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The story of (not so) a tiger mom

Baru juga kemarin nulis soal P4 and I really felt like a tiger mom. Tonight, I paid a visit to a neurologist because of the stingy painful feeling on the top of my head I have experienced the past days.
Not that hard, but it is very annoying. Like every five minutes you have that little hammer stabbing and electrocute you from the inside and it made you stops a while at everything you do just to say 'Ouch'.

And yes, the doctor said I am having the so called postpartum stress. Not in the form of baby blues but physically stress and this caused a tension on my neck and nerves around. No need further examination, the triggers are obvious. Lack of sleep, stress on trying to be a tiger mom for baby and a first grader. The boredom because I used to be a fully working mom. The stress on trying to put more weight on baby. O, thats pretty much ... much.

No meds since I am fully breastfeeding. Because every neurological medications are not good for babies. So,  I need to reduce the trigger. Which is tiredness and stress when things happens not as I expected, when house are messy and the stress includes seeing the small cc of my expressed milk.

Hmmm... maybe the doctor is right. Maybe I don't need to be a tiger mom. Maybe I don't have to perform better compare to 6 years ago. Maybe I should not worry much about breast milk because they are produced on demand (and the baby needs only 30ml per serving for the time being), so I need to stop being greedy if I managed to pump up 60ml because it is good enough. Maybe loosing 10 kilos in 2 weeks is too soon and having another 6 kilos would not hurt me and I have the rest of my life to be back in shape.

Maybe I really really need to chill.

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love is love. marriage is another thing.

of all the things I ever wondered, ... I think I never wonder whom my kids will be married to. or to picture myself holding grand babies. not just a not yet, I think it is simply too hard to bear and too absurd to think of. but then I promise myself. I promise I will not ever push titan and luna to get married or even if they are married; I will not ask them when to have kids.

many times I wondered that marriage is overrated. and the only reason to get married is not love, but to realise life is too hard to bear when you are all alone. because, however, marriage is a conditional love. hubby once said, marriage is not all fancy and glitter. the lowest it can get is, to keep functioning and it will survive. how both parties can be functional one to another, is another story.

to ariawan, a guy of mine,
the one who always wake me up from my princessy dreams. love you.

Three hours late.

2 AM and I stepped in to the house. Hubby was waiting for me. This was not the first time, and not the latest hour I had ever experienced with over time.

"See you soon Bunda. Or at 8, or at 9, or at 10, or at 11 like you said you would be late." Said my son.

I smiled as I entered the house. I smelled home. I saw my beautiful mess. As I picked up some toys on the floor, I imagined what games the kids had played today. There was a drawing, mini ceramics pots, not too chaotic for kids who were left with nini and aki without nannies.

I also saw their time tables, with some check marks on the list. Those that they weren't checked was the responsibility to wash their own dishes. I saw some dirty cups piling up. I saw the microwave's door left half-opened, a baking sheet and a knife. I wonder what they have cooked.
I also saw minecraft was in active window and some search on youtube and google.

Getting home in this hour and not seeing their faces but seeing all the mess the…

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