second chance

I had never imagined I would have ever wanted a child. So bad. To me marriage itself is a strange thing; let alone of having another bunch of little me or him in our life. But one day, in my life after marriage, I felt so lonely. I want to have a bump on my flat stomach.

There will come a moment when you realize that life is not only about yourself or the one you love. Not only about to get what you want and reducing what ifs from your brain. There will come a moment when you want to start giving. On the day you'll never know, it will just ... come.

And ever since, I recited “Yaa Mushawwir” after I pray. And sometimes, all day long.

To get what you want, is not easy. When you get it easy, consider it’s a temptation. But when you get it harder, consider it’s a reward. I’d never think The Almighty was too busy to hear my pray. He just wanted me to rethink how bad do I want that little bump that will cause me excess weight, stretch marks all over the place, hormonal yo-yo and more over, a lifetime commitment. No commitment takes your life but being a parent. There will always be ex-hubby/wife, ex-boy/girlfriends, but there will never be ex-child.

What made me want the little bump so bad?

Yes. I wanted a second chance. To make a better me. Better future. That’s why I named him Titan, a satellite of Saturn. It was made of the same material like the Earth, which I thought my one and only hope to live in. Titan is my second chance. And hopefully, our hope.


You can lose power. You can lose love. But you can not ever lose hope.

And there I was, hugging a little me in my arm with his bursting cry. For the first time, my tears and his became one. We cried in silence. I had never thought I could ever split myself in two. Share my oxygen, my heartbeat, he took away my calcium for his bone so I could have an osteoporosis someday in my old days. There flows my blood inside his veins and my breast milk sculpted in his bone.

And for this little bump, I have been very selfish. I have prayed for one specific thing all along: I hope I can always learn from him. And God really works in a mysterious way. My son is a little me. When I’m standing in front of my little man, it is like that I am standing in front of a gigantic mirror and see my reflection.

The way he nags, how he got mad, his mischief, his ignorant look, his testing the limit habits, his love for water; stars and the moon, the way he tells story, his expressive eyes, his spontaneous dance, ... we are just a perfect drama pair. Poor hubby for having them all :)

There was a time when he happily held my hand and dragged me to a corner of a Plaza where he saw gigantic tv screen. And he asked me to dance with him following the 3D midgets. And we just ... danced. Suddenly, my mind blasted to a night where I had coffee with someone and I spontaneously dragged him outside the cafe and asked him to hug me beneath the starry sky.

There was a time when I got angry. And I only looked into his eyes, sharply. But do you have an idea of how he reacted? He would only gave me a nasty grin combined with his cute smile, blinking eyes ... and kissed me on the lips. Sometimes with a hug, if did something veeery bad. At that time, my mind blasted. I was on my 6th grade, and dad is standing in front of me. Very mad. And all I did was, well... like always, just grinned and ask him in the end "Mau dibikinin lemon tea, Pap?"

Dear God,
You really work in a mysterious way. You want me to learn about myself by giving the second me. For you have given me a second chance to be a better me. And I am so grateful. Thank You.

(This is surely the most narcistic writing about me as a person, a wife, and obviously ... as a mother :) )