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On my own

I am sitting on a black removable chair, here, feeling so uncomfortable but do not know what is really happening. I have been trying to express what I really feel inside. I played music, I made some phone calls to my friend, I tried to write over and over, but they'd never come in to one piece of writing. Either talk to hem did not give me any answer.

For a while, I am feeling so lonely.

It's like you're driving a car. A new Volkswagen ones. With bright colour. Awsome! But the car is stopping now. And you are looking at the side-mirror, watching the road you went through. The path you checkered. The glory you won. The stupidity you made. The blooming roses you watered. The chances you missed. The laugh you gave. The tears you shared. The bound you create.

... feels like it's been years ago.

And suddenly I look at the road right in front of me.

I could imagine perfectly a time of night, when I was told that it is so different between an aim and a dream.

I miss my dreams.
I miss my dreams!

Then suddenly I realise I have turned all my dreams into aims. Most of them. Deep inside I feel those grumbled things crowd every single corner of my soul.

And still I am in my fabulous car that is still stopping now. Trying to close my eyes and feel I was really there, walking through a full of fallen leaves road and kicking them once or twice. It is autum and winter is coming soon.

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love is love. marriage is another thing.

of all the things I ever wondered, ... I think I never wonder whom my kids will be married to. or to picture myself holding grand babies. not just a not yet, I think it is simply too hard to bear and too absurd to think of. but then I promise myself. I promise I will not ever push titan and luna to get married or even if they are married; I will not ask them when to have kids.

many times I wondered that marriage is overrated. and the only reason to get married is not love, but to realise life is too hard to bear when you are all alone. because, however, marriage is a conditional love. hubby once said, marriage is not all fancy and glitter. the lowest it can get is, to keep functioning and it will survive. how both parties can be functional one to another, is another story.

to ariawan, a guy of mine,
the one who always wake me up from my princessy dreams. love you.



Three hours late.

2 AM and I stepped in to the house. Hubby was waiting for me. This was not the first time, and not the latest hour I had ever experienced with over time.

"See you soon Bunda. Or at 8, or at 9, or at 10, or at 11 like you said you would be late." Said my son.

I smiled as I entered the house. I smelled home. I saw my beautiful mess. As I picked up some toys on the floor, I imagined what games the kids had played today. There was a drawing, mini ceramics pots, not too chaotic for kids who were left with nini and aki without nannies.

I also saw their time tables, with some check marks on the list. Those that they weren't checked was the responsibility to wash their own dishes. I saw some dirty cups piling up. I saw the microwave's door left half-opened, a baking sheet and a knife. I wonder what they have cooked.
I also saw minecraft was in active window and some search on youtube and google.

Getting home in this hour and not seeing their faces but seeing all the mess the…

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