Thursday, February 25, 2016

The point of no return.

I think I have forgotten the last time I planned my life. So are thinking of things (material things) and the urge of having them like branded stuffs, luxurious vacations and great gifts for my love ones. Either because of the aging things, the things happened in my life that made me this way, or somehow my significant others who affected me somehow, someway. But for sure, I kind of lost that big chunk of me. The chunk that drives me to the upper ground and bloom when the weather is good.

I have been hibernating. I have been keeping myself underground for the reasons I made up, and I lost many chances because of it. I am not regretting it. I love and enjoyed it so very much.
Well, who doesn't?

I woke up with baby smell every morning. I can hug her every time, sing with her, bath with her, and everything. I worked for a super sexy brand once in a while that took me abroad. I read some books, I had massages very often, I had some holidays with family more than ever, ... a super lux life that ever happened to me.

But then the big question rose. So, what am i? A full time mother? Well, to be honest ... not really. I didn't cook much. I didn't clean up much. I didn't do much and I didn't go out much. So, am I just a lazy lady? Those who uses husband's money to be alive?

I always know, the life itself is like a seismograph. There is no way in life something would happen out of your pattern all of a sudden. There must be some signs, some intros some personal guts before the climax strikes. And anyways, I got the best experience by being so very picky in my hibernation times.

A best friend of mine said her answer when I wondered about the situation. "Just enjoy, when the time comes, it comes." Ariawan, being so logical like he always does, only said "To make a change, you need power. You need energy, like boiling water need a fire. You were just lacking of energy now and since you are fully hibernated, you think that you are ready to get back." and I am thank you for that, dear husband. I know I always have your support to do whatever I want in life, though somehow it ticked my pride too when I saw how big his willingness is to give all his have for me. For us. It was also hurt my pride too to see how passionate he was in doing everything he did, though he did not sleep for three weeks for the past projects. All in all, it was not about giving all he has for others. It was about giving all his might to himself.

I think my hibernation will be over soon. I sense the sun is coming up (again and again), giving me chances like it always did. It is just different now. Well, not so different afterall. I have been in most situations and I survived. I am proud of myself for going through this far.

Fighting!


Sunday, February 14, 2016

It hurts, son.

What do you see when you see your child?

I can still remember his first cry.
Soft and weak, I almost lost my breath when I kissed him the first time.
He was the one who saved my life, one day in a misty night.
I can still remember how he got stuttered when I taught him how to read.
The feeling when he gave me little flowers, those he found on his evening walk.
The first time he led a prayer.
How he was proud of me and showed it off to his school friends.
How I see big things sparkling in his eyes, those times when everything is big things.

But then that day came.
The day I never thought it would happen soon.
The day he deceived me.

It did not take long for me to realize he is lying.
But I must say he is good.
Everyone is good when it is about self defense, aren't they?
And seeing that, I cannot tell how hurt I was.

"I am your mother, how could you lie to me?"
"I should be the one who protects you, why are you protecting yourself from your protector?"
"Where did you get the idea from? Did you pick it from me to be the best liar?"
Those were what comes to mind but I did not utter.

There I realize that my baby boy has all grown up in another step.
He is completely human with his shields to protect himself.
My little guy he is.
He is not an angel, afterall.


Malicca, you learnt best to survive by lying at the age of 8 years and 9 months.

Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Dream.

We need to have dreams.
You know,
something to keep us alive.
Something to look forward of what's in front.

They said.

Ever since, I kept wondering what my dreams are.
I kept looking.
I kept asking.

Until I saw you were dreaming that night
and said my name out loud.
I smiled.

I don't need a dream.
I am happy enough to live a life someone is dreaming about.

I am a happy mother

Today, I was tagged to post five photos that shows how happy I am as a mother on Facebook. I saw this post yesterday when a friend was being tagged too. I felt nothing. I did not even take a closer look of the photos she posted. Never expected I would be tagged such a thing, but I was.

After finished answering the challenge, i asked myself whether I am really happy being a mother who stays at home at the moment. It took me sometimes to answer.

For the past months, I have been looking for a chance to get back to the office. Some chances come, but none of them I could be sure of. Then I realised, it was not them who I was not sure of. It was me. I only made too much excuses just to translate how I don't want to leave my life today. How those offers cannot compensate the happiness I am bearing at the moment.

Somehow, I know I am being selfish.
But hey, after what I have done ... can't I be one?

I love to be in the pajama all day. I woke up, made some breakfast, take my baby girl to shower, teaching her all the things I know in life, talking endless to my son, texted hubby to come early, I am still enjoying it somehow.

***

"I often come upstairs in the middle of the night just to see whether you were okay, son. I tugged you in the blanket, I slept beside you and whispered all the good words I know for you to be. Do you know that?"

"I know. Last night you talked about how healthy you wanted me to be, right?"

"O, yes. I thought you were sleeping."

"I was. But I could hear your voice."

"Oh, then it is easier to talk to you in your sleep. Because you usually did not listen even when your eyes wide out."

And my big boy hugged me. I know he was sorry, I know he loves me much, I know he loves me being at home. Seeing her brother hugged me, little Luna came along and kissed me. On the lips, like always.

There.
And I am happy to see my children happy.
Then I know I am a happy mother.

I dedicate this post to my sister Yuniar, thank you for tagging me.

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