.
i have experienced a life full of love.
and full of those people around who loves me.

thank you God.
i know I always be the one who always have my fear deep in me: to be alone.
but I knew somehow, also deep in me, I always have the courage to always try.

the plane took off its ground.
giving me a beautiful scenery of the cottony clouds.
and I was looking at my own tiny hands.
can i bear these?
and the clowds slowly rearranged themselves.…

I am color...blind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am

taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine

I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding

I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am.... fine
I am fine

ps: Rio, thank you for the song!