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a prologue to my journey


funny. what a funny life. no matter how hard I tried ( I mean it when i wrote the 'hard' part), this is the journey I have to bear alone.
Even at the last minutes of the departure, when i still try (even harder).

in life or death, we are all gonna be alone.

and this is my first flight alone, to go to somewhere I do not know what I'm looking for.
viva la vida is banging my ear, as the plane took off its ground.
and I laughed.

gracias ala vida.
thanks to life.
what have I not experienced in my year of 30.
i felt so rich.
i have experienced a life full of love.
and full of those people around who loves me.

thank you God.
i know I always be the one who always have my fear deep in me: to be alone.
but I knew somehow, also deep in me, I always have the courage to always try.

the plane took off its ground.
giving me a beautiful scenery of the cottony clouds.
and I was looking at my own tiny hands.
can i bear these?
and the clowds slowly rearranged themselves.
spreading into thin layers, .. clear thin layers.
that is life.

when you stop rebelling, took out yourself from the satanic circle and just be an observer for a while.
forgetting of what you want, of what you are expecting, of your judgements.
there.
there.
you will see much clearer though.

'walking after you' is banging my ear now.
i know, someone will always be walking after me.


- in between the clouds, 06:50 -

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love is love. marriage is another thing.

of all the things I ever wondered, ... I think I never wonder whom my kids will be married to. or to picture myself holding grand babies. not just a not yet, I think it is simply too hard to bear and too absurd to think of. but then I promise myself. I promise I will not ever push titan and luna to get married or even if they are married; I will not ask them when to have kids.

many times I wondered that marriage is overrated. and the only reason to get married is not love, but to realise life is too hard to bear when you are all alone. because, however, marriage is a conditional love. hubby once said, marriage is not all fancy and glitter. the lowest it can get is, to keep functioning and it will survive. how both parties can be functional one to another, is another story.

to ariawan, a guy of mine,
the one who always wake me up from my princessy dreams. love you.



Three hours late.

2 AM and I stepped in to the house. Hubby was waiting for me. This was not the first time, and not the latest hour I had ever experienced with over time.

"See you soon Bunda. Or at 8, or at 9, or at 10, or at 11 like you said you would be late." Said my son.

I smiled as I entered the house. I smelled home. I saw my beautiful mess. As I picked up some toys on the floor, I imagined what games the kids had played today. There was a drawing, mini ceramics pots, not too chaotic for kids who were left with nini and aki without nannies.

I also saw their time tables, with some check marks on the list. Those that they weren't checked was the responsibility to wash their own dishes. I saw some dirty cups piling up. I saw the microwave's door left half-opened, a baking sheet and a knife. I wonder what they have cooked.
I also saw minecraft was in active window and some search on youtube and google.

Getting home in this hour and not seeing their faces but seeing all the mess the…

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