Saturday, May 28, 2011

Cawan Rindu

Kamu dan aku, dengan gelas di hadapan. Milikku adalah panas menggelegak dengan sebongkah gula manis tenggelam di dasar cairan pekat tapi masih tembus pandang. Beberapa kuntum melati kering mengambang di permukaannya. Aku pun menunggu hingga kepulannya mereda hingga bisa kuseruput dengan ujung-ujung bibirku yang mulai mati rasa.

Milikmu adalah segelas besar dengan asap yang juga mengepul dan butiran-butiran keringat meleleh di dindingnya. Juga pekat namun masih tembus pandang. Sekilas seperti minuman di hadapanku, tapi bukan. Ada sedikit buih menari-nari terombang ambing di permukaan mengikuti ayunan tangan sang pemilik gelas.

Kuseruput pelan minumanku. Oh, minumanmu pun terguncang lagi. Ia mengalir membasahi bibirmu yang membiru di musim dingin dan mengguyur ujung-ujung syaraf di lidahmu yang kelu karena nikotin. Milikku juga mulai mengalir membasahi tenggorokanku, juga melalui ujung-ujung syaraf di lidah yang juga beku, rindu saling menyentuh lembut, bertaut dan berpagut.

Ada hampa.
Ada sepi.
Ada penat.
Ada asa.
Ada semua rasa diantara tegukan. Di setiap jonjot urat tenggorokan.
Terlebih lagi, rasa kamu.

Kedua jemari pun mulai menari. Bergoyang kesana kemari sembari menerima kode dari kepala. Sebuncah pikiran yang bertemu dengan pikiran lain sampai akhirnya beranak pinak dan bercabang seenaknya berlalu-lalang. Lalu jari-jemari lincah ini pun menangkap kode-kode dari kepala dan mulai bergerak. Mendekat. Meraba. Menghantarkan rasa.

Aku.
Jemariku menari di atas keyboard menuang rasa akan kamu.

Kamu.
Jemarimu menari di atas jemarinyan, menggenggamnya erat dan mengajaknya pergi. Membuncahkan nafsu merindukanku.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Ada apa dengan aku dan tulisan

Ada apa dengan aku dan tulisan-tulisanku belakangan ini?
Kemana kata,
kemana rima,
kemana cerita,
kemana rasa mendayu-dayu yang menguras air mata dan mengusung keagungan memulung serpih cinta?

Apa iya kata-kata indah harus berpangkal rasa yang menyakitkan?
Apa iya rangkaian makna harus berasal dari asa yang patah?
Apa iya aku telah melewati itu semua sehingga semua perbendaharaan kata pun raib dengan mengeringnya air mata?

Kalau memang iya,
aku tak tahu harus sedih ataukah bahagia.

Tapi aku tetap menulis,
meski kini tulisanku lebih banyak tentang hari-hariku yang mungkin tak lagi puitis.
Mungkin kata-kata sastra yang dalam itu terlipat diantara gurat-gurat rasa
yang kini tak lagi melulu terungkap melalui tulisan
tapi juga tertuang melalui sentuhan dan curahan perlakuan yang tak berkesudahan

Ada apa dengan aku dan tulisan?
Tetap mencinta, hanya saja bentuknya sedikit berbeda.

The hardest part

If only we don’t need any secure feeling, Maslow would not put it in the basic pyramid of human’s needs. But he eventually did, because he knows that secure feeling was very important for human beings, more importantly for their relationship with others.

If we don’t need any secure feeling, we would easily trusted everyone who encountered our heart, and would always think that everything would be just fine even if we had to lose someone.

If we don’t need any secure feeling, we would not be wondering. What about? … hell yeah about anything. “I just want to make sure.” Someone said the other day. “You just want to make sure that I love you, right? That I do need you, I care about you and I want you.” The other said, but it was only a heart whisper. "And if you are not sure enough that I love you, then nothing in this world can make you do." The other half heart whispered too.

If we don’t need secure feeling, we would not be afraid of getting hurt as the linear consequence of our love to someone. We would not demand our partner (or future partner) to show us of how much we are loved.

If we don’t need secure feeling, a relationship would not be only and always about 'me'.

But yes, we are only human and we will always have the insecure feelings in any parts of our life. That is normal. The thing is, what you and your partner would do to meet the comfort secure feelings halfway. Of course, one good first step is to feel secure about our self first.  

Here goes the big question, “Can we be loved without even trying to be loved?”
I think the answer is as easy as “Yes, we can, and there is only one way to do it and it is hard I tell you. To never expect.”  Yeah... that is hard. The hardest part.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

In one of those days

One night, Titan was excitedly played with his new Mercedes coach bus I bought him that day. It was about seven o'clock he hadn't got his dinner.
"Titan, it's dinner time. Let me prepare your dinner, okay?"
"Yes, checked!" He said.

Titan is still on the early stage of being bilingual, and he is a visual-oriented type of kid. A checked mark sign means okay for him, therefore he sometimes says "Checked" as in the meaning of "Okay".

Then I started to prepare his meal. Tonight's menu is chicken soup and tofu croquette. Oh, I got starving as well. But it is a big no no for me to feed and eat at the same time for I would lose my appetite. But oh la la, soon as I finished preparing the meal, Titan suddenly said "Titan maunya scramble eggs aja. With cheese."
Listened to what he said, I was very upset. I felt a bit tired that night and Titan needed to respect all kind of foods his mother prepared, I guess.

"I have cooked for you and I am tired. Go cook your own scramble eggs."

"Enggak bisa, tangannya Titan kan kecil dan Titan belum tinggi kompornya enggak keliatan."

"Okay, then you should eat what Bunda cooked for you. Look, there is nothing wrong with your meal."

"Tapi maunya scramble eggs aja."

Sigh. I really do not know what I have to say when he said "I want ... (fill in the blank)" and I should be glad, at least for a 4 years old kid Titan is very outspoken to tell what he likes and what he doesn't like. Yes, that would included saying "Bunda, I don't like your outfit." or "Bunda, Titan mau sekolah musik" and he is pretty consistent of his choices.
Hearing what he said, there popped out my tricky mind of being a mother.

"Just check the fridge, can you find any egg?" I asked him.
Titan went to the fridge and checked for some eggs I previously hid in the upper box he could not reach.

"Kok enggak ada telur?" He confused.

"Yes, we are running out of eggs and I am running out of money because I used the money to buy the Mercedes coach bus. But I do have this chicken soup and tofu croquette which taste better than scramble eggs."

Titan's face was thinking. Hard.Then he finally gave up.

"Aaaaaaa..." He opened up his mouth and ate his meal.

Oh, I feel relieved and bad at the same time. Relieved because finally all the vegetables got into his tummy, but I did feel bad because I was very tricky. Sorry, Malicca :D, ... Boonda was being bad that night.

Sekali lagi tentang cinta

Seorang perempuan terburu-buru memasuki rumah. Menaruh tas, duduk dan mengambil segelas minum dari dalam lemari es. Tak pernah rasanya ia sehaus malam ini. Dalam setiap geluguk air yang masuk ke tenggorokan, matanya pun menelan serpihan yang tersisa dari jelaga memori tentang rumah ini.

Kemana mereka? Tanyanya dalam hati. Apakah aku terlalu lama di luar sehingga aku tak lagi menyadari adanya kehidupan di rumah ini? Tanyanya lagi. Lalu perempuan itu menarik nafas panjang. Terlalu lama mencari aku hingga kamu dan dia terlupakan. Katanya dalam hati. Sekarang satu sudah ketemu, tapi yang lain hilang. Seketika itu pula apa yang sudah ditemukan langsung terbang melayang. 
Sendiri. Lagi.


***


Seorang lelaki terus memutar filmnya, layaknya ialah sutradara sejati dan terbaik saat ini. Matanya lurus menatap ke depan seolah tertuju di satu titik. Di jari manisnya masih melingkar cincin pernikahannya dengan seorang lelaki lain yang sudah berubah menjadi seorang wanita, namun kini menghancur sudah dengan tanah.

"Ini mimpinya, menjadi sutradara. Dan aku belajar untuk mewujudkannya." Katanya sambil memutar-putar cincin di jari manis kirinya. Sesekali ia melirik lalu melepas dan membaca nama di dalam cincin tersebut. Cinta yang tak lekang waktu, dimana kesepian tak ada apa apanya jika dibandingkan dengan kesetiaannya.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Tentang kamu di suatu pagi

Saat itu. Aku, aki dan dirimu; La Luna.  Naik motor di pagi hari, mengantarmu bersekolah untuk belajar dan berlari-lari.  Kamu di paling ...