Friday, May 25, 2012

Sang Penjaga

"Aku sudah memaafkanmu."Kata perempuan itu. Dan saat itu juga, sebuah pintu entah dari mana datangnya tiba-tiba menganga. Lalu menyemburlah bias-bias cahaya yang mendesing beribu sumpah serapah kepada laki-laki di seberang perempuan itu.

Malam itu begitu gelap. Tidak terdengar apa-apa selain derap suara kaki kuda yang sayup-sayup terdengar di kejauhan, namun tidak pernah terlihat wujudnya. Jalan di depan begitu sempit dan tertutup dengan pasir serta rerumputan kering yang merunduk seolah tergilas oleh kereta-kereta kuda yang tak pernah terlihat itu. Setiap kita menghembus nafas, asap kabut mengepul seolah malam itu begitu dingin. Kadang aku menggigil, tapi karena takut. Kutemukan diriku berkeringat, bukan karena langkahku yang menderu; tapi karena dadaku yang berdentam begitu kencang.

Pernahkah kamu mendengar tentang penjaga perempuan? Bukan, bukan perempuan penjaga. Perempuan penjaga, yang aku tahu, begitu cantik rupanya. Ia menjaga setiap insan di dunia. Dialah ibunda, dialah perempuan penjaga.

Sementara penjaga perempuan, tak terperi rupanya. Kamu tidak akan pernah bisa menduga seperti apa rupa penjagamu karena mereka berbeda-beda, tergantung siapa yang mereka jaga. Dialah bentuk terburuk sekaligus terkuat.

Ya, mereka menjaga setiap perempuan yang berdiri di muka bumi.

Dulunya, mereka adalah doa-doa. Mereka melayang-layang dengan lembut di udara. Seperti ubur-ubur lembut di tengah samudra, berenang-renang kesana kemari tak tentu arah. Menunggu. Kadang mereka menggelitik siapapun yang tak sengaja bersentuhan dengannya. Lalu, saat seorang ibu mengejan untuk mengeluarkan setiap bayi bayi dari rahimnya, leher mereka seperti tercekik. Lalu mereka terenggut dan ikut terlahir bersama bayi-bayi tersebut. Hanya saja, dengan bentuk yang jauh berbeda.

Dulunya, mereka juga adalah penjaga laki-laki. Mereka mengajarkan laki-laki bagaimana untuk menjadi berani dan mengajarkan bagaimana menjaga ibu dan semua perempuan-perempuan yang berdiri di muka bumi. Sayang, mereka lalu terbunuh oleh mimpi. Mimpi-mimpi kotor penuh   mani yang menggelontor dan menyebabkan mereka tenggelam. Sejak saat itu, laki-laki ditakdirkan untuk menjaga dirinya sendiri. Ya, sendiri.

Sebagian dari mereka tetap menjaga perempuan. Setiap rasa sakit yang dialami oleh perempuan adalah doa yang membuat mereka semakin kuat. Dan setiap menstruasi, penjaga-penjaga perempuan itu seperti terlahir kembali. Mereka tak pernah mati, dan setia melindungi sang perempuan hingga mereka mati.

Tiba-tiba derap kaki kuda itu mendekat ke telinga. Begitu dekat hingga aku menyadari bahwa itu bukan suara derap kaki. Tapi penggal nafas yang terasa panas dan sayup-sayup terdengar ribuan mulut membisikkan sebuah kata berkali-kali, lagi dan lagi.

"Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati. Mati...."

Aku teringat sesaat sebelum aku berada di sini. Aku menangis karena sakit. Aku menangis karena cinta. Dan aku menangis karena aku berhasil memaafkan laki-laki yang berdiri di hadapanku.

Aku memaafkannya, tapi tidak dengan penjaga-penjagaku. Dan saat itulah pintu lorong tiba-tiba terbuka dan membawaku kemari, tempat dimana aku harus berperang dengan penjagaku sendiri.



Photo by Annie Leibovitz

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

To punish or not to punish

“Is it important to make someone feel punished?
Or is it more important for them to solve the mistake he or she has done?”



For kids, doing mistake is a very common thing. Spill over milk, played with your favorite bubble bath, treated your perfume like a room freshener, or simply disobeyed you. Many more things I don’t need to describe, I guess. Yeah, … those things that stood you up :)

For us, their parent, sometimes those were not only mistakes. Those were also things that stood us up. Many times, they were the reasons why we gave punishment to our kids. Reasons why we gave them Time Outs, grounded them for no chocolate or candies, to stay in their room or no TV. I hope none of us ever hit our kids just because.

I was included on those who gave Time Outs to my son, even though I tried to be democratic by letting him pick the spot.

But then I learned that giving Time Outs (or maybe any other form of punishments) was useless. They did not bring my child to higher level in learning life. I found that he did the Time Out just because I said so, not because he knew or understood that he deserved a punishment. Therefore he kept doing the mistake and a Time Out was no longer frightened him. Not only that. The most important is that giving a punishment did not solve the problem.

Then I started to think, “Is it important to make someone feel punished? Or is it more important for them to solve the mistake he or she has done?”

Ever since, I no longer gave my son Time Outs. I started introduced him the logical consequences, of every thing he has done. Good acts, bad acts, every decision we made, everything in life has consequences. Voila, it works better than giving him Time Outs. He learnt his mistakes.

When he became sloppy and spilled his drink, he would take a tissue and wipe it off.

When he bumped his head, he would take the medicated oil himself.

When he refused to eat and kept playing, and his tummy got upset then he got ‘masuk angin’ and couldn’t stop vomiting, he knew he would need to take care all the mess.  And he did.

When he did not finish his meal or milk, I told him to never ask for meals / milk for the rest of his life and he should had been grateful of every meals I served him. He (finally) did finish his meals and at the next occasion, he carefully asked for the perfect portion he could finish.

Punishment won’t bring us anywhere, and maybe that is why this country is going nowhere. I hope I can make a little difference for the future, through my kids.

This writing also published here

To punish or not to punish


“How important is it to make someone feel punished?
Or is it more important for them to solve the mistake he or she has done?"


For kids, doing mistake is a very common thing. Spill over milk, played with your favorite bubble bath, treated your perfume like a room freshener, or simply disobeyed you. Many more things I don’t need to describe, I guess. Yeah, … those things that stood you up :)

For us, their parent, sometimes those were not only mistakes. Those were also things that stood us up. Many times, they were the reasons why we gave punishment to our kids. Reasons why we gave them Time Outs, grounded them for no chocolate or candies, to stay in their room or no TV. I hope none of us ever hit our kids just because.

I was included on those who gave Time Outs to my son, even though I tried to be democratic by letting him pick the spot.

But then I learned that giving Time Outs (or maybe any other form of punishments) was useless. They did not bring my child to higher level in learning life. I found that he did the Time Out just because I said so, not because he knew or understood that he deserved a punishment. Therefore he kept doing the mistake and a Time Out was no longer frightened him. Not only that. The most important is that giving a punishment did not solve the problem.

Then I started to think, “Is it important to make someone feel punished? Or is it more important for them to solve the mistake he or she has done?”

Ever since, I no longer gave my son Time Outs. I started introduced him the logical consequences, of every thing he has done. Good acts, bad acts, every decision we made, everything in life has consequences.

Voila, it works better than giving him Time Outs. He learnt his mistakes.

When he became sloppy and spilled his drink, he would take a tissue and wipe it off.

When I warned him to stop jumping around and he ended up bumped his head, he would take the medicated oil himself.

When he accidentally hurt someone, he would ask for an apology PLUS "What should I do to make you feel better" question. Yes, I taught him that because I know saying sorry (many times) do not solve anything.  But there are always things we can do to make people feel better.

When he refused to eat and kept playing, and his tummy got upset then he got ‘masuk angin’ and couldn’t stop vomiting, he knew he would need to take care all the mess.  And he did.

When he did not finish his meal or milk, I told him to never ask for meals / milk for the rest of his life and he should had been grateful of every meals I served him. He (finally) did finish his meals and at the next occasion, he carefully asked for the perfect portion he could finish.

Punishment won’t bring us anywhere, and maybe that is why this country is going nowhere. I hope I can make a little difference for the future, by teaching my kids to be responsible of all things he has done.

Monday, May 14, 2012

... me lately.

Going lacey...


Loving flowers...

Craving for cute stuffs....

... and cook sometimes.


































Going lacey, loving flowers, craving for cute dining or tea set and cook sometimes.
O, what is happening to me? :)

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

From the heart

I have been running this motherhood blog for about eight months, but never I wrote about myself. Since today is pretty breezy, work is not really piling up and I am quite in the mood,  ... I think its a good day to start sharing you of who I am.

I am the mother of Malicca Titan, a boy who just hit 5 yesterday. I am basically an ordinary mother who is trying to be extra ordinary. But then I know, being a capable mother is way harder than being extraordinaire. I don't have any particular role model of parenting style. I just ask a lot, browse a lot, discuss alot and confirming alot. In the end, I take all the good parts that is suitable and doable for me and my son.

My concept in parenting is simple: I want my son to know what he wants and be responsible of his decision. Having said that, my task as a parent should be simple too. That is to  give him as much choices as I can so he can scan all possibilities, think all the good and bad, rank the priorities, decide and take the consequences. Sounds simple though, but trust me... it is not :)

I am a single parent. I juggle between working in an advertising agency and home. I am the custodian but I never close or limit his father's access to him. And for a custodian, it is important for me to keep earning. Not only money, but also to earn more time to be with my child. So, ... since I split up with my former husband; it is a bit hard to hang out with my friends because I have to make time for my son. Some people think that I have been an outcast and pulling my self out of the world since the divorce. Or get traumatized.

The truth is, I am not. I get on my life; it is just things are not the same anymore. For the first time, being a single parent is like you accidentally lost one of your leg but you have to keep running maintaining the same speed to get the targetted destination you already set when you were having two legs. I was imbalance for the first couple of months, physically and emotionally, thank God I have the best support system that kept me on track.

I tried a few times to hang out with some friends after office hours, but it felt like my mind wasn't there because I kept thinking of my son at home. Then I already sleepy at ten (maybe because I put Malicca sleep at 9 and most of the times i got slept too). Then I got myself easily lost on the conversation and I would feel awkward even more. So, now I prefer to go straight home after office. Cook dinner or snacks together and watch Disney Junior with my satellite. Living in this digital world, having a chat with my friends are pretty handy through whatsapp, messenger or twitter. I am sure if they are my truly friends (and they really are), they will understand if I cannot join them for brewing coffee.


I live in Jakarta, the capital city of Indonesia. To some people, this is the city of dreams. But not for me. Jakarta's air is highly polluted, the traffic is very bad and we don't have any public open space for my son to play. The museums are not really well-maintained and there are so little entertainment except malls. For education, Indonesia doesn't have a good and credible standard. We have so many educational system but there are only few we can trust. To add with, education has being part of capitalism in this country, specially in this city. 

But I don't stop there. I keep trying to give better options for my son, because I know complaining won't bring us anywhere. For me, having children is like a second chance for me. Like being reborn to make a better person, to create a better world for us we live in, through my son. How? Teaching by examples, for sure.   

I still remember the days when I tried to conceive. I still remember the day I knew I was pregnant. I still remember the day when I delivered Malicca. But I hardly remember those sleepless nights having a baby or when he was sick. Now my satellite is five. When a baby was born, I was also reborn as a mother.

Thank you for making me stronger. Happy 5th birthday, son!


Monday, May 07, 2012

Malicca mau lima

Dulu, suka gemes sendiri kalo denger cerita tentang seorang anak yang masih aja nyusahin orang tuanya. Beranggapan bahwa hubungan darah orang tua - anak bisa menjadi sangat netral dan objektif, nggak jarang aku suka berkomentar anak-anak yang menyusahkan orang tua tidak perlu dibela oleh orang tuanya itu sendiri.

Tapi sekarang, aku kena tulahnya. Bukan karena Titan nyusahin, tapi lebih ke essens bahwa yang namanya orang tua memang tidak akan pernah bisa melewati edisi tergila-gila anaknya sendiri. Bagaimanapun, yang namanya orang tua ke anak teteeeeeeeeeup aja deh pastinya ngebelain dan mengagumi (walaupun terkadang dengan cara mereka sendiri yang kita tidak tahu).

Dalam waktu kurang dari 8 jam, Titan akan genap berusia 5 tahun. Oh waw... another milestone nih. Masuk TK besar, masuk tahapan yang katanya anak mulai jarang sakit dan tahapan yang katanya tingkah polahnya bakal nyebelin dan memberontak. Untuk yang pertama dan kedua, mari kita amini ajah. Yang ke tiga? Ah, itu mah tergantung anaknya juga. Ada yang manis ya tetep aja manis, ada yang nakal ya emang mungkin dulunya nakal. Etapi ... ya nggak tau ya, semoga Titan tetap jadi anak manis dan tetap bisa diajak ngobrol.

Enggak terasa, udah lima tahun aja. Dan nampaknya edisi tergila-gila anak sendiri ini masih akan terus berlangsung. Masih akan terus foto-fotoin dia, masih akan terus menulis tentang dia dan celotehnya yang... ampuuuuun deh, perasaan dulu gue umur segitu enggak gitu-gitu amat kalo ngejawab :)

Lima tahun, dan anak itu sudah mengalami banyak hal. Semoga diantara semua itu, dia sungguhlah tahu bahwa bundanya yang nyeleneh ini tidak pernah berhenti berpikir dan berbuat apapun caranya supaya dia bahagia. Supaya dia sehat wal afiat dan bisa mendapatkan pendidikan yang terbaik nantinya.

Amin.


Malicca mau lima

Dulu, suka gemes sendiri kalo denger cerita tentang seorang anak yang masih aja nyusahin orang tuanya. Beranggapan bahwa hubungan darah orang tua - anak bisa menjadi sangat netral dan objektif, nggak jarang aku suka berkomentar anak-anak yang menyusahkan orang tua tidak perlu dibela oleh orang tuanya itu sendiri.

Tapi sekarang, aku kena tulahnya. Bukan karena Titan nyusahin, tapi lebih ke essens bahwa yang namanya orang tua memang tidak akan pernah bisa melewati edisi tergila-gila anaknya sendiri. Bagaimanapun, yang namanya orang tua ke anak teteeeeeeeeeup aja deh pastinya ngebelain dan mengagumi (walaupun terkadang dengan cara mereka sendiri yang kita tidak tahu).

Dalam waktu kurang dari 8 jam, Titan akan genap berusia 5 tahun. Oh waw... another milestone nih. Masuk TK besar, masuk tahapan yang katanya anak mulai jarang sakit dan tahapan yang katanya tingkah polahnya bakal nyebelin dan memberontak. Untuk yang pertama dan kedua, mari kita amini ajah. Yang ke tiga? Ah, itu mah tergantung anaknya juga. Ada yang manis ya tetep aja manis, ada yang nakal ya emang mungkin dulunya nakal. Etapi ... ya nggak tau ya, semoga Titan tetap jadi anak manis dan tetap bisa diajak ngobrol.

Enggak terasa, udah lima tahun aja. Dan nampaknya edisi tergila-gila anak sendiri ini masih akan terus berlangsung. Masih akan terus foto-fotoin dia, masih akan terus menulis tentang dia dan celotehnya yang... ampuuuuun deh, perasaan dulu gue umur segitu enggak gitu-gitu amat kalo ngejawab :)

Lima tahun, dan anak itu sudah mengalami banyak hal. Semoga diantara semua itu, dia sungguhlah tahu bahwa bundanya yang nyeleneh ini tidak pernah berhenti berpikir dan berbuat apapun caranya supaya dia bahagia. Supaya dia sehat wal afiat dan bisa mendapatkan pendidikan yang terbaik nantinya.

Amin.



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