Skip to main content


have you ever wonder what kind of life you and your kids will have when you get old?
i mean ... those rhetorical questions like would the kids be a good boy and girl in the future? would they be useful for the community? would they be useful for themselves? would they have a good job or career? would they survive the world? what would they think of you, their parents? would they take care of you as you will have a gradual hearing loss, memory loss and live as a retiree with limited amount of money? would they be happy? would you be happy seeing them?

well, i do. and i am sure you do too.

and having said that, since i would never be able to answer that, i reflect myself to what is happening to me now and my relation with my parents and other family members. have i been a good child? have they fed me with halal? what mistakes and goods they have made, all the deeds that make me what i am today: a karma for my parents.

and my children, will be my karma too.

then suddenly i am in a deep mourn, because the big question arise: have i been a good mother? have i done the right thing for them? because i think, i have not. i could have been better and want to be better. but how? what is a better mom in criteria? i don't have the checklists. would it be no more bribes? would it be no more toys? would it be giving all they want? would it be letting them do what makes them happy?

then what if they asks the mistakes i have done? the obvious ones? the path i have taken? and if i answer them, what if they cannot accept my reasons? would i be the one to blame? would they know that i only got one chance to be a parent? and in this case, their parent. would they understand, that many times, i also do not know what to do.

to my kids, malicca and la luna.
you are the chance that i have, and the only chance god gives me to be a mother. there is no way you can get back to my tummy and god definitely did not do a mistake sending you two to me. because we are made for each other.
and if i do something wrong, ever, and i am sure i will (or did), would you please forgive me? because as you grow each day, i also learn new things about you and about myself. because we all change every single day, it is just sometimes we forget to tell what the changes are.

i love you satellites.
how many times i have told you that it is not you who runs around me, it is you two that has been the centre of my gravity.


Popular posts from this blog

love is love. marriage is another thing.

of all the things I ever wondered, ... I think I never wonder whom my kids will be married to. or to picture myself holding grand babies. not just a not yet, I think it is simply too hard to bear and too absurd to think of. but then I promise myself. I promise I will not ever push titan and luna to get married or even if they are married; I will not ask them when to have kids.

many times I wondered that marriage is overrated. and the only reason to get married is not love, but to realise life is too hard to bear when you are all alone. because, however, marriage is a conditional love. hubby once said, marriage is not all fancy and glitter. the lowest it can get is, to keep functioning and it will survive. how both parties can be functional one to another, is another story.

to ariawan, a guy of mine,
the one who always wake me up from my princessy dreams. love you.

Three hours late.

2 AM and I stepped in to the house. Hubby was waiting for me. This was not the first time, and not the latest hour I had ever experienced with over time.

"See you soon Bunda. Or at 8, or at 9, or at 10, or at 11 like you said you would be late." Said my son.

I smiled as I entered the house. I smelled home. I saw my beautiful mess. As I picked up some toys on the floor, I imagined what games the kids had played today. There was a drawing, mini ceramics pots, not too chaotic for kids who were left with nini and aki without nannies.

I also saw their time tables, with some check marks on the list. Those that they weren't checked was the responsibility to wash their own dishes. I saw some dirty cups piling up. I saw the microwave's door left half-opened, a baking sheet and a knife. I wonder what they have cooked.
I also saw minecraft was in active window and some search on youtube and google.

Getting home in this hour and not seeing their faces but seeing all the mess the…

Life. Just like what I wanted.

Tiga belas bulan yang lalu, saya memutuskan untuk kembali bekerja setelah 2,5 tahun jadi freelance (tapi lebih banyak free-nya sih hahaha). Satu-satunya yang bikin saya merasa harus bekerja ya cuma Apple. Sisanya, banyak project yang saya tolak-tolakin karena males aja sih intinya. Belaguk bangetlah pokoknya.

Setelah merasa udah nggak produktif lagi di rumah, otak berasa tumpul dan rasa percaya diri udah nyungsep, saat itulah saya terima tawaran untuk kembali ke advertising. Banyak yang nyinyir sih, menganggap industri itu gelap banget dan ngapain udah enak-enak di rumah kok ya balik ngantor. Alasannya cuma satu: bosen di rumah.

Enggak tahu hal baik apa yang telah saya lakukan dalam hidup, ternyata saya dianugerahi tim yang baiiiiik banget. Anaknya manis-manis, good attitude dan yang paling penting; penuh tanggung jawab. Saya ngerasa banyak belajar dari mereka. Mulai hal baru di luaran sana sampai cara pakai krim mata. Enggak sedikit juga kesedihan yang kita tanggung bareng-bareng, da…