Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Kapan terakhir merasa kaya anak kecil? For me, it's been a long time. Sampai akhirnya, aku mengalami kembali.

Dunia yang sederhana, dunia yang cuma pengen semua ada.
Dunia materi, yang hanya berarti 'ada' jika semua bisa 'diraba'.

Pagi-pagi, Mba Gita udah manggil dari ujung.
"Wuryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!"
"It's yours" Katanya sambil mengulurkan dvd collector's item THE WIZARD OF OZ ke hadapanku. Plus, ... CD collector's itemnya juga.

Hah!

Kalau ada kaca di sana, mungkin aku bisa ngeliat mataku yang membulat hebat!!!
Wow, udah lama rasanya nggak ngalamin something that you've been dreaming of is now here, for real! Aku masih terdiam beberapa saat. 3 disc DVD, plus CD yang saat dibuka, didalamnya ada gambar pop up Dorothy, Toto, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion dan Scarecrow.

I've got the cards and postcards with the box, several versions of the books,the pirated DVD (ha..ha), now I have the collector's item DVD consist of 1910's movie premier with its ticket, some photos, some of its reprinted 1910's promotion materials. Ffffffffiuh....

Dan seharian itu, pikiranku nggak habis hanya sampai DVD Wizard of Oz. Masih ada satu hal yang kepikiran, ... setelah 2 malam sebelumnya tiba-tiba kepikiran sebelum tidur. Ya, ... hal itu menghantui diriku kembali hari ini.

Jaket flanel pink yang ada capuchonknya, yang di jual di A store di jembatan PIM 2.

Bah!
Jaket flanel? Pink? Penting banget gak, sih? Tapi nggak tahu kenapa, tiba-tiba jadi kepikiran seharian. Dan akhirnya, pulang kantor aku langsung berangkat ke PIM naik taksi. Bayangin! Ngebela-belain hujan-hujan lebat naik taxi cuma buat beli jaket itu?
Hihihihi, ... sampe PIM aku langsung sms ku. Nanya ke suamiku, dimana tepatnya A store berada. "Kamu ke Sizzler, trus di situ ada jembatan yang nembus ke PIM 2." Itu bunyi smsnya (secara aku paling nggak pintar menghafal letak, termasuk letak mobil di parkiran). Dengan gagah berani dan percaya diri, aku ke sana. Dan benarlah, toko itu persis terletak di sana.

AKu berjalan perlahan.

Rak demi rak.
Pelan.
Ada kaos lucu di dinding.
Ah, nggak!
Tadi ke sini buat beli jaket flanel pink!!!
Aduh, .. jangan-jangan nggak ada capuchonknya.
Gimana ya, kalo nggak?
...
aaaaaaaaaaand, .. di rak paling ujung,
berderetlah jaket-jaket flanel beraneka warna.
Hitam, gak ada capuchonknya.
Putih, ... gak ada juga.
Khaki, ... nah! Ini ada capuchongnya!!!!
Yippie!!! There's the pink one!!!
But, ...
Hmmm, ... atau khaki aja ya?

Aku sms Pumpy dulu deh.
"1. Pink, 2. Khaki" Isi sms Pumpy.

Hmmmmm, ...
I think I'll take the pink one. Udah cukup kayanya, my denials that I don't really like pink colors. But I thin, I do. Dan bukannya warna ini yang bikin aku ngebangunin Pumpy tengah malam lalu?

Yep. I took the pink one. "Ukuran L aja ya, Mba."
Yippie, trus aku langsung pulang. Melenggang tenang.

Sampe rumah, aku langsung mandi.
Sambil pake baju, aku dengerin CD baruku dengan bagian "Over the Rainbow", track 3 yang terus aku ulang.

Lalu aku selimutan, pasang Disk 2 DVD baruku, nggak lupa pake jaket baru juga.
Terus aku ketiduran, sampe akhirnya Pumpy dateng.
Aku malu ketauan pake jaket baru, jadi selimutnya aku tarik sampe ke leher. Hihihihihi, ... tapi akhirnya nggak tahan aku tarik juga dan pamerin ke dia.

Ahhhhh, ...
senangnya jadi anak kecil.Kapan ya, bisa ngerasain lagi?

:)

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Kapan kita akan berhenti?

Hari ini, 22 Desember 2005.

Jam delapan pagi, suamiku mengecup keningku.
"Aku pergi ya" Katanya.
"Dadahhhh..." Kataku membalasnya dan kembali menutup mataku, serasa tak kuat menahan pelupuk mataku lebih lama lagi.

Dan aku pun terpulas kembali. Lagi. Setelah membuka mata selama 23 jam di hari sebelumnya.

Tak lama, terdengar nada sms membangunkanku kembali.
Tapi kubiarkan.
"Kantor! Kapan kamu akan membiarkanku menikmati kesendirianku?" Itu responku pertama kali.

Beberapa jam kemudian, aku pun terbangun.
Segera kusabet handphone di atas meja. Sms tadi dari ibu mertuaku.
"Selamat hari ibu. Semoga kita bisa menjadi contoh untuk anak-anak kita dan masyarakat." Lalu aku pun tertegun.Dengan masih tak percaya dan nggak tau haurs menjawab apa, aku pun pergi mandi.

Ya, ini hari ibu.
Kapan terakhir kalinya aku mengucapkan selamat hari ibu untuk ibuku? Mungkin waktu aku SD. Waktu aku menyelipkan puisiku di tumpukan bajunya.
Kapan terakhir kali aku memijitkan punggungnya?
Kapan terakhir kalinya aku mencium pipinya dengan sepenuh hati?
Kapan terakhir kalinya aku menyentuh permukaan tangannya?
Kapan terakhir kalinya aku mengajaknya jalan-jalan? Bukan hanya membelikannya hadiah-hadiah?
Kapan terakhir kalinya aku memeluknya tanpa sebab?

Aku hilang.
Berguling kencang tanpa kendali.
Aku tersesat dalam detik-detik mengejar diriku sendiri.
Detik menjadi menit. Menit menjadi jam. Jam menjadi hari. Hari menjadi tahun.
5 tahun aku mengejar diriku sendiri. Tanpa tahu kapan akan berhenti dan membiarkan diriku yang menghampiri.


Tiba-tiba aku berpikir,
sudah siapkah aku menjadi seorang ibu, jika aku masih tak lelahnya mengejar diri sendiri.

Para Ibuku, selamat hari ibu. Panggilan yang memang layak dimiliki olehmu.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Good Will Hunting

I just love this muvee. Here's one of the conversation.


"You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about. You've never been out of Boston.

So if I ask you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever writtened. Michelangelo? You know alot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope. Sexual orientation. The whole works, right?

I bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the SIstine Chapel. You never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. Seeing that.

If I ask you about woman, you'll probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites. You may ever been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel trully happy. You're a tough kid.

If I ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right? "Once more into the breach, dear friends."
But you've never been near one. You've never held your bestfriend head in your lap and watch him gasp his last breath lookin' to you for help.

If I ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feelin' like God put an angel on earth just for you, who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel. To have that love for her to be there forever. Through anything.

You don't know about real loss, cause that only occurs when you love somethin more than you love yourself."


Said Sean, to Will Hunting.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Semenjana

lelah.
ingin rasanya aku mengistirahatkan mata ini
biar hanya hitam, hanya gelap
temaniku sejenak saja
dan biar,
kubiarkan telingaku meliar
biar dia juga belajar
telinga yang lama tak mendengar
telinga yang selalu kalah dengan ujar
telinga yang tak lagi punya hati
apalagi mendengarkan hati

damai.
hanya kudengar desah sukma
dalam gelap ini

terima kasih untuk kamu, yang udah bikinin judul kali ini. saat dimana aku nggak bisa menyebutkan satu kata yang menggambarkan jarak antara aku dan benda, dan waktu yang mengantarainya.

7 Desember 2005

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Antologi Bunga Matahari

Aku suka banget nulis.
Kadang cuma tertulis di benakku, memang.
Tapi akhirnya,
semua bisa baca tulisanku.
Puisi-puisiku.

Aku pengen jadi penulis.
Full time.
Di rumah kayu impianku,
aku berada di sana menulis lembaran-lembaran parkamen.
bercerita tentang dia, aku dan kamu. Juga mereka.

Akhirnya,
eh... bukan akhirnya.
Awalnya,
terbit juga 2 puisiku bersama puisi teman-teman.
Dalam sebuah buku.

Buku yang nyata!
Puluhan lembar,
Bersampul,
Berpengantar dari seorang Seno Gumira,
Ada izin terbitnya,
Aku nggak percaya!

Antologi Bunga Matahari.
Itu judulnya.
Kalo mau, bisa cari di Aksara.

Ini langkah awal.
Harus ada buku selanjutnya.

Amin.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Do you know?

Do you know how it feel?
When your heart pounding hard, hoping that the time is right.

Do you know how it feel?
When you hold your breath, try to collect all guts you have.

Do you know how it feel?
When you're listening and ignoring your heart, ... you just can't decide.

Do you know how it feel?
Having a great expectation is as bad as you'd never hope.

Do you know how it feel?
To be angry.

Do you know how it feel?
To lost your faith.

Do you know how it feel?
To hopelessly hope.

Do you know how it feel?
To question love.

Do you know how it feel?
To blame.

Do you know how it feel?
To give everything. Then hope for one thing.

Do you know how it feel?
To envy.

Do you know how it feel?
When coldness is so near.

Do you know how it feel?
Here, to be alone.

Do you know how it feel?
To wait something you couldn't see.



(Dedicated to all pregnancy test packs, who become my best friend.)

Pumpy

jejakkan aku tanah

seberangkan aku laut

jelajahi aku sang dirga

bawa aku pergi

menyongsong matahari




September 15, 2005

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Numb

Monday morning, 15 November 2005

About n hour ago. Nine something in the morning.
I arrived at the office. I smelt the musty, moldy, sweaty scent.
I log on to the network. I forgot to fill in the time sheet last Friday.
I filled it in. I made up things. 12 hours working for meeting and brainstorming.
I tried to log in again. I checked out mails. I checked out Friendster (I don’t care about it anymore). I checked my blog. I checked my Multiply (I don’t care about it too).

15 minutes after I arrived.
I saw Sheilla. I called her. I asked her where she had had lost her cell phone (I knew it, for sure. I just want her to come by). And she did. She told me the story. Again. Then I told her about Astrid, our friend who lost her baby. I asked her about my idea for print ad. She didn’t get it. Oh, shit. Sheilla gone away.

2 minutes after that.
Our secretary comes in. For the first time after the almost 2 weeks holiday.
I gave her fake smile. I gave her a fake hugely hug.

Some minutes later.
Someone brings an original DVD Charlie & The Chocolate Factory. He put it next to my desk. He asked me about the Wizard Of Oz I craved for years, whether I wanted to buy it or not? I smiled. Fake.

18 minutes after that again.
I look up. Empty. And I’m feeling empty too. Suddenly I’m feeling so numb. I couldn't feel. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t express.

Now is ten twenty.
My dear award winning partner comes. Talking in high spirit about new directors at New Zealand. About she finally found the one who shot award winning TVC ‘Toys’ for Peugeot 407. About an article about new directors she would like me to print it out.

I smiled fake too.

Sorry, I’m not in the mood today.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

'Hurt'

Do you believe what happen to you early in the morning, just reflect your day?

Well, I do.

Just like what happened to me today.
As I woke up, I read an sms that was sent about 8 hours ago. It was Astrid who sent me the sms. Astrid is the friend of mine in high school. We'd never a really really close friend, but somehow I feel that we have some kinda connection
(I hope she feels the same way too) :)

I'd got married first, and then Astrid did a few months later. Then we start to look for gynecologist, and decide to go to the same doctor, taking the same tests, having the same disease (rubella), having the same medications that we have to eat four times a day for three months, having the same trembling heart (having great expectation) if the period comes late, … and finally, Astrid’s got pregnant.

I was so happy. Really.

After a few weeks late for period, Astrid went to the doctor to have herself examined.
But sad,the doctor said that her fetus was not growing. So, … they have to let it out. And Astrid did. After some medications she took, the baby slips away.

But something strange happen. As Astrid told me that her stomach is getting big and round, the bleeding has not stopped. The she went back to the doctor, had a USG. And can you imagine, a little cute baby complete with the head, body, hands and feet. It was a twin baby, and one survived.

Astrid told me so happily, and so did I. I thought it was a miracle, … everyone thought it so.

And this morning, Astrid sms me that she lost her 4,5 month baby boy. Without any reason. At least we haven’t found it out until now.

Oh God, I feel that the world fell apart. I imagine how Astrid’s was.

And the sms was just a reflection of my day. Now is 04:15 PM, and I don’t know why my day is stumbling down. Still.

I just want to go home and hug my big 'pumpkin'.

I just want to.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Bed

baby blue sheet
and four clean feet
tingle up the pillows
forgetting all sorrows

some lavender smells
from one who sells
a remedy
that turns up a comedy

bunny sleepers
those for the sleepwalkers
candy in the pocket
and chocolates that melt

stars stickers
give illutions like liquors
glow in the dark
like a nightlife park

your fingers
warmth my heart just like ginger
runs through my hair
wow, ... what a pair!



September 13th 2005

Angel

fly above
singing beautifuly for us both
made of satin silky wings
and a glowing diamond ring

angel,
is that really you?

angel,
is that what they call you?

angel,
so what are you?

(June 7th 2005)

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

You don't really know

"You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about. You've never been out of Boston.

So if I ask you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever writtened. Michelangelo? You know alot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope. Sexual orientation. The whole works, right?

I bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the SIstine Chapel. You never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. Seeing that.

If I ask you about woman, you'll probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites. You may ever been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel trully happy. You're a tough kid.

If I ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right? "Once more into the breach, dear friends."
But you've never been near one. You've never held your bestfriend head in your lap and watch him gasp his last breath lookin' to you for help.

If I ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feelin' like God put an angel on earth just for you, who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel. To have that love for her to be there forever. Through anything.

You don't know about real loss, cause that only occurs when you love somethin more than you love yourself." Said Sean, to Will Hunting.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Geliat

di sini aku terduduk.
diam.
berteman deru mesin tak berhati.
terhiup sepoi angin.
sementara.

klakson.
teriak.
hentak gemerlap ibu kota.
pedih dan tawa.
maya.

waktu,
tak juga kau menunggu.
angan,
tak juga kau menentu.
asa,
tak jua kau berlabuh.

rindu.
malunya hati pada sunyi.

dan aku pun berlari.
loncat!
tenggelam dalam padatnya arus.
di penat yang tak pernah cukup terbayar keringat.
merangkak dalam riak tak berujung.
mencari hati.
mencari apa yang bisa kupetik hari ini.

tak cukup.
tak pernah cukup berarti.
dan besok, aku kembali.

tamak.
kau harus mati!!!
agar kucernai kecilnya diri.


(May 10th 2005, Victoria's lobby seven sumthin')

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Concerto

Ya, aku di sana.
Di atas panggung luas keemasan.
Berselimut karpet merah megah.

Ya, akhirnya aku di sana.
Di tengah ribuan telinga.
Tenggelam dalam ratusan nada.

Hening.

Aku menutup mata.

Hanya terdengar detik-detak suara.

Dua telinga, diantara ribuan.
Satu insan, di tengah ratusan.

Ya, aku di sana.
Bahagia bersama alunan nada.
Di ujung sebuah impian.
Di awal impian lainnya.
Bersamamu,
musikku,
hanyalah untukku.

(I miss my violin. A lot.)

Kolaborasi

man_from_crypton: biru meliput langit
Wullie wullie: awan membias bebas
man_from_crypton: kulepas pandang menyambut mentari
man_from_crypton: penuh harap akan hari...
man_from_crypton: menyisakan kehangatan cinta tadi malam
man_from_crypton: aku berlari, dengan segenap kekuatan hati
man_from_crypton: mengejar kasih yang terus melaju
wullie wullie: kasih, tunggu aku!
wullie wullie: Tapi ia berlalu jauh
man_from_crypton: terhenyak tersentak ku berhenti
man_from_crypton: terhadang akan kenyataan
wullie wullie: aku, ... masih tetap di sini.
wullie wullie: sendiri....
man_from_crypton: menunduk aku, bumi tertatap
wullie wullie: Mungkin, ... belum saatnya.
wullie wullie: Belum saat aku menangguk kasih
man_from_crypton: sejuk gerimis perlahan turun
man_from_crypton: bangunkan aku dari mimpi buruk
wullie wullie: tersenyum aku melihat diri terpuruk
man_from_crypton: hanya oleh cinta sesaat
wullie wullie: tapi aku bahagia,
wullie wullie: paling tidak aku sempat merasa

(Ceritanya waktu itu gw lagi chat sama Wury. Kebetulan kita lagi pas gak banyak kerjaan. Karena bosen ngobrol yang nggak penting, kita memutuskan untuk menulis secara bergantian. It turns out to be fun u know. Nggak ada judul, nggak ada plot. Semuanya refleks, keluar begitu aja. Ini hasilnya... - Bucin-)

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

I miss again

As the rain start falling
to the ground
time and time
As I sit one the bench
here with the wind, with the sky
With the spring, with the autumn
With love season, never spoken
With the word without a sound.

(Someday in year two thousand)

On my own

I am sitting on a black removable chair, here, feeling so uncomfortable but do not know what is really happening. I have been trying to express what I really feel inside. I played music, I made some phone calls to my friend, I tried to write over and over, but they'd never come in to one piece of writing. Either talk to hem did not give me any answer.

For a while, I am feeling so lonely.

It's like you're driving a car. A new Volkswagen ones. With bright colour. Awsome! But the car is stopping now. And you are looking at the side-mirror, watching the road you went through. The path you checkered. The glory you won. The stupidity you made. The blooming roses you watered. The chances you missed. The laugh you gave. The tears you shared. The bound you create.

... feels like it's been years ago.

And suddenly I look at the road right in front of me.

I could imagine perfectly a time of night, when I was told that it is so different between an aim and a dream.

I miss my dreams.
I miss my dreams!

Then suddenly I realise I have turned all my dreams into aims. Most of them. Deep inside I feel those grumbled things crowd every single corner of my soul.

And still I am in my fabulous car that is still stopping now. Trying to close my eyes and feel I was really there, walking through a full of fallen leaves road and kicking them once or twice. It is autum and winter is coming soon.

Senza

I played your overture in allegro,
Just didn't want to see you go.
I sing your song in fortissimo,
Do I have to let you go?
But you did
go, afterall.
Tempo primo,
Fine.

Senza: without
Allegro: playing lively, rapidly
Fortissimo: plays very loud
Tempo primo: return to original tempo
Fine: the end of song

A friend

sometimes when we
were alone
in the night
so afraid
reaching out
the sky beyond
with these two small hands,
then she
came along
to reach your hand
with her too small hands
and care.

(Buat Retno, ... remember the good old days?)

SEMU

Aku menari melenggak-lenggok merasakan tangan
yang menggapai-gapai tubuhku
Berkedip-kedip, mengerjap-kerjap,menikmati setiap rasa setiap sentuh ujung jemari dan
rambutmu yang menyapu lapisan kulitku Lalu aku
terjungkal tercekal oleh nafsu Terbangun dan terbelalak
mencari kekasihku.
Ia tidak di sini

Ketika 'ku Susuri Setapak

... dan ketika aku menoleh kebelakang,
tinggal serpihan-serpihan dedaunan kering
jatuh...
berguguran.

Seperti aku jika ditoleh seseorang,
atau kutoleh diriku sendiri,
hanyalah serpihan

Serpih-serpih kecil yang putih,
menjadi sejarah yang
tergores kemudian di buku putih
sampai kemudian
aku
mati.

Sometime in 1997

Monday, February 28, 2005

Serumpun Bunga Paku

Kau datang di depanku
bawa serumpun bunga paku
Kau berikan,
lalu silangkan lenganmu di dadamu



Kamu sayang aku?

Ombak Kesepian

Ombak kesepian berlarian ke tepian

Beranak buih putih
Jernih

Ombak kesepian tegur puan di pinggiran
“Kamu sendiri?"

Ombak kesepian berlomba menuju tepi
Jilat-jilat puan punya kaki

Ombak kesepian mendebur puan sepi
"Kamu sendiri?"

"Peduli apa aku sendiri? Bisik puan dalam hati

Ombak kesepian berlari ke tepian

Basahi pantai,
Jilati puan punya kaki

"Kamu sendiri?"

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

"Diam"

Aku bukan Tuhan.
Bukan malaikat.
Juga bukan btari suci.
Jadi,
tolong bicaralah.
Supaya aku mengerti.

19.1.05 / 18.25


Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Di suatu siang

Perutku begah!
Mataku memerah.
Cerah???
Tidak.
Aku siap menjadi durga.
Aku siap meledak murka!!!

Kepalaku pusing.
Penuh dengan pikiran-pikiran miring.
Gila???
Mungkin.
Jangan-jangan sejak lama!!!

Puas??!

(Belasan Januari, entah tanggal dan jam berapa. Tapi yang jelas lagi di kantor.)

Monday, January 03, 2005

TODAY


Hey Sunshine,
What was up with you today?
Wracked me up and ignored me all day.
Hey Sunshine,
Can’t you just say?
What me to do, just show the way.
Hey Sunshine,
What was up with you today?
Roses are dead and so are the hays.
Hey Sunshine,
Don’t fly away.
I’m here for you, and I’ll always stay.

(2.1.05 / 19:15)

Purest Paper

Dear purest paper,
Why can’t I write something?

Dear purest paper,
Why my heart is filled with many things?

Dear purest paper,
Why can’t I think?

Dear purest paper,
Have I been too much asking?

Dear purest paper,
All answer I got is the clock ticking.


( 2.1.05 / 19:10)

Clamshell

“Why can’t I just be honest to myself?” Ask a clamshell to the sand beach.

“For long you have swum, just to ask something you can even answered by yourself.” said the sand beach but to himself.

And so the sand beach remains quiet, and let the ocean wave answers.

But listening to the ocean waves, the clamshell gets bored.Then she goes away. Brings her big-bold-white house ... and left her question half-answered.


(2.1.05 / 19:00)

Let's cut the crap from the question of Which Mom Are You?

A few years back, social media was being fussy about working mom versus stay at home home. What a nonsense brag! Since I went through ...