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many things happened before april and they got me thinking and rethinking about love, motherhood, about being a better child and how to raise better children. about how i would survive my retire years. about how to survive marriage. about understanding a man deeply. about friendship. about illness that can attack us at anytime.

now i am a step closer to forty than to thirty, ... how does it feel?

well, ... i feel old obviously. i might have spent half of my life living.
i feel worry too, because i might have done less good deeds compare to the bad ones.
i feel lucky to have my parents congratulated and hugged me at early morning.
i feel blessed to have a loving hubby, lovable children and managed myself to finally enjoy (after one and a half year) my role as a stay at home mother.

i was raised like a champion breed and treated like a princess for being the only daughter to my parents. i had my worst time being depressed at school, i had my years as champion in college and working life. i had my broken marriage. i rebuild a family with a guy deserted me once. a best friend left me without saying goodbye. i failed a 26 hours contraction. i am a mother of two. i quit my job. i don't think i need anything more.

whatever happens, my plate will cater the same portion and will always do. it is just my skill that needs to be sharpen to make them balance ... and eatable.

chew life. be grateful. happy birthday, me.

- thank you la luna, for being a constant reminder that i am raising a better me - 

- thank you titan, for being my possible hero - 








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love is love. marriage is another thing.

of all the things I ever wondered, ... I think I never wonder whom my kids will be married to. or to picture myself holding grand babies. not just a not yet, I think it is simply too hard to bear and too absurd to think of. but then I promise myself. I promise I will not ever push titan and luna to get married or even if they are married; I will not ask them when to have kids.

many times I wondered that marriage is overrated. and the only reason to get married is not love, but to realise life is too hard to bear when you are all alone. because, however, marriage is a conditional love. hubby once said, marriage is not all fancy and glitter. the lowest it can get is, to keep functioning and it will survive. how both parties can be functional one to another, is another story.

to ariawan, a guy of mine,
the one who always wake me up from my princessy dreams. love you.



Three hours late.

2 AM and I stepped in to the house. Hubby was waiting for me. This was not the first time, and not the latest hour I had ever experienced with over time.

"See you soon Bunda. Or at 8, or at 9, or at 10, or at 11 like you said you would be late." Said my son.

I smiled as I entered the house. I smelled home. I saw my beautiful mess. As I picked up some toys on the floor, I imagined what games the kids had played today. There was a drawing, mini ceramics pots, not too chaotic for kids who were left with nini and aki without nannies.

I also saw their time tables, with some check marks on the list. Those that they weren't checked was the responsibility to wash their own dishes. I saw some dirty cups piling up. I saw the microwave's door left half-opened, a baking sheet and a knife. I wonder what they have cooked.
I also saw minecraft was in active window and some search on youtube and google.

Getting home in this hour and not seeing their faces but seeing all the mess the…

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